Losing The Plot

By Dean Baker

They say everyone has a book inside them; well Rick Bateman has a whole library bursting to get out. Told in amusing style, through letters, emails and diary entries, Rick quits his lucrative sales job to devote his daylight hours to writing The Great Novel. Literally bursting with ideas, he then begins penning his masterpieces of fiction on his new and expensively purchased laptop, personifying the phrase ‘all the gear but no idea’ and duly submitting his efforts to a raft of agents optimistic of success.
But as the weeks go by and the rejection letters start flooding in, Rick’s bruised ego elicits increasingly vehement rants on everything from the publishing industry to the instant fame given to reality TV stars.
Following more and more random advice on how to get published, Rick begins to drastically ramp up the wow factor in his ideas which become ever more ridiculous (and increasingly plagiaristic).
Losing the plot asks the questions: Does persistence overcome resistance? How far would you go to achieve a dream? And how far is too far?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dean Baker
• Release date: Dec 4, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310833601

Dean Baker

Dean Baker is an award winning writer, who holds a degree in Political science, English literature and is currently the Men's Olympic 100m champion. He's also an extremely gifted liar, which helps him write incredible fiction.Having escaped a life of grinding affluence, via careers as a spy, parking attendant, carpet Salesman, air-traffic controller and street-sweeper he attained a position of subsistence level mediocrity in the IT industry. He then surveyed his vista and decided that the world of fiction would be his new domain and immediately began to unleash his works of brilliance.The first, The Big R, is a hilarious romantic comedy, released to the critical acclaim of select members of his family and friends, and is now available on Smashwords.

Book preview

Acknowledgements

Huge thanks to my loving wife (and chief editor!) Julie Borcsok and my parents.

MONDAY

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Bcc: All Staff

Re: Parting of the Hemmingways

Dear Bollen,

Trusting that my email finds you fit and well on an unfortunately dreary Monday morning, having given things some thought recently, I have some rather important news for you.

I can assure you that my decision has absolutely nothing to do with the impending disciplinary hearing you convened for ten o’clock this morning and more to do with the fact I’ve decided to listen to that little voice inside me that’s been telling me for some time now, to inform you that I’m granting you the option of shoving your poxy job up your fat, sweaty, haemorrhoidal arse. You’ve got balls Bollen, I’ll give you that. But what’s the point of having big balls if you’ve only got a tiny bat (Janet informed the whole office). From what I’ve heard, I don’t think it’s any coincidence that your email signature lists you as Ass. Man.

If it is any consolation to you, I WAS writing part of a novel during your (intensely dull) team meeting and no, I WASN’T paying any attention to your motivational speech (and I doubt anyone else was either, ask around).

Anyway, take this as written notice. I’m off; outta here, following my yellow brick road to bigger and better things (so I don’t need a reference). I’m leaving to write THE great novel. And so, at last, I must bid you a fond adieu. Though I’ll miss your intensely irritating nasal whine, I’m sure I’ll get over it once my first book hits the Times best seller list, and I’ll be thinking of you when I accept my first Booker prize (though don’t expect to get a mention in my acceptance speech). Finally, (and I think the whole office would agree with me) I would certainly recommend a good deodorant to you, anything to mask that stench that currently stalks the corridors and scorches the wallpaper.

Kind Regards

Rick Bateman

Junior account manager

Solomon Bros UK Ltd

From: [e-mail]

To: All Staff

Re: Leaving drinks

Guys,

As you may have just heard, today will be my last day. I’m off to write the great novel. Eight years of working in the industry are about as much as I can take and whilst it’s been a pleasure working with most of you (and under some of you- remember the 2005 Xmas party Janet?? I know I do!) I can’t say that I will miss this place. However, as a last farewell, I will be in the Kings Head in approximately five minutes time to share a few drinks before I take the last train and depart anonymity station, heading for Successville.

Keep an eye out for me on Richard and Judy!

Rick Bateman

Junior account manager

Solomon Bros UK Ltd

From: [e-mail]

To: IT Dept

Re: Urgent

Please terminate Rick Bateman’s email and logon accounts ASAP.

P.S Can you please change my email signature to read ‘Assistant Manager’.

Bollen Swalls

Ass. Man.

Solomon Bros UK Ltd

From: [e-mail]

To: All Staff

Re: Re: Parting of the Hemmingways

Dude, that was one hell of a resignation letter. We might not have seen eye to eye all the time, but that one showed some style!

Best of luck

Terry Phelps

Junior account manager

Solomon Bros UK Ltd

PS, Has anyone seen my West Ham coffee mug??

