Guide for Dumb Crooks

By Ken Gilleo

Here's a collection of 100 case histories featuring dim-witted criminal activity accumulated from several years of research. The dumbest crooks that could be found from around the world star in their inexplicable roles. Most are from the USA, however, and many are from Florida, the home of some of the very dumbest. No, it's not just the heat! Each case starts with an introduction of the town, city or region where the caper took place and often provides unusual facts that may help explain the riotous criminal activity. Every case is illustrated with some form of graphics, either by the author or as "mug shots" of the silly perpetrators provided by the arresting authorities. Our inept crooks and other lawbreakers are generously supplied with guidelines set in a humorous style to help them pinpoint their more egregious errors. Titles, accounts and "rules" are written in an entertaining format while still preserving accuracy for each of the one-hundred accounts. We hope you will enjoy these classic cases where smart cops and dumb crooks attempt to match wits in decidedly uneven contests. And yes, these accounts are all true no matter how incredulous. Stupidity knows no bounds. 100% of the author's proceeds will be donated to the Florida Sheriff's Association (FSA) whose programs help reduce the number of dumb crooks in a beneficial way.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ken Gilleo
• Release date: Sep 2, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311713247

Ken Gilleo

Dr. Ken Gilleo is a retired materials scientist from the electronics industry with a PhD from the University of Connecticut. He developed materials and processes for the printed circuit and semiconductor industries in a career spanning several decades. Dr. Gilleo has authored 9 books and over 500 technical papers. After leaving electronics, he was an expert witness in Federal Courts and the International Trade Commission (ITC) for over a dozen years in litigation involving theft of trade secrets, patent infringement and other intellectual property areas. Now retired, he is a volunteer at the Port Orange Police Department - VIPS - Volunteer in Police Services and also a Special Projects volunteer for the Volusia County Sheriff's Office.

Book preview

Guide for Dumb Crooks

Copyright 2014 Kenneth Gilleo

Published by Kenneth Gilleo at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

