Unknown Desires of the Heart

By Kiana Matlock

As twenty-six year old Sara tried to keep her life from unraveling, God moved her from Dallas, TX to a small country town in Montana. Trust is something that didn’t come easy, especially when a fake marriage certificate was accidentally sent in and legalized. But will it last or will she run?

David, who lived across the dirt road, wasn't ready for the young mother who moved in. Trying to help her get adjusted, his frustration broke through. Will Sara see his true identity after he returns from a 9 month work trip?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kiana Matlock
• Release date: Nov 4, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311438799

Kiana Matlock

Ms. Matlock is a mother of two. Her time is spent between activities at her children's school and Church. Writing started as a way to vent for this young mother, but soon became a way to show her love of imagination.

Book preview

CHAPTER I

James 1:2

Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.

I sat in the blue recliner that was in our living room, I wondered what just happened. Was it a dream or was it real? Is Clay really saying he wanted a break and that I needed to leave the house? The room began to twist like a tornado and everything started flying, as I was still seated in the chair going up with the rest of the stuff. I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I was staring into space.

HONK!

I sat straight up and the blood rushed to my face. My heart was pounding hard. I felt the bed around me. The space where Clay normally sleeps was still made. He didn't come home last night. Maybe he had another long night at the office and just stayed there, because of the crazy hours he's been working. He hasn't had a break with a case he was handed a couple months ago.

Lying back down against my soaked pillow, I began to control my breathing. It was only a dream. Sighing, I sat up at the edge of my bed and looked at my closet. Clay and I had separate closets because, what did he say? I don't need you crowding my space. Yes, that's right, that's what he said.

Walking towards my closet I started to go through my shirts that were hung up. I wanted to be comfy today, but I couldn't. The club meeting was today. I don't want to face those ladies. Not today. They like their pricy clothes, food, cars, and every woman has to out - do each other. I just don't want to go!

I knew they didn't care for me because I wouldn't play their little stupid games. They wanted to compete with who had the best kids and cars and houses. Why Clay insisted I join them is beyond me. When we moved into our 8 bedroom house in the Country Club area, Clay was making partner in his law office. He longed for that day so much that we put off most of our life until he was picked. We had our 4 kids, but a year ago things changed. He got picked, we moved to this more than we need house, I had to join the Society Girls at the club, and we had to have a nanny according to Clay. I wasn't allowed to do things with my kids as much because I was the wife and the nanny was there to be with the kids. I was a trophy wife and nothing more.

Taking a deep breath, I wiped the mirror that had been glazed by the fog from the shower. Once the mirror became clear, I didn't recognize who was in the mirror. This wasn't who I wanted to be, but praying was the only way I knew how to make anything change.

God, help me today! Give me strength to endure the day. I don't want to get up. I don't want to move from these walls and my bed. I feel safe here, nobody can see me and I don't want anyone to see me. I don't know how much I can continue feeling fake.

Walking to the kitchen after getting ready to go to the meeting, Clay had just walked through the back door.

Hey! Did you have another long night at the office? I said with a smile while walking up to him to give him a kiss. As I went for his lips, he turned his head and I caught his cheek. I tried not to let him see me frown.

Yes, I did. I will have another long one tonight, so I won't be making it home tonight. He said as he started to escape my grasp.

What about dinner with your step-sister? She's coming in tonight and will be going back out tomorrow. I need to… Right as I was about to walk behind the kitchen bar he grabbed my arm to turn me around and hit me straight across the face. I couldn't move because he had his hand so tight around my arm that there was no room to resist. I could feel his fingers going into my skin. I knew there would be a bruise.

DON'T ever back talk me again. He said. He turned around and walked towards the dining room.

All I could do was stand there in shock. He had never hit me before. Did I do something wrong? Was that my fault? He had never talked to me like that before. What was I suppose to do? It wasn't right that he hit me but I was always raised on A woman shall leave her parents to be with a man. And A Christian woman will not get divorced. That is sin. What do I do with this? How do I respond to what just happened? And if I caused this reaction, how do I prevent this from happening again?

I walked to the half bath connected to the kitchen. When I looked in the mirror to see my right cheek, it was bruised. It wasn't in a hand print, but anyone who would see it would directly ask what happened and how it happened.

As I walked out of the bathroom, I almost ran into Clay. I backed up a little bit and looked down so I didn't get extra attention. He walked past me towards the back door.

Why are you dressed like that? He asked as he slowly turned his body away from the back door towards me, but still a foot away. When I glanced up, I noticed his eye brows were frowning.

I have my Society meeting this morning to discuss the pool and the park. I said trying to not let him see any fear. I couldn't fear him.

God, please don't let him see my fear. I'm scared that I might do something to make him mad again.