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Re: What the f**k???

Rickster, what’s going on? Been trying to call you but your phone is switched off and I keep getting bounce back messages saying address doesn’t exist, so I’m trying your hotmail. You haven’t been fired have you?? I’ve got the itinerary for Biscuit’s stag do and we have to pay the deposit by the end of the week. The strip club was fully booked so I’ve had to get creative, but I think you’ll like it! Get back to me.

Laterz

Tim

PS. Had an absolute MINT Beamer M3 come in today, fancy going for a burn tonight??

LATER

Dear Diary,

Ok, trying out this new writing exercise I saw recommended in a book. Apparently keeping a diary keeps the imagination sharp. Well if it’s good enough for Samuel Pepys and Adrian Mole, it’s good enough for me.

Handed in my notice at work today. B was not best pleased and tried to have security throw me out but he was too late, the twat. I’d already cleared my desk before I hit send and was sipping Heineken in the Kings Head before anybody knew I was gone. I don’t know whether B threatened anybody with the sack if they came over but there was a pretty poor turn out at my impromptu leaving party. Only Janet turned up, and she wasn’t best pleased that I’d brought up her extra curricular activities (even though she’s responsible for 99% of Solomon’s gossip). Anyway, she wished me all the best with my writing and we’ve promised to keep in touch. I said I’d invite her to my book launch!

I’ll miss the regular pay check but it is a real relief to know that today was the last day I’ll ever have to try and push crap office stationary on unsuspecting customers (not that it bothered me to fleece people!) or deal with that fat prick Bollen and the last time I’ll ever have to read another email about lost mugs, or flat shares or the top ten list of George Bush speeches!

Diary

Sandra arrived home about an hour ago and we had a blazing row when I told her I’d walked out of Solomon’s. Being Scandinavian, she always seems to have a weird saying for any occasion. She came out with a real baffler this time, something like Don't throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water. Not entirely sure what she meant by that but it kind of got forgotten when I told her that I’d just bought a new laptop to write on. She hit the roof, then hit me, several times with a rolled up copy of the Metro. I think her Viking genes come out when she’s stressed. She called me a stupid Englishman, and said we couldn’t afford it and that there was nothing wrong with the old one, but its three years old and chock full of spy-ware, viruses and pictures of her bloody nephew. At least I can use it till they deliver my new one; I told her it wasn’t expensive…

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Re: Order no: 568902

Dear Mr Bateman,

Thank you for your order:

Sony Viao VGN-CR42Z/R Laptop

•Intel Core 2 Duo Processor T8300

•(2.4GHz, 800 MHz FSB, 3 MB Cache)

•Genuine Windows Vista (R) Home Premium

•4 GB Memory

•500 GB Hard Drive

•Blue-Ray - DVD ReWriter Optical Drive

•14.1" X Black Widescreen Display

•ATi Mobility Radeon X2300 graphics card

•Wireless enabled, Webcam

Next day delivery (Pre 10:30am) £79.99

Total (Inc VAT) £2999.00

Thank you for your purchase.

Dear Diary,

Just been watching the Book show with Mariella Frostrup. Even though the subjects for discussion are a little bit high brow (especially in comparison to the Richard and Judy Book Club) it’s still worth watching. Nice outfit again today. I do find it quite difficult to concentrate on what she’s saying in that husky whisper, and after a few seconds my ears tune out and my gaze starts to focus on her cleavage (especially when she leans in towards the interviewee). I did manage to pick up bits of what the expert was saying. It sounded like good advice and the help books he mentioned are all on Amazon apparently. Might try and pick one or two up. Can’t hurt can it?

Amazon.co.uk Shopping cart:

The Complete Handbook of Novel Writing £6.79

The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes £9.99

How to Write a Damn Good Novel: A Step-By-Step No Nonsense Guide to Dramatic Storytelling £8.75

Plot and Structure: Techniques and Exercises for Crafting and Plot That Grips Readers from Start to Finish £9.99

Characters, Emotions and Viewpoint: Techniques and Exercises for Crafting Dynamic Characters and Effective Viewpoints £7.90

Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, Second Edition: How to Edit Yourself Into Print £12.49

Novelist's Essential Guide to Crafting Scenes £8.67

Beginnings, Middles and Ends (The Elements of Fiction Writing) £8.49

Standard delivery: Free

Your total is: £73.07

Thank you for your purchase.