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Table of Contents

Preface

Dedication

About the author

Other books by this author

1 Case of the Skin Deep Confessions

2 The Telling Teller and the I-risk of i-Bragging

3 A Real Basket Case

4 Crook Stubs Big Tow in Florida

5 Case of the Over Charging Robber

6 Case of the Over-weight Suitcase – a Shut and Opened Case

7 A Clean Get-a-Way?

8 Don’t Pepper the Cops

9 Getting the Dough but Left Holding the Bag

10 The Idea That Just Kept On Growing

11 Being a Queen on Camera can be a Drag

12 The Great Cheesecake Bandit Capture

13 Texting Can Leave You Holding the Bag

14 Case of the Porno Phone Exposure

15 OnStar is Here to Help or StopU2

16 The Crappy Carpet Caper

17 Honey, I Blew Up my Sex Mate

18 Try Sticking Up a Bank with a Checkbook

19 Cabby Bags Bag-toting Bumblers

20 Not a Laughing Matter

21 Don‘t Throw in the Towel

22 Don’t Bank on an Old Getaway Car

23 Ice Heist Screamers

24 Look Ma, No Prints

25 Meeting Your Match

26 The Case of Michigan’s Flying Gator

27 Banana Splits with Gorilla

28 High for Pills?

29 Don’t Rob Metals from a Guy with Mettle

30 Cops Can Help You Even if You’re Dopey

31 Smart Enough to Outsmart Himself

32 The Digital Bloodhound

33 Honk for Tickets

34 You Have the Right to Remain Silent

35 Be On the Lookout

36 Video Justice

37 The Vanity Bandit

38 Pull Over, Not Run Over

39 This Here Ain’t No Motocross

40 If it isn’t One Thing, it’s Another and Another

41 Bungling Burglar Left Hanging

42 Know When to Pit and When to Cross the Line

43 Don’t Play Games with an Professional Gamer

44 Let’s Play Password

45 Can You Outrun a GPS Tracker, a Chopper and K-9s?

46 Videographer Becomes Video Hit with the Judge

47 Catch Me if You Can

48 Case of the Copycat Taunter?

49 Smile for the Live Cameras you’re Stealing

50 We Dig this Video

51 Nice Bracelet

52 Batman Made Me Do It

53 A History Lesson for Counterfeiters

54 Don’t Shoot Yourself in the Foot - Period

55 Be Careful How You Stay Cool

56 Small Town Detective Catches Big Forger

57 The Find My Truck App

58 An Apple Catches Thieves

59 How to Locate your Local Chopshop

60 Getting Caught When the Chips are Down

61 We are Watching You from Space

62 Case of the Sleeping Plumber

63 It’s a Bird, its Superman, no; it’s Really a Plane

64 Let me Help You in

65 Case of the Unlucky Opportunistic Crook

66 Cop Shop

67 We Got the Drop on You

68 CraigsBust

69 Carjacker Special Delivery

70 Getting a Little Smarter can be a Lot Dumber

71 Gumshoes Get Gumby

72 It’s Another Bird, it’s Another Superman, no, it’s

73 A Goldilocks Story?

74 Check Out Your CrookBook (Facebook) Pictures

75 Bowling for Quarters

76 Add Littering to that Charge

77 Stuck Stick Shift Stickup Sucks

78 Gas and Go to Jail

79 Dialing for Dollars or Doughnuts

80 Taking the Bite Out of Crime in Florida

81 Guns, Bat and a Knife

82 Me Wanted by the Sheriff

83 Making Bad Moves

84 Case of the Mustachioed Masquerader

85 Face Booking

86 Mr. Goldilocks II

87 Too Much Safe Keeping

88 Dumbest Crook Award from Smartest Cop

89 Cat Burglar Almost Becomes Gator Food

90 Slam, Bam, no Thank You Mam

91 You’re On Candid Cop Camera

92 Vacationing Scammer Caught on Facebook

93 Know Your Opponent

94 Hold Up Foiled by Fall Guy

95 Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You

96 Cool Crook Caught by a Hot Cucumber

97 Case of the Wayward Santa

98 When Crime is Afoot, call in the Gumshoes

99 The Incriminating Disguise

100 Angler Caught by a Fish?

PREFACE

Do most crooks perform incredibly dumb acts because they want to be caught? Or maybe, they’re really that dumb. But it could be a combination and one that’s synergistic. Whatever the reason for leaving evidence behind, even wallets, business cards, car keys and such, the bad guys do some hilarious stuff that gets them caught and provides entertainment for readers. Some have even called 911. But really bad guys, including murderers, have also tipped off the cops by their dumb acts to provide fascinating cases. We’ve included a few of these tragic cases that are not funny at all, but show the cleverness of law enforcement. Here is a collection of such acts of dumity that go beyond stupidity, even acquired stupidity. These acts provide the basis for rules to guide the inept crook (this just sarcasm – not really help for crooks – OK!). We’ll start with one devoid of humor where a cold case murderer was identified and convicted through the crook’s own very graphic and ineffaceable confession. But it took some clever analysis and these LA Sheriffs can match any Sherlock.

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to Law Enforcement Officers around the world, affectionately known as LEOs. The case histories present contrasts that result from confrontations between dumb crooks and smart LEOs. While the theme is humorous, we need not forget that our LEOs are in constant danger while they work hard to keep us safe and make the world a better place.

All of the author's proceeds will be donated to the Florida Sheriffs Association (FSA), a non-profit professional association of Florida’s 67 elected Sheriffs, along with approximately 3,500 business leaders and 70,000 citizens throughout the state.

100 DECIDEDLY DUMB CASES

1►Case of the Skin Deep Confessions◄

NORWALK, California – Norwalk is less than a half-hour from downtown Los Angeles. The city has a long history as a film location and such classics as The Postman Always Rings Twice, The Karate Kid, CHiPs episodes and about two-dozen others have used this place as a setting. A Southern California gang member got his just due when he was convicted of first degree murder. It took many years to discover his identity even though he wrote his confession long before the cops had him fingered for the crime. And to be sure, it was the killer’s own arrogant actions that helped convict him of the murder of 23-year old John Juarez, a rival gang member.

Los Angeles County sheriff's homicide division Sergeant Kevin Lloyd was preparing to testify as an expert witness in a gang case. He was reviewing police albums of tattoos for the upcoming case. He had gone through hundreds of photos that had been compiled over many years. Suddenly, an image jumped out! The detective was propelled back in time as he stared at the large color print showing the upper body of a notorious criminal. Decorating the chest of the dark-haired man was a tattoo that stretched all the way across from his neck and shoulder to his chest and arm. The seemingly bizarre tattoo included a liquor store that looked vaguely familiar because there were Christmas lights on the store roof laid out in an unusual fashion. But there was also an old style curved light post - and there were street signs. All of his began to jog the detective’s memory. Indeed, Sergeant Lloyd recognized this place – it was in the city of Pico Rivera, an LA suburb. Lloyd had worked that area four years earlier and realized that he could identify the exact spot. But why would anyone have a tattoo of such an ordinary place? But closer inspection of the tattoo depicted gunfire. The tattoo on Anthony Garcia could be a crime scene. The tattoo showed a Mr. Peanut character getting shot from a helicopter near the liquor store. The tattoo not only gave the specific location, it told a story – MURDER!

This detailed tattoo showed the victim, a Mr. Peanut character, getting shot from a helicopter under the banner, Rivera Kills. The symbols were all there and the detective could read them – just like a murder script. Lloyd knew that peanut was a term for a rival gang and Chopper was the nickname of this crook with the tattoo, Anthony Garcia. And Garcia was the leader of a gang known as 13. The record showed that Rivera at was the scene of the crime. The detective was shocked by the story that the tattoo suggested. It all started coming back. The Sergeant remembered standing in the exact position shown in the tattoo and looking at this homicide scene. In a flash, Lloyd knew he had just solved an old murder. But there was much work ahead.

