Just Another Raggedy Doll: A Foster Care Story Based on True Events

By Dr. Sharon Zaffarese-Dippold

It took less than four hours for Sarah Bailey and her younger brother Curtis to lose everything they knew. She lost her school, her mudpie stations, her church, her father, and her name. Everything they own is packed in garbage bags as they are moved to a new foster home. It’s supposed to be a safe haven for them, but as Sarah—now called Anna—learns, their so-called safety comes at a horrific price, as she is groomed and abused by her new foster mother.

But Sarah/Anna is resilient. She adapts to wearing dresses after only dressing as a boy. She befriends a wild and dangerous horse. And for her first Christmas ever, she receives a rag doll, one she carries with her still today. For a child with so little, the rag doll comes to mean so much.

Based on a true story, author of Just Another Slice, Dr. Zaffarese-Dippold continues to share her foster care story in the series “Garbage Bag Life.” This book in the series sheds light on the grooming behavior of some sexual abusers, and the risk to children in the foster care system.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dr. Sharon Zaffarese-Dippold
• Release date: Apr 24, 2023
• ISBN: 9798986505138

Book preview

Books in the Garbage Bag Life Series

by Dr. Sharon Zaffarese-Dippold Ph.D.,

LCSWR, LCSW, CCTP

Just Another Slice

Just Another Raggedy Doll

Just Another Goodbye

Just Another Hiding Place

Content/Trigger Warning

This book contains content related to sexual abuse of a child, and mild language. I hope this book will bring awareness to the grooming behaviors of a perpetrator.

Below is contact information for emotional support and guidance if needed.

❖ National Suicide Hotline Number:

❖ 988

❖ SAMHSA National Helpline for Mental Health:

❖ 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

❖ SAMHSA National Helpline for Substance Use:

❖ 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

❖ Mental Health: - 211

(Mental Health assistance for you someone else)

❖ Emergency: 911

❖ Sexual Assault- The National Sexual Assault Hotline

1-800-656-HOPE)

Chat (online.rainn.org)

My goal in writing this book is to bring awareness to the

practices of grooming behaviors of sexual abusers.

The past does not define your future.

Finally, after years of wanting to tell her story, to help others with a shared experience of the negative aspects of the foster care system. Dr. Dippold continues to release the Garbage Bag Life series. Dr. Dippold’s professional work, as a speaker and therapist has worked to better the lives of patients of all ages. The series expands her impact to reach all of our hearts and facilitate change for those trapped in the foster care world. Entertaining, sad, inspiring, horrific, persevering, and victorious. I am proud to recommend her next book , Just Another Raggedy Doll .

~ Karen L. Aguanno, M.A., Karing Associates Founder

DEDICATION

First, I would like to dedicate this book to the most influential being that followed me throughout my life—Jesus. I will never forget the prayers in the scary places and the song I sang when I was being hurt. I felt you with me throughout my life journey.

I dedicate this book to all current foster children and foster care alumni. For all those moments when we’d wished we could be like all the other kids in school and have a typical family. When the best Christmas gift would have been a mom and dad who loved us. We entered the great big world of foster care seeking just that—a family, happiness, and someone to love us while we try to hide our brokenness. No one can truly understand what we feel or what we go through. These emotions can trigger feelings of loneliness and brokenness. But

I dedicate this book to you! We are not broken or damaged goods. I write my story to encourage you to realize that your goals are achievable, and you don’t have to stop dreaming about what you want because you were or are a foster child.

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO ALL SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS.

WE ARE NO LONGER SURVIVORS… WE ARE THRIVERS!

I dedicate this book to my family, all of whom are incredibly supportive of me throughout my journey of writing my foster care story.

I dedicate this book to two people who stepped in to play the role of Mom and Dad (Jim & Debbie) when no one else would. You know who you are, and I would not be where I am today without your influence and guidance. Thank you!

The Ling Family & Holley Family— Thank you for taking me in and treating me as your own.

My Husband Mark —Thank you for being my best friend, biggest supporter, and perfect life partner. I couldn’t imagine anyone else with me on this journey.

My Daughter, Jessica Tubbs— You taught me what it meant to love the first moment I held you in my arms I was going to do my best to protect you. Thank you for all your encouragement, support, and laughter. To your husband, Jason—I couldn’t ask for a better son-in-law. To my grandsons, Elijah and Enoch—What gifts you are in my life! You bring me so much happiness.

