Worth It All (All series, Book 3)

By Marie Wathen

**Warning: Trigger scene possibilities for anyone who has suffered child abuse or molestation. Due to graphic language and detailed sex scenes, this book is not intended for anyone under the age of 18.

A bad decision
A castle
Lost love

Breesan Maxwell, Morgan Walker and Anna Knight are living in their own vivid, real-life nightmares, due to the evil creation of the most dangerous drug ever.

Ryske

While pursuing a relationship with her long-lost mother, Breesan hears the horrible details about a past that she had no idea existed. Going against his loves wishes and possibly breaking her recently restored heart, Marcus will do everything in his power to ensure that Breesan is protected. Is he willing to sacrifice their relationship to unearth the truth?

Nothing is as it seems.

Set out to infiltrate a notorious human trafficking ring, Morgan hopes to find the woman who owns his heart before she's lost for good. Unfortunately, his mental health takes a severe blow after seeing the disgusting operation with his own eyes. A tragic accident, disgusting ploys and another member of the small group of guardians getting injured throws their world into utter chaos.

There is nothing left to lose.

Hidden inside a filthy, dirt-filled cave, Anna suffers from a Ryske dosing that unearths long-ago hidden memories and reveals truths that she couldn't notice before. Unfortunately, she needs help to survive them, but Waverly isn't the one who she must turn to. Because she is slipping into a sleep so deep that she may never awaken again. Could the ladies biggest ally in this hell on earth have ulterior motives for his kindness? Or will he prove that he actually cares the way he claims?

Words mean nothing.

During the fade, one will lose everything, one will finally be found, and one will be fatally betrayed. Or will they all suffer these fates?

In the end, all is revealed, and the hell that it takes to get them there will prove to be Worth It All

• Language: English
• Publisher: Marie Wathen
• Release date: May 21, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311568021

Marie Wathen

New Adult Author of the All Series, book one Be All released July 2013. Other tiles in the series are, All is Lost, All This Time, Worth it All, Risking All, All We Are and My All. My short story, No Details, can be found in the Novel Grounds All Our Love anthology. It will become a full-length novel in 2015. I am the mom of two beautiful & intelligent daughters; Kaitie and Kayla, who both married Kyle's. I married my best friend, the most loving man that I’ve ever met, Barry. He supports me and encourages everyone of my wild dreams no matter how neurotic. I have two g'son, WD & RJ, who sweetly call me Lola (because that's what I want them to call me). I am a proud Italian-American, living in Alabama. Barry & I have a real passion for travelling via car, and we have visited over half the country in our eleven years together. I adore reading and Japanese food. When I actually do turn on the television, I must play catch-up with my overloaded DVR. My top faves are Game of Thrones, Persons of Interest, Sons of Anarchy, True Blood, Walking Dead, and recently I've added StarCross & the 100 to the lineup. I love Facebook, but hate to overload the news feed with posts about me, so you’ll see more shares than original posts, unless they are about my books. I have a blog, but I suck at updating it. I hope to find time to connect and use it as an outlet for my insane ramblings, but don't count on it. If you love my books, please follow my fan page Marie Wathen Author. I will do my best to keep you updated on where my books are as well as sharing teasers. Thanks for all the love!

Book preview

Prologue

Breesan (Five years ago…)

You’re a freak, Miller spits, venom coursing through each hurtful word while she blocks the exit, successfully cornering me in the second floor girl’s bathroom. Why on earth Anna wants to be your best friend is anyone’s guess. I mean, my God, you’re a jinx for crying out loud, and I don’t know why she wants to be around you, just waiting for a guillotine to drop and chop off her head. A loud shrill from the bell echoes through the hallway, signaling the end of the school year, and I know that in just a few minutes every middle-schooler will abandon this place and we will be left alone.

Miller Adams is the most popular and meanest girl in eighth grade, possibly in all of the school. We started sixth grade together, and since that first day, she has made me her target. Truthfully, I don’t understand why she chose me of all people. We have no common denominators and, as far as I know, I’ve never said one off word to her. Her family moved to Willow three years ago, so she’s not a native. She doesn’t know anything about me, other than what she’s heard through the rumor mill–nothing real. I guess she’s just the obligatory middle school mean-girl. Yay for me!

You don’t know anything. Fed up with her crap, I step toward her, anger pulsing off of me like an overpressure blast, and I growl deep in my throat, Anna isn’t my best friend! You need to leave her out of this… I wave my hands in her direction, ...whatever it is you’re trying to do.

