The Cheating Wizard 2

By Andre Spence

During this second mystical adventure of team Contra Versus: Army of One, the story takes the idea of "magical bullshit" to a whole new level of absurdity, and shatters the remaining fields of existence by introducing a new destructive cast of magical characters. If you're familiar with the first "The Cheating Wizard" adventure, your mind should already be sufficiently destroyed enough for you to enjoy this one, as well. "Yay!" for magic, "Hooray!" for Contra Versus, and stop reading this description already and get to the actual magical story!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Andre Spence
• Release date: Sep 9, 2014
• ISBN: 9781310789519

Andre Spence

I write stuff no one wants to read for a living, and I also punch blocks of solid steel to make my fists invincible. My iPod is my life, and sometimes I swear life wants to hit me with a random meteorite just to keep me away from success.

Book preview

The

Cheating

Wizard 2

Masterfully Written by

Andre A. Spence

God-like Cover Illustration by

Leonardo A. Ariza

Copyright © 2014 by the author

Smashwords Edition

Contents

Chapter 1

Ritual of Destruction

Chapter 2

Ghost Valley

Chapter 3

Heroic Hobo

Chapter 4

Real People Games

Chapter 5

Tunnel of Death

Chapter 6

Grave Encounters

Chapter 7

World Tournament

Chapter 8

Absolutely Flawless Perfection

Chapter 9

Final Fanboys

Chapter ∞

World of Infinity

A 2nd introduction to Magical Bullshit

No way… you mean the FIRST STORY wasn’t enough for you!? Okay… here’s the intro, along with a new list of goodies to look for:

"This is a never-before-seen Mystical Tale of Magical Madness. If you’ve read through the first "The Cheating Wizard" story prior to reading this one, your mind is already prepared for the random acts of magical violence that is sure to follow suit. Now, if you’re reading this, and you haven’t read the first book yet… get the flaming hell out of here, and go get your mind properly destroyed rewired fucked acquainted {there we go!} with this world of absolute magic, first!"

1: See the awe-inspiring uses of magic right before your very eyes!

2: Enter a world where everything makes sense, and magic is real!

3: New and exciting characters awaits you, none of which is forcing me to write this!

4: Destiny commands you to read this story, and I’m definitely not using convenient words to spell out a secret message at all!

5: History will be made with this completely original & epic tale!

6: Earn the right to brag to your friends, and tell them how much smarter you are for reading the most badass magical book ever!

7: Learn the secrets behind The Cheating Wizard’s past, as well as other important things you won’t actually care about!

8: Pray to whatever God you pray to, or not, that your mind will survive this second mystical adventure!

Chapter 1

Ritual of Destruction

Unspecified location

Situated inside a dim-lit and shrouded basement are a total of 3 adult males. To better shield their identities, the men wore black hoods to cover their faces, and were all hunched over with their elbows placed atop an oval-shaped table. The only other available furniture inside the room was the three chairs being used by each man, and the small hanging chandelier above their heads which casted ghostly shadows across the small rectangular-shaped space. It was roughly ten years ago when these men last gathered, and uncontrollable chaos usually followed suit at the point of their dismissal.

The eldest of the three, a man named Samuel Graves was the first to speak.

Those bastards have been getting away with murder for far too long… he said with a disgruntled voice.

Indeed… another hooded man answered. This one was named Victor Desgatos. This is why I called the meeting here tonight. I think it would’ve been best if we gathered our forces before we launched our atta-

Oh please, the remaining hooded man interrupted. His name was given to him by his peers, El Carnicero (The Butcher). Victor, you think those little fuckers can roll up in my turf, and I’d just sit by and not take action first?

I don’t blame you for taking action, Victor began saying. But we are outnumbered this time… and the enemy seems hell-bent on wiping us out.

Tell me, Carnicero… Samuel began saying with a wave of his right hand. How many men do you have left after the first attack?

If you include the ones I keep for personal security, I have about 25,000.

That’s it? asked Victor with a smug tone.

Hey, we’re not here to compare dicks, man, said Carnicero with a humorous grin. Besides… my men are better trained than yours.

Gentleman! Samuel shouted while slamming his hands onto the table. Enough of this childish banter! This is serious… or do either of you think you can stop the enemy by yourself? He looked back and forth between the other men after he asked his question. Not surprisingly, they both remained silent.

