A Place for Your Heart

By Jeffrey Laxton

A Place for Your Heart is a luminous and uplifting story that explores the true meaning of love and hope. In the hands of this talented new writer, the story of one woman’s heartache and tragedy is transformed into a novel about love, hope, joy, healing and forgiveness.

Diane Arnold seemed to have it all, a career as a registered nurse, a great marriage, three wonderful children and a long-time best friend. A drive home one night in an ice storm changed everything. A horrific car accident that kills her daughter brings Diane through a near-death experience in the ambulance on the way to the hospital that turns her world inside out.

With help from her best friend, her family and a caring psychiatrist, she begins her long road to recovery. Embarking on a journey of self-discovery through the memories of times, places, and people who brought her the most comfort in her past she slowly begins to heal.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jeffrey Laxton
• Release date: May 14, 2011
• ISBN: 9781458173447

Book preview

A Place for Your Heart

Published by Jeffrey A. Laxton

Copyright 2012

Jeffrey A. Laxton

Smashword Edition License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

For my wife and son, for their love and support.

For my aunt Mary, for her inspirational words.

For my parents, who did not live to see the final completion this book.

I leave them a poem:

Missing You

Words, still the darkness of your eternal light;

Images fill the void of your hastened absence;

Thoughts moving me through the canals of your enduring spirits;

Brightening my memories of you…

Heartless suffering for everlasting love;

Anxious impatience to reminisce with past souls;

Loneliness slung away for a brighter light;

Guiding you into the arms of our saviour…

Clairvoyant dreams existing in due time;

Distant from the likes of you and me;

Our love strengthened from this celestial golden thread;

Tying us to each other’s love for eternity

Chapter 1

Good I see you made it, Anny said, approaching me from her office.

She went to get us coffee. I stood up from the wheelchair and looked down at a thick deep cushioned, wooden arm chair, upholstered with a dark red velvet fabric. I sat down in the chair to wait for her to return. My eyes were drawn to a tiny table, nestled in the corner of the room, facing her desk.

I see you’ve found the chair, Anny said. All my patients choose this one over the other.

She handed me a cup of coffee then she sat on her drab coloured metal office chair. She swung it around with her feet to face me.

Now how’s that, a nice hot cup of coffee and a really comfy chair.

I smiled briefly, hoping she would not get the impression I wasn’t ready to tell her my life story. She sat quietly staring at me, sipping her coffee, holding the mug firmly with both hands. I stared back at her, hoping to break her concentration so she would be the first to look away. It didn’t happen. She continued to stare at me with a stupid look on her face. The telephone on her desk rang loudly, but she didn’t answer it. She let it ring. I counted ten rings before it finally stopped. She continued to sip her coffee, smirking at me, but I didn’t flinch, until her receptionist entered the room, distracting both of us from our quiet game.

It’s an emergency. Dr. Miller needs to speak to you right away, she said anxiously.

Anny stood up calmly and placed her coffee on the desk. She turned to me and said, Will you please excuse me. I need to take this call in the other room. You can stay here and finish your coffee. I’ll be back as soon as I can. There’s a magazine on the table if you want to read something.

I nodded.

I sat back in the chair not anxious for her to return. I wanted to win the game that was so rudely interrupted by her receptionist. I rested my head against the back of the chair searching the room for tiny clues about the person I was dealing with. Two large picture frames hung on the adjacent wall next to me displaying her Bachelor of Science degree from McMaster University and a Medical degree from the University of Toronto. She was definitely well educated, however, degrees don’t make a person — intelligence and experience do.

I continued to scan the room.

Tiny picture frames on the shelf beside her desk, displayed pictures of three very cute children. I wondered if they were hers. They looked happy and well loved. Internalizing this feeling, I tried to visualize the pictures of Susan, Michael and Cheryl sitting on the mantle over the fireplace in my living room. They look happy and loved too!

My mind focused on Susan’s picture, the one that was taken three years ago at a cottage in Sauble Beach, northwest of Toronto. Her young beautiful face, full of life, stares happily back at me. This was her favourite picture, the one she posed for in her favourite red bathing suit that showed off her tan.