Posture stiffening and eyes widening, a result of the fury shockwave she senses from me, she gulps and then forces a smug smile. What I’m doing is saying what everyone is thinking, but are too afraid to tell you. Her tone is completely conceited, like she really believes that it’s her God-given right to tell me anything. We all know about your parents. My stomach lurches with the mention of my family, and the evil curve of her lips proves she’s pleased with my reaction, so she continues to torment me. It’s no secret that you killed your mother. And your dad didn’t get deployed… Her tiny foot slides forward a step until she realizes that she’s moving closer to me, and then she corrects it, retreating back two. With narrowed brown eyes, she gloats, He left you. Your stepmother told my mom that he wasn’t planning on returning, either. Isn’t it convenient that he was captured? He probably just moved on and found another family, one with children that aren’t poisonous to be around.

Shut up, Miller! I wail so loudly my own ears ring. Crashing my hands over them, both to stop the vibrating and to shut her out, I push past her to get out of the stuffy bathroom.

Flinching away from me with her palms held up, she screeches, Don’t you ever touch me, I don’t want to die, too! Just before the click of the closing heavy wooden door, I hear her suggest, Why don’t you just move to Mars?

Mars…Mars…Mars, a child’s sweet voice sings in my head before everything goes black.

You will do as I tell you and everything will work out as I have planned, A tall beautiful woman screams at Julia while standing over me, holding a shaky hand against my bruising cheek. I have Brendt chained and drugged. And your sister is the only other person who has access to this room besides me. She turns, looking at the woman beside her, and continues talking.

The other woman’s face is familiar. She looks like Julia, but not as evil. Her golden eyes look softer, kinder. Is she really Julia’s sister? And who was that blonde man that stomped in before these women? He looks a little familiar, too, and he kissed my stepmother. That’s not a nice thing to do to my daddy.

A straggled cackle erupts from the mean lady and then she divulges, He may as well be on fucking Mars because no one will ever find him here.

Mars…Mars…Mars, I sing-song the word in my head, over and over, like I’m trying to remember it. She glares down at me with blazing hatred that makes me shiver with fear, and I quickly avert my eyes. Your daddy will remain hidden here, until I’ve deemed it his time to…well, move on.

Where are we? Glancing around, I notice that I’m in a castle dungeon, like the one Anna and I pretend to play in. My heart leaps thinking about her and the boys. I miss my friends. Afraid to interrupt the mean lady, I sob into the darkness, I want to go home.

A howling from the shadows interrupts the woman’s rant. Breesan, baby, where are you? Dust particles dance in a small sliver of light that shines from the long-ago boarded window, revealing an arm stretching out toward me. It’s blood-soaked, and I can see a tattered American flag tattooed on it. That’s my daddy’s tattoo. I want to call out and beg him to save me, but the words lodge in my throat from terror. Chains keep his hand from touching me and even though I want to crawl to him, I remain completely still for fear of the woman hitting me again. I don’t know why she did it before, but my cheek is swelling and stings from her first strike after she called me a pathetic bug.

You are a fucking monster, Daddy’s voice roars louder from the shadow, causing me to jump, and I stifle a scream with my hand over my mouth. I don’t care what you do to me, but if you hurt my daughter, I swear to fucking God, when I break out of this hellhole I will kill you! The mean woman only laughs. You bitch, His voice is growing weak, Who the hell are you and what do you want? Why can’t I see you? What did you do to me?

Daddy, I whisper too softly for anyone to hear.

Deep, nauseating fear consumes my body and a small shiver moving through me leads to body-racking convulsions. My bleeding knees make it hurt to move, but I must get a closer look. My hands and legs scrape over the cold, dirt-covered floor until finally, closer into the shadows, I see him. He is here. Daddy, I blurt through a sad mumble.

Baby, He stretches against the cuffs digging into his wrists, causing blood to stream down his forearm. I will get you back. No matter… He coughs and jerks his hand away, grabbing his throat. What did you do to me? he groans then falls onto the floor paralyzed. His darkening eyes hold me in place as a single tear slips free, crosses over the bridge of his nose and streaks down the other side of his face.

I snap open my eyes, pulling out of the thick haze cloaking my brain, and realize that I’ve been having a nightmare. Julia hovers over me in the school nurse’s office. What is wrong with her? she hisses at the worried-looking nurse, who is holding the back of her hand tenderly against my forehead.

