TwiLITE A Parody

By Sue Knott

This parody skewers the best-selling novel about the sparkly undead. Whether you're a "Twilight" lover or hater, you'll laugh out loud. Readers have raved:
"GOLD!"
"I love Twilight. But I swear I think I almost love this even more."
"This was hilarious!"
"boi i luv this book!! amazing"

"Twilight" readers will enjoy the dry humor and subtle commentary on that best seller's view of the world. (If you haven't read "Twilight," you'll just say, "Hunh?" If you've seen the movie, but haven't read the book, we're not sure what you'll think...let us know!)

Do not confuse this parody with fan fiction. This is a true parody. It follows Stephenie's book non-event by non-event, exposing the ridiculous every step of the way. Its stars are Edward Sullen and Bella Swoon, and boy is she clumsy.

Because author, Sue Knott, believes Twilight's endless descriptive passages of vampire hunkieness could not possibly be rendered more absurd, only the "meat" of the original novel is mocked. That makes this parody blessedly shorter than the lengthy vampire tome it skewers...but you'll wish there were more!

This is the perfect gift for friends who don't understand why you don't like Twilight.

Read it. Laugh. And come back to share your review.

Here's a peek at the preface:

I’d given a lot of thought to how I would like to die. And this was probably going to be as close to perfect as I could get.

I was going to die a noble death. Saving my boyfriend and his family, who were all already dead, from the threat of a second death...or at least from a good thrashing. How could you get any nobler than that?

And the guy crossing the room to kill me? He was a sadistic nutcase who was going to film the whole thing so my undead boyfriend and his undead family could see for themselves how truly noble I was.

The killer smiled as he approached. And I smiled back...straight into the camera...whispering “Edward, I love you” with just the right amount of longing, bravery and selflessness.

Edward Sullen was to die for. And that was exactly what I was about to do.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Sue Knott
• Release date: Jul 28, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465972323

Sue Knott

Sue Knott is the doting mother of a teen son and the long-suffering wife of an equally long-suffering (but much crankier) husband. She has also been “mom” to a bunny (now deceased) and an extremely energetic pooch.She has had a varied and successful career as an advertising copywriter. She has lived in Pittsburgh, PA; NYC; LaCrosse, WI; Scranton, PA; and currently makes her home in upstate NY. Occasionally she tries her hand at stand-up comedy, though she is in complete and total terror whenever she takes the stage.Ms. Knott knows she must do some wild and whacky things to promote her books and is totally dreading putting herself “out there” in the public eye. She asks everyone to please try to overlook her bulges and wrinkles. (Sun damage from the ‘70s...who knew?)Sue is an avid gardener and wishes she had time to pursue craft projects (or even just to clean her house). She also desperately wishes for you to post reviews and tell all your friends about her book(s).Sue Knott sincerely hopes that the author of the book that inspired her parody does not in any way take personal offense. Sue offers her lampooning with great admiration for the empire said author has built and with the affection she believes is due every human being. (Truth be told, Sue’s sarcastic wit is much sharper when wielded against her own husband and she hopes to stay in his good graces as well.)Sue has a sweet tooth. She wears a size 9 shoe. She collects art glass. She recycles. She sewed her own wedding gown (big mistake). She revels in the outdoors and longs to be on the beach. She prattles on at the keyboard. She is a safety nutcase. And she loves to Zumba.

Book preview

TwiLITE

A Parody

By Sue Knott

©2008 by Theresa Fleig

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords License Statement

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each reader. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published by Theresa Fleig

All characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to any real persons, living, dead or undead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

The book is in no way associated with the popular novel it attempts to lampoon. Ms. Meyer did not write, sanction or in any way approve this parody. (We sincerely hope she does not wish to thrash us.) Nor is this parody in any way associated with Ms. Meyer’s esteemed publisher.

TwiLITE: A Parody/by Sue Knott – 4th edition, 2012

(First Electronic Edition: December 2008)

She seems to have an invisible touch.

Yeah. It takes control and slowly tears you apart.

Genesis 19:86

Preface

I’d given a lot of thought to how I would like to die. And this was probably going to be as close to perfect as I could get.

I was going to die a noble death. Saving my boyfriend and his family, who were all already dead, from the threat of a second death…or at least from a good thrashing. How could you get any nobler than that?

And the guy crossing the room to kill me? He was a sadistic nutcase who was going to film the whole thing so my undead boyfriend and his undead family could see for themselves how truly noble I was.

The killer smiled as he approached. And I smiled back…straight into the camera…whispering Edward, I love you with just the right amount of longing, bravery and selflessness.

Edward Sullen was to die for. And that was exactly what I was about to do.

First Sigh

My mother drove me to the airport with the windows down. It was sunny. It was beautiful. It was Phoenix, damn it. One of the most awesome cities anywhere. We had great weather. Sure, I was so pale I’d fry like a wiener on a grill after just five minutes outside, but that’s not the point. The point was that Phoenix was incredible. All the kids were cool. They wore the right clothes. Phoenix had all the coolest stores.

Obviously I have too much maturity to care about wearing the right clothes, but you need to know that the other kids in Phoenix do wear the right clothes. If you didn’t know this, how could you begin to understand all the great stuff I was giving up by leaving Phoenix? Phoenix was all that, or at least that’s what I’d call it if the woman writing my dialogue wasn’t practically middle aged.

But, to get back to the part about leaving Phoenix, that’s exactly what I, Bella (which means beauty, belle, sweetheart) Swoon was about to do. Leave the awesomeness of Phoenix for the gruesomeness of Forks.

Forks was the opposite of Phoenix. Phoenix was a big city. Forks was a small town. Phoenix was sunny and warm. Forks was rainy and cold. (It was in Washington State, for crying out loud!) My zany, fun-loving mother lived in Phoenix. My boring, law-enforcing father lived in Forks. Phoenix began with the f sound. Forks began with an actual friggin’ F.

Yet, as miserable as Forks was, I, Bella Swoon, was voluntarily banishing myself there. It’s true. I was making this inhumanly tortuous choice as a selfless sacrifice to my mother’s happiness. That’s the kind of girl I am. Selfless to the core.

You see, my mother married a hottie. She was staying home with me instead of traveling with him. So I volunteered – no, I insisted – on going to live with my father in Forks so my mother could go on the road with her hot, new husband.

That’s the kind of girl I am. You’d think someone as selfless as me would have a really, really close BFF, but I don’t. Maybe that’s because my mom is my best friend, even if I don’t tell her anything about what’s really going on in my life. I mean, best friend or not, she’s still my mother.

To make a long opening a little more tolerably short, I was damning myself to veritable exile in a veritable Siberia.

When I arrived in Forks it was raining. (Of course, duh!) I had a long, dreary, two-hour ride to my new home. (Forks really puts the back in backwoods.) But, fortunately, the ride was the perfect length to reveal that I was really, really clumsy. As faults go, it’s a rather charming one, don’t you think? And it will come in handy in such a very short while – but, I’m getting ahead of myself.

I went to bed early that first night because I was sooo dreading the next day – which would be my first day at Forks High School. You know how catty high school girls can be. And it was a small town, so everyone would be staring at me. It was going to be just awful. Just like everything in Forks was just awful. Man, I’m majorly selfless.

I drove to school the next day in the very big, very old pick-up truck my father (whom I call Charlie behind his back, to establish the fact that I’m not a total dweeb) gave me. Of course, it was really cloudy and really rainy. (I’m rather