Jesus Hit Me!: And Other Things I've Heard Between the Pulpit and the Pew

By Tim Throckmorton

Every week I have the tremendous honor of communicating the message of the gospel to many people in many ways. The worship center at church, the classroom setting and through the medium of print. The first time I was asked to write a column I was challenged and a bit skeptical that they were talking to the right guy! Tell a story they said. Tell the reader what you are thinking and while you’re at it pepper the column with a bit of biblical principle. Hey you’re a preacher, this should be easy as pie. Pie? I don’t even like pie! It wasn’t long however before I was hooked. The stories, funny ones mostly were happening all around me as a Pastor and often as the title of this book declares, “Jesus Hit Me!” Got my attention I mean. Through the experiences of the pastorate, and just life for that matter, the Lord grabs our attention.

For the last eleven years every week I have put together a word or two reflecting my life, my experiences and my thought and as always the afore mentioned peppering of biblical principles.

Contained herein is a compilation of ministry experiences from the pulpit to the pew and beyond. I hope you enjoy the stories, which are all true and a bit embarrassing to yours truly. I trust you appreciate the real life that is shared and I pray you will glean life lessons and biblical insight to help you along your way. Oh, and if you get hit, learn something!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dust Jacket Press
• Release date: Dec 10, 2013
• ISBN: 9781937602970

Book preview

Copyright ©2014 by Tim Throckmorton

JESUS HIT ME! And Other Things I’ve Heard Between the Pulpit and the Pews/ Tim Throckmorton

Electronically published by DustJacket Press at Smashwords

eBook ISBN: 978-1-937602-97-0

www.DustJacket.com [e-mail]

Cover and Interior Design by D.E. West/ DustJacket

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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Word from the Author

Every week I have the tremendous honor of communicating the message of the gospel to many people in many ways. The worship center at church, the classroom setting and through the medium of print. The first time I was asked to write a column I was challenged and a bit skeptical that they were talking to the right guy! Tell a story they said. Tell the reader what you are thinking and while you’re at the pepper the column with a bit of biblical principle. Hey you’re a preacher, this should be easy as pie. Pie? I don’t even like pie! It wasn’t long however before I was hooked. The stories, funny ones mostly were happening all around me as a Pastor and often as the title of this book declares, Jesus Hit Me! Got my attention I mean. Through the experiences of the pastorate, and just life for that matter, the Lord grabs our attention. For the last eleven years every week I have put together a word or two reflecting my life, my experiences and my thought and as always the afore mentioned peppering of biblical principles. Contained herein is a compilation of ministry experiences from the pulpit to the pew and beyond. I hope you enjoy the stories, which are all true and a bit embarrassing to yours truly. I trust you appreciate the real life that is shared and I pray you will glean life lessons and biblical insight to help you along the way. Oh, and if you get hit, learn something!

Special Thanks

Special thanks…To my wife Terri

Once in a lifetime, namely mine there comes a bond this side of heaven that is stronger and more meaningful than any other. From the first day I walked her to the bus at Northwest High School to last time she smiled at me today I stand in awe of this blessing that has made my life richer and my heart stronger. Each week she willingly proofreads my ramblings, listens to the sermons I preach, sometimes three times on Sunday. Still after 32 years together as she puts her hand in mine all of life makes sense.

Endorsements

Tim has a healthy sense of humor that will delight anyone needing a faith lift! Read this book and dark clouds will roll away and God’s sunshine will brighten your day. Plus, buy one for someone you know that needs to laugh more.

Stan Toler

Speaker & Bestselling Author

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

"Brother Tim has reminded me that The Lord has a ‘Gentle Left Jab’ and a ‘Gracious Right Hook’ when it comes to getting our attention so that we can Win The Fight with Faith’s Fundamentals!

Get yourself a cup of coffee and enjoy some insights from The Rev’s corner so that you won’t be ‘Sucker Punched’ in the ring of life!!"

Dr. Dennis Swanberg,

America’s Minister of Encouragement

Tim Throckmorton shares humor and common sense applications for every day living in his fun filled easy to read writings. This is a must read for those who want to laugh and learn.