TUESDAY

Dear Diary,

Well, after about an hour and a half of arsing around I finally managed to get the bloody new laptop working. The delivery man arrived at seven forty five! I was having quite a nice dream about Mariella and a bowl of whipped cream when I was woken by the ringing of the doorbell. I thought Sandra had forgotten her keys again so I decided for a laugh, I’d hang the door keys over my cock and push it out through the letter box. When she didn’t take them (or shout at me) I opened the door and was quite surprised to see a delivery man walking briskly away from the door. That’s when I looked down to see the box left on the doorstep.

Anyway, I managed to get it out of the box and plugged in but I had a hell of a time figuring out how to use it. This bloody Windows Vista is a right pain. Usually at work we just give the things to the techie nerds who work it out and give it back when it’s working. Then I found out that there was no MS office loaded (You don’t get much for three grand these days!) so I had to drive down to the Shopping Centre and buy a copy, so I’m another two hundred quid lighter this morning. By the time I’d done all that I wasn’t really in the mood to write anything so I thought I’d do my diary thing.

Dear Diary,

Really can’t be arsed with the novel today. Not really getting much inspiration. I have all the elements of a great book in my head but it doesn’t want to come out on paper (or hard drive).

My books arrived this morning. Postman wasn’t too pleased to have to carry half a ton of Amazon box up the path, but he’s a fat bastard and he looked like he could use the exercise. Plus, as I reminded him, it’s internet deliveries that are keeping him in a job, the lazy scrote! Anyway, I ended up with about three bins full of cardboard. Christ knows why Amazon uses so much packaging for small items. I had one box, the size of a briefcase for one small book. I suppose I better start reading them now, though This Morning is on soon so I may have to check out what the delightful Miss Willoughby is wearing today first.

Dear Diary,

This Morning really need to get rid of Schofield. Don’t know why they gave him the job anyway, he was a bloody kids TV presenter. Had his hand up a knitted Gophers arse half his working life. Anyway, was having a right good perv over Holly Willoughby and the inspiration struck. She was doing a long piece to camera and so I thought I’d bash one out quickly. But just as I was about to finish, she hands over to Phil! Ruined it totally, so I switched over to Neighbours. I’d definitely bonk that Steph Scully. I then spent about half an hour flicking through the self help books, what a waste of time! They’re all total bollocks. Mostly just some university lecturer spouting off anecdotal stories about his Naïve students and how dumb they are and telling me not to make the same mistakes they did. I think it’s true what they say. Those who can do, those who can’t, teach (or pimp shitty books on writing to unpublished writers). Steven King or JK Rowling or Salman Rushdie don’t waste their time writing these books, they just write their own (Though in Rushdie’s case it can’t be easy to find time to write at all if you’re living in a fortified underground bunker under constant threat of suicide bombers). The books that tell you how to get published are the biggest joke, great gems of wisdom like Type double-space or Spell-check before you submit and my favourite Read the submission guidelines before submitting. Yeah, really useful information. The others seem to just repeat the same stuff over and over. Show don’t tell, have complex interesting characters, begin with a hook etc without actually telling you HOW to do that. Looks like I’d have been better off flushing my money down the toilet. I think from now on I’ll just watch the Book Show with Mariella. Even if she’s talking total bollocks most of the time, at least she does it with a sexy pout and a lot of cleavage on show. I suppose she’s the literary equivalent of Nigella Lawson (except without the fat arse).

Rick Bateman’s How to get published guide.

1.) Have one or both parents working for a major International Publisher

2.) Have one or both parents be world famous

3.) Become famous by either sleeping with someone famous or marrying someone famous

4.) Be attacked/kidnapped/imprisoned in a third world country (preferably by someone famous)

5.) Get on Big Brother or sleep with someone who has been on Big Brother

THURSDAY

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Re: Potentially seriously F**ked!!

Rickster,

Where are you? I can’t get you on the phone or email. Sandra hasn’t killed you has she? Incidentally, Cassie may be about to amputate my meat and two veg. She found the ‘Promotional documentation’ I got from that lap dancing club I scouted for Biscuit’s stag do, we had a row and I stormed off to the pub. I tried to get hold of you for a few pints but your phone must have been switched off. I ended up bumping into Paul Reynolds and Dirty Barry (those guys are serious booze hounds even compared to me). Anyway I let slip about the Beamer M3 and they talked me into taking them out in it. Had a bit of a burn up in the multi-storey car park and then Barry somehow convinced me to let him drive. He screeched off down to that long dual carriage way at the bottom of the hill and kept his foot to the floor. Then out of nowhere this fox bounded across in front of us and he swerved and ended up rolling it. It frightened the life out of me. I thought we were going to die! Anyway, afterwards we just ran, nothing else to do. So the boss comes in this morning to find it gone and goes frantic. He’s asking all the salesmen if anybody has taken it out for a test drive. Then he comes over to me and asks. Luckily he’s so preoccupied about the car he doesn’t ask why my face is all scratched up. I just keep quiet and so he reports it stolen. I hope that car park didn’t have CCTV. I’m bricking it a bit mate and I don’t mind admitting it. What do you think I should do?

