Steve's New Bloody Torah

By Steve Howard

It is bloody time we reevaluate our bloody religious convictions. The Torah, the father of all three big mind boggling monotheistic world religions, is a divine comedy. It is not meant to be believed. It is not meant to be taken seriously. It mocks the mad ape crawling out of stone age mentality. We have yet to let go of our dependency on ghost stories from around the camp fire. The stories in the Torah are bloody insane and make Mickey Mouse look like actual news. It is necessary to see the stories for what they are.

So that we can stop our believing every nonsense creed that some tyrannical bugger beats into our malleable minds. Read the Steve's New Bloody Torah and reexamine the Old Bloody Torah.

And wake up.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Steve Howard
• Release date: Apr 5, 2010
• ISBN: 9781452355603

Steve Howard

Born in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada 1960. Moved to London, Ontario, Canada in 1967. Started playing hockey and piano. Went to Sir Wilfred Laurier High School and played the trumpet.Studied Architectural Technology at Fanshawe College of Applied Arts and Sciences. Started playing guitar and writing a little. On a trip to the mountains in 1982 with a friend I decided, or was awakened to the knowledge that I was going to pursue writing. Graduated 1984 and moved to Toronto.Moved to Saarbrücken, Germany in 1993.Have traveled many places in North, Middle and South America and Europe.Besides reading and writing also work on photography and music.

Book preview

chapter 01

vs. 1: When God began to create heaven and earth – End Quote.

Now who the hell is this God fellow and what possessed him to embark on such an endeavor. Blowing a wind through the void over the water in the void. And the first thing he does is turn on the light with his saying, Let there be light.

That was cool, so he had light and darkness and called it a day. The first one.

The next day, he separated water from water. The water above he called sky and that rapped up the second day.

The next day, God put the water in one area so he’d have some dry land. That he called earth. The gathering of water, he called seas. He was happy with that and covered it all with plants and trees with fruits that had seeds. He liked that and the third day was done.

God wanted light in the sky and to make set times, days and years. So he made two lights. A bright one for day and a not so bright one for night. And he threw in some stars for the night. He thought that was cool. That was day four.

God got real creative and added vs. 20: swarms of living creatures, and birds … great sea monsters … EQ.

A couple things must be mentioned before we go on. To start, God is likely insane. Us. Our. An eternity of being alone in a void and he whips up a universe in 6 days as if he was suddenly in a hurry and vs. 26: And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. They shall rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the cattle, the whole earth, and all the creeping things that creep on the earth. 27. He created them … EQ. male and female. Be fertile. Rule over everything. Everything is for the man. Male and female.

God was really impressed with himself and the things he did. Especially the man creatures.

Well, we’ll see. Sometimes these ‘all in one’ starter kits aren’t all they claim to be.

chapter 02

It was done. Heaven and Earth six day all-inclusive started kit. God was so pleased with him-them selves that he-they took a day off. Put his-their feet up.

And already we run into problems.

There is no nothing on the earth, no grass on the fields. God forgot to make it rain. And there was no man to till the soil. So he makes a man out of dust. Blows life in him.

God plants a garden in Eden even though just a few days ago everything was baring fruit.

And catch this; he’s lost it. He plants a tree of life with full intention of forbidding his main characters to eat of it. Is God an asshole as well as raving mad.

There is a river and it goes to four places and waters everything. Havilah is where God buried the gold. Second river is Gihon, waters the land of Cush. Third is the Tigris, flowing east of Isslar. And the forth is Euphrates.

The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden. And he says to the man, "Okay, vs. 15: till it and tend it. EQ.

Do whatever you want but do not eat from the tree I stuck there in the middle of the garden. Eat of it and you die.

Now God forgot he already made male and female just the week before, likely because he was an idiot but let’s not get too personal. He spent eternity alone and didn’t want the man to do the same. Vs. 18: I will make a fitting helper for him. EQ.

So forgetting he had already covered the land and sky with creatures, he formed a bunch more out of the dirt and had the man give them all names.

But Adam didn’t find one helper.

So God comes up with a new plan. He takes a rib out of Adam and makes a woman. Gave it to the man as a present.

And that’s why a man leaves his parents and finds himself a woman.

chapter 03

For you idiots who think the universe was really whipped up in six days, it was not. And the serpent was a symbol in older religions. For wisdom and rebirth. Just to let you know.

Vs. 4: You are not going to die. EQ.

Many think this makes the serpent a teller of a lie. It don’t. Vs. 5: and you will be like divine beings who know good and bad." Vs. 6 … the tree was desirable as a source of wisdom. EQ.

Well, hang on. Did you catch that.

The source of wisdom. Come readers. Please pay homage to this grand event. Give the serpent some credit. God the one forgetful reckless tyrannical dictator don’t want us, the creatures he made in his image, to have wisdom. Keep us stupid.

Well fuck that.

Vs. 11: Who told you that you were naked? EQ.

The bloody fashion salesmen, that’s who. The lying murdering merchants, that’s who.

