Looking In

By Deanna Breen-Ball

Looking In is an intriguing twisting story about the frailty of a struggling marriage and the evolution of a new found companion.

Susan has been sinking into complacency for many years, but when she decides to start making changes in her life, she feels like she is being watched. First fear consumes her, and then intrigue compels her. Confident in her skills as an ex-soldier, she thinks she can protect herself from her stalker. She warns her husband Jerry about what has been going on but he dismisses her concern for paranoia. She is on a mission to find out who is watching her, and perhaps stalking her. During her quest to find her stalker, she befriends a homeless man that turns out to be more-than-meets-the-eye. The research into the homeless man’s last name turns up numerous possibilities but one seems to stand out, a technology company with ties to the government. While she focuses her time and energy on helping him, her marriage plummets further. Susan wonders if her marriage is going to survive or even if she wants it to.

Susan’s curiosity is piqued during her research and after she gets hired on to Johnson Tech she finds some alarming information. You never know who can see you, or how they can see you; just know you’re always being watched.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: May 4, 2012
• ISBN: 9781620958940

Book preview

One: Another Move

The small town of Baytown, Texas had been the family’s home for four years when the military decided Sergeant First Class Jerry Matthews should relocate to a new duty station. His wife Susan was anxious; she had grown fond of the small community and the friends she had made in Texas, but she longed to be back in her home state. Jerry was grateful for the sacrifices Susan had made as a spouse and knew she missed the weather and cultured life style in southern California, and so the normal moving fuss they’d both learned to live with wouldn’t be present this time. As they talked about it over beer and a glass of red wine, both expressed the sentiment that the move seemed like it might be a miracle cure for their problems.

Given Jerry’s years of service, this could be the family’s final move. Susan was ready to get moved, get settled, and start a regular domestic routine. She planned on being homeroom mom at the girls’ school, and reconnecting with old friends. She’d always managed to make friends and adjust to each new location but she was getting older, and each move had become more difficult. They found a house in Lake Elsinore, the city they had chosen for retirement. Their lives revolved around his job, which Susan could live with, but the relationship had seen its strains from the uncertainty of the service and the many moves they had endured. It was after he returned from a deployment in Iraq, they decided that he should become a recruiter, and they got their wish. The idea was that Jerry would have more time at home and they could attempt a normal life, but sadly, Susan saw him even less. The hours of a recruiter were grueling and the stress that soldiers were subjected to was intense. It was an all-volunteer army and Jerry had to be pretty persuasive. The light at the end of the tunnel was retirement. The glimmer of that light that Susan saw in California was dazzling, as far as she was concerned. Was it possible that they would actually be settled in one place for longer than two years?

After a month of unpacking a house full of boxes, Susan realized they’d gotten off to a bad start. Life had somehow quickly become the same-old-same-old. She was once again absorbed in creating a perfect household; it was her job. She had to put everything in just the right place while keeping the kids happy. Meghan and Kerrie were always affected by the moves, no matter how hard they would try to see the bright side. They weren’t as happy about the prospect of California; they had developed a stronger bond with friends than either Jerry or Susan had realized. He could go to work and not think about it, but the girls’ ongoing upset put a great emotional strain on Susan’s shoulders, She had to put on her happy face, make sure the family was content and situated, and act like they were going into the very best years of their lives. It wasn’t hard to pretend; she had become exceptionally good at making every move seem effortless and – no matter how hard it might be – making their lives look flawless to an outside observer.

With Susan’s full schedule of caring for the kids and getting the house situated, there hadn’t had much time to reconnect with family and friends. Feeling the stresses of the move, when everyone was in bed and the house was quiet, Susan resumed a late night habit she’d picked up years ago - snacking and a bottle of wine. Crackers, cheese, and a couple of glasses comforted her during times of change and difficulty and now difficulty seemed to have moved with them from Texas. But her cure was effective. The wine and food helped to make her evenings content and fulfilling. She didn’t have to worry about anyone else after 10 p.m. but, to her discontent, she had to admit the late night feasts and spirits had caused her to put on some weight; aged even, she thought, as she studied herself in a hallway mirror. The reflection was jarring, not what she wanted to see. She had another glass of merlot and stood by the sliding door in the kitchen, looking out into the night. The view seemed slightly blurred, but tonight that was just fine.

