No Cats, No Chocolate

By Alan Russell and Ken Kuhlken

In No Cats, No Chocolate, mystery authors Ken Kuhlken and Alan Russell hit the road with high hopes and dreams of winning the fame they're convinced they deserve, as guests on a national television show. As always, they believe their failure to sell millions of books results from a conspiracy perhaps led by the competition. For evidence, read on.

The Scientific Community Is in Agreement! “There are few subjects upon which the scientific community is in agreement, and the science fiction community is just as fractious. However, when it comes to Russell and Kuhlken we all concur: We hope they fall into a wormhole, end up on the other side of a distant galaxy, and are never heard from again!” – David Brin, bestselling author of The Postman

On My Top Ten List! “My biggest regret in retiring from the FBI is that I can’t put these two jokers behind bars. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day a lynch mob stormed one of their signings, and neither would I be surprised if law enforcement turned a blind eye to the people’s justice.” – Gene Riehl, author of Quantico Rules

• Language: English
• Publisher: Publisher Hickey & McGee
• Release date: Oct 4, 2010
• ISBN: 9781466199606

Alan Russell

Critical acclaim has greeted bestselling author Alan Russell's novels from coast to coast. Publishers Weekly calls him "one of the best writers in the mystery field today." The New York Times says, "He has a gift for dialogue," while the Los Angeles Times calls him a "crime fiction rara avis." Russell's novels have ranged from whodunits to comedic capers to suspense and have been nominated for most of the major awards in crime fiction. He has been awarded a Lefty, a Critics' Choice Award, and the Odin Award for Lifetime Achievement from the San Diego Writers and Editors Guild. A California native, Russell is a former collegiate basketball player who nowadays plays under the rim. The proud father of three children, Russell resides with his wife in Southern California.

Book preview

NO CATS,

NO CHOCOLATE

by

Ken Kuhlken

&

Alan Russell

Kind Words from Bestselling Authors

Reserve a Special Place in your House for this One! Some books have a revered spot on your bookshelves. I have another spot in mind for this book, the same place where I put all books written by Kuhlken and Russell. It’s going right next to the spare roll on the shelf behind the toilet. — Michael Connelly, bestselling author of The Lincoln Lawyer

Looking for a Great Book? If you’re like me, you are always looking for a great book. Well, I am afraid you’ll have to keep looking. Mind you, No Cats, No Chocolate is not a bad book; it is a truly awful book." — John Lescroart, bestselling author of The Second Chair

In a League of their Own! In my life I have met and associated with many people that don’t fit in with mainstream society. I have written about bikers, and outlaws, and drug addled psychopaths. Let me tell you, those desperados are nothing compared to Kuhlken and Russell. When it comes to creepiness, these two are in a league of their own. Avoid mind pollution! Don’t read their words. — Barbara Seranella, bestselling author of No Human Involved.

There is Nothing like Kuhlken and Russell in the Zodiac! There are few people like Russell and Kuhlken in this world, and that is a very good thing. I have seen some bad auras in my time, but never such dark clouds as hover over them. The only other auras I have seen similar to theirs belong to Charlie Manson, John Wayne Gacy, and most of the members of Congress. — Martha Lawrence, bestselling author of Ashes of Aires

The Scientific Community Is in Agreement! There are few subjects upon which the scientific community is in agreement, and the science fiction community is just as fractious. However, when it comes to Russell and Kuhlken we all concur: We hope they fall into a wormhole, end up on the other side of a distant galaxy, and are never heard from again! — David Brin, bestselling author of The Postman

On My Top Ten List! "My biggest regret in retiring from the FBI is that I can’t put these two jokers behind bars. Kuhlken and Russell’s No Cats, No Chocolate, is the latest of many frauds they’ve perpetuated on an unsuspecting American public. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day a lynch mob stormed one of their signings, and neither would I be surprised if law enforcement turned a blind eye to the people’s justice." — Gene Riehl, bestselling author of Quantico Rules

Copyright 2004, Hickey's Books

Illustrations by Darren Mentone

Cover by Darcy Mentone

Smashwords Edition Published by Hickey Books

www.hickeybooks.com

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NO CATS,

NO CHOCOLATE

Chapter One: The Seduction Scene

I am going to sue your ass, Kuhlken.