Vs. 13: The serpent duped me, and I ate. EQ. Thank fuck. And God can go to hell. Cursing the serpent for wisdom. Cursing the woman for wanting it.

Vs. 22: what if he should stretch out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever!" EQ.

Vs. 23: So the Lord God banished him from the garden of Eden. EQ.

God is an asshole. Or a black hole. And he doesn’t have a fucking clue what he’s doing. Days after thinking he was so good and already he’s cursing and punishing the man and woman he made in his-their own image.

chapter 04

Adam, the man, sexed his wife and she had Cain. Thank the Lord. Then Eve had Abel. He was a sheepherder. Cain grew grain.

Cain took an offering to the Lord and so did Abel. Well, the Lord was happy about the offering from Abel and not impressed with Cain.

So Cain was pissed off and took Abel out in the field and murdered him.

Hey Cain, where’s your brother.

How the hell would I know.

I saw you murder him so leave the farm and wander the earth.

What. Out there in the world someone might kill me.

Now from where would this someone be.

All those God whipped up in his own image on the sixth day. He had forgotten about them when he decided to make Adam.

So we go on and the Lord tells Cain, he promises him. If anyone kills you, I’ll kill them seven times. So Cain went to Nod. That’s east of Eden.

Cain had sex with his wife. Out came Enoch so Cain founded a city and called it Enoch. Enoch had a kid, Irad. Irad had Mehujel and Mehujel had Methusael, who had Lamech.

Lamech took two wives. Adah and Zillah. Adah made Jabel and he made the tent dwelling folk that hung with the herds. Brother Jubal had all the sons and sons of sons who played the lyre and the pipe. Tubal-cain made things out of iron and copper. His sister was Naamah.

And just to show how friendly God’s family was vs. 23: …

"I have slain a man for wounding me,

And a lad for bruising me.

If Cain is avenged sevenfold

Then Lamech seventy-sevenfold." EQ.

Adam sexed his wife again and they got Seth. He had Enosh and he said, Oh God.

chapter 05

They tell us Adam lived to be 930, which simply is not true. Either a year was a moon cycle, which would work for some of the numbers but not all of them, or the whole list of names is fiction.

Oh. Now can that be. A list of names and ages in a book of fiction. A fairy tale made holy by tyrannical dictators keeping the masses ignorant so they stay good slaves and soldiers.

Most important in this chapter is that Noah is born and when he was 500 he had Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

Noah was to be a liberator from God’s curse.

chapter 06

God’s descendants started sexing up mortals and the Lord put an age cap on. No more living more than 120 years.

The Nephilims were divine and their sons were super heroes.

The Lord was bored with his creation and decided to kill every creature.

Vs. 7: The Lord said, I will blot out from the earth the men whom I created – men together with beasts, and birds of the sky; for I regret that I made them. EQ.

Just for the record. The Lord God is a fucked up asshole.

But he liked Noah. Told him to build a boat in the desert.

You build a boat, I’ll make a flood.

Okay God, kill ‘em all, what the fuck.

So Noah built a 3 decker boat for 300,000,000 different kinds of animals. Species of animals. And every plant.

chapter 07

The Lord God is an asshole.

He told Noah Go into the ark. So Noah did. With family and 2 of everything and 14 of clean animals and birds. And hopefully, food for all of them for a year of living on the little boat.

So for you idiots that think such a thing is possible, we are talking several billion animals on a boat. Elephants, lizards, lions and bunnies. And all the plants, moss and fungus. Perhaps he had seeds for all the plants that reproduced sexually. Some plants don’t so Noah would need to have those plants on board.

And for God to murder all the rest of life on earth, he imported water from the firmament, which is something like a sky and water from under the ground. Had it pumped up from the caverns and sealed them for the duration of the flood.

And it rained and God was pleased because he murdered everyone.

Except for Noah and family.

You mother killers who teach this shit as real need a good ass kicking.

Tyrannical, whimsical, criminally insane Lord God terror shit. Fuck off.

chapter 08

So the Earth was covered in water 150 days while God was off on his space tripping adventures, then he remembered.

Oh, shit, I covered the Earth in water. I better blow a wind.

On the 7th day of the seventh month the boat landed on mount Ararat. In the 10th month mountaintops could be seen.

After another 40 days, Noah sent a raven out to spread its wings. It didn’t come back. So Noah sent a pigeon. It came back with a leaf.

Another 2 months and 27 days and the land became again desert dry.

Vs. 16: Come out of the ark … EQ.

So Noah and family came out with the several billion animals.

Now would anyone care to do the logistics of 14 months of maintaining a floating zoo and botanical garden. Never mind the question where did all the water come from.

If you come up with, simply impossible, you got it.

So what’s the first thing Noah does. He builds an alter and burns some of every clean animal and every bird.

Because the Lord loves the smell of burnt animals and birds.

Well, that was fun, but I won’t destroy the whole Earth again. Man can’t help it if he is like I made him.

Is God a megalomaniacal idiot.

Or is the holy bible just a silly fairy tale.

chapter 09

Religion is for illiterate idiots.

God blessed Noah, told him to eat whatever he wanted to. But not the life blood.