Dr. Mark Smith,

President Ohio Christian University

Contents

Cover

Title

Copyrights

Word from the Author

Special Thanks

Endorsements

Part One: It Happened One Sunday

Chapter One: Jesus Hit Me!

Chapter Two: What Maycee Sees in Me

Chapter Three: A Car Batter in Jesus’ Name

Chapter Four: I Know That Guy Up There!

Chapter Five: Are You a Pillar or a Post?

Chapter Six: Scar Prevention

Chapter Seven: Honest Praise

Chapter Eight: What Stephanie Said to me

Chapter Nine: Thanks, Baby Luke

Chapter Ten: The Character of Kindness

Chapter Eleven: This Could Be Bad

Chapter Twelve: When You’re Talking to Everybody and Don’t Know It!

Chapter Thirteen: Driving Ms. Maycee

Part Two: The Church Office: I Love Ministry

Chapter Fourteen: Is That My Cell Phone or Am I Just Hungry?

Chapter Fifteen: Me Worry?

Chapter Sixteen: Oh, No, You Didn’t!

Chapter Seventeen: Voice Dialing Woes

Chapter Eighteen: You’re Not the Boss of Me!

Chapter Nineteen: A Way With Words

Chapter Twenty: An Inconvenient Truth…About God

Chapter Twenty-one: Living Like Russ!

Chapter Twenty-two: For the Love of Atheists Everywhere!

Chapter Twenty-three: Gravy On Your Touch Pad

Part Three: On the Road Again!

Chapter Twenty-four: I Think I’d Better Call Home

Chapter Twenty-five: Is Your Belt Fastened?

Chapter Twenty-six: Now Boarding Flight 6632 to Chicago O’Hare

Chapter Twenty-seven: I want to Sit Up Front

Chapter Twenty-eight: Somebody is Watching…My Car!

Chapter Twenty-nine: Sure Hope Nobody Was Looking

Chapter Thirty: Traveling in Style

Chapter Thirty-one: An Attitude of Gratitude

Chapter Thirty-two: As I See It

Chapter Thirty-three: Bumper Sticker Theology

Chapter Thirty-four: Do I Have To?

Chapter Thirty-five: Do You Have the Time?

Chapter Thirty-six: Don’t Be Sorry, Ma’am

Chapter Thirty-seven: How Many Bars You Got?

Part Four: Home Sweet Home: The Parsonage

Chapter Thirty-eight: If Chili Dawgs Bark at Night Then Egg Rolls Howl!

Chapter Thirty-nine: Moments in Time

Chapter Forty: I’m My Own Grandpa

Chapter Forty-one: The Great Coffee Caper

Chapter Forty-two: The Incredible Reach of Love

Chapter Forty-three: The Lord of the Things

Chapter Forty-four: What Happens Here Stays Here

Chapter Forty-five: Ah, Do You Remember These?

Chapter Forty-six: Who? Me Read Directions?

Chapter Forty-seven: How Are You Looking Today?

Notes

Part One

It Happened One Sunday

Chapter One

Jesus Hit Me!

A sweet little girl began attending our church. Micaela was her name. On a Wednesday evening as my wife Terri was holding her, she began to look around and ask, Where is Jesus? Terri looked around and asked Micaela, Where did you see Jesus? About that time I got up to preach, and she exclaimed while pointing to me, There he is! Terri and the others chuckled quietly. They tried to explain to this precious little girl who Jesus was and that I wasn’t him. She had never been to church before so we can only guess that it was my constant reference to Jesus in preaching and in prayer that led her to assume that I was Jesus. After the service, Terri told me what had happened. I laughed too until a sobering thought hit me. What if I were the only Jesus people see? Are my words the words Jesus would say? Are my thoughts the thoughts Jesus would think? Is my life the life Jesus would live? It was a challenge presented through the questioning mind of a little girl, a girl who was about to teach me another lesson.

