Laughable Intellectual Adventures, Wit, Wisdom & Smart-Aleckisms

By CONFUSEUS LAW

ABOUT THE BOOK
This book introduces serious ideas on serious topics such as science, mathematics, logic, economics, religion, politics and war, etc., in a light-hearted, humorous style. Life today is complex and full of tension, anxiety and worry. There should be an outlet to relieve us of all this undesirable nerve-racking emotional turmoil. This book may act as such an outlet.
    Though the book is aimed at entertaining through wit and even ridicule, it also has the important task of enlightening. In its own jocular way, it may force the reader to view the various aspects of life in a more subtle light. Importantly, it also aims at making the reader a more thoughtful and moral person for whom the final chapter on the selected sayings of the great philosopher Confucius will serve an important purpose.
    To render the book more readable and entertaining, caricatures prepared by the author are incorporated.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Confuseus (pronounced "confuse us") has published many philosophical and professional books, with a number of them having been adopted as reference texts. He has been a professor and has lectured on academic and professional subjects. He has published a number of important research articles in journals. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: CONFUSEUS LAW
• Release date: Feb 8, 2015
• ISBN: 9781501462474

CONFUSEUS LAW

Confuseus (pronounced “confuse us”) has published many philosophical and professional books, as well as a number of research articles in journals.

Book preview

1  BRAINIACS IN HIGH-BROW TALK

Immanuel Kant, Rene Descartes and Jean Jacques Rousseau were huddled together at a social gathering, matching wits, being the brainiacs they were. Below is their clever discourse:-

Immanuel Kant: What is existence, precisely?

Rene Descartes: It is consciousness, thought. I prove my own existence thus: I think. Therefore, I am.

Immanuel Kant: So, when we do not think, when we are asleep, for example, we do not exist.

Rene Descartes: Yes.

Immanuel Kant: So, if I think that I am dead, would I really be dead?

Rene Descartes: Errrrrrrr. No and yes. You would exist as a dead person and would not exist as a live person.

Immanuel Kant: A person could either exist or not exist. How could he both exist as a dead person and not exist as a live person?

Rene Descartes: Do not forget that a dead person could be reborn or reincarnated as a live person.

Immanuel Kant: Do you have any proof of rebirth or reincarnation?

Rene Descartes: I think that I have been reborn and reincarnated from being a dead person. This thought is the proof.

Immanuel Kant: I think that this thought of yours is wrong. This thought of mine is proof that your proof is wrong.

Jean Jacques Rousseau, who had been silently following the discourse of the two wise men, then butted in, not with his head, but his clever, sharp tongue.

Jean Jacques Rousseau: I think that both of your thinking are not the thing known as existence. By this thought of mine, existence therefore does not exist. Actually, existence exists right away when Professor Kant asked What is existence? Existence is just a thought, an idea. You cannot touch, hold, grab, grasp or feel existence. Existence is not tangible but an abstract idea. You can have abstract ideas about anything and everything. Existence is just one of these many abstract ideas. Both of you and I now think of existence and thought. What happens if the words existence and thought do not exist and we therefore do not think of them? Would there be existence then?

After Jean Jacques Rousseau asked this sharp, profound, final question, both Immanuel Kant and Rene Descartes were tongue-tied, stumped, and unable to reply. It seems that Jean Jacques Rousseau was miles ahead of the both of them in depth of mind and sharpness of tongue - a tongue which is so sharp that it could be used to murder someone, especially if it is a slanderous and thus dangerous tongue.

Brainiacs with bountiful grey matter having a

high-brow discussion.

2  A CHATTERBOX WHO DOESN’T OPEN HIS MOUTH

Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter. Noises, voices, sounds, laughter. A typical scene when people gather together exchanging hellos and messages and making small and big talk. A typical scene at the market, social club, cafe, and what social gathering have you.

Amidst the hustle and bustle of all these noises may be some who just sit and stare blankly as though in dreamland, the silent minority. But, I know of a special case. I know of a silent man who is very talkative - he converses with himself in his mind.

A silent man who is very talkative.