I remember taking the children to a local trampoline park outfitted with eight small rectangular trampolines lying side-by-side on a large wooden deck. The children played for hours jumping from one trampoline to another. The trampolines were installed close enough and had enough padding that jumping from one to another was safe.

Susan’s long slim body caught the eye of several boys her own age, who were showing off in front of her, jumping haphazardly from one trampoline to the other, preventing other children from playing. She wasn’t impressed saying, Immature boys know little of love and commitment.

Susan was all about that. She grew up quickly, learning responsibility at a young age from having to take care of her younger siblings.

Mom, I’d like to marry a man some day that has all the attributes dad has, she said, just as we were about to leave.

Thank you, I said with a hug. I’m glad your father and I have been great role models for you. But, don’t set your sights too high or no one will be able to live up to your expectations, not even you!

She laughed.

I felt sorry for the boys at the trampoline park. They had a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do to attract her attention.

Suddenly thinking of Susan made me angry. I sat up abruptly and dropped my coffee on the floor. I screamed.

Anny’s receptionist hurried into the room.

Is everything okay, Mrs. Arnold?

Yes. I’m afraid I spilled my coffee on myself and the floor.

You scared the heck out of me! I thought something was wrong. Don’t worry, I’ll have it cleaned up in a jiffy, she said leaving the room.

She returned shortly with a sponge and cleaning fluid.

I feel so silly, I said.

Don’t be. This happens at least a couple times a month. It seems everyone who sits in this chair does the same thing. I think it’s jinxed.

We both laughed.

There. It’s all cleaned up. Can I get you another cup of coffee?

No I think spilling one today is enough. Thanks anyway.

Anny will be back shortly.

That’s okay. I’ll just sit here and wait for her.

After the receptionist left the room, I sat back in the chair and dozed off.

Wake up Diane, Anny said, nudging my shoulder.

How long have I been asleep?

Not too long. I’m sorry I left you here alone for so long, but there was an emergency in the ER. Everything’s fine now.

I was tired and needed some rest anyway.

This has been a real experience for you, hasn’t it? she said as she sat down in her chair.

What do you mean?

Well… your stay in the hospital.

I guess so. I haven’t really thought about it much.

What have you thought about since waking up from your operation?

I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it right now.

Why not? she asked.

I just don’t feel like it!

I was stressed emotionally and I didn’t want her to see how much. I closed my eyes and sat quietly, focusing my mind on happier thoughts. I heard Anny sit back in her chair, apparently unaffected by what was happening. I opened my eyes a little to see her sitting there with her hands clasped together in her lap, not showing any emotion, just a stupid smile on her face. She stressed me sitting there, knowing all too well that I would eventually have to speak. I opened my eyes fully, piercing deeply into hers, hoping she would react, but she didn’t. I knew then she played a great game. It wouldn’t be easy to break her. Then I thought about how childish it was for me to behave this way in my futile attempt to play a game I knew I couldn’t win. Then all of a sudden I felt a tickle in my throat. God don’t let me cough now, I thought. I tried to suppress it by swallowing several times, but it made it worse. Finally, I just couldn’t hold on any longer. I coughed.

Do you need a tissue? Anny asked.

I shook my head.

Do you want a glass of water?

Again, no.

Can I get you anything else? she said, trying to make me speak.

Boy, she’s good, I thought. I stayed silent.

When do you want to leave the hospital? she asked.

If I respond, I’ll lose the game.

I need to know because I have to schedule you for more appointments after you leave the hospital. My calendar’s getting full.

You’re really good aren’t you, I thought. You’ll grasp at anything just to win!

Noticing I wasn’t going to speak she said, Our session is almost over. I can tell by your unwillingness to speak that we don’t need to continue. How about we try again tomorrow at the same time? Is that okay with you?

I nodded.

Fine, I’ll have my receptionist call a porter to take you back to your room. I need to leave now because I have another appointment upstairs. You can sit here until the porter comes.

Anny stood up and touched my shoulder affectionately.

I’ll see you tomorrow, she said before leaving the room.