Anyone who kills a man will be killed by a man ‘cause they look like Me.

Be fertile, God says that often. For he loved to murder those made in his image.

God made a covenant with Noah, who knew nothing of physics.

I’ll make a rainbow so I don’t forget, for I am so forgetful, that I don’t wipe out the Earth again with floods.

Noah planted grapes, made wine, got drunk and got naked in his tent.

Ham, the father of Canaan, walked in and saw him.

One might think, so what.

But no, Shem and Japheth walked in backward and covered their dad so he wouldn’t be naked.

Vs. 25:"Cursed be Canaan:

The lowest of slaves

Shall he be to his brothers." EQ.

I think I understand. The believers of the Bible are saying, "We are fucking insane and will kill anyone for any reason at all and especially if you question the authority of our God. Morons.

chapter 10

This chapter is all about the men descending from men. The clans. The nations.

Vs. 5: ... each with its language – their clans and their nations. EQ.

The first man of note was Nimrod. Vs. 8: … the first man of might on earth. EQ.

His most famous kingdom, Babylon.

Canaan, the cursed, had all the nations that would later be slaughter by Moses and his 600,000 murdering slaves of plunder, rape and genocide. Very holy.

chapter 11

In the last chapter everyone had their own language. In this chapter they all had one.

Just a silly detail.

Vs. 4: … Come, let us build a city and a tower with its top in the sky… EQ.

Never mind that with bricks and bitumen such an endeavor is impossible because the weight would crush the bricks. The sky is fairly high.

The Lord didn’t like the idea so he gave everyone different languages: And sent them over the face of the whole earth. And there are still those who believe this is how we got different languages around the world. Which just goes to show you how ignorant some people still are.

Followers of the lie awaken; throw off the yoke of belief. For gods’ sake.

We get men begetting men, mostly names to forget until Nahor begot Terah who beget Abram. Ab’s brother begot Lot, the famous child rapist. Ab’s wife, little sister, Sarai had no children.

They went and settled in Haran.

chapter 12

Ab’s a pimp.

The Lord told Ab he’d bless him and make him a great famous nation. Bless those who bless him and curse those who curse him.

So off to Canaan, where the Canaanites lived. Ab took his wife Sarai, Lot and a hoard and all his wealth.

Vs.7: I will assign this land to your offspring. EQ.

All they gotta do is murder everyone there.

But not yet. First there was famine so Ab went to Egypt and whored his wife out to the Pharaoh.

Vs.13: Please say you are my sister … EQ.

The Pharaoh paid Ab with vs. 16: sheep, oxen, asses, male and female slaves, she-asses, and camels. EQ.

Vs. 19: Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her as my wife? Now, here is your wife, take her and begone! EQ.

So Ab took his winnings, his whored wife and left. Very holy fellow, this Ab fuck.

chapter 13

Ab took his whored wife and his cattle, silver and gold to return to Bethel where he had built an alter. And he gave the Lord a call.

Lot also had flocks and herds and tents and together it was too much. The herdsmen of Lot were always quarreling with those of Ab.

The land was the land of the Canaanites and Perizzites.

Let’s not fight among ourselves, Lot, go one direction, I’ll go the other.

Lot liked the look of the plain of Jordon so he took his herds and flocks that direction. Ab stayed in the land of Canaan.

Lot, he went and pitched his tents next to the city of Sodom. And since they weren’t worshiping Lot’s fickle God, he called them wicked sinners. This is what you do if you plan to murder them all and steal their land.

Lie in the Americas: the natives were called savages because they too failed to worship the god of random law and terror.

Vs. 15: for I give all the land that you see to you and your offspring forever. EQ.

Ab went to Hebron and built another alter.

chapter 14

Now there was war between many Kings, for that is the nature of kingdoms. Murder, rape pillage. It worked out to be 4 kings against 5 kings.

When Sodom and Gomorrah were plundered, the Kings jumped into bitumen pits. Others fled to the hill country. The invaders took everything, including Lot and his crew.

Well, the news got back to Abram the Hebrew, Lot’s uncle. And Ab took 318 of his crew and invaded the invaders and brought back Lot and his crew.

And here we have mention of King Melchizedek of Salem. He was a priest of the holy genocide God and he sang praises to Ab.

Vs. 19: "Blessed be Abram of God Most High

Creator of heaven and earth

And blessed be God Most High

Who had delivered your foes into your hands." EQ.

And Abram gave him a tent of everything.

The king of Sodom asked Ab for his persons.

Ab swore to the Lord, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth that the King of Sodom should take everything that was his. So he would not say he made Ab rich.

He still had Sarai to whore out.

Ab did allow that his men take their share of the plunder.

chapter 15

Ab goes megalomaniac on us. Has a vision; in it he complains to the Lord God that Sarai didn’t put out any offspring. What was the use of riches if he ended up leaving it to his steward.

I am the Lord and I will give you this land.

How Lord.

Vs. 8: Bring Me a three-year-old heifer, a three-year-old she goat, a three-year-old ram, a turtle dove, and a young bird. EQ.

So Ab did. And cut them half