She met Jerry in Germany. She had been stationed there for a year when he arrived on the base. She enjoyed the challenge and thrill of being a soldier, and it seemed to amuse Jerry to no end that she was an army mechanic. Her job got them talking, and they realized they had a lot in common. Jerry was eight years younger and although that was a considerable age gap, she liked that he was more fun and had more energy than any men her own age. Their relationship had blossomed so quickly. Sometimes when she’d had a little too much wine, it was hard to remember the sentimental details.

After a year of marriage, Susan was stunned to find herself pregnant with their second child. She decided it was time to give up her military career and put the family first. She’d served in the army for five years; it was a perplexing choice. She felt she had found her niche being in the army, but once Kerrie arrived she put down her tools and got rid of her uniform, hoping she would do just as well being a stay-at-home mom.

As the years passed and the bills mounted, she repeatedly felt a need to attempt to get back into the workforce. When the kids were in school, there was only so much housework, cooking, and crafts to fill her day. In Texas she became a constant fixture being a room mom, and then eventually began work as a school aide. Being with the kids at school all day was comforting; it seemed to ease the idea she had that being away from the girls was upsetting to the flow of the family.

As soon as they were settled in Lake Elsinore, Susan started the paper work to become an aide at the girl’s new school. It was a paying job but for some reason she was not looking forward to it. It was a miniscule paycheck. Being close to her children was the only consolation, but she was realizing that, although it was a pleasure to work with children, she had never aspired to be an educator. Her true dream had been to finish college and eventually open her own business. Maybe coming back home had stirred up thoughts of the path not taken when she was younger. She wondered if she could finally get her degree, now that they were more settled? It had been a struggle to acquire her two-year degree; it took her nearly four years to complete. Given what she’d been through with that, she knew it would be next to impossible to both manage the family and get her bachelor’s degree.

Jerry had already been set up in his office, 40 miles east in Mission Viejo. He had to drive over the Ortega Highway through the Cleveland National Forest to get to work. It was a better alternative than the 91 freeway, which was often more congested than a mall parking lot during Christmas time. He didn’t mind the drive through the beautiful countryside. The landscape was a pleasant mix of desert and indigenous trees with the occasional campsite and creek peeking out from the sides of the hills. The road was winding and unsafe, with uncertainty around each turn, but Jerry loved danger and the rush of the chaotic tension he sometimes felt during his rollercoaster ride to work.

Susan did mind the long daily commute. It meant more time away from the house and, having taken the route with him, she worried every time he left the driveway. Jerry worked an average of 10 hours a day, so when the travel time was added in, there was very little time left for family.

The new house was just over 2000 square feet, a modest four-bedroom home with a two–car garage. The downstairs décor had a Spanish motif with tiled floors wall to wall in each room. The upstairs had more of an east coast nautical look, with a beautiful view out of every window. They’d owned a home at their last duty station, but couldn’t sell it due the failing housing market. They rented it out and purchased the new house. Since they were a middle class family, the ability to acquire homes and still remain above water was a comfort to Susan. It was one of the strengths in their relationship. She felt that owning a few properties might have to be her financial cushion if anything ever happened to Jerry. An accident was entirely possible. She didn’t worry about his job, but his new hobby of skydiving scared her to death. He was a thrill-seeking daredevil. She knew it would be impossible to talk him out of it, even if she pointed out how costly it was and how they would have to take another dip into their savings to support his habit. But then, she was tired of worrying about him. She’d worried every time he had been deployed and now she had to worry every time he left the house. The man seemed – or maybe just believed – that he was invincible. Weren’t boys supposed to grow out of that stage?

He had been riding motorcycles for a few years, but that cost was feasible. Skydiving was costing about a thousand dollars extra a month. Susan tried not to complain about how Jerry spent his money, because he repeatedly let her know how hard he worked to earn it. After his third skydive in two weeks, though, she cautioned that his play choices might be too unsafe for a father of two, and costly enough that one day credit collectors might come knocking at their door. Sadly, he dismissed her ideas out of hand.