A porter arrived a few minutes later and took me back to my room. Before he left he helped me into bed. I turned on my side and closed my eyes, thinking about how I ended up here. My mind filled with memories of the weeks leading up to the accident.

Chapter 2

It was Saturday morning. I could hear John laughing with the children in the living room.

Diane, you up yet? he said, yelling up to me from the bottom of the stairs.

I rolled off the bed and walked into the bathroom. I stopped at the counter to brush my hair. Joe entered the room.

Are you going to the health club today with Lisa?

Yes I am. Why? I said, staring at him through the reflection in the mirror.

You don’t mind if I tag along with you?

I don’t mind. Can you call your parents to see if they’ll look after the children for us?

Sure, he said as he left the room.

Saturday is a normally busy day for us. I’m busy doing laundry and cleaning the house while John drives the children from one place to the next. Today was unusual. We were going to do something together. The telephone rang. My best friend Lisa was calling to arrange for a time to meet at the club. We agreed to meet there at noon.

We need to hurry John, I said, stuffing my exercise clothes into my gym bag.

John rounded up the children and we dropped them off at his parent’s house along the way. I grabbed his hand when he got back into the car and started rubbing his fingers gently. He turned to me, smiling affectionately. I laid my head back against the headrest thinking about the first time we had met.

Lisa and I had just finished paying our bill before walking out the front door of a restaurant. I walked ahead of her. As soon as I stepped through the door and onto the sidewalk, someone ran into me, knocking me to the ground. I looked up and saw a very attractive, athletic looking young man hovering over me, apologizing profusely. He introduced himself while carefully helping me to my feet. He offered to buy Lisa and me a cup of coffee.

You can join us if you want, I said, rolling my eyes at Lisa.

Thanks, but no thanks. I’m meeting my mother at the Eaton’s center today at three. You two can go by yourselves.

Call me tomorrow, I said, winking at her as she left.

John walked me to a nearby coffee shop, which was a trendy hangout for university students. We talked for hours. I longed to stay with him but I had to leave.

I said, I need to go. My mother needs me home by 5:00 to help with dinner.

He accompanied me most of the way on the bus and asked if he could call me the next day. I wrote down my telephone number on the back of my bus ticket before giving it to him. After that, we started dating.

Are you okay, John said with a concerned voice.I just asked you a question, but you didn’t answer me.

I’m sorry. I was thinking about the time when we first met. You know, when you knocked me to the ground and we went for coffee.

Yes, I remember. It was great!

What knocking me down?

No, the coffee part!

He let go of my hand, placing his on my shoulder.

I really miss those days, I said affectionately.

I miss them too! he said, gently stroking my chin with the back of his hand.

We arrived at the health club ten minutes late. It was just as I thought. The place was packed with weekend warriors, struggling to burn off calories from their self-indulgences. We walked toward the running track maneuvering through the crowd to get to the change rooms. I hurried through the change room door and saw Lisa standing beside her locker already dressed in her form fitting gym clothes. She was in great shape for a forty-year-old woman, giving everyone the impression of being young, beautiful and healthy. No one would ever guess that she’s vice-president of commercial loans at a prominent bank, still single and looking for the man of her dreams. Being driven and intelligent, maybe too intelligent, inhibits most men from calling her back for a second date.

Hi Diane, I came early to sign up for this week’s squash tournament. How about you? Are you signing up for it too?

No I’m busy this week, I said, throwing my gym bag onto the bench in front of her.

We finished dressing and headed out to the running track. John was already running laps around the track. I waived at him. He waived back, but didn’t stop. I found a place in the center of the track to warm up. Ten minutes later after doing some serious stretching with Lisa, we ran onto the track, running about two laps before she mumbled, I hate these running shoes. They give me blisters on the back of my heels.

Well why do you wear them if they hurt you so much? I said sarcastically.

They match my outfit, of course! she said, scrunching her eyes as if to say, why would you ask such a stupid question?

John came up from behind and spanked me hard on the bum.

Hey that hurt, I yelled to him after he passed.

It’s so nice to have someone like John who loves you like he does, Lisa said enviously.