I don’t really know, Mrs. Maxwell, she answers, narrowing suspicious eyes on my stepmother. Breesan was found passed out in the hallway in front of the middle school girl’s bathroom. Allegedly, no one was around to see what happened. She was unconscious until moments before you walked in. Suddenly she just started whimpering and repeating the word ‘Mars’. The nurse glances down at me with a sweet smile curving her wrinkled-covered lips and asks, Sweetie, would you like to tell me what happened?

No! Julia’s long, skinny fingers wrap over the nurse’s shoulder, pushing her away. She stares down at me, lying helplessly on a small cot. I’m taking her home this instant, and she will see her doctor tomorrow. If my…stepdaughter, she forces the word through gritted teeth, pretending that she actually cares about me, can just pass out in this school and go unnoticed for an hour, then I’m removing her from attendance. You can bet that the board will hear about this insufferable incident. Now, move out of my way. Bug…Breesan, get up! Obeying her, I lift my still-woozy head off the pillow while Julia grips her cold hand around my upper arm, digging her fingernails into the tender flesh underneath.

Ouch, I cry, scooting off the small cot as quickly as possible.

She roughly drops her hold on me, and I sway a bit from the force of her release. Let’s go, she directs, her high heels clicking on the hard tiles as she storms out of the room.

Breesan, honey, are you going to be okay? The nurse runs a warm hand over my short hair. Her light-green eyes, filled with concern, watch me like a wounded animal. I nod my head slowly, careful not to stir up the dizziness again, and fast-walk to catch up with my evil stepmother.

Once inside the car, Julia faces me with a look of unleashed bitterness. What did you say back there? The words are no more than a growl, warning and severe.

I don’t know, Julia, I fib through trembling lips, knowing that she won’t accept this pathetic excuse of an answer.

Seething, her chest rises and falls wildly. What is Mars, Bug?

I pause and swallow hard, not wanting to answer her because she will just get madder if I tell her that I remember seeing her with my dad in that terrible place. I remember everything about the night when I was a child, and she took me to see him locked inside the Renaissance castle. But the reason she took me to see him wasn’t because she loved me and thought I needed him. It was so she could see that other man. My dad was hurt, chained to a wall, and she didn’t even look his way once. She and those people did something bad to him. I need to find him so that I can save him and get him some help before they kill him, if they haven’t already.

Okay, pulling a scary smile across her wine-red painted lips, she offers, How about we get some food? Would you like a burger or pizza for dinner tonight?

What? I stare with my mouth hanging open, completely shocked that she would consider letting me eat junk food. Who is this person?

Manners, Breesan, I asked you a question, she snarls before forcing another fake smile, pressing for my answer.

Oh, yes, I’m sorry, Julia. Pulling out of my stupor, I glance down at my hands, knotting in my lap, clear the thick fear from my throat and mutter, I would like a burger. Thank you. I can’t remember the last time she bought me anything–even something as simple as food. She buys things for our house, but never anything that she knows would make me happy.

Good, she trills, pulling out of the school parking lot. We hit the drive-thru line at Milo’s where she only orders for me.

Don’t touch it until we get home, she instructs, dropping the hot bag onto my lap.

Oh man, the heavenly aroma of onions, pickles and Milo’s sauce fills the interior of the car instantaneously, and it smells so good that I moan miserably. Waiting to get home will be a nightmare. Thank goodness it isn’t that far.

Walking into the house, Julia starts toward the kitchen and I follow closely, ready to dig in. She yanks my food and tea out of my hands before ordering me upstairs to wash up and put my school stuff away. I race up the stairs, darting around the bathroom like a mad woman on a mission, so fast that I’m back in the kitchen with her just as she pours my tea into a tall, clear glass.

Eat up, Bug, she orders, pushing a plate toward me with my food neatly arranged on it. Here’s your tea; enjoy. She leaves me to eat in peace and that’s exactly how it feels to be alone again–peaceful.

I pop my straw into the glass and sprinkle in the Sweet ’n Low after fishing out the slippery slice of lemon. Yuck! Eating slowly, I savor each bite of the juicy burger, wiping away the sauce as it oozes down my chin. The fries are still warm, and oh, so delicious, I muse contentedly. Appreciating this rare moment of bliss, I lick the seasoning off before I crunch down each one.

