Change Me

By Lynne Taylor

...because sometimes big changes are too much to take...

Sarah Fowler has spent her life accepting mediocrity. Being a plus-sized girl with only average looks, her self esteem leaves a lot to be desired.
When the most perfect male God has ever created approaches her, Sarah battles with herself, wanting desperately to believe her fairy tale is coming true. Will she be able to accept his advances as genuine? Will she step out of her private, comfortable world and allow herself to be vulnerable to him?

Dane McAllister is a heart-throb of a man who has his own demons. Having a rocky past, he has all but sworn off women. But when he sees Sarah, his world begins to turn again. There's something about her that draws him in.
Will Dane be able to truly overcome his past and be the man Sarah longs for, or will he deepen her lifelong wounds?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lynne Taylor
• Release date: Dec 17, 2013
• ISBN: 9781311734013

Lynne Taylor

40-something year old mother, wife, Author, and business manager for a veterinary hospital. Born and raised in Southwest Lower Michigan.

Book preview

Prologue

Sarah…

Oh, how I loathe family gatherings. I feel the stares, and all the shameful thoughts whirling around me as if I am the biggest embarrassment or disappointment. I can feel it is coming, and I swear I am gonna go POSTAL! I don’t care if it ruins Lauren's big day or not. How can people be so blind to think it doesn't hurt? It'snot like I don't already know.

Let's face it. Thick girls know they are thick. We even know that people see us as less... lazy, overindulgent, undisciplined, blah, blah, blah. Fuck 'em.

It may be my big sister's graduation party, but these people have no clue the wrath I would love to release on them. But, like always, I remain the peaceful, fake-smiling, oh-so-loving little sister everyone thinks I am. Little. Humph. That's not a word anyone else would use to describe me. And they don't. I am referred to as Lauren's younger sister. Even as a child, I was Alicia's youngest daughter and never her little girl.

Aunt Vanessa is the worst about it. She is the most self-centered stick figure of a woman with whom the world has been cursed. But, let's call a spade a spade; she's drop dead gorgeous despite being well into her forties. She is the epitome of everything I am not. She is a fine example of high society with her golf club membership, president of the Ladies’ Society for this or that, has the figure of a damned Barbie doll, dresses like a politician's wife, and is the biggest example of fake I have ever seen. She is a pro at sounding sweet and caring all the while insulting you, which is why I cannot stand her. When I saw her drive up in her Mercedes today I just wanted to crawl in a bush and hide. Because, I know it's coming.

My mother doesn’t help matters. She too is fake as hell. She has always tried to keep up with Vanessa but falls short. The biggest deficit my mother has is having me for a daughter. Vanessa has two of the most beautiful, perfect daughters I have ever seen, and my mother is forever reminded of just how perfect they are. Well, Mom got it half right. Lauren is beautiful, shapely, talented and smart as can be. I came along and ruined my mother's chance at beating Vanessa at the uppity bullshit competition they have had going on their entire lives. I guess you could say I am the black sheep of the family. My mother, as hard as she tries not to, keeps me in constant awareness that I just don’t measure up.

And people wonder why I have issues...

There are only three people in this world on whom I can count who would never make me feel like a complete waste of space: My big sister Lauren, my father - God rest his soul, and Jenna. Oh dear God, how I wish Jenna was here. It's not that she wouldn't rather be here with me instead of standing up for her newest stepmother in her father's wedding. I can see her now, chewing on her gum, rolling her eyes impatiently, with a who cares kind of look on her face. After all, this is his fourth wedding, or is it his fifth? Who can keep track anymore? At least she gets to spend two weeks in Barbados on a beach enjoying all that Caribbean male eye-candy.

Maybe I will go out to my car and call her. She's always good for a pep talk to get me through things like this. They will be serving dinner and cake soon so maybe afterward I will make my exit and give her cell phone a try, and pray she gets a good signal where she is.

I have to say I have outdone myself this time. The dinner looks as scrumptious as it tastes. I was honored when Lauren insisted I cater her graduation party. She loves my cooking and argued tooth and nail when mother suggested other catering services.

No way Mom! Sarah makes the best food in three counties! You know it and so does everyone else, she says matter-of-factly at our mother.

Now Lauren, dear I know Sarah is a good cook but--

But nothing Mom! Either Sarah does this, or there will be no party! Or perhaps we can have it at the country club instead, where I will be sure to have Craig by my side! Your choice Mother!

