The Cheating Wizard

By Andre Spence

If you're a fan of comic book heroes, religious figures, the laws of physics, original stories, the government, clean PG language, and a bunch of other random things... don't read this book, since it makes fun of everything under the sun. Read this story at your own risk, and have a few migraine pills ready. The Cheating Wizard will be the most nonsensical, insulting, and downright craziest magical story you've ever read.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Andre Spence
• Release date: May 29, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311091864

Andre Spence

I write stuff no one wants to read for a living, and I also punch blocks of solid steel to make my fists invincible. My iPod is my life, and sometimes I swear life wants to hit me with a random meteorite just to keep me away from success.

Book preview

The

Cheating

Wizard

Unfortunately Written by Andre A. Spence

Magical Cover Illustration by Leonardo A. Ariza

Copyright © 2013 by the author

Smashwords Edition

Contents

Chapter 1

The Holy Father

Chapter 2

Evil Mad Scientist

Chapter 3

Magical City Siege

Chapter 4

Wonderland of Sand

Chapter 5

Cake of Life

Chapter 6

The Strongest Enemy

Chapter 7

Crystal Miracle

Chapter 8

Flaming Axe Demons

Chapter 9

Ultimate Master of Magic

Chapter 10

The Cheating Wizard

STOP!!! Before you begin…

Unlike The World’s Strongest Gambler, this story will break as many laws of physics as possible. In other words, it will be a severe case of magical bullshit. I know, I know, a guy like me writing about magic? Yeah, it will be the purest form of madness for sure.

I happen to think writing magical stories take little imagination, and barely any skill, since instead of describing anything significant, I can substitute the word ‘magic’ and make it all ‘real’ somehow. If you’re already feeling insulted, dear god… RUN AWAY, FAST! And if you’re crazy enough to stick around, here’s what to expect:

0: You’d have to be bat-shit crazy to still be reading this.

1: There will be no logic here, and locations will make no sense.

2: This story will be very inconsistent... you know, like normal stories {to be fair, this story is approximately 800.8135 quadrillion times more inconsistent}. You will probably suffer brain damage.

3: A LOT of generic themes and characters will be used, with slight changes & never-before-seen magical twists! Oh joy, slight changes!

4: Magic, and made-up science will be used to explain everything.

5: The events of this story are not to be taken seriously. Why bother writing this? Well, some people actually believe in magical bullshit.

6: If you are a religious person… DO NOT read this story, or you’ll have your life destroyed by The Cheating Wizard  = 

7: Unlike T.W.S.G, there will be a strong use of fucking language!

Are you CRAZY enough to begin? Go to the next page!

Chapter 1

The Holy Father

Long ago, before the dawn of magical bullshit was invented… there was nothing. But before that, there was a stereotypical 14-year-old teenager named Suzy. Suzy had bulging biceps, long flowing purple hair, rippling muscles, stood at over 6 feet tall, wore a tight black costume… and had a huge bulge. Despite his obvious young age, Suzy was somehow a fully grown man with age-old wisdom, and was the manliest of men!

While angrily floating around the empty cosmos one day, Suzy decided to create our known universe. Following an aggressive glare of his eyeballs, everything exploded through empty space with a cosmic flash, and billions of years sped by in 2 seconds. Life was then conveniently detected nearby on planet Earth, so he decided to teleport there to see what’s up. He arrived in Hong Kong, and was immediately run over by a passing ice-cream truck.

Year 2013

Several onlookers rushed over to his destroyed body, and began gawking at his disfigured presence.

Suzy! Our Lord and Savior! Do you speak English? Are you okay!? asked a worried, and surprisingly ugly fat lady. Just like that, Suzy fixed his body back to normal, and stood up on his feet. A mystical red cape now covered his back, and he now emitted a golden glow to show off his godly powers.

What the fuck? Where is this!? asked Suzy, looking over his shoulders. Everything around him looked normal… how terrifying!

You’re in Hong Kong England, so we all speak English, an ugly fat man answered him.

What!? asked Suzy in disbelief. This can’t be… you’re too ugly to be in existence! And how the hell was a God crushed by a random truck!? he screamed out.

Hey mister, are you a superhero? a little girl asked him.

"Stupid child, I am a God!" After responding, he instantly flew through the air, and proceeded to teleport to downtown Texas.

Whew, finally, some friendly Mexicans! said Ricky, spotting a nearby crowd of farmers. {He changed his name, since he had a new origin story. He was born on Mercury, and got superpowers after being struck by a passing solar flare}. The crowd of farmers turned in his direction, and instantly began firing their shotguns.

Get outta here ya goddamn Demon! shouted one of the men. Their bullets bounced off his chest, and sped back to blow their heads off; releasing the delicious vitamin gummies from within.

Hahahaa! Crime doesn’t pay! Suzy shouted into the air. I need a sidekick… He thought of the perfect sidekick, and a man materialized in front of him.

The man wore blue jeans, a white t-shirt, white sneakers, and was the same height as Ricky. Phazon Thunder {the man’s name} had green eyes, and his hair was green as well. Phazon was built like an Ox, and looked as if he was ready to start a fight.

Phazon! Ready to go on a destructive mystical adventure!?

"Wait a minute… Contra, this isn’t the original dialogue we had! What the fuck is going on!?" asked Phazon, running around in circles frantically.

"Quiet, Max! Ricky said with a wave of his right hand. Play along for a bit… and let ‘em think this is how the real original story went..."

"Jesus… The Cheating Witch really fucked with the beginning of the old story, didn’t she?" asked Phazon with a shake of his head.

Max! Spoilers, man! said Ricky with a frantic wave of his hands. Ahem… anyway, back to the original dialogue: we’re going to a random made-up city in France… called Marksburgesburg!

An instant later…

After teleporting to Marksburgesburg, they found themselves in the middle of a busy street.

Shit! Look out! said Phazon, rushing to Ricky’s side. Phazon punched him through the air, and was in turn run over by a passing manure truck. Ricky flew to Phazon’s destroyed body, and began crying his eyes out.

Noooo! Phazon… I’ll have to pay for your funeral! A crowd of people began gathering around them, and started taking pictures.

This shit’s going up on YouTube! an angry-looking black man shouted out. With the threat of viral pictures, the situation was getting out of control… so Ricky decided to restart the universe.

A second later…

Ricky was standing in the middle of the street, with Max by his side. {He decided to change his sidekick’s name; Phazon Thunder was too long, and sounded way too generic}.

Max, you’re alive! Hector shouted out. {He changed his name again because of his new origin story. As it turned out, Hector was an ordinary Mexican man living on Earth, until one day he fell into lava… giving him fire powers with the knowledge of the universe}.

Finally, I have my old name back… said Max with a heavy sigh. Hector flashed him a warning glare in return, so he returned to the original script. Whoops! I meant to say: yeah, I need to get to work, bye, Joe! he called out with a wave. {Hector changed his name to Joe a second ago, since Hector died in a car crash 7 years ago, and he wished to forget about his tragic past}.

Work? Oh yeah, I’m late for my yearly butcher meeting in New York! said Joe, pulling a two-piece suit out of thin air. He quickly placed it on, and began looking around for a nearby taxi.

Joe, use the fish transport! Max suggested.

Right, we have to save the universe! said Joe, raising his fists into the air. "The Master of Magic…. he needs to be stopped!" Joe looked to his right, and sees the fish bus rolling by his right side. It was… well, a large bus made out of a large Bluefin Tuna.

Max teleported away, and Joe began chasing down the large bus. The bus was moving at over 20 mph; much too