Susan wondered why she and Jerry were so different. She was always so conscious about their future and safety. He lived for the moment and always on the edge. She had a strong desire to do something exciting with her life but she always came back to how it would affect the family. She’d considered getting a job away from the school, but was afraid she would be unable to fit her work schedule into their daily lives. Childcare would cost at least half of what she would make, so to her it wasn’t worth the sacrifice. The one thing she knew she could do without causing any disruption was to get back into shape. It was a doable fix and the idea of it got her blood racing. She began to realize how much she missed the early morning workouts the army had insisted upon. She’d looked great and felt great back then, too.

So she began, but it was quite a struggle. Without the army forcing her to wake up early and brave the elements, she had to search deep within herself to hit the pavement. Wasn’t this supposed to be sunny southern California? The weather was cold and inconsistent, and after the first morning attempt she knew it would be harder than ever to give up the late night booze and snacks. When she’d been younger, it was easy to recover from a weekend of partying. All she had to do was add an extra two-mile run and she’d be back on target. Now she had the dreaded muffin top and the onset of saddlebag thighs to contend with. Susan knew she had her work cut out for her; she just needed to find the discipline to follow through.

She changed her routine, starting with a fast-paced walk each evening. She would get in at least two miles through her neighborhood while the girls stayed in and watched television or did homework. Being a creature of habit, her walks almost always started at 5:50 p.m. On the first evening out, she began to marvel at the beauty of her surroundings. Their housing development was well-manicured but just on the other side of the wall was an intermittently steady flow of traffic on a large boulevard, with a bit of foot traffic and the occasional vagrant or prostitute. That was one thing Susan realized that hadn’t changed from her youth in the area. The weather was beautiful, and the lives of the homeless flourished in comparison to those in other areas.

Across the busy street, directly behind her house, was a thrift store that resembled a huge circus tent. After studying it a few times, her curiosity got the better of her, so one day – the first day her mother had been able to visit in a couple of weeks – Susan and her mom decided to venture over to the store to investigate. They learned the facility was operated by a Christian-based program that helped disadvantaged locals work toward getting back on the path of a better life. The older gentleman that helped Susan told her that many people completed the program but quite a few couldn’t seem to stay on course, and would go back to drugs and thieving.

Well, at least that man looked like he recovered, her mother said as they walked into the parking lot.

Susan smiled; her mother had always been optimistic, and seemed to never have a problem maintaining her weight. Yeah, I guess I should feel good about that place, she said as she started the SUV, but I feel the complete opposite.

Oh, you’re over-thinking this sweetie. What they do sounds legitimate and acceptable.

Sure, but how about the ones that go back to drugs and thieving? The place is right behind the house, Mom. When I heard that, I started thinking about the girls’ and my safety. Jerry usually comes home so late.

I thought this move was supposed to keep Jerry home more? her mother said, and they were both quiet all the way home.

It wasn’t long before she forgot the alarming thoughts. One day while driving the girls to school, she realized that if thieves were going to intrude at any nearby home, surely it would be one of the large ranch-style houses along the main road. Those homes were on horse property against the backdrop of a peaceful low elevation mountain. Eucalyptus trees towered along the boulevard, creating abundant shade, with palm trees here and there adding to the coastal California ambience. The more she looked over the landscape, the more she realized it wasn’t exactly conducive to thieves that might need to hide. Suddenly, she was absorbed with the comforting feeling of how pleasant it was to be back in this lovely rural area of Southern California.

A week had passed, with Susan walking every night. She felt like she was getting in better shape, but she didn’t want to try to fool herself. Still, the weather was getting better and the early evening walks always helped to put her in a better place emotionally. The air smelled of night-blooming jasmine and orange blossoms. She particularly enjoyed walking past the dog walk area. It was lined with a strong iron fence and hedged densely with local trees and shrubs. There were two cement picnic tables on each side of the grassy area and the streetlight was strategically placed to appear non-intrusive; during the evening it suffused the area with a beautiful soft yellow glow.