My Son, Joseph Zaffarese— Like with your sister, I felt a love I never knew could exist when I held you in my arms for the first time. I knew I wanted to do whatever I could to make sure you and your sister never lived the life I had. I wanted to be the best mom for you. Thank you for the opportunity to do so. To your wife, Elizabeth Zaffarese, my daughter-in-law—You are truly a wonderful daughter, always encouraging me through this process with ideas, kindness, and love, and always having my back. To your children, my other wonderful grandchildren, Tiberius and Zeta—You are such lights in my life and bring so much joy and love.

The Dippold Family — Thank you to my sister-in-law, Marcia Cristini, my brother-in-law Matthew Dippold and his wife, Melissa Dippold . Thank you for accepting not just me, but my children and grandchildren into your family.

Robert Dippold— I would like to dedicate this book to my father-in-law, who passed in January 2021. He asked about the book every visit, encouraging me to get on it. Without a doubt, he had faith in me when I didn’t think I would be able to complete this lifelong goal. I miss you and wish you were here to celebrate this dream fulfilled with me.

To the Zaffarese Family— Paul, we brought great children into this world together, and I thank you for always encouraging my life goal to share this story from the beginning. To Jenny, your wife—Thank you for being kind and caring to my children and grandchildren the way you are. Carol Zaffarese—Mom, thank you for your encouragement whenever we talk about the book. Uncle Robert Matuszewski—Thank you for all your spiritual guidance and encouragement.

To My In-Laws- Brenda & Billie Blye, and Randy & Cheryl Tubbs. Our children made us family, but I thank you for your friendship. Brenda—thank you for being a cheerleader in my corner and arranging book signings.

To My Mother-In-Law, Diane, and Your Husband, Tom — Mom & Tom, your words of encouragement started from Day One twelve years ago. Thank you for constantly pushing and encouraging me.

To The Rutkowski Brothers & Sisters-In-Laws— Dave & Veronica, Matthew &Liz, and Brian & Leslie. Thank you for accepting me into your family and showing me nothing but kindness and belonging.

To My Life-Long Friends —Karen Ennis Aguanno and Julie Schmeckenbecher. Thank you for your loyal and supportive friendship over the years. Your encouragement and support are motivators in achieving my goal of writing my life story.



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Chapter 1

Car Ride

Saturday

Mrs. A, with her big eyes, black glasses, and funny colored hair going everywhere on her head, is still the scary person she’s always been to me—especially now that we’re in the back of her car, leaving the only home we’ve ever known.

That house might not have been perfect, but at least it was something I’d known. Now?

Now… everything’s changing.

Where are we going, Sarah? My younger brother Curtis squeezes my waist.

I bite my lip. I don’t know, Curtis. I just don’t know.

What do you hope your new home looks like? Mrs. A. asks from the front seat.

What kind of question is that? And who is she asking? What new home is she talking about?

Why am I getting a new home? Was it because of what I’d told Daddy?

Sarah?

I don’t respond. I don’t say anything.

I can’t say anything. Nothing’s getting past the lump in my throat.

Mrs. A glances in the mirror. What about you, Curtis? What do you hope for at your new home? Do you hope they have a bike?

Curtis just tightens his grip on me.

Mrs. A. doesn’t ask again.

Good. Because I don’t think I can answer her. I don’t think I can talk. It took all I had in me to answer Curtis.

Where are we going? What’s going to happen to us? Will I still go to church? Will I get to see Daddy?

It’s the one person I hope I never see again… Derek.

I press my face against the window, the cold burning my nose. I have to look at everything so I can find my way back to Daddy as soon as possible.

Children, would you like to stop and get something to eat at McDonald’s? Mrs. A’s smile is really big.

Even that’s scary because she looks like a clown with bright, red lipstick.

Curtis turns his head toward me and raises his shoulders at the same time.

He doesn’t seem to be able to speak to her either. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to.

Nope, we’re not hungry, is all I can choke out.

She thinks I could be—hungry right now?

I feel a tug on my arm. Sarah, I want to eat. Just then Mrs. A. asks, Does Curtis want some food?

I can’t blame him for that because I am hungry too. It’s been a long time since we ate Mother’s mush. I knew he wanted to stop at the McDonald’s place. I also know it will be me who asks Mrs. A. to stop.

Can we eat at the McDonald’s place? You said they had burgers?

Yes. Sarah, they do. She winks.

Why is she winking? Daddy told me people wink at you when they love you, which is why he always winked at me. Not this lady. Mrs. A definitely doesn’t love me, and we’re not friends. I don’t want to be her friend. I want my friends from church. I want my kittens. I want my daddy.

A tear slides down my cheek. I look out the window so Mrs. A. can’t see it. I will not cry.

I want my daddy.

We’re here, kids. Let’s get out.

The big M I used to see on the way to church doesn’t look so big now. But I’m hungry, and I like hamburgers—and Curtis has already slid out of the car.