Her comment made me think about how lucky I am to have had a marriage last as long as it has. Most of my friends are either single, divorced or on their second and third marriages. I remember my mother once telling me that there’s no greater gift in life than having someone love you for an entire lifetime. She was right. Loving John has given me more pleasure than I ever thought possible.

Lisa and I kept running. My body was tiring easily from the strain of keeping up with her. I glanced at the wall clock facing the end of the track, calculating an eight-minute mile. I used to run the same distance in six minutes before getting married. My leg muscles ached; my punishment from lacking exercise for the last ten years. I hated getting older.

Diane, look at that guy over there. Every time he runs by us, he sucks his stomach in, like we can’t see how fat he is. Look he stopped.

The man left the track to lean against a nearby wall to watch us. In unison we ran by him, swinging our hips at him. His eyes lit up.

What an asshole, Lisa said, staring him down as she ran by him. Why do men think that women would be attracted to a fat guy leaning against a wall?

The male ego of course! I said.

Lisa countered, Even out of shape, balding, fat men think their God’s gift to women.

We laughed, scowling at him every time we ran another lap.

Are you doing anything tonight? Lisa asked.

John has his annual Christmas party. It’s the most important social event of the year for his boss. We have to go.

We can get together another time, she said, looking disappointed.

I knew she was feeling lonely, but I also knew she understood that John’s party was important to me.

We continued around the track for another twenty minutes. I felt tired and signaled to John that I wanted to leave. He acknowledged me by heading straight for the men’s change room. I ran off the track toward the women’s change room. Lisa followed. We showered before changing into our street clothes. I said goodbye to her and went to wait for John in the front lobby.

I stood alone beside the front door when the same guy who ogled us earlier, came up to me.

Hi. My name’s Giorgio. I saw you on the track earlier. I thought I’d come over and invite you out for a drink.

I laughed, What makes you think I would be interested in having a drink with you?

Standing in front of me with a smirk on his face he said, I take a lot of women from the club out for a drink. I thought I’d give you a chance to get to know me, after all, we both like working out here.

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head in disbelief.

You think highly of yourself, don’t you? I said sarcastically.

You have it all wrong, he said. I’m a great guy and if you have a drink with me, you’ll see for yourself.

I could see John approaching us from the corner of my eye. I waited for him to join us.

Who’s this? he said, standing next to me.

This man just asked me out for a drink. He says he’s a great guy and that I should have a drink with him to find out for myself.

John put himself between the man and me, pressing his face against his. I’m a great guy too. Do you want to see which one of us is greater?

The man looked at me then back at him. He stood motionless, contemplating what to say next. He took a step back and said, You win!

He turned around and walked away from us as if we didn’t matter.

That pompous asshole, John said, watching him walk away. If he tries this again, I want to know. You will tell me won’t you?

I will, I said knowing all too well that I would never tell him for fear of what he would do. John has a temper, especially when being provoked.

One day we were walking in a mall, holding hands, doing some Christmas shopping. After walking past a small kiosk, a young man with glazed eyes, wearing a black leather jacket and pants, walked directly into us, breaking our hands apart, and knocking me to the ground. John was furious, yelling at him to stop. He didn’t. He kept walking away as if nothing had happened. John screamed at him again to stop, but this time he gave John the finger without turning around. John became enraged then in a sudden burst of energy, took off after him. When he caught up to him, he grabbed him from behind and threw him into a nearby store window, which I thought was going to break from the force. He bounced back and took a swing at John, just missing the side of his head. John grabbed the back of his neck with his left hand and punched him several times in the face with his right, drawing blood from his nose. The young man fell to the ground screaming with pain. John told him to get up and was ready to hit him again when the young man swore at John. Heated words were exchanged before John grabbed him and dragged his body across the floor to me.

You better apologize to my wife right now or I’m going to kick the living shit out of you right here and now, John said angrily.

Looking scared, he must have realized that he had no other choice but to apologize to me.

I’m sorry Mam for knocking you down.

John let go of him saying, Good! If you ever do this to my wife again, I’ll put you in the hospital. Do you hear me?

Yes sir, he said, holding his hand under his bleeding nose.

Now get the hell out of here before I really get angry.

The young man got up and left.

John turned to me and said, Are you okay Diane?