After a strained period of frozen silence, El Carnicero was the first to break the ice.

Sorry… I guess I’m still pissed after losing 5,000 of my men in a single night.

Where, and what time did you engage them? asked Victor.

On the far west side of the city, around 3am this morning, Carnicero began saying. These guys, creatures, or whatever the hell they were, had skin that never gave two shits about bullets.

So how did you hold them off for so long? Samuel asked him.

Hold them off? You’ve gotten funnier since the last time we met! Carnicero answered with a humorous tone. No… the rest of us hightailed it outta there; the ones that died were the ones who stayed behind to fight.

Sounds like you needed the help of my fists, said Victor, pushing his hands through his long sleeves. His cybernetic fingers tightly gripped the side of the tabletop, to which he then effortlessly pinched off a chunk of the wooden table using a simple pull.

Yeah, I suppose that would have helped us… anyway, are you two ready to begin? asked Carnicero with a grim tone. After loudly clearing his throat, Samuel stood up from his chair, and said the phrase the other two men had been waiting to hear.

"Yes, let us begin the Ritual of Destruction."

4,000 years later

Contra Versus awakened inside his diamond castle made entirely out of scented candles, and shook with terror on account of the terrifying dream he had just witnessed.

Maaaaax! he screamed out with a demanding tone. Thunderous steps were subsequently heard rushing across the ceiling above, until the invisible demon watering its flowers above fell off due to the decreased gravity.

Nooooo! screamed the demon as it fell through deep space. After crashing onto Contra’s bed, it looked him square in the eyes, and delivered its final message. My liege, I’m sorry… I… I crushed your teddy bear… After it spoke, its grotesque red colored body faded from existence.

Right after it faded away, Max came rushing through Contra’s bedroom door.

Boss!? Is everything alright!? asked Max with a panicked tone.

Max! I just had the strangest dream! Contra cried out with terror. To save himself the precious 2 seconds required to walk the 3 inches needed to reach Contra’s bedside, Max teleported underneath the bedcovers by his friend’s left side.

Was it about those strange hooded men again?

"No! I had the one about Teddy Deemon!" Contra cried out with lemon-scented tears.

Impossible! We sealed him away during our last adventure! Max pointed out.

"Yes, but we never told that story… the last one was about that cheating son of a bitch!"

Shhh! He’ll hear you! Max warned him. Contra took his advice, and turned to his right side to check on the sleeping wizard.

No… he’s still sleeping like a log, said Contra, tapping the crusty bark of the piece of wood.

Oh… well in that case, should we fill everyone in about Teddy Deemon? Max asked him.

No! They don’t give a shit about us, so why should we tell them about our last dramatic struggle!?

You’re right… said Max, slipping out the left side of the bed. After getting to his feet, he materialized a large television screen out of thin air, and positioned it to face the front of Contra’s bed.

Max?

I’m gonna watch some anime, said Max, sitting down onto a newly materialized chair. He removed his invisible clothing at last, and placed on a blue bathrobe he borrowed from the sleeping wizard lying beside Contra. Immediately after the screen turned itself on, a girlish-looking boy was seen talking to another stylish-looking girl with long green hair.

What the shit is this!? asked Contra, quickly slamming his fists into the unmoving log placed next to his right.

"This is the new hip anime, Emo School Boy Adventures," Max explained with a wave of his left hand.

Why do most of these shows have a bunch of children as their main characters?

Because… younger people are easier to brainwash, Max began saying, and older adults often wished they had better or more exciting school days, so they watch these youthful people in a poor attempt to try reliving their own youth.

That sounds like a very sad existence… are people really that gay? asked Contra.

Yes… this is why I came here today, to show you the state of magic in this strange land of animation.

Max… what can we do? asked Contra with a worried tone.

I will infiltrate the base of resistance, and find Cindy somewhere in the back of the school.

When the hell did Cindy get in there!? And why does this seem so serious all of a sudden!?

Anyway, are you going in, or not? asked Max, getting to his feet. He removed his bathrobe with a push of his hands, and revealed his shining silver colored armor beneath it. It pulsated with immense electrical energy, and seemed as if it could transform into a storming thunder dragon at any second. Max then spoke a few muffled words, and brandished his +500 Giga Electric Sword from his right side before raising it to the heavens.