Hurry up, Sarah.

I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. That every thing is moving in slow motion.

Well, except for Curtis. He’s slamming the door and already heading to the restaurant.

A bird flies overhead. Just one. All by itself. It goes from the sign to a light pole and then to a tree.

I’m like that, going from one place to another… Is it sad like me? Is it alone like me? Does it have a family waiting for it somewhere—

Unlike me.

Sarah. A tug on my arm. " Sarah , we can not stand in this parking lot all day. Cars are trying to pull into parking spots.

Mother ? I spin around, but… it’s not Mother pulling on my arm, it’s Mrs. A.

I guess that’s better. Isn’t it?

I follow her into the building. Curtis is already inside, and he’s got a smile on his face that’s bigger than Mrs. A’s was in the car but not creepy looking.

What’s that smell?

Mrs. A walks us to the counter. That’s the smell of French fries.

I want that. I want that. Curtis is already at the counter.

I can see why. I’ve never smelled anything like this before.

Sarah, would you like anything to eat?

My stomach growls. I love hamburgers, but I want nothing from this witch.

No! I don’t care how nice she’s trying to be; she took me away from Daddy, and no food is going to make me feel better. Take me back to my daddy! I stomp my foot and don’t care that everyone’s looking at me or that the girl behind the counter heads into the back. I don’t care what any of them think; I just wanna go home. I want to go back to my Daddy.

Sarah, I wish I could do that, but we can’t.

Yes, you can. I don’t want to be at this stupid store with these stupid fries. I want you to take me to my daddy now!

Is everything okay out here? A man comes out from the back and comes up to Mrs. A.

She pulls some paper out of her purse and holds it out to the guy. I’m their caseworker.

Sarah, what’s a caseworker? Curtis leans against me.

Who knows? I tell him.

I have no clue what a caseworker is. All I know is what a Daddy is. Right now, I want to go back to mine and not stand at this counter next to this mean ole lady.

Sarah, if you don’t want to eat, you can sit in the car. I think your brother is hungry.

Curtis steps on my foot while he wraps his arms around my waist… He isn’t going anywhere.

Come on, Curtis. I’ll get you some lunch. She holds out her hand. Sarah, head out to the car and I’ll bring him out when we’re done eating.

Nope, I am not leaving my brother with you. No way.

Okay, child, have it your way. Do you want a burger, fries, shake, or anything? She can try to bribe me all she wants but it ain’t gonna work.

No, I want nothing from you! I scream.

Wow, can she get any louder? the girl with a big ponytail says while she writes down what Mrs. A is ordering.

The small kid dumping the French fries stops and looks at me. Holly crap, she’s loud.

I stare back at him with my arms crossed. Yes, I am. I don’t care who’s watching me.

Let’s go Sarah and grab a table to sit down. Mrs. A holds the tray of food as we walk to a table by the front door.

It doesn’t take long after we sit down before Curtis wolfs down all his fries, a burger, and a milkshake. Yup, he was hungry because he didn’t look up until his food was almost gone.

Did you like the burger, Curtis?

Yup.

Sarah, are you sure you don’t want anything to eat? We can get it to go if you like.

I want nothing from you. I scrunch my eyes together and cross my arms.

I hate this woman right now and want her to take me back to my house and leave me alone. I never want to see her again.

My face and ears feel like they are being burned by daddy’s torch.

I know you like animals; maybe this new home will have some?

I want to slap her. I want to be mean to this lady like my older brothers were with me. I don’t care about this new home, I don’t care if they have animals, and I don’t care about her because she took me from my sluice fort, my church, my new friends, my house, my Momma cat, my baby sister Emma, my mudpie station, and—my daddy.

My feet feel hot. My legs feel hot. My stomach feels hot. My arms feel hot—and my head explodes like a volcano.

Take me to my Daddy now. I stand up and head toward the door, but a man in a blue suit grabs me by the arm— just like Mother !

Hello, Mrs. Alexander. He walks me back to the table, squeezing my arm under my armpit.

Ouch, you’re hurting me. Let me go. I grab his fingers to try and get them off my arm and fall to the floor in an attempt to break free. It doesn’t work.

Before I know it, my feet are dangling in the air and his arms are wrapped around me as he walks toward Mrs. A.

You called?

I kick him in the leg. Let me go! Let me go!

Sarah, I’m Officer Joe. I’m a friend of Mrs. Alexander and here to help you.

The only way he can help me is by taking me back to Daddy, but I don’t think he’s going to. So I kick him again and run toward the glass door.

Get her! Don’t let her run out of the parking lot!