Bug, Julia calls from the hallway.

Yes, ma’am? I mumble after shoving in the last bite and rinsing it down with a large slurp of tea quickly, afraid that she’ll realize that she actually did something nice for me and take it back.

Julia steps into the room holding my suitcase. Still chewing, I glance from it to her and then back again before I inquire, What’s the deal with my bag? She narrows her eyes at me for talking with my mouth full.

How are you feeling? she prods, placing the bag on the floor at the doorway and propping it against the wall before joining me in the dining room.

I’m fine, I tinge, confused with this whole scene. Pointing at my suitcase, I politely ask, Are you going to tell me why you have that?

Are you lightheaded at all or feeling sick to your stomach? She deflects my questions with more of her weird inquiries about my health. She doesn’t care about me. Suddenly nervous, I peel my eyes away from the suitcase and glance up at her, looming at the opposite end of the table. Once again, she appears irritated, with her arms crossing over her chest and a painted nail tapping the corner of her elbow. I shake my head, responding to her last question, and she frowns.

Finish your drink and clean up your mess, she orders, taking a seat at the table. Then we’ll talk about this Mars nonsense. She watches me for any signs giving away the fact that I know exactly what Mars means. At first, I freeze with trepidation, but then I do exactly as she demands before she yells. I sit back down at my end of the table. She glares at me expectantly. Well, speak!

I…I don’t really know what to tell you…It was nothing, I stammer, shrugging my shoulders and avoiding her bitter look. I guess I passed out…and had some goofy dream. I hope that convinces her that I don’t know the truth about how deeply vile she really is.

Don’t shrug! she gripes, rubbing her palm into the center of her forehead while squeezing her eyes closed and mumbling something unintelligible. Her hand slams down hard on the table and I jump at the force of it. You will tell me everything–NOW! Otherwise, you won’t leave this table. Am I making myself clear? She’s daring me to defy her.

Knowing she means every single word, I rush my answer through a shaky voice. Miller Adams was talking crap about me in the girl’s bathroom and I passed out. There, are you happy? That little bit of attitude could come back to bite me in the ass–literally. Although she has never struck me, the anger swelling in her eyes threatens that physical abuse is imminent.

What did that little wench say? Do not leave out anything.

God, Julia, I whine softly, feeling a strange tingle move through my blood, muscles and bones. Why does it matter? I don’t care what that stupid girl says and…I don’t believe her.

Bug, she warns, squeezing her hand into a tight ball, lying on top of the table.

Fine, I dramatically plop both hands on the table in front of me and stare harshly back at her wanting this whole ugly scene over with, once and for all. I’m not sure where all of this attitude – or insanity – is coming from. Usually, I relinquish and submit fully when she watches me so fiercely. Miller said that I killed my mother and that my dad didn’t get taken… I close my eyes, pricking with welling tears, regain control over my quivering chin and then sigh before whispering, She said dad left us.

Weak and very sleepy all of a sudden, I cross my arms, placing them on the table and laying my heavy head on them. A huge yawn escapes my mouth and I apologize before she yells at me about my manners again. Forgive me. She relaxes a bit, leaning back in her chair.

Very well, now tell me about Mars, Julia demands, relentless on knowing if I slipped up and told about the horrible thing she has done.

Yes, ma’am, I nod, rubbing my chin propped against the top of my folded hands. It was just a dream–something about my dad being taken by a mean woman, I pause and she glowers, stiffening in her seat. You were there with some other guy. I…I thought that maybe we were inside the Renaissance Castle, but you’ve never once let me go there. I sigh. That’s how I know it couldn’t be real. She shifts in her seat when I mention this, like she’s uncomfortable, so I ask, Have I ever been to the castle? She doesn’t answer, but the creepy smile stretching across her lips reveals her answer. It wasn’t really a dream! Fighting against another obnoxious yawn, I beg, Do you know if my dad is still alive, Julia?

Yes, he’s still alive, she says matter-of-factly, rising regally from the seat.

What? I jerk my head up and immediately wish that I hadn’t. Pops of white light blur my vision, like there are a million camera bulbs snapping off at the same time. Weakly, I push up from the table and my knees buckle, dragging me down to the floor. How? I murmur, unable to believe it so. My dad’s alive in the dungeon. A bead of sweat forms along the back of my neck before rolling down the center of my spine. No.

