Fireflies at Twilight: Letters of Pat Adams

By Pat Adams, Cate Adams and Carole Milks Turner

"Waiting for Pat was like waiting for the music to start," write the editors of Fireflies at Twilight: Letters from Pat Adams. A true Aquarian-age woman, Pat was equally comfortable swinging a hammer on a building crew, gardening at home, or working as a public school teacher's aide for children with autism and other special needs. Pat lived the last 15 years of her life with cancer and its repercussions. However, Pat was more annoyed and irritated by cancer than ever stopped or labeled by the disease. Pat writes letters, emails, and journal entries to her mother, husband, children, and her many relatives and friends, and highlights her daily life on a southern Wisconsin farm, her appreciation of the natural world, and her courage and vivacity to live fully each day. The reader will soon think of Pat as a close friend, and come to know her as wry, honest, caring, and sometimes poetic. To her mom, Pat writes: "I'm outside... enjoyed the golden minutes of the evening, when the sun lights everything. Now is the blue time - would we call it twilight." In an unsent letter to a long lost friend, Pat talks about being a young mother. "Beyond the next meal, laundry load, dishpan, lies my future." In a letter to a close friend, Pat writes: "I mostly mother and hope for the best." Before her first surgery, she writes to her husband, "Remember that I was pretty tolerant of people's faults but spared not that blatant stupidity." And in the same letter, Pat admits: "I fell in love with you, at first recklessly, then - over and over again." Her writings include her quiet thoughts during winter hibernations in a drafty farmhouse, a raw intimate love letter to her husband before her first surgery; her frank yet kind advice to her daughters about employment and empowerment; a description of a winter outing to a nearby bison farm; summer observances of turtles and loons in Upper Peninsula, Michigan; and her lively commentary about her beloved Book Babes group. Pat's story is not as much about the art of dying as it is about the art of living in the present, with messages of humor and hope in how the human spirit remains undaunted.

• Language: English
• Publisher: First Person Productions
• Release date: Nov 3, 2014
• ISBN: 9780984727681

Book preview

Marinell

Introduction

Sometimes I feel as if I were in a cocoon, waiting to emerge and fly.

– Pat

In Pat’s Own Words …

My favorite clematis and morning glories on my front porch, me in my hammock, what could be sweeter?

Email

From: Patricia Adams

To: Debbi Ranum Maher

Date: Sat, Feb 19, 2011 at 6:38 AM

Subject: Hello again, after all these years

Dear Debbi,

I went to your website, got your email. So good to get your letter. I probably will write you a proper letter soon; I do love to do the real thing, ’tho I have fallen in love w/email since being gifted w/my laptop and year of free Internet by my wonderful friends.

Like you, I have been an avid reader all my life, still cannot live w/ out a book. All 4 of my kids and my husband also read a lot. Like you, I write. …

I had been writing small essays in my head for years. Finally, a friend got me a black and white composition book, which I began to carry. Wrote in pencil, post-it notes stuck to pages. Still have lots of notes, which I am trying to turn into little writings. So far, 4 are finished. Now it has become somewhat of an urgency to get them down …

I live on a farm in the far SW corner of Dane County w/ second husband Terry. The farm belongs to his parents, who live 2 miles away. … We live in an old house on the actual farm. Terry quit milking 40 cows a few years ago; now raises heifers, they have calves, he milks the cows for a month, sells them, raises the calves. He also sells hay, plants some corn for the livestock. He says he is semi-retired, but still works hard. He does have more time, though, to be around the house. He does a wonderful job taking care of me when I need it.

We have raised 4 wonderful children: Sam and Cate [from a previous marriage to Mike Adams], Daniel and Norah [with husband Terry Jelle]. The last 2 are twins, a surprise found out 6 weeks before they arrived. All are grown up and gone on their paths of life. All are doing well, are close to one another and to us, for which I am grateful. They are here every chance they can get.