There was a cool, dry breeze daily, but it had started getting warmer. With the temperature change, she decided to start walking later in the afternoon. She had been walking longer each day, enjoying the call of the birds and the smells in the air. Often, she would walk until twilight. The darkness seemed comforting as it approached. Occasionally as the sun went down behind the mountain, she stood motionless, watching the first evening star appear. The sky changed from amber to pale blue, then deepened into the most amazing sapphire. She’d been thrilled at these beautiful twilights; they helped to spark the energy she needed to get back into shape.

Weekend walks were even more exceptional. She made sure to get out twice a day. During her morning jaunt, she often heard the sounds of boaters speeding across the lake nearby. The sound of the powerful engines reminded her of family vacation and times playing in the clear frigid water at the Colorado River. Sometimes, she heard the sporadic flyby of waterfowl, or the random howl of a local peacock. On Saturdays, the air smelled of fresh cut lawns and, as she passed by a row of rosemary bushes, she would often swipe a sprig to inhale its pun-gent aroma. She had finally eased into her new way of life and she was now doing something for herself. Anyone who watched her on those walks could see the contented look on her face.

Then one morning, her reverie was suddenly broken as she heard a stirring in some nearby hedges. She gasped aloud and watched intently, but saw nothing move, heard nothing more. She had flashing thoughts of wild animals, and then the old fear she’d had after the thrift store. Was she letting her imagination get the best of her, or could there be some stoned-out vagrant out there, taking up residency in the tree line? She turned suddenly and walked away quickly, not wanting to wait and find out. And then after a few steps, she began to run.

Two: Mysterious Notes

Susan had been alternating between walking and running for almost a month. She was working a half-day schedule at the kids’ school. The emotional distance between her and Jerry had grown; she realized one day that the days when she ran were the ones in which they communicated the least. Even the sarcasm had disappeared. They had been married for over 13 years and from time to time would have a spurt of troubles, but it seemed to be taking longer to get over this one. They both had a definite understanding of responsibilities but neither shirked them. It was odd, as though life was painted in shades of gray. They didn’t dislike each other; each just stopped being concerned about what the other had going on in life.

The couple had seen too many friends divorce since they had been married; it was wearying, watching both service members and civilians become unable to hold onto marital status. Susan knew the only reason they’d made it this far was because they were both too stubborn to give up. Were they coming up to the time to throw in the towel? Susan put away the thought, not wanting to contemplate it any more. She could let the problem run its course, just as it always had throughout the relationship. If any rash decision was going to be made, she wasn’t going to be the one to do it.

It was time for her Wednesday night walk. Like clockwork, there was the big white church bus loading up all the men who were trying to reform themselves. She’d learned about them at the thrift store; they were people who fell on bad circumstances, fought back from drugs, and reached out for help. Susan never noticed anyone in particular; just that it was a large group. She hoped all the men decided to keep their lives clean. She didn’t know much about them and didn’t want to find out, but she was glad they were getting some assistance in their lives. She hoped they were, anyway.

As she strolled down toward the dog walk something caught her attention. It was a sort of pile of pebbles and mulch. Then when she got closer, she noticed that pile actually spelled something. Hi was written out on the sidewalk. Susan looked around and figured it was probably something the neighborhood children had done, practicing writing words. She thought nothing of it and continued with her exercise routine. As she walked, though, she wondered – why wouldn’t kids just get some chalk and write the words? It was odd.

She’d forgotten about it when, a couple days later, she came upon another pile of pebbles and mulch. This time the word, Hello, was spelled out. She smiled. How cute of the kids to continue using their imagination this way. Now she thought, Why write something in chalk? People would just walk over and smudge it. They’d walk around something spelled out in pebbles and things, though, just as she’d done.

The next day, a cloud cover arrived and for the rest of the week record amounts of rain fell. Susan hated missing her evening workout but appreciated the break in her routine because she was able to catch up on neglected housework.

By Monday of the next week, the weather had cleared. Susan forced herself to restart the walks, and though the effort was hit-and-miss at first, by week two she was walking daily. When she came across another pebble-written Hello, she dismissed it, but on Friday evening, a