The government never confirmed that he died, Bug, she explains sharply. Now, stand up, because I won’t carry you. We’re leaving. Julia jerks me up by my shirtsleeve and I scramble to my feet.

Where…where are we going? I want to ask more questions about my dad’s location and demand that we go save him, but feeling a terrible wave of nausea moving through my stomach, I instead whimper and moan, What’s wrong with me, Julia? I feel…oh, God, I feel so bad…

Good, she gloats, towing me roughly out the front door and toward her car.

Stop, I’m going to throw up. I moan low again, falling down roughly onto the hot asphalt driveway, burning my palms and knees. Oh, God.

I’ve been told that Ryske feels like that at first, Julia discloses casually while opening the passenger door before walking around to the driver’s side. What is she talking about? Get off the ground. I’m taking you away. With fading strength, I force my way up and slowly crawl into the car. Some place that you will forget everything, and I will get a break from seeing your repulsive face. God, I am so sick of being the one stuck dealing with you, she reveals, staring off at our house. Her words don’t shock me. She’s always hated me, but I never understood why. I don’t have to wait long for that answer. That bitch of a mother had to go and leave you behind for me to deal with. I fucking hate Casandria. And you. Your father, that rat bastard, thought he could keep it all from me. She laughs deeply and the evilness of it scares the hell out of me. What a fool. He will pay dearly, once and for all.

Confused and feeling worse, I slump my weak body against the door, placing the edge of my forehead onto the cool glass. Focus, I encourage myself. Dad is still alive and she’s getting rid of me. Just as I issue that order, a hot sensation deep within my mind begins blurring these important facts, friendly faces, and…my life.

Since, very soon, you won’t remember any of this I will tell you that if I could permanently get rid of you, I would. I turn too quickly, looking at her and my head begins swimming. A current of disgust rolls through her hateful words. Oh yes, you disgusting spawn, I definitely would. Unfortunately, you are the key to everything I want.

Without checking for traffic, she backs the car down the driveway fast and then squeals the tires while whipping it around toward the entrance of our cul-de-sac. Stomping on the brake, she glares across the car and I shake with terror from the evil darkening in her eyes. My sacrifices will be worth it all one day when I can be with the man I love, and my son. I only have to wait five more years for you to turn nineteen before we can get what is rightfully ours. More importantly, I will finally be rid of you. Twitching after that emotional release, she glances into the rearview mirror, pushes a wayward strand of hair back into place and then while reapplying lipstick, like a normal person, she reveals, For now, you’re going away where you’ll receive enough Ryske to remove all of these damn memories. She cuts her eyes toward me and hisses, Especially Mars.

Something strange happens while I stare at her. For the first time in my life, and as clear a day, I can actually read the truth written on her face, as if it were an advertisement on an interstate billboard. What she is telling me is fact, she wants me dead.

Chapter One

Breesan (Present day…)

It wasn’t real, I convince myself as I wake up, panting wildly in my bed after having a crazy nightmare about my dead stepmother. I try to grab hold of the cords of the dubious dream, but it’s like running my fingers through fog; I can’t grasp it and within seconds it disappears completely. Ouch, I moan softly. My head really freaking hurts. I roll onto my side, wincing when I feel a sharp pinch on my right temple, and I squeeze my eyes against the pain.

How are you feeling? A soft voice asks, breaking the silence in the room. I open my eyes, shocked to find a Julia look-a-like sitting at the foot of my bed.

What happened? I scoot up, pressing my back against the headboard for stability. My vision blurs, but I keep my eyes locked on her, needing answers. Who are you and how in the hell did you get into my house?

Smiling kindly, she rises up and stands at the end of the bed before responding, You bumped the side of your head when you blacked out. She points at her temple, and I nod slowly, still feeling a little overwhelmed with finding her here. Sliding my hand cautiously through my hair, I actually feel my pulse throbbing in a goose-egg size lump just above my ear. I wince a second time, and she makes a face like she understands that it hurts. She says, Like I told you before, I think that I’m your mother. You are Breesan Maxwell, right?

Watching her face another moment to read her for deception, but not finding anything, I finally answer, I am. She walks around the other side of the bed, putting several feet between us. Her smile becomes a nervous smirk while her eyes jump around like she’s trying to absorb everything rapidly.

Are you okay? she asks, focusing on me again. Do you need a doctor or would you like me to leave? I really don’t want to freak you out anymore, so I can go and then come back at a better time.

