The Fat Adventures of Baron Meowhausen: Book 1: The Baking of a Chef

By Ken Temple

Claiming to have had a unique peek into the feline psyche, the narrator seeks to explain the wilful laziness and other mysterious customs and habits of cats: a long time ago, Baron von Meowhausen came to visit the cats of Earth from the realm of Animus to teach the Earthlings the importance of abundant eating and energy conservation. He had been to the future of Earth’s felines and came to warn his malnourished, hyperactive brothers and sisters that if they do not revert to lazy, feline ways, their race will be dominated and ruled by rodents centuries ahead. To illustrate and educate, Meowhausen recounts some of his adventures, while stuffing his face with every comestible item on hand.

Though not inappropriate in any way, this is not a book written specifically for children, rather for adults who still have vivid memories of their childhoods. and have not let age sap their imagination.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ken Temple
• Release date: Sep 10, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310167980

Ken Temple

Born behind the ‘Iron Curtain’ USSR and having lived in Africa, Eastern and Western Europe, Ken has observed and learned from a rich bouquet of unique cultures.Ken has close to twenty years’ experience working as a business and travel wordsmith (writer and editor) under his belt. Alas! Fact-recounting, however droll, is an unworthy substitute for the high adventure of creative writing. Ever since the creation of Animus in 2009-2010, Ken has enjoyed writing about the heroic exploits of chivalrous personages such as Tigerius and Meowhausen, as well as weaving stories about comical and melodramatic characters.Ken’s other interests include martial arts, chess, poetry, composition of song lyrics, calligraphy, Japanese language and Japanese culture of the Samurai era.

Book preview

The Fat Adventures of Baron Meowhausen

An Account of Impossibleish Quests

By Ken Temple

Illustrations by Anja Coppieters

Copyright 2014, Ken Temple

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favourite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of the authors.

For Vera, Veronica and Anja--the three most-exceptional ladies I have met in my life. You inspired me to live and create. You gave me hope when others abandoned me. You are my Guardian Angels. My heart is, as ever—yours.

—Ken

Map of Animus

Contents

Prologue: The Kooky Scribe

Chapter 1: The Wizard of Pooz

Chapter 2: Fatness One-oh-One

Chapter 3: The Short Fat Tales from Animus

Chapter 4: Bold Boxford Boy

Chapter 5: The Tongue-Food Grubmaster

Chapter 6: Cute-Fu Level 11

Chapter 7: Nyam I AM

Chapter 8: To Catch a Pie

Chapter 9: Know Thy Taste

Chapter 10: Grumbo’s Way

Chapter 11: Pity Party

Chapter 12: Put Up Your Dooks

Chapter 13: H.W.P.O.

Chapter 14: A Sticky Situation

Chapter 15: Meowhausen’s Chewtelage Begins

Chapter 16: Epilogue

Prologue: The Kooky Scribe

I grew up living on a farm,

With many animals around.

Poultry and bovines led dull lives,

As stolid, as their rheum-rimmed eyes.

But one species did not seem ‘owned’.

They slept all day and at night roamed.

Far less productive than the others,

Yet better fed and with love smothered.

Cats are as beautiful, as they are private,

A riddle of fur I couldn’t solve yet.

Gloriously aloof, shrouded in mystery,

I just HAD to learn their ways and history.

So…

As a boy I learned to hiss and purr.

I often scampered on all fours.

It took steel nerves and dedication,

To earn the trust of the feline nation.

In the name of science I grew fat and lazy,

My friends just laughed and called me crazy!

Now I barely ever stand up straight,

Sleep beneath my bed, pee in a sand crate…

I made a tail out of old mops,

And tied it to my butt with ropes.

My barber in wonderment would stare,

As after a haircut, I’d eat my hair!

I became adept at catching mice,

And raw rat tasted rather nice,

Though (in confidence) I’ll have you know:

Licking myself clean—rather less so.

Eventually, I learned cat language,

Paid for by a daily tuna sandwich,

To a fat, old tomcat, named Muffini,

A distant cousin of the Great Pussini.

He claimed "Culture evolves from hiss-tory,

Which must be logged in memm-ory."

But no one knew how cats kept records,

Until I cracked their engraving method.

Truly, the kitties love to write.

And they do it, too, in our plain sight.

Many of their ‘secrets’ are plain to see,

If patient we would only be.

They have returned to Earth from a faraway place,

Where both science and magic the races embrace.

Where the laws of the world are not dictated by Man,

And every beast, big and small can live as best as it can.

On Earth, cats play dumb and don’t do as they are told,

They don’t play ‘fetch’ or groceries hold.

But many of humanity’s greatest strides,

Are the secret legacy of our feline guides.

Did you know that cats taught Man to write—

To mark down sounds on sheets of white?

If you think you are being misinformed,

Check out the ancient Cuneiform.

Returning to Earth, cats were amazing.

Brimming with knowledge and not at all lazy.

Man’s science at the time was nascent,

Alas! Free food and worship made cats complacent.

If only they were not so sleepy,

They would still rule the human species.

But they have been there and done that:

For ancient Egypt worshipped Cat.

Though world-domination has had its day

And cats no longer lean that way,

They keep up records just in case,

They again wish to rule the human race.

Each cat—free-born, street-bred or pet,

Keeps records of pranks played and not played... yet.

On trees, wallpaper and on doors,

Diaries are scratched by avid paws.

Human writings are just a Scratchings’ spoof.

Read an Akkadian scroll and you will find the proof!

Forget what you know, set your logic apart,

Listen not with your ears, but with your open heart.

Anyway, my character is but an incidental.

Call me puerile or even mental.

Say what you will about my ‘mental healf’,

When the tale is told, you may decide for yourself...

Chapter 1: The Wizard of Pooz*

*Poozestan

Have you ever wondered why a cat’s walk is quiet?

Or why cats never go on diet?

Why in dreamland they spend more time,

Than on every other thing combined?

The reason why cats live such wise,

Carefree and pleasure-filled nine lives,

Is that they know the tales of ‘Big M’,

Purred by moms to kittens, time and again.

I will recount the saga of the ‘Wizard of Pooz’,

As a cat tells her kittens, washing them, as they snooze.

Somewhere, deep in Time, sails a Feline Dine Lord,

Who has, at some point, every kitchen explored.

Though he may not cast magic, or conjure up spells,

He certainly IS super-feline in refined-food tastes and smells.

For months he had travelled without any rest,

Exploring far-away towns, with adventure obsessed.

Excitement he found and opponents galore,

But the sun and the wind made his fuzzy head sore.

He hated time ‘wasted’ on monotonous travel,

And having soft paws chipped by nasty, sharp gravel,

Like a mule being with luggage saddled,

Exhausted, famished and bedraggled.