Death, Taxes, & A Two-Song Set

By Tim Campbell

Strippers and strip clubs are all over the news and in movies and television shows. There are websites devoted to the subject of strip clubs and they do a tremendous traffic. There are no published statistics that I am aware of with a count of how many people visit strip clubs every year, but we all know it's a lot. TV talk show hosts we know and love have tried to figure out why, and I have some answers. It's my story, and the stories of just a few of the girls, but it will shed a little light on the bigger picture. It should be of interest to men who go and the women who wonder why. I am a "nice guy", but in the past 5 years I have spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars overindulging in this vice, initially as self-prescribed therapy for my divorce. I can now honestly say that some of my best friends are strippers! Ridiculous and fun times, stupidity, and tragedy...it's been a grand adventure and it definitely changed my life - so I want to share it with you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tim Campbell
• Release date: Dec 20, 2012
• ISBN: 9780988300576

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Death, Taxes, & A Two-Song Set

© 2013 by Timothy Lee Campbell

Smashwords Edition

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Death, Taxes, & A Two-Song Set

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantee as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book. Names and places have been changed to protect the privacy of all individuals.

© 2005, 2009, 2013 All rights reserved

by Timothy Lee Campbell

Cover drawing by C. Reyes

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems or any other form of recording, without permission in writing from the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

The print copy of this book contained quoted music lyrics; the permissions granted are shown on the following pages.  As there rights were not obtained for electronic distribution, the lyrics have been removed from the text.

-  Ashes to Ashes (David Robert Jones) – Written by David Bowie.  Reprinted by permission of Tintoretto Music, administered by RZO Music, Inc. The Notting Hill Music Group EMI Music Publishing, UK  

-  Black Hole Sun (Christopher J. Cornell) – Sound Garden; © 1994 You Make Me Sick I Make Music.  All rights administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing,8 Music Square West, Nashville, TN 37203.  All rights reserved. Used by permission.

-    Beautiful People– lyrics by Marilyn Manson, music by Twiggy Ramirez Copyright © 1996 Dinger & Ollie Music, Songs of Golgatha Music and Blood Heavy Music, all rights administered by Dinger & Ollie Music. International copyright secured. All rights reserved.

-  ESPN Presents the Jock Jam – © 1997, Tommy Boy Music, various artists; not used, but referenced.

-  Gardena – The Big Jerks; all rights reserved, used by permission from Hermosa Records.

-  Gasolina (Ramon L. Ayala, Christopher Perez Armando, Victor Santiago, Jonathan H. Smith) – DJ BuddhaRemix, Daddy Yankee, Lil Jon, Eastside Boys; all rights reserved, used by permission from.

-  Girls Girls Girls Words by Nikki Sixx, Music by Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, and Mick Mars; © 1987 WB Music Corp., Six Gunner Music, Mars Mountain Music and Tommyland Music.  All rights on behalf of itself and Tommyland Music administered by David Weise and Associates, Inc.  All rights on behalf  of itself and Six Gunner Music Administered by WB Music Corp. All rights reserved, Used by Permission of Alfred Publishing Co., Inc. – Mötley Crüe.

-  Hoochie Mama (David P Hobbs, Mark D Ross, Christopher Wongwon) – Two Live Crew; all rights reserved, used by permission from David P Hobbs.

-  It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World Words and Music by James Brown and Betty Newsome, © 1966 (Renewed) Dynatone Publishing Company and Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp. All Rights on Behalf of Dynatone Publishing Company Administered by Unichappell Music Inc. All Rights Reserved Used by Permission of Alfred Publishing Co., Inc.

-  Lil Red Riding Hood(Ronald Blackwell) – Sam the Sham and the Phaoros; © 1996 Sony/ATV Songs, LLC.  All rights administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing,8 Music Square West, Nashville, TN 37203.  All rights reserved. Used by permission.

-  The Meadow( Ben Vaught, Chad Benekos, Jerrad Shain,  Wes Geer,  Mark Young,  Doug Boyce) – Head PE; © 2000 Zomba Enterprises/BC Beats Music/Chizad Music/M.C.U.D. Music/Wesstyle Music/Mawk Music/DJ Product Music; All rights for the US on behalf of  BC Beats Music, Chizad Music, M.C.U.D. Music, Wesstyle Music, Mawk Music, and DJ Product Music administered by Zomba Enterprises. Used by permission.