I am.

We better get out of here, he said, after grabbing my hand and leading us toward the exit.

I didn’t say anything more to him after that even though I thought his actions were excessive.

John was still fuming at the man’s cocky behavior when we left the club. It felt good to know he still gets jealous when other men are attracted to me.

We arrived home twenty minutes later, bumping into my eldest daughter Susan at the front door.

Hey mom, I’m going to be late tonight. The swim meet is in Toronto. The bus won’t be back before eleven.

She stepped aside to let me enter the house. I stopped in the middle of the doorway. She took a step back to give me a kiss on the cheek before dashing over to a waiting car.

I took off my coat and hat, handing them to John to hang up in the closet.

Who’s babysitting us tonight? my youngest daughter Cheryl said, running up to me in the living room.

Susan’s friend Nancy will be here around seven. She’s offered to look after you two tonight.

Yeah! she yelled, springing onto the sofa.

Cheryl was born seven years ago. I remember that day very well. I was standing in the kitchen talking to my mother on the telephone when my water broke. John happened to be home at the time and rushed me to the hospital. An hour later she was born.

She was a beautiful baby, cheerful, and curious. She loved to cradle in my arms in the rocking chair my mother had bought me for my birthday before Susan was born. The rocking motion would always put her to sleep. John would carefully take her out of my arms and carry her upstairs to her crib.

One day soon after she started walking on her own, she climbed the front hall stairs and tumbled back down after climbing half way up. John and I watched in horror as she slowly picked herself up by holding onto the wall for support. She took a moment to gather herself before turning around to look at us. Then she burst into laughter. John, who was by this point, paralyzed with fear, laughed along with her when he realized she was all right.

There was a more serious incident one time when she started choking after eating a small candy. I rolled her over my knee, frantically slapping her back as hard as I could to dislodge the candy from her windpipe. She started turning blue and making gagging sounds. I didn’t know what else to do so I lifted her up by her stomach with one hand and made a fist with the other. I struck her back hard several times before finally dislodging the candy. It flew out of her mouth with such velocity that it left a small dent in the wall across the room. She screamed at the top of her lungs, but I knew she was all right because I could finally hear her voice. I was so panicked by the entire experience that I called John at work, sobbing uncontrollably into the telephone, trying to explain to him what had happened. He managed to calm me and after I finished telling him what had happened, he waited for a few moments then said, Welcome to parenthood!

Have you seen my new tie? John said, bringing me back to the moment.

He stood in the open doorway with a small piece of shirttail hanging out his zipper.

I put the tie in your closet, and by the way, if you’re trying to entice me to play with your zipper, I will, but we might be late for the party.

He looked down to see his shirttail hanging out through his zipper. He looked up at me and started to giggle.

You know some people say the length of a man’s Willy is the same as the length of the shirttail hanging out his zipper.

Oh please! I’ve heard of dreamers in my time, but you take the cake!

Oh yeah?

He chased me around the room and threw me on the bed.

Dreamer eh! We’ll see who’s a dreamer, he said, jumping on top of me.

Then his mood suddenly changed.

I’m due for a raise next week, he said.

I hope it’s as good as the one I’m getting right now, I said, unzipping his zipper even further.

He stopped me and kissed me passionately on the lips before climbing off me to finish dressing.

I see you’ve started something you can’t finish.

How about we take up where we left off later after the party.

I’ll be here waiting, I said, as I watched him finish dressing.

I thought about the party we were about to attend; a celebration for those exceptionally fortunate individuals who have managed to keep their jobs and stay afloat during the recession. John survived these last three years, but many of his friends and co-workers didn’t. They were permanently removed, like unwanted tumors, strategically being eliminated to save the life of the corporate body. Every day I watched him leave for work with a positive outlook, only to return home each night beaten down by the stress and anxiety of frustrated clients and management. In the end he survived the recession.

Nancy’s here, Cheryl screamed from the bottom of the stairs. I’ll get the door mom.

I went downstairs to greet her.

Hey Cheryl, hey Mrs. Arnold, I hope I’m not late.

No, you’re right on time, I said, holding onto Cheryl.