No, I hold up my hand. I think I’m better now, I answer honestly, twisting around and draping my legs over the edge of the bed. Thank you. I think I just need another minute. My head is swimming in a shallow pool of awareness about what happened. I force my eyes to center on her while I recall the last moments before I blacked out.

Earlier, when I spotted what I thought was the ghost of my recently-dead stepmother sitting on my bed, I freaked a little. Then when she spoke and told me that she wasn’t Julia, but that she thinks she’s my mother – the woman who supposedly died during my birth – well, I sort of flipped. My mind completely shut down and I passed out. Hell, it was bound to happen sooner or later. After everything that I’ve been through these last couple of months, between seeing one of my friends shot and then having my best friend abducted, both right in front of me, I’m surprised I lasted this long. To top all of that off, since middle school I have been suffering with anxiety attacks after a minor psychotic break that put me in treatment for a year, and I haven’t taken my prescription since all of this craziness began.

A sudden foreboding feeling creeps into my skin and sinks deep within my soul. Why do I feel an impending doom looming over me while staring at this woman? It feels like destiny is getting off on pranking me. Could she really be my mother? How can I trust her when my damn internal lie detector feels like it’s malfunctioning again? Forcing myself back out of my one-girl pity party, I glance out the open window after feeling a cool breeze brush against my exposed skin, noticing the sky is darkening.

I sigh and whisper to myself, How long have I been out?

It’s been a few hours. I shift my gaze back to her, noticing a sadness eclipsing her eyes before she glances away. I hope you don’t mind that I went downstairs to look around while you slept. It’s been so long since I was here. I can’t believe how different everything is.

You did what? My heart thumps against my ribcage, thinking about this stranger going through my things all while I was out, but my curiosity trumps my fear. Wait…you’ve been here before?

Yes. Nodding her head slowly, she turns around and glances at me with sad brown eyes, It was a lifetime ago; I was a teenager the first time I visited this house, She sighs, So, your father really did marry Julia?

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude to you, but I need to know how you got into my house and why you think that you’re my mother. I can’t let her emotions distract me from getting the facts–the truth–out of her.

Breesan, she starts cautiously before pointing a thin finger toward the chair beside my desk, silently requesting permission to sit. I nod. I have a lot of questions, too, and I think if we work together maybe we can get all the answers that we both need.

Defensively, I state, After you answer my questions, I’ll consider giving you a chance to ask yours.

She stares at me for several moments, her face unreadable, and when she does speak, she appears more confident. First, you need to believe that I didn’t know that you were alive, Breesan.

I narrow my eyes at her. You thought that I died? She nods and covers her mouth with her hand, letting out a heavy breath as tears pools in her eyes. Why would you think that I was dead?

After taking several deep breaths to calm down, she asks, May I ask you a question first? I nod cautiously, feeling my body tense up, uncertain of what she would want to know. What were you told about me?

I’m not sure if I’m comfortable telling a total stranger everything about me. Raising my chin, I add, Look, you came here, broke into my house and I don’t even know your name. How am I supposed to trust that you are who you say you are and tell you anything?

That’s fair, and smart of you. I’m not so convinced. I really should make her leave or call the cops. Why do I feel like I need to hear her story? She smiles sweetly. My name is Casandria Madison. My heart clenches as soon as she utters my mother’s name. Julia is…was my older sister. I grew up on Willow Island, so I always knew your father. It wasn’t until high school that he even knew that I existed. Brendt was a few years older. He was handsome, nice, and very popular. He had many girlfriends, and I didn’t factor into any of that. I was a book nerd and kept to myself most of the time. I nod, understanding exactly what that feels like, and Casandria’s smile drops slightly after a soft sigh. It wasn’t until senior year in high school when I was invited to a party where he was hanging out with all the other jocks that he asked a random girl to dance. She points to herself. Of course I said yes. We drank a little too much beer. She winces and averts her eyes, appearing embarrassed by her actions before adding, And then he kissed me. We didn’t start dating immediately because he was away at college, but when he came back, he asked me out. A tiny smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. Not long after my graduation, he asked me to marry him, and I was elated. I was going to marry the only man I ever loved. Keeping her eyes cast down, she clears her throat before supplying, We started an intimate relationship and soon I discovered that I was pregnant. Your dad had just left for his first deployment with the military. Shockingly, he was so happy. Actually, he couldn’t wait for you to get here. Looking directly at me she divulges, He knew that you would be a girl. He is the one who picked your name. It is a combination of our names. I remember my dad telling me about the uniqueness of my name. Her eyes sparkle while she’s sharing this part, but instantly the light fades and sadness engulfs her dark eyes. There were complications early on in my pregnancy. I was put on bed rest after my fifth month and then… she pauses while she stands, wrapping her arms around her body and walking over to the window.