Yes, I’m ready! said Contra, springing to his feet. He removed his shirt, and equipped his Universe Gauntlets to his hands. Those fuckers won’t know what hit ‘em! Now that both men were ready, they materialized a portal leading to the animated world in front of the television, and rushed inside it with their bodies ready for the absolute chaos that awaited them.

Inside the hip new anime, Typical Teenage Troubles…

After crossing over through the portal, Contra swayed his golden hair to the left and right, and checked to see if his anti-emo aura was still in effect.

Yes… my tank still has bullets, said Contra, struggling to hold the -250,000 lbs tank inside his right hand. He held it by the tip of its main gun, and slung it over his right shoulder for dramatic effect. To save even more of his precious time, he teleported to the front of the school, and proceeded to stomp his feet into the pavement to quickly summon his strength. Come at me… you typical teenage bastards!

In response to his challenge, millions of prepubescent teenagers began rushing out from the front of the school entrance. They were all armed with guns, guns, and even more guns. Clearly, the odds were not in his favor.

Nooooo! said Contra, falling down onto his left knee. My left leg fell asleep! As the swarm of teenagers was only a second away from washing over him, he received a sudden phone call from his dearest friend.

"Contra! Hold on just a bit longer!" the man’s voice called out.

"It can’t be… Ultimate Master of Magic!?" Contra cried out with tears of joy.

"Yes, it is I, the Ultimate Master of Magic, the proud voice answered. Oh crap, I’m getting another call… can you hold on just a moment?" Before he got the chance to answer, the line went dead.

Hurry man! These emo faggots are less than a second away from reaching me! Contra shouted with desperation. After waiting another 80 billion years, the connection picked up on the other line once again.

"Sorry about that, I had to save the multiverse from a rampaging hero wearing a skin-tight latex suit."

The person wore a skin-tight suit? That could be any one of those comic book heroes!

"Would it narrow it down if I said the person also had a type of symbol on their suit?

That could still be any one of them! Contra cried out with frustration.

"Okay, here’s my final hint… this hero had his or her backstory repeatedly changed throughout the years, and there are more plot holes in their story than a mile-wide cheese grater. In addition to that, these holes are filled with bullshit answers by utilizing alternate realities."

You’re not making this easy… are you?

"Fine, just forget it then. Wait a minute… didn’t you need help with something?"

Yes goddammit! I need the help of your magic to defeat these dragons! said Contra, finding the strength to get back to his feet. He removed his helmet visor at last, and pulled his +5,000,000 Dragon God Slayer Sword from his right side. As he looked ahead of the desolate battlefield, he sees the storm of invincible dragons flying straight towards him at the speed of light. Because of his dramatic struggle with the ground earlier, his left knee’s armor plate was in shambles.

"But, Contra! You have the legendary Dragon God Slayer Sword! Isn’t that more than enough to defeat them!?" asked Ultimate Master of Magic.

These are regular dragons… so it doesn’t work! Contra pointed out. The situation was beginning to look completely hopeless.

"Hold them off for a million seconds… that will give me enough time to summon my weakest magic!"

Gotcha! Thank you my friend! said Contra, rushing forward at the speed of light. Because of his haste, his phone slipped outside his armor’s back pocket, and shattered the entire universe.

1 million seconds later…

After conveniently restarting the universe, Contra began engaging in deadly combat against the dragons off camera. He had been fighting for what felt like forever, and there was only one dragon left out of the 46 trillion that once dotted the skies all around him.

You’re the last one! said Contra, pointing his spotless sword towards the bloodied beast.

Foolish mortal! I am an invincible dragon! Your puny weapon will not harm me! the dragon roared in the air. It was black in color overall, surrounded by red lightning, and looked ridiculously badass.

Oh yeah? Well I’m not the one you’re fighting! said Contra, resting his sword against his right side in a reversed grip.

That’s right! said the muffled voice of the Ultimate Master of Magic. His voice was coming from within the belly of the dragon. Your opponent is me! Immediately after he spoke, the dragon’s powerful-looking stomach began glowing with a hot red