3  ALL THE TROUBLE FOR JUST A PIECE OF PAPER

The paper-chasing game is the most popular game in this country. It is a game almost entirely played by youngsters, although, on rare occasions, you may find grandfathers playing the game together with their grandchildren.

It is much more popular than soccer, squash, bowling, monopoly, bridge, etc.. It is the game of all games. It is the game that will help you to acquire the means to play all the other games.

There is no limit to the number of players. The number may range from a few to several thousands at a time. You may have one umpire or more, depending on the number of players, who see that you do not cheat or play foul, whom we call invigilators.

This is a game which is played indoors. It is a game which requires great skill. It has been the cause of many a madness and suicide. It is so demanding that many people spend sleepless nights worrying about it, going bonkers over it.

The objective of the game is to acquire a piece of paper, which is worth a lot. Why do people play so hard for such a piece of paper? It is because employers enjoy seeing them.

When the kid is five or six, you train him up for the game by sending him to a kindergarten. Then when he is seven, you send him to a primary school, where he starts kicking off.

This game is very different from any other game in that it goes on for years and years. Paper after paper scored, there seems to be no end to it. Some will drop out of the game through exhaustion (of the mind and spirit) before time’s up. But the majority should be able to last the duration of ten years or so.

After that he may choose to go in for extra time. He may compete with the best of the players and may aim for a more valuable piece of paper known as the Senior School Certificate.

Of course, he can even go further than that till he beats the best of the best players and obtains that piece of flimsy paper which you call a doctorate degree.

Our country needs good players badly. The good players will be required to play a different game, a tough game, a game of decision-making and responsibility-holding. This game will be played in many venues, in government departments, in statutory boards, in big corporations, in small business enterprises, and so on.

The not so successful players may find themselves playing yet another game, a game more suited to their type of fitness. They will in most cases be playing rough or blue-collar games which demand more of their body than their brains.

As for the very bad and unfortunate players, you may find them literally playing games throughout the day. You may find them playing monopoly or bridge at home. You may find them playing badminton in halls, back-lanes or on the roadsides. You may find them playing football or rugby in the field. You may find them playing the real game of police and thief, which may land them behind bars.

Paper-chasing is a game that is played throughout the world. Practically every literate man in this world has played this game. Perhaps, one day there would be a world meet, where all the best scorers ..... oops, scholars, throughout the world would compete for the World Cup.

A student chasing after a piece of paper.

4  TWO DAYS SQUEEZED INTO ONE  

I woke up from my deep slumber, and looked at my watch, saw that it was only 3 am and went back to sleep. I had sweet dreams. I dreamt that I woke up at 6 am, brushed my teeth, washed up, prepared and consumed my breakfast and was prepared to enjoy my leave on that day. Next I found out I had not been dreaming and it was all for real.

I had all the time in the world but did not know what to do. I remembered Fred was on nightshift.

On October 32, 1978, I woke up at 6 pm and took my breakfast. After taking my breakfast, I realized that I forgot to brush my teeth and wash up and proceeded to do so. I was wondering why the morning was so dark. And mum told me that it was already 6 pm in the evening. Then I took my dinner.

After dinner, I went and watched my favorite programme on the goggle-box called SMASH. The result was that the programme was so smashing that I forgot about everything else that I act .... see .... dentedly dropped and smashed my glasses, a smashing experience.

After this, I gave my friend a ring to make an appointment. I slipped a ring onto her finger and made an appointment with her to go to the registry of marriage the following week.

After this, we adjourned at the cafe. We ordered fried oysters, fried fish, chicken noodles and liquor, and filled our stomachs though at the same time emptying my pocket.

After this I went with her to see Jaws, a very exciting film about a man-eating shark. My friend was suffering from locked-jaws and we also paid him a courtesy call to see how his jaw had fared.

After this we went to another friend’s house to listen to Saturday Night Fever, Grease and ABBA records. I was so tired and sick that I developed a fever on that Saturday night. So I asked to be driven home and was driven home in my friend’s tricycle which was used to sell fried food in the morning. The ride was so smooth that I thought I was riding in a Citroen. When I reached home I went to the toilet to piss.

Suddenly, I woke up. My bed was wet. It did not take me long to realize that I had just been living in the world of dreams.