Get back to me

Tim

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: How’s it going??

Hi Rick,

I know it’s been three days since you left but I’ve been really, really busy here. Customers keep returning most of the supplies we sell them and there’s currently a pile of boxes of toner cartridges stacked up in the lobby and we had a guy come in the other day threatening to burn down the office if we didn’t refund him. He really was quite unpleasant. So nothing much has changed since you left (as you expected). B is still an Ass. Man. (Though IT have changed his signature at last!) and Pippa is still a ball busting psycho whore. She dumped a pile of letters for franking on my desk at four thirty yesterday, knowing full well I wanted to get off early for the Debenhams sale. I swear she’s got it in for me because I resisted her butch lesbian advances (or maybe it’s because B flirts with me and not her, which do you think it is?). Anyway, I went today during my lunch break and who should I see ahead of me in the queue clutching a Gucci handbag? Bloody Pippa. She had the gall to have a go at me for being late back from lunch too, I mean it was only twenty five minutes! The woman is a Nazi.

There isn’t too much office gossip at the moment except for Terry and Tania splitting up. It’s getting quite nasty. To be honest I don’t know what they saw in each other. She’s a stuck up cow with bad hair and awful skin and he looks like Count Dracula’s gay cousin.

So how’s the book coming along? How’s Sandra? Is she still fat? When will I see you again?

J

From: [e-mail]

To: All Staff

Subject: missing fan

Auto forwarded by a Rule

To whoever has taken the fan from reception please return it immediately.

Thanks

Janet Pilchard

Receptionist

Solomonbros

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Re; How’s it going??

Hi Janet,

I never thought Terry and Tania would last. Forget about Pippa she is a bitter twisted lesbian. She just needs a good shag to sort out her neurotic fixation. Unfortunately, as she has a face like a badgers arse, it’s unlikely to happen (unless someone gets UNBELEIVEABLY drunk at the Xmas party!). Yes, I’ve been pretty busy myself, what with working full time as a novelist etc. It was a big step, but one that I am convinced I am more than capable of making. Solomon’s is a sinking ship anyway. Sooner or later the whole sales team will get bored of selling stuff that customers just send back for refund. Why they persist with that Chinese manufacturer I don’t know. I mean it’s cheap, but most of the time it just doesn’t work. That’s why I knew it was the right time to leave. You were about the only reason I stayed as long as I did.

Rick

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Re; How’s it going??

Rick,

That’s very kind of you to say. I have to say I always felt a connection with you. I know you’ve been having problems with Sandra for some time, I’m always here for you if you need to talk about things.

Janet

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Re; How’s it going??

Janet,

Thanks but things are quite fine with me and Sandra. Yes, she can be a bit hot headed about things sometimes (and if she found out what we got up to at the Xmas party she might have a Viking melt-down and come after me with an axe!) but she’s got a good heart and we’re pretty solid as things stand.

Rick

From: [e-mail]

To: All staff

Subject: Car with lights on

Guys,

There is a car with lights on in the car park, a little mauve Peugeot reg: R243 BKN

James

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Annoying fucking emails...

Janet, I keep getting stupid emails from dickheads like James Waters. I never liked the guy when I worked at Solomon’s so I don’t know why I have to suffer him now. I don’t even know why I’m getting these emails to my personal email. Can you get me the email address of that twat from IT? I want them stopped.

Cheers

Rick

From: [e-mail]

To: All Staff

Subject: Room for let

Guys,

Due to circumstances a room is available in my flat for a very reasonable rent. Water/Gas/Electricity included (along with my delightful company). Preference given to women, but failing that, first come first served. It’s dry, fairly tidy and close to the tube station and Spearmint Rhino (Chaps!). I’m sure it will go fast, so don’t dilly dally!

Terry

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Re: Annoying fucking emails...

Rick,

I seriously wonder about you sometimes. Am I supposed to PA for you as well as Bollen Swalls now? As you pointed out, you don’t work here anymore, so why should I do your running around for you? I suspect the guy you want is [e-mail]. The other IT guy would probably take all year to get off his arse to do it, so Evan is the most likely to help you, though I’m not sure why anyone should.