-  Perfect Gentleman – Wyclef Jean; Sony/ATV Music Publishing,8 Music Square West, Nashville, TN 37203.  All rights reserved. Used by permission.

-  Private Dancer (Mark Knoepfler)  –Tina Turner; Straitjacket Songs Ltd. all rights reserved, used by permission from Universal Music Publishing Group.

-  Say It Ain’t So – words and music by Rivers Cuomo. Copyright © 1994 E.O. Smith Music. International copyright secured. All rights reserved.

-  Try Me Words and Music by James Brown, © 1958 (Renewed) Jadar Music Corp., All Rights Administered by Unichappell Music, Inc., All Rights Reserved by Permission of Alfred Publishing Co., Inc.

-  Untouchable Face – written by Ani DiFranco, © 2007 Righteous Babe Music (BMI) administered by BUG. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

-  Yeah – words and music by James Phillips, La Marquis Jefferson, Christopher Bridges, Jonathan Smith and Sean Garrett. ©2004 EMI April Music Inc., Air Control Music, Basajamba Music, Ludacris Music Publishing, Inc., Me and Marq Music, Hitco South, Christopher Garrett Publishing, Hitco Music, Christopher Matthew Music, and White Rhino Music, Inc. All rights for Air Control Music, Basajamba Music, and Ludacris Music Publishing, Inc., controlled and administered by EMI April Music, Inc. All rights for Hitco South and Christopher Garrett Publishing administered by Music of Windswept. All rights for Hitco Music and Christopher Matthews Music administered by Songs of Windswept Pacific. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

By the way, most of those cost me some money…but most of the people were very helpful, and a pleasure to work with in every way.  Alfred, BUG, Sony/ATV, RZO, Universal, Notting Hill, you have really good people working there!!  And the Big Jerks rule!

Thank you’s:

First and foremost, Betty – I loved you like only a pathetic high school kid should; it was probably best that you moved away, but I hoped to find you again someday, and I would still value your friendship. Jade, little sweetheart, I wish you all the best and hope somehow it finds you. Kate . . . wow; you can do it, whatever it is. Maya, Zoe, thanks for the laughs. Ariel, Cassandra, thanks for being my friends.  Pepper, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.  Kimberly Austin, wow. Ellie, you are a beautiful girl.  Sadie/Hope, keep smiling, Jesselyn, keep surfing. Giselle, another girl I can’t say enough good things about.

Joey, you are special, I need not say more. Astrid, live it hard, take what you want, and I hope there is something left standing when you are done. Tessa, you were the first temptation. Hannah, you are a goddess, believe it or not. Tori, I am sorry. Keesa, you are a little hottie, but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect you. Jade, you kick ass. Sexy, it looks like you live with a vengeance, and I have to respect that. Gidget, you are a great girl, and special, and I wish you the best. Melissa, thanks for the attention. Karmen, you are only as crazy as the voices tell you that you are . . . keep up the good work. Mercedes, it was a pleasure to see you and learn that you aren’t a bitch, but are really pretty nice. Ivy – holy crap!  Gina, damn, you look great—good luck with everything. Suzanne, thanks for not treating me like a loser. Sugar, I hope you are doing well, and may all of your holistic, alternative ideas keep you healthy, happy, and safe. Nomi, you make it sound like fun even when you want to make it sound like work.

Peaches, you are special, too, and I hope life turns around and makes you happy. Audrey, Isis, I have enjoyed every minute of talking to you and getting to know you, and I value your friendship very much. Baby, may you realize your potential—it is way, way up there. ‘Bama, I didn’t get to know you except 3rd hand, but you have so much more than you are using. Kelly, you’re sweet. Diamond you are a special girl, and I hope you know it. Liz, I appreciate you. Adora, your friends are lucky to have you and I think you’re  a very good person. Cherry, oh how the mighty have fallen—pick up the pieces and I wish you all the best from there. Kaitlyn; a will-o-the-wisp, gone but not forgotten. Daisy, you are too sweet and underestimate yourself—I hope all is well with you and I hope you also find happiness. Missy, be confident. Kitty, you are an incredible find. Sky, you are beautiful and it means a lot to me that you make me feel welcome; I like you a lot even though we never talk. Taylor, you are great! Celeste, I hope that cool persona finds warmth outside.