Wow! She sure knows how to shut her up! I gotta give the girl credit. She may be the golden child of the two of us, but she knows how to work our mom.

The ladies at the country club practically would banish mother for life if they ever got wind of Lauren's relationship with Craig. He is the bad boy type: tattoos, motorcycle - and hot as hell. I see why Lauren is so attracted to him, and why mother hates that attraction. He certainly isn’t country club material.

But, a loser he definitely is not. He graduated two years ago from college where he majored in business, owns a very successful construction company, as well as his own home. I find it absolutely hilarious that our mother couldn’t wait to put him on display to all the ladies at the club, but once Craig arrived at the house on his Harley, wearing a t-shirt that showed his body art on both biceps I practically could see mother's mind scrambling for excuses to give the ladies at the club. After all, how was she going to explain why Lauren's prized male wouldn’t be joining them? Turns out Craig's home and business are about two hours away, and mother is able to use his busy schedule as a business owner for the standard excuse whenever it comes up.

Honestly, Craig is pretty much exactly the kind of guy I would choose for myself if I could choose. Mother has always had a certain kind of guy in mind for my sister and me. The kind of guy I would rather die than date. I guess that’s why I have never had a boyfriend. It's not like I haven’t had a few options, but none ever appealed to me since mother had me stuffed in a pretentious private school. The guys there appear to be upscale, but are really just spoiled rich kids who think they are the shit. And they are right: they are shit. Yeah, Craig is my kind of guy. Pissing mother off would just be a bonus.

As we all take our seats when the DJ announces that dinner will be served in five minutes, I notice that the only seat left for me is at the same table as Aunt Vanessa and her perfect little family. Jesus! Seriously? Of all the people, with whom to have to sit, why her? I would eat in the kitchen, but that would upset Lauren. I surrender to this wicked fate and tell myself, Okay! Suck it up!, and take my seat.

Sarah dear! How lovely of you to join us! I was beginning to think you weren’t here for your own sister's party! The sticky-sweet sarcastic drawl from her fake mouth makes me want to hurl.

Of course, Aunt Vanessa! I wouldn’t miss Lauren's big day for the world. It’s a little difficult to socialize from the kitchen though, I reply with equally sweet sarcasm. Bitch. You want to play that game? Let’s play it.

Oh my, that’s right! I had plain forgotten your mother telling me that you were doing the catering for the party. I hope you included some healthier options on the menu today for those of us watching our figures. She coyly laughs and smiles at her shapely daughters.

Well you know Vanessa if all else fails you can always count on fruit and lettuce at pretty much any shindig. I smile as sweetly and innocently as I can muster. I was rather pleased when that fake smile of hers quickly disappeared. Score: Vanessa one, Sarah two. I give myself a high-five in my head and make a mental note to tell Jenna about this little exchange. She will be very proud. Dear God, how I miss that girl right now. She probably would remind me of her idea of having dinner dishes served rather than a buffet line - so I could lace Aunt Vanessa's meal with a laxative.

I was relieved when they dismissed our table for the buffet line. I listen for what people had to say about the food. I'm feeling pretty good when I hear several of them raving over the smells, how delicious it all looks and having trouble deciding which things to eat. But of course all good things must come to an end. Vanessa is picking at the food just a few steps down from me in the line. I had been so occupied listening to the raves I hadn’t noticed her remark until I hear my cousin trying to hush her mother. So I tune in to the Vanessa channel.

I knew it. Nothing but fats, carbs, and sugars. Just because she doesn’t care about her figure, doesn’t mean the rest of us eats like this. Honestly.... She continues throughout the whole linerambling on. I feel the heat rising to my cheeks and the urge to dump my plate over her perfect up-do, but as usual, I resist. I bite my tongue, yet again. After all these years, it’s a wonder I still have a tongue left from all the biting it has endured.

We return to the table with our plates. Of the ten people seated at our table, all but three have their plates heaped with all the goodness my buffet had to offer. I look across to Vanessa, and my cousins Candace and Sarina. Go figure. Nothing but fruit and salad. They even go so far as to put their salad dressing on the side and dip their forks in it rather than just putting it on the salad itself. I silently say to myself, You must be fucking kidding me! I just shake my head. The thing is I would bet dollars to doughnuts that Candace and Sarina would have partaken in more delicious options had their overbearing mother not been in attendance. What a shame.