It was a Sunday morning, and the service had ended. Terri and I were in the crowded foyer, shaking hands and greeting visitors. I had noticed Micaela drifting in and out around us but hadn’t paid much attention to where she was until I dropped my hand to my side and hit her squarely in the nose. It was a hard enough tap to let me know I had hurt her. She immediately began to cry from the blow delivered by her pastor, the person she had begun to look up to. She ran off through the crowd to find her mommy, all the while crying aloud, you guessed it, (Jesus hit me!) Well, little Micaela was just fine. Certain folks got quite the belly laugh out of the incident, but I began to ponder seriously on it. Jesus hit me sounds strange when you say it, doesn’t it? Has there ever been a time in your life when you were just standing there, minding your own business, and the Lord seemed to pop you one in the nose? If your name were Jonah, you’d say, I can testify to that.

We truly don’t understand the book that bears his name until we come to understand Jonah himself. He was a preacher with a plan. He had his plan, he knew his plan, and he was more than willing to carry out his plan. God’s plan was for Jonah to go to Nineveh. Remember God told him point blank to do this because God had purposed in his heart to spare the Ninevites if they would only turn to Him. Here is where the plans of God and man began to go astray. Jonah, because of what the Ninevites had done to his people in the past, wasn’t sure that he should follow what God had laid out before him. So he ran, from God, from God’s will, from God’s plan, and soon, he ended up in a place where it was only possible to look up. He was at the bottom of the sea in the belly of a fish! Then God reminded him of HIS plan: to go to the people of Nineveh and to share his plan of forgiveness with them. He did just that. God even tremendously blessed his reluctant obedience, and the entire city of Nineveh was spared.

Now that we have dropped the hammer on old Jonah, let’s just think back to how pliable we are whenever God tries to move us out of our routines of ministry to do some great, new thing for Him. I had a plan. Oh boy! Did I have a plan. I was a department store manager, one of the youngest in the chain, a multi-million dollar facility, many employees, status, and money. But, I also had a call to preach. How could I fit this all together? The career had to be up there at the top somewhere along with my family and, of course, with God. The preaching, the ministry, would just have to fit in somewhere. I know, an evangelist. I’m supposed to be an evangelist. I’d seen them, lots of them. They travel a great deal. That sounds like fun. They preach hard to folks they’ve never met and may never meet again. Then they’re gone to do whatever, prepare more messages I guessed. Ok, God, I think I’ll be an evangelist. That was my plan. It worked for a while, kind of like Jonah walking down to book passage on the ship to Tarshish, thinking he was still in control.

Jonah 1:4 says,But the Lord sent out a great wind into the sea. He did it! God sent out the storm. My storm came in the form of clouds of disillusionment from the failings of a trusted church leader. Then the waves struck my ship in the form of a radio announcement I heard on the way to work one morning. The Big Bear Company announced today that they will be closing all remaining Harts Department Stores within the next few months. I was out of a career. Now you may be thinking, hey, bad things happen to good people. I agree 100 percent, but during these events God was speaking to me in ways I had never experienced before. The safe trappings of my career had fallen away. A dear friend had made a series of bad decisions and had changed my view of the ministry I was involved in. Nothing was the same anymore. But God, His love, and His comfort in those trying days strengthened my marriage, my home, and, most of all, my faith. Now, in no way am I suggesting that all of us have to spend time in the belly of a great fish to find ourselves aligned with God’s perfect will for our lives. Some folks listen a little more closely or are a bit more obedient than others. But, I am declaring that if and when Jesus hits us, it is always in our favor, to point us in the right direction. Ouch and Amen!

Chapter Two

What Maycee Sees in Me

One of the precious flowers in the church we had the honor to pastor in Southern Ohio for many years was a darling little girl by the name of Maycee Burnside. The love and adoration of her parents, is eclipsed only by the love of her grandparents, Poppy and Nanna Moore. Now Miss Maycee is the picture of innocence and simplicity. From time to time when her pastor forgets to hug her on Sunday mornings, she will take Poppy by the hand and scour the sanctuary, marching to the platform if need be, to retrieve a hug from her pastor. That would be me! She sees life through the eyes of a child, a view most of us have long since forgotten but should be reminded of from time to time. One of Maycee’s recent observations hit me pretty hard and challenged me to be more aware of what others see in me.

It was during a Sunday morning service, and we had a special musical guest joining us at the church. After making the proper introductions and bringing them to the stage, I spotted my sweet wife Terri sitting in the back row. I made my way