Janet

From: [e-mail]

To: All Staff

Subject: Re: Room for let

I think what Terry meant to say was:

Due to the fact that my girlfriend found my credit card bill and noticed I’d spent £2000 in one night at Spearmint Rhino, I now have a spare room available in the flat. Also due to the fact that the said £2000 is now gone and I’m already three months in arrears to my Lebanese landlord, I have exactly seven days to come up with the rent or I may be at serious risk of losing either my kneecaps or at least one testicle. I would consider blowing sailors for cash down by the docks but even they probably wouldn’t go for me with my retro Goth Eddie Munster look and so I am looking to fleece some unsuspecting colleague for the money. The room is dingy, has that faint whiff of mould, (despite copious application of Fabreeze) and is not fit to habit animals. The rent is extortionate and it is a bloody long walk from the tube. Preference given to nubile young women with large breasts I can stare at whilst talking inane rubbish about Goth/Punk bands you’ll never have heard of whilst I fail to notice how deathly boring I am.

Tania Grey

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Re: Annoying fucking emails

Dear IT Geek dept,

You may remember me, Rick Bateman. I was a senior sales adviser at Solomon’s before I stepped up in the world. However, though I may have moved on, it seems that Solomon’s is loathe to let me disappear into that sweet goodnight. The emails are still being forwarded to my personal email and it’s VERY annoying, not to mention an invasion of my privacy. It’s probably also fucking illegal, so here’s the deal. If I receive another email about coffee mugs, cars with lights on or dropped cigarette butts in the car park, I’ll be holding YOU personally responsible. If one more missing stapler appeal or flat for rent circular comes through to me I will have my attorney slap you with a writ so fast you’ll be bleeding from your eyes and if my size nines connect with your butt, you’ll be bleeding from your arse as well. Understand??

Rick Bateman

From: [e-mail]

To: All Staff

Subject: Taking to the Skies for Breakthrough!!!!

Auto forwarded by Rule

Guys,

Myself and Caroline will be taking the plunge and plummeting 10,000ft out of an aeroplane freefalling for 5,000ft at 120mph before the parachute is deployed – all in the name of charity!! We will be taking part in a Tandem Skydive in July to raise money for Breakthrough Breast Cancer.

With nearly 46,000 women and over 300 men diagnosed with breast cancer every year in the UK, Breakthrough needs our help more than ever. Every penny we raise will help them to continue with its pioneering breast cancer research, campaigning and education work.

We are hoping to raise £1000 for Breakthrough and help this very worthy cause. Please visit our page at www.bmycharity.com/pippaandcaroline; alternatively we have a sponsorship form which you can also use to donate.

We thank you in advance for all your support.

Kind regards

Pippa Cameron & Caroline Elliott

From:[e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Re: Annoying fucking emails

Dear Sir,

Regarding your recent contact with the helpdesk. Your case has been assigned ticket number: 80110009843769. Your issue has been passed to one of our desktop support analysts who will contact you as soon as possible. If you need to escalate the issue as a matter of urgency, please call the main helpdesk number and quote your ticket reference number.

Regards

IT Desktop Support Dept

From: [e-mail]

To: All Staff

Subject: Fire Alarm Test

Auto forwarded by Rule

Dear All

The fire alarm will be tested today between 09:00 and 09:30

The alarm will sound for a short period of time and no action is required.

Should the alarm sound for an extended period of time and not silence as usual, you should evacuate the building.

Thanks

Janet

Janet Pilchard

Health & Safety Manager

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Re: Fire Alarm Test

Janet,

Are you taking the piss??

Rick

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Re: Fire Alarm Test

Rick,

It’s not me, they are auto forwarded from the mail server. Only the IT guys can switch it off. Did you ask Evan? (Nicely that is?)

Janet

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Give her more of yourself

Dear Sir,

We at the Enlargement centre know how much anxiety some men feel about the size of their penis, but worry no longer (Ha Ha!) as our intensive scientific study has found the fool-proof way to fuller, thicker longer lasting erections. But don’t just take our word for it, ask our customers:

I didn’t know a simple herbal remedy like this could make my life wonderful again,

For a free trial just email our sales department at [e-mail] and start living your life again!

Frank Weiner

President Eudict Corp

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Re: Fire Alarm Test

Of course I asked him politely, but the contemptible little shit obviously thinks it’s funny to take the piss. I think he’s put my address on some sort of spam list. Now I’m getting all sorts of stuff, everything from Readers Digest to Impotence pills. If this doesn’t stop soon, he’ll be the one needing impotence pills because I’ll come down