She took off her coat and hat, slinging snow everywhere.

It’s snowing, she said. The weatherman’s calling for eight to ten inches tonight.

Will you be late? Nancy asked.

No, we should be home around one o’clock. If the storm gets too bad, you can spend the night here in the guest room.

Thanks Mrs. Arnold, she said walking into the living room with Cheryl.

Diane, are you ready to leave? John barked impatiently from the front door.

Yes, just give me a minute, I need to say goodbye to the children.

"Let’s go. We’re going to be later.

Driving to the party was terrible. Drifting snow backed up traffic and only one snowplow was clearing the main road. I can never understand why the city waits for the snow to accumulate significantly before starting to plow.

On the way to the party I thought about how John and I love to watch the snow falling past the city streetlights, setting the mood for slow, romantic walks. During our walks we’d take deep breaths, exhaling them as hard as we could to watch the long warm misty trails dissipate in the cold night air. John always enjoys pushing me down in the snow and laughing at me until I’d get him back by hiding snow in my hand and stuffing it down the back of his neck when he isn’t looking. We love listening to the sound the snow makes, crunching under the weight of our feet on dry, cold winter nights.

We finally arrived at the party. John’s boss Carl and his overbearing wife Cynthia met us at the door.

Hey you two, you’re late! she blurted out a little too loudly.

The roads are bad. We could only take the main roads here, John said, handing his coat to Cynthia.

Carl led us into the living room.

What would you two like to drink?

I’ll try that new Quebec beer, La Fin du Monde, I said after seeing it in the ice bucket beside the bar. John ordered his usual glass of dry red wine.

I glanced around the room, taking note of who was at the party. I caught Carl staring at me from the corner of my eye.

I don’t think many will show up tonight, he said dejectedly.

The roads are really bad. I didn’t see many plows out tonight, I said, trying to raise his spirits.

Carl’s the kind of man who enjoys parties and being a host. Not having many people show up to his party, left him feeling uneasy. I followed him into the living room and sat next to him on the sofa.

You know John’s worked really hard for me these last couple of years. The market’s been bad and if it wasn’t for him helping me keep the business afloat, I don’t know what I would have done. I’m thinking of moving him up in the company, maybe VP of sales, he said. You know I’m going to need him to travel more frequently to our western offices and maybe the States. I just wanted you to know how proud I am of him. What do you think?

He deserves a promotion, I said bluntly.

You won’t mind him being away from home more often? he said, looking for my blessing.

I love John and if this is what he wants for himself… I’ll never stand in his way of success.

Good, he said.

John sat down on the sofa facing us. Cynthia followed, sitting next to him, closer than he expected. Feeling uncomfortable, he looked at me to see my reaction. I gestured with my eyes not to worry, but then I thought, what gives her the right to flirt with my husband? To think that John would ever fall for a fat, overbearing, older, unattractive women like her. Cynthia smiled at me as if to say, there’s nothing you can do about it. I was fuming inside, but I didn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing it.

It was ten o’clock with only a hand full of dedicated employees showing up to the party. Carl ran to the telephone several times, returning with disappointment on his face. More people had called to cancel. After the last call, he went to the ice bucket to get me another beer.

I guess it’ll be a small gathering tonight, he said dejectedly.

Don’t worry Carl. We’ll have a better time without them.

Your right, he said sitting down beside me.

John started to talk to him about work. I let my mind wander back to the time when John and I took our first ski vacation together in Quebec.

We had booked a room in a small hotel, called the Alpine Inn, near St Adele in the Laurentians, about ninety kilometers north of Montreal, and only a few kilometers from St. Sauveur.

We left Susan with John’s parents in Toronto and started on our way in the late afternoon. Rush hour traffic slowed our progress through Toronto and it took us another six hour drive. It was well worth the trip once we saw the Inn, nestled beside a snow packed hill.

The building’s exterior resembled a large old log cabin painted in a Swiss style. A small brook flowed beside the Inn making the view more romantic and picturesque. Large snow drifts edged over the Inn’s roofline, and icicles hung under the eve troughs. Bright colourful Christmas lights were attached to the eves along the entire length of the building.