Madonna, I hope in some other part of your life you find some joy to rival your beauty. Mariah, I remember you, though I doubt you remember me. Trinity, you, too. Devon, I hope you keep some softness under the hard edges. Diamond, you don’t have to grow up so hard, either. Barbie, keep smiling. Nicole, drive safe.

Brooklyn, I don’t know what to think, but I think you must be pretty great; my best to you.

Star . . . I will try to tell you as many times as you’ll let me, in the hopes that someday you will believe me.

Sarah…thank you, and I am sorry.  You helped me figure out what I want and do not want, what I am and am not, and what I do and do not want to be. A little, at least.  I wish you only good things; things that are good for you, not the things you want.  I actually do love you; that doesn’t go away whatever you thought of me, however little, hard as that is on me.  Ever.  I wish I could have been your white knight, instead of just as horrible as everyone else.

I had to cut this off at some point and stop adding to it. Anyone I have omitted, don’t think you didn’t matter. I wish you all the best life can give you.

I walked into another world (through a tinted glass door), and it was a world made for me (sort of), and I was welcomed. It was a world full of real people, no matter how unreal the landscape; people with real lives, real stories, and real dreams. I made friends, and came to care about people, and was cared for in return. 

For everything, all of you, thank you

Author’s Note

I just hung up the phone with my friend Cassandra – she was screaming at me…I think she would be hitting me if she could reach.  I just let her read this book for the first time.  It seems there are a lot of things I have told her about that she didn’t find in the book, and it has upset her.  Admittedly, some important things; some ridiculous, some spectacular (and yes, lots of sex)…some of those things I have now gone back and snuck in, where they belong; others have to be dealt with later.

I am not a professor of Economics (private wink to Cassandra), but I think experience works like interest is supposed to on an investment; the more you get, the quicker it builds.  This book is a beginning, and it covers a certain period of my life, up until 2005.

I had to write this stuff first – I had to live this stuff first; I wouldn’t have got here if I hadn’t been there first…if you feel I have left something out, you just know too much.  Be patient.  I have every intention of getting to it – next book.

This is where it all began…

"Satisfied and content" are not bad words.

Tina Turner

Private Dancer

Contents

Prologue  

All Will Be Revealed

Ancient History    

Tessa

Diamond

Mariah

Jury Duty

Driven

Madonna

Barbie

Ivy

Shades of Gray

Where the Hell am I?

Betty Black

Darla

Joey

Savannah

Up Close and Personal

What’s With the Shoes?

Hannah

Karmen

Nomi

Control

The Staff

Kari

Christy

Cassandra

Reality, or a Good Imitation

Name Magic

Nicole

Kimmy

Sugar

A Pause for Refreshment

Perspective

Kinds of Crushes

Elements of Dance

Anne

Daisy

Christina

An Aside

Closer Than You Think

Matchstick Men

Jenna

Pepper

Holly

Roll Call

Huh?

Bizarro

The Girls’ Rules

Desire

Candy

Cherry

Bob

Tricks of the Trade

Keesa

Jade

Donna

The Real Clubs

Face the Music

Isis

Baby

Skye

Couch Names & Brazil

Where will it end?

Loss

Prologue

It is summer, maybe 1982 or ‘83. That makes me about 15. The sun is shining. It is a beautiful day, and Glenn and I are riding our bicycles through the neighborhood—probably to or from Central Park.

Sometime, not too long ago, I had decided there should be a band that follows me around in life playing circus music. Partly inspired by Sir Robin’s minstrels in Holy Grail; my musicians were a little more mariachi-like in my mind.  Something About Mary, but mobile. Circus music would fit the ridiculous way life seemed to slap at me in my teen angst.

That day something else hit me. There should be dancing girls! I exclaim. I am sure Glenn thinks I am crazy for a minute, and then remembers I am crazy. Don’t you think? I ask. Dancing girls?