I hear him breathing on the other end of the line, so I know he’s still alive. At Ken’s age you have to check. What for this time? he asks.

I finally took a look at your website.

It’s been up and running for four years, he says, sounding rather indignant.

"I’ve been busy. Anyway, while looking at all your lies and propaganda what did I find but the text for Road Kill. I wrote more than two-thirds of that story.

Yeah? Well, the one-third I wrote is the only good stuff in there.

I can see you’re already positioning your defense for when I sue you.

What are you talking about?

Dim cap, I say. They might find you innocent if you can prove diminished capacity, and for you that shouldn’t be a problem.

Kuhlken doesn’t argue. He knows he can’t. What’s the big deal? he asks. So I put our story on my web site.

I get a twenty-five cent royalty for every copy of that book that’s sold. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?

Hmmm, Kuhlken says, you’re not quite so cheap that you’d worry about three or four dollars a year. What’s really bothering you?

"Well, one thing ― what you did with my name was really cute."

Kuhlken feigns ignorance. He does ignorance very well. What are you talking about?

All those ways you spell Alan. Of course you never spell it A-L-A-N. Throughout the story you alternate between Allen, Allan, and Alien. You seem to prefer the last.

It must have been the typesetter’s fault. Or maybe the editor’s.

What about Russell? I ask. You spelled it Rustle, Russel, and Russet. In one place you refer to me as Alien Rustle. You made me sound like some kind of extraterrestrial body snatcher.

Is that so? You ever stop to think you can have a slip of the pen just like you can have a slip of the tongue?

It was my turn to feign ignorance. I don’t do ignorance as well as Kuhlken.

Remember your television interview? he asks.

There have been so many.

June tenth of 2002, says Kuhlken. "Six twenty-two in the morning. You were sitting in the downtown San Diego NBC studio acting like a carnie barker, lifting up your book Exposure to the camera at every opportunity. It was like having to endure a flasher opening and closing his raincoat."

I remember it differently. I was having a high-brow literary discussion with the anchor.

You were peddling your book like a gaudy streetwalker peddles her wares.

I resent that implication."

You’re right, says Kuhlken. I am doing a disservice to streetwalkers everywhere.

I bow to your expertise.

And during your shameless promotion you mentioned a book-signing we were doing that day. On the first go-around you said, ‘Today at 5:30 I will be appearing with Ben Killken.’ And when you said those words you paused and smiled at the camera.

You’re supposed to smile at the camera.

Not like that. You knew I was watching.

You’re getting old, Ben, I say. You probably heard things.

Yeah, what I heard a few minutes later was your bringing up our signing a second time, but this time you identified me as Zen Coolken. And when you said the name Zen Coolken you positively smirked.

It’s a well known fact that the camera adds ten pounds. Some of that poundage ends up in the facial area. That must have been the smirk you saw.

What about that wink right after you said Zen Coolken? That was about as subtle as flipping me off. So, as for our story, if your name accidentally got misspelled …

"… In one hundred and thirty-two places …

… All I can say is, ‘Quid pro quo, Clarisse.’

I decide to let bygones be bygones. Tens of thousands of groggy San Diegans had to have heard me massacre Kuhlken’s name.

You’re right, I say, I guess I shouldn’t be upset, seeing as I am probably the only person who has ever looked at your web site.

Is that so?

Kuhlken sounds too pleased with himself. In my mind’s eye I can see his facial expression. I know that his smirk is even larger than the one I dropped on him after making my Zen Coolken announcement.

Someone read my web site, he says. Someone read our story. I was just going to call you with the news. I can’t believe it myself.

Ken is a man of faith, but in matters other than spiritual he is no longer much of a believer. One could even call him a fatalist. The glass is half-empty, and more than that, what’s left is evaporating fast. Ken’s pessimistic view stems from his