His eyes lightened, as he said, Okay, well, just tell them you fell down on the sidewalk. Have fun! He turned and walked to the back door with a spring in his step as he went out to his car. It was like it never happened. I watched as he pulled out of the drive way. He wants to me lie to them? It wasn't even a second thought to him of what I should do. He just said, do this.

Tears formed in my eyes. I was trying to think if I should go or not. If I don't go and he finds out about it, he might hit me again, and I wouldn't want that. So I reached for my purse on the cabinet and grabbed a sweater out of the backdoor closet and headed to the car.

The Country Club was only three blocks away from our house. I turned the Christian radio up high in the car and tried to sing to it. I wasn't a good singer, but I had to get my mind off of Clay. The song Blessed Be Your Name was on and it was the perfect moment.

When I reached the Country Club main building, I took a deep breath and began to wonder if I made the right choice.

God, Maybe I should just leave? Maybe I shouldn't even be here. I don't want to lie. Clay…

Hey! Rose said. I jumped so far I hit my head on the roof of my car. Are you okay? I didn't mean to, oh my gosh! What happened to your face? She said as she reached in my open window and tried to turn my head by putting her hand under my chin so she could get a better look.

Oh, I fell down the stairs. I said, while rubbing my head trying to get the pain to go away from where I hit it. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized it came out easier than I thought or wanted it to. I frowned my brow as I thought, I lied. I did that without even second guessing if it was right. How could it come out that easy? I was taught not to lie because God would punish you. I wasn't sure at this moment, if I wanted God's punishment or Clay's if I told or didn't tell the truth.

Oh no! Well, lets get you inside and we'll get some ice on that bruise so hopefully it doesn't last long. Did you go to the doctor? She opened my door and lifted my arm to get me out of the car.

When she started to pull, I almost didn't have time to get my purse out with me. She is the busy body of the group so if I tell her something, she will make sure everyone else knows too.

No, I didn't. It's not that bad. I just fell on the ground. I'll be okay. I tried to give a warm smile but it didn't work. I looked in front of me and the door was right there.

Rose looked at me and opened the door and said in a loud voice, Sara's face is bruised, and she said once it was by falling down the stairs and then said the second time it was on the ground, but I think her husband did it, that's just me. She said as she let go of my arm to face me with her arms crossed.

No, that's not what happened. My eyes got big knowing that she had caught my lie. My heart was racing fast, but if I confirmed it and it got back to Clay I would be in so much trouble. I fell down and hurt myself but I'm okay. I'll be fine.

I bet! Beth smirked. We all know that when a woman gets hit they protect the husband because ‘the husband does nothing wrong' She said scoffing.

Now let's get to business. Mary Jo said as she entered the room from a joining room. She hadn't even looked up from her papers to see what the talk was and nobody was about to give her any information. Everyone knew she wouldn't care at all if it had nothing to do with her. Today, Mary Jo was the woman with the information so everyone found their seats so the meeting could begin.

I slipped into the back row and sat down. Nobody got me ice, but it didn't bother me. Mentally, I wasn't in the meeting and I didn't care about any of it. I wanted to be somewhere else. My thoughts wandered to Clay and what I had done to deserve this treatment. God, what did I do?

As soon as the gavel hit the wooden stand and knocked me out of my thoughts, I got up from the back of the room and jetted to my car. I didn't want to listen or hear anything for fear that my lie would be caught and Clay would find out that they knew.

Maybe that's what happens? Do the guys grow up being taught you can hit your wife and the girls grow up thinking guys are great? I should be okay with this?

I watched the women begin to file out of the building as I was sitting in my car. Nobody acknowledged that I was sitting in my car, and I didn't want them to. I watched as they laughed, talked and got into their cars.

Waiting for the car parked in front of mine to pull out of the lot, I started thinking about where I could go so I didn't have to go back to the house yet. I knew the nanny would take care of the kids, so I didn't want to go back yet.

Driving out of the parking lot, I turned opposite of the house and just started to drive. I decided to drive to the lake that was an hour away and I didn't want to stop to eat. I just wanted to get far away.

Once I pulled into the parking lot for the overlook of the lake, I got out and ran to the fence.

GOD! WHAT DID I DO? I yelled to the open sky. I went to my knees on the ground and began to cry. God, I thought I was a good wife. I thought that our marriage was good. I thought everything was… CRASH! I jumped to my feet and looked behind me to see a crew-cab, ugly, yellow truck had run into my van pushing it into a tree. I rolled my head backwards and looked at the sky and said, You've GOT to be kidding me!

CHAPTER II

1 Peter 5:10

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

I'm so, so sorry! A guy came out of the driver side.

Are you drunk? I walked closer as he was swerving all over the grass. Seriously? I wanted to scream in his face. What kind of idiot does this? Is this what I get? To get hit, my van, WHAT ELSE GOD?