I feel the stare. Is She actually watching me eat?

Once dinner was over, and the hired staff cleared our plates, the DJ started playing some of Lauren's favorite songs. People are dancing and having a great time. I sit and watch, just taking it all in. I thank the occasional guest that stops by to praise the food I prepared. Vanessa sits down fanning herself and carries on about how exhausting all the dancing is and how she must start investing more time on the treadmill or something equally full of bullshit. Suddenly, out of the blue she speaks to me directly. Sarah, dear, you should come join me tomorrow at the fitness center! It’s a very nice place, and I think--

You think what? That I would really enjoy it Vanessa? What would make you think, for one second, I would enjoy that? I interrupt. Her mouth is gaped open in shock.

Well dear, it's just that you would be so beautiful if--

If I would just lose the weight, I mock. You know Vanessa, if I had a dollar for every time you have said that or insinuated it, I would be able to retire next year on my twenty-first birthday. Well let me tell you. I have heard enough of your snide bullshit over the years and I have kept my mouth shut. But no more. I am a full-grown woman in charge of my own life and let me just tell you that if in order to be beautiful, it means I have to starve myself and live on fruit and lettuce as you do then I guess I will just be ugly forever! I scream at her. She manages to stammer back, Dear, I just meant that you might be happier-- Again I cut her off.

Happier? What the hell makes you think I'm not freaking happy? You wouldn’t have the first clue whether I am happy or not! You have never even taken an opportunity to get to know me, and you want to sit there and judge whether I am happy? You want to know what would make me happy VA-NESS-A? If you would just PISS OFF!

I hear a gasp. Well, not a gasp - many gasps. The music had stopped between songs and every guest just heard me tell my aunt to piss off. Oh. My. God.

The music starts up again thank goodness, but I know this is not the end of it. Vanessa snatches up her purse and collects Sarina and Candace from the dance floor. They quickly make their exit to the Mercedes and leave without so much as a goodbye.

I make a quiet exit to the kitchen trying to appear as if I am needed in there. Everyone is busy cleaning up or packaging the leftover food to be delivered to the local homeless shelter. They don’t look up at me for fear that I would rip their heads off next. Now I really feel like shit. I step out the back door of the kitchen for some fresh air and find Manny the prep cook out having a smoke. He notices me and gives me a nod. I nod back with a weaksmile as he walks over to offer me a cigarette.

No, thanks. I don’t need to start another habit for my family to bitch about. I give a slight chuckle at that thought.

Manny surprises me by saying, Man, fuck that bitch. Her fake ass wouldn’t know happiness if her plastic surgeon injected her with it. I heard what she said to you when I was clearing the table behind you. That’s bullshit, and you gave it to her good! At that, he offers up a high-five. I smile and return the gesture. He pulls me in for a hug.

Manny and I have worked several times together in the kitchen while I worked as a prep cook. He is just an average Hispanic guy who is happy simply being himself. There's not a pretentious bone in his body, and I love that about him. I thank him for being so cool and head for my car. I have had enough, and I just want to go home and call Jenna.

As I climb into my car, I grab my cell and send Lauren a text.

Sorry. Had to ditch. See you at home.

I fire up my old Taurus and head for home. One thing is for sure, this shit ain’t over.

Holy shit Sarah! You really said that?! I'm so fucking proud of you! You finally put that silicone bitch in her place! Holy hell! I can't believe you did it! Jenna's screams practically blow the speaker in my phone. Oh how I love her!

Yeah, but you know what this means now, I sigh.

Don’t you worry about that my friend. Remember, you won't have to deal with that for long. Besides, if it gets too hot to handle you've always got the key to my dad’s house. Go hang there if you want. Frankie would love some company.

Oh shit. Frankie. With all the hustle and bustle of the dinner today I had totally forgotten to go check on Jenna's cat.

I just might do that. I could use the solitude, I say.

Alright Chicky. Listen, I gotta go. Dad wants to talk to me so I better scat. Call me tomorrow okay? And hey... I'm proud of you!

Okay. Soak up some sun for me too. Talk to you tomorrow. As I hang up the phone, I hear my mother stomping up the stairs yelling out my name. Holy shit. Here we go.