Are you all right? I feel tense from the details of her story and also a little bit sorry, seeing that she is really pained by sharing her past.

Yes, I’m sorry. She nods, turning around to face me again, and I see that her eyes are swimming in unshed tears. Honey, I-I… I slide off the bed, feeling drawn to her and wanting to ease her anxiety. My head feels somewhat better so I cross the room slowly until I am standing directly in front of her. She is about six inches taller so she stares down at me. Slowly she lifts her hand, touching cool fingertips under my chin tenderly. The morning you were born I was rushed to the hospital. My water broke and you were breech. I was put to sleep so the doctor could do an emergency C-section. When I woke up, they told me you had died. She keeps her eyes locked on mine, and I watch as the pain turns over and over through them, muting the shine of the golden flecks. I couldn’t believe it and demanded to see you, but because of the surgery I couldn’t get out of the bed, and they said it was against hospital policy to bring your body to me. The next morning I insisted on seeing you. Finally they took me to the morgue. She sniffs and the tears roll down her cheeks. She drops her hand from my face to catch them with her fingertips. You were so tiny and beautiful. I held you in my arms and cried for the life that was stolen from us. It was the most heartbreaking moment of my life, Breesan. I couldn’t let you go. How could I put your little body in the ground and cover it with dirt? It wasn’t fair. A parent should never bury their child. Never. Her cries are hard now, and my own eyes begin to burn. It was so difficult for me that my stability broke. I was admitted into the psychiatric unit two days after you were born.

Casandria slumps down onto the floor and I sit with her. Taking my hand, she strokes her fingers over my palm repeatedly before intertwining them with mine. I stare at our hands, laced together and feel a surge of happiness about the possibility of her really being my mother. Her eyes hold a tremendous amount of suffering from this loss. I want to believe her, but I can’t tell if it’s the truth. Something is off about her story and what my dad told me. I need to know more.

What happened after that?

Breesan, I hesitate telling you the rest because it’s very difficult. She looks down at her lap. You may not like what I have to tell you, but I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. If we are to get through this then everything must come out. I’m not asking you to trust me yet, just hear me out. She glances at me quickly before looking down at her lap again. My feelings won’t be hurt if you can’t believe all of this today. I understand that you’ll need to verify things. I just want you to give me a chance and then do your own investigating. Please? I watch her face for any signs of deception. She looks me straight in the eye, not giving away anything. I’m so disappointed that I can’t read her better. I nod and wait for her to tell me everything.

About a month after I was admitted into the hospital, Julia came for a visit. I was surprised to see her because we never had a close relationship. She was very hateful to me most of my life. It didn’t take long for me to find out that she only came by to hurt me. Still staring at me, she says, Julia told me that Brendt never loved me and that they had been dating behind my back while I was pregnant. She said that he proposed and they would be marrying. I gasp out loud. I can’t believe that my dad could really ever love Julia. I thought he married her just because he wanted me to have a mother. Casandria’s forehead crinkles, but she continues to explain. I thought he loved me, but he never once visited. I was all alone–no family, no sisters, no husband, and was told that the baby I wanted more than anything had died. My original breakdown was nothing compared to the mental blow I took after their betrayal. Several weeks later, I woke up to find that I had been moved to the psychiatric floor in a hospital in Southampton, England. I was still just a child myself and scared out of my mind. With no money to return home, I stayed at the facility and, over time, I healed.

I’m sorry, I whisper, tightening my grip on her hand encouragingly. Casandria offers the sweetest smile, and my heart warms looking into the face of my mother.

If I had known…If I could have returned…Breesan, you must believe me. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say or how to make up for all of those years we lost. I promise you that I will do everything I can to make things right. After reading about Julia’s death on the internet, I came back for the funeral, but I think now I want to stay…for you, if you’ll just give me a chance. None of this is easy for me, so I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

I remain silent for a little while trying to process everything, but my mind and my heart are in competition against each other at the moment. Confusion about this whole scene