Mrs. A scrambles out of the booth, but I’m out the door. No way is she taking me anywhere but home—

Someone lifts me off my feet again.

No! Let me go! Let me go! I’m kicking and swinging my arms—I want to go to Daddy!

I’m sorry, Sarah, I can’t do that. It’s the man in the blue suit.

Let me go! My feet bang off his legs and I think I smack his shoulders, but nothing’s getting this guy to put me down.

Sarah, it’s okay. We are not going to hurt you. So now Mrs. A is being nice to me? Let her go, Officer Joe. Let me see if I can help her calm down.

Sarah, I am going to let you go. If you run, I will chase after you and put you back in this bear hug. Do you understand? Officer Joe sounds like he’s my friend, but he’s not letting me go, so…

That is not a bear hug! I scream. "Only my daddy does bear hugs, and you are not my daddy, so let me go! Put me down. You’re hurting me. I kick him in the leg again.

Ouch! His arms tighten. Calm down! I can’t let you go until you’re not so out of control.

I’m not letting this child go. The officer snaps at Mrs. A, who stands close to him holding the car door open.

Can you get her into the car?

Ouch, child, stop kicking. We are not going to hurt you.

Sarah, stop. Curtis grabs my arm. I don’t want him to take you away from me like they did Vinnie.

That was the perfect thing for Curtis to say to get my attention. Mother had found weird-looking cigarettes in Vinnie’s bag, so a cop had shown up and taken him to the police station. I didn’t want Officer Joe to do that to me.

I won’t leave you, Curtis. I stop. I don’t want to. I want to hurt Officer Joe or anyone else because I am so mad.

Sarah, get in the car with me. His voice cracks.

I look at my brother sitting next to the big garbage bags on the seat. Then I see it. Tears are sliding down his face. Put me down. I want to go with my brother.

Okay kid if you promise not to run away. I can’t have you run out in the road and get hit by a car.

I’m not going to promise this man anything. Just put me down now.

One thing I can say about this little lady, Mrs. A. You have a fighter on your hands. She is a determined young lady.

Yes, she is. And thank you for your help.

I climb into the back seat next to Curtis, who wraps his arms around me again.

Have a safe trip, kids. Officer Joe shuts the back door.

Aren’t police officers supposed to help you? That is what I learned in school. Then why didn’t he take me back to my daddy? Why didn’t he help me? Why?

The car ride continues.

Curtis’s head is against my chest and my face is up against the cold window again. My nose throbs just like when I stub my toe because it’s cold. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything, I don’t care.

Why did mother make us throw all of our stuff away in garbage bags and then make us bring them to a new family?

I close my eyes. I don’t have a mommy. I don’t have a daddy.

I have no one…

No one wants me.

The garbage bags move as Curtis lays his head on my lap and puts his feet on the seat, moving them out of the way. His eyes are closed.

I watch him for a second. My shoulders start to shake and the lump in my throat gets bigger and bigger. I can’t cry. I just can’t.

Curtis and me. That is all I have now… Curtis.

Children, we should arrive at your new home pretty soon.

My brother opens his eyes. Curtis and I said nothing back to her.

Sarah, why are we going to a new family? He squeezes my waist a little more with his head against my chest.

We’ve been in this car for what seems like forever, and he’s yet to let go of me.

We pass a church. I miss my church. I miss the kids and the songs and… and… just every thing. I close my eyes and lean back against the cold car window.

Jesus, we are almost wherever we’re goin’. My new… family? Are you still with me, Jesus? Because I would feel much better if I knew you were here. My teacher said you would be with me when I’m afraid—and I’m afraid. So, I hope she is right.

Children, look out the front window. She points with one hand. There’s the house at the end of the road. This is where you’ll be living now.

Curtis lets go of my waist and sits up straight, trying to look out to see what our new house looks like.

I do the same, and when I see it…

That’s where we’re going to be living?



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Chapter 2

Our New Home

"Sarah, do you see it? Do you see it?" Curtis jumps up and down in his seat like a spring is broken.

I see it. It is a big ol’ house with yellow siding and giant blue shudders that look like they’re going to fall off at any minute.

It’s ugly and looks like a dump.

I don’t want to live here. I don’t want a new family. Sure, Derek and the other boys were mean to me, but I had Daddy. And Mama Cat.

Wonder if there are any cats here.

I look around and—

Oh my gosh! There’s a horse!

Right there. In the field.

A horse.

It’s a beautiful black horse with a star in the middle of his forehead.

And, I swear, for a minute, we look into each other’s eyes and don’t look away, not even when Mrs. A. stops the car.

Okay, children, let’s go. Mrs. A. opens the door. "Grab your garbage bags, and let’s head in to meet your new