Sarah Alexandra Fowler what in God's name were you thinking? You ruined your sister's party, made a scene, and embarrassed your aunt so badly she left without even saying goodbye! What is WRONG WITH YOU?

Man she is pissed. I haven’t seen her this mad in, well, never.

But hold up! How is this MY fault?

Are you kidding me Mom? That fake heifer has insulted me my entire life and well, I guess I had swallowed just one too many spoonfuls of her shit, and to be honest, I am tired of saying YUM! And I can’t believe you would just stand there, take her side, and blame all this shit on me! Well, you know what Mom? You blame whomever you want. I'm OUT OF HERE! I get up and reach into my closet for my suitcases.

What are you talking about Sarah? Where do you think you are going? Her tone has gone from pissed to sounding panicked when she sees me packing.

Well I was going to wait for Jenna to get back from Barbados to tell you but considering I am such a screw-up I might as well make this short and sweet. Jenna and I have put a deposit down on a place about 3 hours from here. I'm moving out. I already have a job lined up and am enrolled in the culinary institute there. So, feel free to kiss Vanessa's ass all you like, but I'm done with that shit. But look on the bright side Mom. With me out of the picture, you will fit in so much better in the Ladies’ Society! I turn away from her and continue packing.

Sarah, honey wait. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that Vanessa--

I get it Mom. Pissing her off screws you. You won’t have to worry about that anymore now. You can just tell your friends... well hell, I don’t care what you tell them. You will figure something out. You always do.

The look of shame and regret on my mother's face is nearly enough to turn me around, but I stay strong.

I stop by Lauren's room to say goodbye and to apologize for ruining her party.

Are you kidding me? That was awesome! The look on her face was priceless! Bitch had it coming sis! Lauren squealed.

Well, it did feel good to put her in her place finally, I had to admit.

Are you really moving out? Like, right now? she asks.

Yeah. It’s just better this way. I’m staying at Jenna's until she gets back, then we are heading to the new place. But don’t worry. You’re moving to Craig’s here in a couple of weeks or so, and my new place is just about an hour north of him. We will see each other often, I promise, I reassure her.

I'm going to miss you, ya know? she says.

Yeah, I know. But it’s only for a little while. Call me anytime. Let me know how all this plays out okay?

Okay I will. I love you. Take care of yourself.

A big hug from Lauren and then I am out the door and in my car.

I’m off to start the journey into MY life. And it’s not the one my mother had mapped out for me. How exciting is THAT!?

Chapter 1

Sarah – two years later...

I can’t believe I am finally done. Culinary School was harder than I thought, but I made it through in fine style. I have a few of the five-star restaurants scouting me out. It kind of makes me feel bad at the same time. I really do love working at The Jasper Stone. They respect me as a chef and treat me like family. It’s been a three-star restaurant for years, but has been growing in popularity since I was promoted to head chef, so I’m torn. Do I leave what I know, that which is secure and comfortable? Or, do I dive off the deep end into the unknown and pray I can live up to the standards of one of the five-stars that are seeking me out? I mean, maybe I can make a difference at The Jasper Stone and help it achieve four or even five stars over time. Wow, that would be quite the achievement! On the other hand, being named top chef at an established five-star is a risk and would bring all kinds of recognition. Do I even really want recognition? Why did I even go to school if it weren't to make a change? I was already working at The Jasper, so school wasn’t even necessary if all I plan to do is stay there. Right? Or was it so the knowledge I gained at school could help it grow? I’m so confused. I guess the answer will come in time.

Jenna tells me to bite the bullet and move on to bigger and better things. That’s easy for her to say. She is very fearless. Charismatic. She is tall, magnetically sassy and is a complete knockout. With her long, wavy, golden blonde hair, perfect body with curves in all the right places, and her wide, sparkling, emerald-green eyes and full lips that form into the most mischievous smiles you have ever seen, who could ever resist her? She is designed to excel. With her personality, I swear she could sell snow to an Eskimo with just a flash of that smile and a bat of her eyelashes.

Now, myself, on the other hand, I guess plain and plump about sums me up. There’s just nothing really special about my looks. Not that I would consider myself ugly per se, but certainly nothing even remotely close to my dear friend. With blue-gray eyes, long brown naturally curly hair, medium lips, and a size eighteen body, well let’s just say when Jenna and I go out it’s not me the men are drawn to.

