Raising Black Girls

By Jawanza Kunjufu

Geared toward African American parents, this handbook offers more than 50 tips on successfully guiding girls into womanhood and helping them avoid common pitfalls. The book looks at topics such as education, the definition of beauty, peer pressure, social media, dating, career development, music, television, role models, and the importance of paternal participation to help parents learn and understand how to effectively support their daughters.

• Language: English
• Publisher: African American Images
• Release date: Dec 22, 2014
• ISBN: 9780910030021

Book preview

Notes

Introduction

I have written more than 37 books, and one-third of them have been geared toward the growth and development of African American males. As a father of two sons and a grandfather of a grandson, I have had a personal interest in this important subject.

Over my 40-year career I’ve been asked hundreds of times why I haven’t written a book about African American females. I have asked my staff at African American Images to write about Black females and they have written several books; but I was led to write my first book on the subject, Educating Black Girls, in the summer of 2014. And it became a national best seller. The book was written for educators, psychologists, social workers, and all those concerned about the academic development of African American females.

While researching Educating Black Girls, I realized that there was too much information for just one book. Thus, I decided to write a second book for parents, grandparents, caregivers, foster parents, and all those who are involved in parenting African American females. In 2007, I wrote Raising Black Boys, so perhaps it was destiny that I would eventually write Raising Black Girls, the book you are now reading. While it is written primarily for adults, I encourage you to share information that you think would be appropriate with your daughter, granddaughter, or niece.

I was moved to write Educating Black Girls and Raising Black Girls because all is not well with African American females. While the media has emphasized the acute problems facing African American males, those facing Black females have gone virtually unnoticed. Too many of our girls are having problems with reading and math, retention, special education placement, suspension, expulsion, dropping out, teen pregnancy, STDs, fighting, gang involvement, obesity, relationships, and incarceration. For these reasons and many more, I felt a need to research and explore and try my best to fully understand the lives of African American females. This book reflects my concern and compassion for their development, empowerment, and overall well-being.

To understand Black girls, we must first examine not only who is raising them, but how they are being raised. There are four types of parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful.

Authoritative parenting is demanding, responsive, and child-centered. Authoritative parents have high expectations of maturity and excellence. They can empathize with their children’s feelings, but they do not allow tantrums and unacceptable behavior. They teach their children how to regulate feelings and find appropriate outlets to solve problems. Authoritative parents encourage children to be independent, but still place controls and limits on their actions. They set clear standards for their children, monitor the limits they set, and also allow children to develop autonomy. Children are expected to be mature, independent, and act in age-appropriate ways. Punishments for misbehavior are measured and consistent, not arbitrary or violent. When punishing a child, these parents explain their motives for the punishment.

Authoritarian parenting, also called strict parenting, is characterized by high expectations of conformity and compliance to parental rules and directions while allowing little open dialogue between parent and child. Authoritarian parenting is a restrictive, punitive parenting style in which obedience to rules is the primary goal. Corporate punishment, yelling, scolding, and even cursing are common.

Permissive parents are not very demanding, but they are nurturing and accepting and responsive to the child’s needs and wishes. Permissive parents do not require children to regulate themselves or behave appropriately, often resulting in spoiled brat behaviors. Children of permissive parents tend to be more impulsive, and as adolescents, there may be misconduct and drug use. Children never learn to control their own behavior, and they always expect to get their way.

Neglectful parents are uninvolved, detached, dismissive, hands off, disengaged, undemanding, unresponsive, low in warmth, and they do not set limits. Their attention always seems to be elsewhere. Neglectful parents often dismiss their children’s emotions and opinions. Parents are emotionally unsupportive of their children and only provide for their basic needs.

Now honestly ask yourself, Which parenting style best represents how I’ve been raising my daughter?

Some parents have one style with one child and another style with another child. They had one style in their ’20s, another in their ’30s, and yet another in their ’40s. They had one style when they were employed and another when unemployed. They had one style when they were happily married, another when a divorced single parent, and then another when they remarried or when a grandparent pitched in.