5  THE UGLY FELLOW COUNTRYMAN

Behind every handsome face, every pretty, well rouged and mascara-ed face is an ugly fellow countryman, somebody once mentioned to me.

Are our fellow countrymen really that ugly? Maybe. Maybe not. You are entitled to your own opinions as much as I am entitled to mine.

How did this notion of the ugly fellow countryman come about? Well, when somebody saw some faces that look mean and ugly, he automatically begins to hate that person, and he automatically imagines that that person’s actions are obnoxious. And our fellow countrymen, without their special hair-do, their elegant clothes, their make-up, their beautiful cars, are indeed not that pretty. Perhaps, the pot is calling the kettle black. At least, this is a frank and honest pot.

Whenever I look into the mirror, into myself, I see an ugly streak. I, an average citizen, possess ugliness.

Is the ugly fellow countryman really ugly?

6  BESPECTACLED SPECTACLE

Judging from the countless number of bespectacled creatures in this country, we must be a nation of great readers. I have noticed that there are more spectacle shops nowadays, a probable indication of the increasing reading ability of our fellow countrymen.

Many of us have made a profession out of reading. The professional student, for instance, carry around and scrutinize thick books with very fine prints. There are many kinds of reading materials - books, magazines, newspapers, comics, posters, banners, wedding cards, obituaries, palms in the case of palmistry, faces in the case of physiognomy, boxes, bags, advertisements, and many many more. Pity the poor eyeballs who have to work so hard for our reading habits. Many progress from having 6/6 or perfect eyesight to wearing thick, thick glasses which make them look like owls, to even going blind for the unfortunate few. I can see now that the right way to go is to open a spectacle shop or two to cater to these readers who have spoilt their eyesight.

As you are reading this, you are probably also straining your eyeballs. You are most welcomed to my spectacle shop when it is opened. I hope people will read more so that this book will sell more and my spectacle shop will sell more.

Fellow owls in our nation.

7  THE WONDER OF MARTIAL ARTS

One Saturday evening, I went to the Young Men’s Christian Association at Hertford Road to watch a kung fu contest. I was invited by my neighbor, who is a kung fu master. He was a kung fu instructor at this association. It was a fine evening. The sparring-ring was quite big, about the same size as the boxing ring. Beside the ring were chairs, tables, weapons (e.g., swords, spears, etc.) and a few toy revolvers. The chairs were occupied by the judges and officials from the association. I waited for almost an hour for the contest to begin. Soon, the

contestants arrived. All the contestants looked tough, strong and rugged, and they were wearing their kung fu gears.

The first sparring then began. I stood watching the two kung fu fighters after the judge had blown his whistle for the first round. I was rather ignorant about kung fu. It was surprising to see the two fighters dancing around, staring at one another like a tiger staring at its prey. I then noticed that one of the two fighters was stretching out his arms, nodding his head, making funny gestures with his face and directing some harsh sounds Ahyah! Aieeeeeee, lai-lah-lai-lah! at his opponent. But his opponent stood still, held both his hands together, closed his eyes and seemed to be meditating, looking like a statue of Buddha. It was then that I noticed that the meditating one was much smaller in size than his funny opponent. The funny opponent stretched his arms again, kicking around with his legs, and then charged at his opponent. His opponent, still calm and quiet, suddenly flung his body to another part of the ring, stretched out his legs and tripped his bigger-sized opponent.

Then, the small fellow stood up and ran towards his opponent, sat on his stomach and, to my surprise, he tickled his opponent until the opponent gave up. His opponent was laughing, screaming and kicking helplessly before giving up. The judge then blew his whistle and proclaimed the small, delicate and timid kung fu fighter the winner.

My conclusion is that size does not matter much in kung fu while skill is the most important. Just imagine, a small, delicate fighter could overpower his much bigger opponent through his skill, common sense and imagination. The small fellow was able to improvise his method, tickling, to overcome his stronger opponent.

Is kung fu funny? Of course, kung fu is funny! The gestures and stances adopted by the kung fu exponents are funny. Kung fu is the funniest of the martial arts as compared to karate, tae-kwon-do, judo, tai-chi-chuan and kendo, which are