I mean if I didn’t already have a low self-esteem, hanging around with her in public could make it worse. She would knock the crap out of me for feeling that way, but I can’t help it. It is what it is. Of course, I guess I shouldn’t be concerned about whether men are drawn to me or not. I’ve got Derek now. But hey, it would feel good to catch someone else’s eye once in a while.

Derek. I wonder where he is right now? When he called last night, he said he would be home in a couple of days. Last I knew, he was traveling through the Rockies and would be losing reception off and on. I really don’t know why we are together. He is a good man who happens to be six years older than me. He is average looking, with sandy brown hair styled in a professional type haircut, clean-shaven, with brown eyes, thin lips, and is tall with a medium build. Basically he blends, he doesn’t stand out. My favorite thing about Derek is his smile. He’s got a great smile. He cares about me, treats me well, appreciates my skill as a chef and supports my goals. He doesn’t seem to be bothered about my size, and, in fact, we have never even had a disagreement… but…

Sometimes I just feel as if something is missing.

For one, he is a traveling salesman for a pharmaceutical company. He is on the road four to five days a week, so I don’t see much of him, especially with me being in school. He usually doesn’t get home until sometime Saturday afternoon, and often leaves again on Tuesday mornings. Sundays are commonly spent in the next town, visiting with his family and having dinner. Monday I have class until three, and then I work at The Jasper until closing, so really we don’t get much one on one time.

As far as bedroom activities… well, they occur, occasionally. That’s about the extent of it. It’s not as if he is a terrible lover or anything. It’s just - predictable. Everything is sadly routine. Lukewarm. Can I say I love Derek? I love the idea I guess. Someone I can call mine. Not to be ‘the single one’ for the rest of my life is a bonus. After all, it's not as if I have guys standing in line wanting to be with me. I am comfortable with him. He is safe. But, I guess I always thought a long-term relationship would be more romantic? Hotter?

I don’t need to think about hotter. I know that is just not in the cards for someone like me. I can be myself with Derek. I don’t have to wonder how he really feels about me. I could spend the rest of my life with Derek and could be satisfied with that.

Oh. My. God. I just realized he is exactly what my mother would have chosen for me. Shit.

Jenna doesn’t really think much of Derek. He is a perfect gentleman to her and has never felt uneasy about my friendship with her. Even when she drags me off to the clubs, and he knows that she is on the prowl for the next guy to fill the heartbroken void that scumbag Jeremy left her with. The only reason Jenna doesn’t care much for Derek is because he is ordinary. She wants more for me than what she thinks Derek can offer. And while I love her for that, someone like Jenna just doesn’t get it. Women like me don’t get the hot, hard bodies that look like they just fell out of a harlequin romance novel. Sometimes I wish that were possible. But I don’t allow myself to dream like that. I can’t.

Chapter 2

Just as I was about to doze off in my comfy chair my phone rings. The ringtone tells me exactly who it is. She just cracks me up. I didn’t even know you could assign a different ringtone to each of the different contacts in your phone, so you can imagine my shock when she programmed hers into my phone three months ago. Tone Loc’s Wild Thing is starting to get a little old though I must say. I have to find one equally fitting for my crazy BFF and make her change it for me.

I answer, What shakin’ Jen?

Let me guess. You are in your bathrobe, fuzzy slippers in that damn chair dozing off again, right? Okay. I’m just too predictable.

As a matter of fact I am! I think after all my hard work I deserve a good nap, don’t you?!

What you DESERVE is a night on the town partying your ass off in celebration! So, get your ass dressed in your hottest outfit and let’s go clubbin’ Chicky!

I groan. Jenna I really just don’t feel like going out. And besides, ‘my hottest outfit’? Really Jen, when have you ever seen me wear anything HOT?

Okay, now you’re gonna piss me off. Throw some jeans and a t-shirt on. We are going shopping. I am going to buy you something hot to wear and dammit you WILL wear it! You are prowling with ME tonight sister!

Prowling? Why would I go ‘prowling’? Did you forget about Derek?

"No, I did not! But YOU should. C’mon Sarah. You can’t tell me that Derek melts your butter. You need someone muy caliente my friend! Just go with me. You know that no matter what happens you will have fun, and at least get a good buzz!"

I hate how right she is. But, she needs to realize this is not going to turn out the way she