Um, yeah, he says, humoring me.

Little did I know . . .

All Will Be Revealed

So, what is this book?

This is a sort of anecdotal, personal journey, exposé, tell-all guidebook. Mostly about strippers. Of course. From a nice guy’s point of view—not so of course. There is other literature out there, but it is mostly from a woman’s point of view—whether she is a dancer or a psychologist aside. I think this book will be a one-of-a-kind, or at least a pioneer effort. It is also a tribute to the girls; a tribute—and in some cases, an admonishment or an apology.

I want to tell you all about what I have seen and learned about the LA, Orange County, and Inland Empire strip scene (influenced, perhaps, by a few side trips to Vegas and random elsewheres): the girls, the rules, the money, and the funny stories and tragedies I have either been part of, witnessed, or been told. Keep in mind I am an OK-looking white guy in his mid-30s; I don’t know for sure how that affects things, but I am sure that it does.

I will not come through this looking cool—I am the first to call myself a jackass! You won’t want to be me, but you are welcome to laugh both with and at me. I do. These places have been my sanctuary and my addiction, a blessing and a curse.

So, if you live in or visit Southern California—or are simply a fan of exotic dancers—kick back (in a well-lit room, for a change), put your feet up, and follow me from the ATM to the tipping rail and back again . . .

OK, so to protect the innocent, the very guilty, those in between, and my kneecaps, I am going to pretend that all of my stories from clubs where the dancers are nude are from the Huntington Beach Flamingo, while topless stories will be attributed to the former Mermaids of Newport Beach. These clubs are gone now, shut down by the uptight citizens of these Orange County towns—so don’t go looking for trouble! The HB Flamingo is a skinny parking lot now, so thoroughly has it been eradicated—they really wanted it gone!

If you happen to meet someone I talk about here, I want there to be enough doubt in your mind that no one can accuse me of breaking their trust or spilling their secrets. God knows you’ll probably meet more than one Jade, Jenna, Devon, Trinity, Celeste, Diamond . . .

I think I can guess the first questions you will be asking: So, how many of them are single mothers? How many also prostitute themselves? Well, lots of girls said they wouldn’t mind if I asked them questions or interviewed them. Hell, there usually is some little gossip or story when I visit my friends, and I think you can infer a lot . . . I just don’t want to start you off with false assumptions, so let me tell you definitively that the answer to both of those questions—in southern CA, anyway—is not all and maybe fewer than you think.

Some of these girls are really nice. You’d be happy to talk to them in line at the grocery store; they could make you smile anywhere.

Some of these girls are detached, all business—they are doing a job or providing a service (which they may be very good at), and although it isn’t selling aluminum siding, it means just as much to them.

Sometimes it’s more like they’re nurses—they’ll do the sometimes distasteful job with whatever bedside manner they’ve developed, and they are consistent from patient to patient.

Some of these girls hate what they do, hate men, hate themselves . . . I have seen girls snap at customers for no reason, seeing something in them that reminded them of some particular aspect of their unhappiness, I assume. I watched a girl like that do her set at the Olympic Garden in Las Vegas, and she went around the stage yelling at guys for trying to touch her (which I don’t think was happening) and just seeming generally furious, while the girls before and after her did the normal shove-a-guy’s-face-in-your-tits routines. And I do mean yelling. Not nice words. Fortunately, it was loud in there.

(By the way, in California the legal drinking age is 21.  And in most of California, no club with nude stage performers can serve alcohol—whereas it is OK if they are just topless. Therefore, the nude clubs are full of 18-, 19-, and 20-year-old dancers, while you can find veterans of 40 in the topless clubs. Oh, there is the occasional old-timer in a nude club, but that’s the gist of it: the youngest dancers take off the most clothes.)

You can pick your poison. Whatever style you want to spend time around, you can find an attractive example to take your money—have no fear. 

That can be a game, too: categorize the girls in a million ways: Blondes, brunettes, redheads. Tall, short, thin, fat—hourglass, pear, round. Smiles, never smiles. Dances to rap, dances to rock, dances to country. Southern accent, Australian accent, Brazilian accent . . . you get it. It’s a panoply, a plethora, a myriad, a smorgasbord. Enjoy,