Diary of Half a Sausage...dog: New Year

By Erika Rudie

Written from Ralf's perspective, we are taken on the roller-coaster ride of his life.

With a secret desire to be the next Picasso, a deep infatuation with the park pin-up and a ticking time bomb underneath the blackberry bush, life is never going to be straightforward for Ralf, the insightful, (in his own words), half-Sausage dog. Keen to improve himself, he creates several ambitious New Year Resolutions that seem impossible to achieve. Will he manage to reach his clearly articulated goals? Er, no. In fact life is a long string of challenges interspersed with the occasional piece of panfried steak and garlic or an essential bowl of Tagliatelle Carbonara. How tough can life get?

Quote from the book:
“The vet was very sly about the whole thing. One day I went into the surgery to have my toenails clipped. (I have to be sedated because I have a phobia about nail clippers). The next day I woke up with short toenails. Fine by me, as they were getting a bit long to be honest. I licked my paws as I do every morning, gave my face a quick wipe and then went down to lick my bits. But half my bits were missing! It might have been an accident, of course. Maybe the nail clippers slipped or something but I don't think so. The vet called this essential operation, ‘neutering’. I call it outrageous!"

Another quote from the book:
Despite this, Clogs could really destroy any of us if he wanted to. He is definitely the Darth Vader of the dog world. He even does the Darth breathing thing. (But that’s because he has asthma).

Praise for the book:
Ralf is the Adrian Mole of the dog world. Bravo! (Joanna Gray, who likes shouting exclamatory remarks).

I laughed so much I nearly died. Make sure you don’t read this book and drive at the same time, like I did! (Dave, the cabbie).

Very enjoyable. The story and humour really distracted me from my job. (The book’s proofreader).

A masterpiece of fun and dry wit. (Tom Stoppard). (Noooo...not that one!).

I did not like the bit about the dentures. I wear dentures and I think it is extremely insulting. (Stan, who is dentally compromised).

• Language: English
• Publisher: Erika Rudie
• Release date: Aug 29, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311584496

Erika Rudie

Erika has played with words and owned a dog for many years. When she combined the two, 'Diary of Half a Sausage...dog' was born.' "I had no intention of writing a dog diary," says Erika, "it just sort of happened in a spontaneous way and I often ended up laughing at what popped out onto the page." I hope others enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Book preview

Diary of Half a Sausage…dog

New Year

By Erika Rudie

First published 2013

2nd Edition published 2014

Copyright © Erika Rudie 2014

Illustrations Copyright © Erika Rudie 2014

Smashwords Edition

Erika Rudie asserts the moral right to be identified as the of author of this work.

The novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons or animals, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved.

No part of this text or these images may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now or hereinafter invented, without the express permission of the author.

Acknowledgements

A big thank you to J, L and A for their feedback and to my four-legged, little buddy who is so inspiring.

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

I’m not really a naughty dog - it just seems that way. Unfortunately, my owner Izzie, thinks I am very rascally indeed.  I really love Izzie so this year I've decided to try and improve my position on the ‘Naughty Dog Scale.’

Here are my New Year's Resolutions:

1. STOP BEING A WAYWARD MUTT.

Because: I really hate it when Izzie says, Ralf!! You are such a naughty dog! and then grinds her teeth.  She does this so much that I worry she will wear all her teeth away. Humans need teeth and I would like her to have a good, strong set.  I definitely don’t want an owner who wears dentures as this would be bad for my self-esteem.

2. STOP EATING TEABAGS.

Because: It is unhygienic and bad for my health and wellbeing. Plus I smell of Lapsang Souchong. This is very uncool.

3. BECOME BEST FRIENDS WITH THE AFGHAN HOUND WHO HAS VERY LONG EYELASHES.

Because: She has very long eyelashes AND she smells of Cumberland sausages. I wonder what her name is? I bet it is something beautiful like Gigi or Audrey… or perhaps it is something floral like Camellia.

4. ONE THING I WOULD LIKE TO UNDERSTAND:

Why does Izzie wear her hair up in a top-bunch-thing? Maybe she wants to look like my friend Clara Chipolata.

JANUARY

MONDAY - ATTENTION SEEKING

Today Izzie was very busy. But her hectic lifestyle is just an excuse not to play with me and I have to resort to cunning techniques to get her attention. Today I managed to distract her from her laptop by licking her slippers. She thought I was being affectionate but she had dropped some tomato ketchup on them. Delicious!

When I’d