Norah, having graduated in Art (painting is her talent) has graced us with our first grandbaby, Isabelle. What a wonderful thing it is, to be a grandparent! She and Norah spent a month w/us in December – January. Isabelle celebrated her first birthday here on Jan. 5th. Norah, Ben, and baby recently were here for a week. They live in Marquette, MI – both went to college there. Cate graduated from nursing school in April, finally got a job as a nurse at Dane County Jail. She did want a hospital, but they all want a year of experience. She is an excellent caregiver, and the rock of our family. Sam lives in Shorewood/Milwaukee w/fiancée Lindsay. They will be married 20 August. Ben and Norah plan a wedding … Daniel works at New Glarus Brewery in the microbiology lab. He and Cate live next door to each other in downtown Madison.

I was diagnosed w/cervical cancer 15 years ago, had radiation which left a tiny piece of the cancer. Next was a huge surgery, leaving me w/a continent urostomy and colostomy. I went back to work for 10 more years before retiring on disability 3 years ago. In 2009, I developed a fistula (hole) in my small bowel, had more surgery to correct that.

Last November, we found out that the cancer was back, this time in some lymph nodes. I was given months, maybe a year.

I was just at the acceptance of that, making my list of want-to-do, places to see. Another fistula, same location. No fixing possible this time, as radiation made a mess of tissue and bones. I was scheduled for a small surgery solely for my comfort and to ease the leakage that happened every time I ate or drank. I had pre-op blood tests, which indicated that I am in kidney failure.

My maybe a year became maybe a month. What a shock – even now, I find it difficult to believe that I could be gone soon. That was about one month ago; a subsequent blood test showed all my numbers going down rather than up as is expected in progression of kidney failure. Coupled w/the fact that I feel pretty good, I have hope that I may be here a bit longer than I thought. One never knows. I am in hospice, my nurse comes 2x/week to give me IV hydration and anything else I need. I will say that hospice is a wondrous thing.

I have taken care of all my business now, so can just enjoy myself, do what I want. I am in the process of writing my obituary, and intend to make it a good piece. I eat what I want, what I can eat, spend a lot of time on the commode. I have turned the bathroom into my little office. My two cats often join me in the warmest room in the house. One thing that causes me trouble is chocolate – that is a heartbreaker!

I am comforted and uplifted by the company of my family and friends. I am mostly a happy woman, feeling lucky for each day I am here. Wishing for an early spring, warm weather, a chance to garden again. We have put in larger vegetable plots since Terry is not so busy, and I have always grown flowers. My favorite clematis and morning glories on my front porch, me in my hammock, what could be sweeter?

I have gone on so long; your eyes must be weary. Know that I am happy to have contact w/you again. Please, email again if you wish.

Your old new friend,

Patsy

In Cate’s Own Words …

Letter

2010

Gardening is a way of showing you believe in tomorrow.

– Unknown

Mama,

Please no worries about your fatigue and my visit. I had a great time at your house as always and I truly enjoy helping you. It makes me feel good to know you have less to do and think about. Don’t get down about your low energy days; they are expected. Take as many nests and heats as you need. I had such fun being there, sunshine and kitties and the Girl [Niña, the dog]. We made two great pies. Dan was very impressed. We are headed into a fabulous summer and we will have such fun. Rest yourself now and play with me later.

I love you so much Mommy and, if I could, I would erase all your pain and your stupid cancer. But it doesn’t work that way and we will continue to do the best we can. I am so proud of you and admire you for the things you have pulled through with very little complaint. I don’t think many would have it in them.

You are so smart, fun, and beautiful, Mom, don’t forget what a great person you are. Never look at yourself as a sick person. It has taken much of your time and energy. But remember who you really are. A wonderful mother and now grandmother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend to so many, a gardener, writer, cook, a reader, and an activist. I know it is easy to lose who you are when your focus is on your health, but don’t. You are so much more.