Now explain to your daughter the four parenting styles, then ask her, Which type of parent do you think I am?

I also would like for you to give a copy of this book to every permissive, neglectful and authoritarian parent you know.

Chapter 1: Black Girls Speak

This is my most enjoyable chapter. For the past 12 to 18 months, I’ve been traveling around the country just listening to Black girls. I truly enjoy talking to them, listening to them, appreciating them, respecting them, and being mesmerized by them. There is so much joy and beauty in Black females.

In this chapter, I’d like to share their thoughts in their own words.

My mother is my best friend.

My mama is a trip.

My dad is so cool.

I want to be a doctor, married, with two children.

I want to grow up to be somebody.

I like First Lady Michelle Obama. She’s pretty and smart.

I want to be accepted, but I don’t want to compromise.

I want to travel and get out of this neighborhood.

I like him because he’s real, and he respects me.

She’s my home girl because she has my back.

I like wearing my mama’s clothes and jewelry.

I’m glad my parents stayed together.

Don’t get mad because I’m lighter than you.

Boys will try to destroy your reputation.

If you are light skinned with good hair and a pointed nose, be ready to fight.

I became a fighter to stop boys from touching me.

I am not a b**, beotch, or beeyatch.

I want adult privileges. I’m grown. I’m 14 years old.

We come from two different generations with different issues.

We don’t know how to love ourselves because nobody’s loving us.

My mother told me my hair was too kinky to wear to church.

It’s hard finding jeans that give me booty room.

I should be able to wear what I want.

Do Black guys ever like dark girls?

You can’t trust Black girls talking to your man.

I’m running for my life when it starts raining.

I refuse to let my hair go back.

Are guys deaf or stupid?

I said, No!

Guys will say anything to get some booty.

I don’t like my mama’s boyfriend spending the night and eating up all our food.

I miss my daddy.

I laugh when I hear a White girl call her mom a b**, knowing I better not try that with my mama.

I never knew my daddy.

Everything good in me died in junior high school when I was raped.

I can’t wait to be grown to get out of this house.

All men are dogs.

He took my virginity, and he hurt me.

The room smells like bacon when I do my hair with a flat iron.

A baby will change your life forever.

Don’t call me out of my name.

I will never let a man hurt me.

I will never trust a man.

I will never fight over a man.

Doing my hair takes forever.

My butt is the largest part of my body, and the darkest.

I would play sports, but I don’t want some chick trying to roll up on me in the locker room. I don’t play that.

I like my man to be tough. I don’t want no punk.

I get tired of being called bald headed because I have short hair.

Black girls always keep some mess going.

I’m tired of my relaxer burn.

I get compliments on a weave that I’m not wearing.

I hate all the rules about my mobile device. If it’s mine, I should be able to do what I want with it.

My mama thinks I’m her maid and babysitter.

I hate wearing this school uniform.

I need to lose some weight.

I need to go to church because I’ve been cursing all week.

My mama thinks she knows everything.

I’m too nerdy for Black kids and too Black for White kids.

I hate it when my mama hollers at me.

I used to be thick. Now I’m just fat.

I wish I knew my daddy.

I wish my daddy would call me, especially on my birthday.

I’d like for you to review the above comments. Meditate on them, and ask yourself if your daughter feels this way. When was the last time you had an open, honest conversation with your daughter? When is the last time you did more listening and had your daughter do more talking?

I believe Black girls have a message to tell us. They told me that what they need most is someone who will sincerely listen to them and not be judgmental. Unfortunately, if parents are not going to listen to their daughters, then they will share their pearls of wisdom with their peer group.

In the next chapter, we will provide the framework for this book.

Chapter 2: Framework

In this chapter, we will provide the framework and concepts upon which the overall book is based. To begin, the following are just a few thought provoking ideas that will be developed throughout the book.

She’s pretty to be so black.

I’m so glad she did not come out dark.

Mama taught me how to make it without him, but not how to