The tattoo had been photographed by deputies in Pico Rivera after Garcia was booked on the simple charge of driving on a suspended license. Law enforcement takes photos of tattoos to help identify individuals who will likely break the law again. Gang members often upgrade their street credentials with tattoos that include crimes carried out and prisons occupied.

Anthony Garcia, age 25, was finally convicted of the old murder that he displayed across his chest like – a written confession that shouted, I'm guilty. He was sentenced in Norwalk, CA and faces a long prison term.

The state prosecutor explained how he got the conviction. Garcia became the states exhibit because he had all the crime details on his body. The murder victim was actually shown to be falling down at the exact place he was found. The copter (the murderer) is shooting from the right to the left – just like it happened. There is even a curve to the light post, which is a pretty unusual type of light post – this clinched the location. The tattoo scene was identical to the real crime scene where an unarmed rival gang member was ambushed and gunned down outside Ed's Liquor. Before the shooting, the victim was on the telephone in a nearby phone booth. After hanging up, he was walking away when Garcia approached and used the common gang phrase, Where are you from? before firing. Garcia didn't have a personal connection to the victim who just happened to be in an area that Garcia's gang had claimed as its turf. Ironically, Detective Lloyd had talked to the victim, a guy named Juarez, just a week before the shooting. The detective wanted him to quit the gang before he got killed. Juarez agreed.

The case had remained unsolved for several years because there were no witnesses. After Lloyd started on the case, the Sheriff's Department worked undercover and obtained a confession from Garcia. The getaway driver also implicated Garcia to avoid receiving a maximum sentence. The tip-off to the murderer was in the tattoo files and it had been there for years, but it was a piece of luck, a good memory and a sharp detective that made the connections. During the trial, jurors were shown a series of Garcia's booking photos, taken for other offenses after the murder. Each photo showed the tattoo updates -- how different elements were added at each point in time. They also had a photo of Garcia at the beach before the murder – with no tattoo.

So why did Garcia get caught? First, it was blatant arrogance - bragging about the crime graphically – Look at me - the killer. He got away with this murder for awhile," But although the killer wasn’t exactly stupid, his actions certainly were, from committing a stupid and pointless crime to brazenly displaying the story.

RULE: If you tattoo your confession, your body becomes evidence.

---------------- Ϙ ----------------

2►The Telling Teller and the I-risk of i-Bragging◄

HOUSTON, Texas – This location is the fourth largest city in the United States and the largest one in Texas with a population of over 2-million and a metro area size of 6-million people. The city was named after General Sam Houston who was president of the Republic of Texas and the hero who won the Battle of San Jacinto

Two people, Estefany Martinez and Ricky Gonzalez, were charged with staging a Texas bank heist. OK maybe that’s not big news since bank robbing is quite popular in the Lone Star state. A typical count shows that more than 5,600 banks are relieved of cash each year by crooks netting the bank robbers millions of dollars. Texas is right up there at #2. [California is #1 for bank robberies according to the FBI].

This heist was a little different than most hold-ups. One robber took money from the International Bank of Commerce in Houston while the other ordered the tellers to place money from the vault into a bag. The tellers, the only people in the bank at the time of the robbery, remained in the vault and later called 911. Well, it still sounds like an ordinary enough robbery, but let’s follow the trail of evidence.

While the robbery might seem run of the mill, there was a mastermind. It turned out that a friend of the crooks, Anna Margarita Rivera, came up with the plan. Anna Margarita had been a bank teller during a previous bank robbery. But since the case was unsolved, she decided that bank robbing was not all that hard. So Ms Rivera told her wannabe bank robber friends that staging the robbery would be easy,.

Estefany Martinez said the plan was for her and Ricky Gonzalez (aka Ricky Gee) to pick a day where they would both be working the late shift and they would stage the robbery near closing time, thus minimizing the chances of any customers being in the bank. Gonzalez and Arturo Solano, Rivera's brother, were recruited. Bank surveillance video showed two masked and armed men entering the bank near closing. They jumped over the counter and demanded money and got it.

The robbery went down and the robbers got clean away – the simple plan had worked. But the robbers were easily caught. Ricky Gonzalez, age 18, and girlfriend Estefany Danelia Martinez, age 19, were both charged with the crime. So what went wrong with the great plan? Well, Ms Martinez worked for this bank and that’s the first place that detectives look. But the pair made it easier for the cops.

Both were fans of Facebook - FB for short. Just two days before the heist, bank teller Martinez wrote, Get $$$(;.,. But boyfriend Ricky also posted on FB the day after the robbery, Wipe my teeth with hundreds. He actually had some spelling mistakes that may have given clues. His bad spelling continued with U have to past the line sometimes!! To get dis money, Is his accent showing yet? Ricky added a clincher the next day with, I'm rich, right on his own FB page. The other stuff he posted is too vulgar to print. Adding to the portrait of his personal character is his Facebook page information under employer: Make money both ways Dirty and Clean!!

So did FB postings give them away?