Love,

Cate

I’m outside … enjoyed the golden minutes of the evening, when the sun lights everything. Now it is the blue time – would we call it twilight?

– Pat

Lucile Sarow, Pat’s mother

For all that you are – the best mother I could ask for.

– Pat

My mother has lots of energy but her body is almost 90 years here. If I were in great health, I’d desire to live that long, just to see how wise I’d become.

– Pat

Letter

Undated

Dear Mom,

I want to tell you the thoughts I had whilst driving home on Monday. I will try to put into words the feelings that came to me. I can only draw from my own experience; I’m not telling you that this is you.

The awful, scary part is the loss, or lack of, control over oneself. When there is a growth in an otherwise feeling-good body, it is so frustrating to feel the loss of control over events. Things seem to proceed out of our hands, to race along on their own, with our time now dictated by appointments with health care professionals who see our problem more than they see us. We are the ones without knowledge and so we feel we must trust others to do what is needed. I hated the feeling of being swept along (it seemed) so quickly once I was in the medical arms. There were no choices, seemed no chance to stop and think. Now I feel that nothing was so urgent that I could not have talked to more people, or at least talked more to Dr. Ellen, about the outcome, etc. of all that – surgery. Invasive procedure into one’s body is very scary. You must get all these opinions, of course …

I love you,

Pats

Mother’s Day Card

Undated

Mom,

For all that you are – the best mother I could ask for.

I feel very lucky to have you as a mother.

Always a feeling of wellbeing as I grew up.

Always helping me out in many different ways. Always your love and caring.

I love you so much.

Thank you.

Pats

Postcard

Sent from Upper Peninsula, Michigan

Black Bear Mother and Cubs

29 June 2000

Dear Mom,

We are having a great time. Karen arrived yesterday. We are enjoying good weather and the gorgeous lake and sunsets each night (at 11:30!). Norah and I saw a bear cub, what a thrill! Of course, we collect a few rocks, too.

Love,

Pats and Norah

Letter

3 February 2001, 7 a.m.

Dear Mom,

I just returned from taking my baby boy to Belleville to ride bus to Belmont for the conference-wrestling tourney. It will go all day …

The DNR man came down and wrapped the corncrib against deer forage, also gave a plastic pistol which fires a loud noise and fireworks-type explosion to scare them away. People say the deer are starving because of the frozen deep snow and high population; ours look pretty plump. I’d rather have people kill more deer than leave them to starve. I saw several near the house when I was out this a.m. They are also eating pine trees and digging in snow for food. I’m thinking we need a dog again to keep critters away. I think we have an opossum in the garage!

… Cate brought home a stethoscope and blood pressure cuff to practice on us. She likes her class. She went to Red Cross and donated blood too.

It was very cold weather yesterday – of course it was my recess duty. We did not go out but all kids played in the gym. It was chaos. I felt lucky to have escaped being beaned with a basketball!

It snowed a bit last night – maybe more today. I like it, looks pretty all white.

Mark your calendar for April 28, 7 p.m., for Norah’s dance recital. They have begun practicing their steps for the dance. Soon I’ll have to wake her to go to work.

Terry still has bad cough and other flu symptoms. I’m better than he. But I rest lots more.

Take care.

Love,

Pats

Card

Kitten

9 February 2001

Dear Mom,

I came home one day and spied seven male cardinals in a tree next to the corncrib. They flew back and forth, pecking at corn through the slats. I sat and watched for a while and felt lucky to see such a sight. I hear more birds now – maybe some have come north. I am enjoying the increased daylight; seems like more each day. Well, it is!

We’ll talk soon.

Love,

Pats

Postcard

Sent from Upper Peninsula, Michigan

Photo of Happy Valley Copper Mills in 1880

July 2001

Mom – you need a nice photo card. A beautiful sunny day near 60 degrees. The kids have been great company. We all wish we could stay. Copper Harbor fireworks last night were the best I’ve