Ma'am, are you okay? When I turned to look to see who was behind me, I saw 2 teens that were standing there. It was a boy and a girl.

Why aren't you in school? It's 2pm. I said. The mother was coming out in me.

Umm, well, see… The boy said.

We…were studying some… animals. The girl said looking between him and me.

Right, well, yes I'm fine. But I need to call the cops.

What? You don't need to really do that, do you? The drunk driver asked.

YES! I DO! YOU ARE DRUNK! THESE KIDS ARE SKIPPING SCHOOL AND I'M SICK OF IT ALL! I screamed it at him in anger. I'm sorry. I'm calling the cops and I won't yell at you any more. I said, as I watched him grab his ears in pain from the loudness of my voice.

It took the cops 3 minutes to get there, but once they cops arrived, they found me sitting on the cement with a teen at either side of me, and a man throwing up in the bushes behind us. I stood up off the curb to meet them, but as soon as I stood up, I saw Clay's car right behind the cops. CRAP! I didn't call him, how did he know? Wait, how did he get out here so fast?

Ma'am, what happened? One of the 2 cops asked as they were walking towards us. Clay was stepping out of the car when I started talking, but after the look that he gave me, I knew I had better wait till he got there before I replied.

Well, I said, stalling as he jogged up to me. I came out here to get some air for a minute and I was looking at the over look when this man, I turned and pointed to the man still throwing up in the bushes, ran into my van. I turned around to see him stumbling out and then to turn around and find these teens out here during school hours.

What happened to your face? The cop asked.

Oh, she fell down the stairs this morning. Clay said for me.

And who are you? The cop turned to ask him.

Oh, I'm her husband. He walked a little closer to me and put his arm around my waist as if I were his property.

Were you out here too? The cop asked.

Yes, I was. I had a meeting out here with a client and then my scanner went off and I knew it was my wife's van that had gotten hit.

"Okay, but you weren't here at the scene?

Well, no, but…

Ok. Since you weren't here during this situation, I need the lady to answer my questions, so I need you to walk over there and stand by the car and wait. The cop motioned towards Clay's car where the other officer was at. He watched him walk to the car before he turned to face me again. Ma'am, what happened to your face?

Oh, like my husband said, I fell down the stairs. I replied. The cop had blocked my view from Clay but I could imagine the face he would make if I could see him.

Ma'am is that the truth? I can protect you. He replied.

Yes, that is the truth. I'm fine, but thank you very much for your concern. Fear was bubbling inside of me.

Okay. A tow truck is on the way and, he turned around to find Clay talking to the tow man. Well, it looks like your husband will have all the information about where they are taking your van. He finished off that sentence with sarcasm.

I stood still waiting for Clay to come to me, because there was no way I was going to move. I was so, stiff as Clay walked up to me.

What were you doing out here, hon? He asked in a weird tone. I knew he was putting on a show for the cops because his eyes were raised like they were this morning.

I was just getting some air before I went home. What about…

No, you don't get to ask me that. He whispered to me. I know where they are taking the van, but now we need to go back to the city and find you a different van for right now. Clay turned to walk to his car. I stared at my totaled van. The van I had for 4 years, in my name. It was the first thing that was in my name because Clay wanted me to get some credit to my name. I hung my head as I walked to the car.

Sit and buckle. I'm so mad right now, but I don't want to talk. He said as he still smiled because of the 2 cops who were staring at us.

We rode the whole way without talking. As soon as we got into the dealership lot, Clay said, I'll get the van. You stay here.

God, I, this, ugh!

Clay returned 30 minutes later. He walked up to my car door and opened it and said, The guy is bringing around a new van for you. I just bought it. Take it home, as in GO HOME!

Yup! That's all I could muster up to say to him. I got out of the car and he slammed the door, went to his side, got in and drove off. He just left me there waiting for my new van that came around the corner of the building.

Does the guy even know who I am?

Here is the keys ma'am. I turned around from watching Clay leave to see the driver holding out his hand for me to take the keys from him.

Thank you. I replied. Getting into this new van, I looked around and it was EXACLTY like my old one. It had 180,000 miles on it and it was the same. He didn't get me anything new, he got me something old.

I let the tears flow until I got into the neighborhood of where my house was at. Once I pulled into the neighborhood, I realized that I had been gone most of the day. Oh no! Becky! She should be at the house by now and I'm not even sure I called her to tell her that we wouldn't have the dinner tonight because of Clay. I couldn't have the dinner and her suspect that Clay hit me. She would go nuts about that. She never had much respect for Clay and I have always tried to mend that fence for him.

Reaching the house, I watched the cab leave and the nanny was letting Becky in the house. I parked in the car port trying to figure out what to do and what to say before I walked in and