Listen To Your Heart

By S.J. Tyson

"I know I've said it to you a million times, but I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. And if you ever think of forgetting that, just listen to this album and remember. Listen to the words and the music. Listen to the title. Listen to your heart. And mine. I love you."

The summer of 1978 is a time of transition for eighteen-year-old Jessica Wright. She had just graduated from high school, and was preparing to leave home for the first time to enter college that fall. Then a chance meeting with charismatic Alpha Blue lead singer Julian Szary, nearly fourteen years her senior, changes all that. They begin an intense love affair that Jessica believes will last forever, but instead abruptly disintegrates before the summer is over. Though their relationship ends painfully, their deep love for one another remains. Jessica finds emotional support from her longtime best friend, Alexandra Delaney, in the turbulent times that follow.

More than a decade later, Jessica and Julian meet again, when Julian unexpectedly shows up at Jessica's front door. Jessica is now a single mother, and Julian has left his band and is now performing as a solo artist. Alex had always told Jessica to listen to her heart, that it would lead her to the right decision about her relationship with Julian. But should she follow her heart? Can she and Julian overcome the heartaches of the past, and together deal with an uncertain future?

• Language: English
• Publisher: S.J. Tyson
• Release date: Nov 24, 2013
• ISBN: 9781310404276

S.J. Tyson

S.J. Tyson was born and raised in southern New Jersey, and continues to reside there. She is the mother of two sons.

Book preview

Chapter 1

The mere sight of him standing there was all it took.

In that instant, the life of normalcy she had fought so hard to attain whirled in a complete tailspin. Her chaotic emotions wrestled for dominance as she fought to maintain her composure. Should she pummel this man with her fists and inflict as much pain upon him as possible? Or surrender totally and beg him to make passionate love to her right there on the doorstep?

For the moment she resisted the dichotomy of feelings and simply stared at him, unable to truly comprehend that he was actually standing there in her dimly-lit doorway. She had never expected to see him again. So much had happened, so many years ago. So much damage had been done. Why had he decided to reappear without warning after so long? Why? Why now? And why her?

Jessica?

His voice had the same cigarette-scarred huskiness she remembered so well. The sound of it still made her legs weak. Damn him! Why did the feelings have to be so strong? Why did it have to hurt so goddamn much?

Julian. Jessica masked her ambivalence with an unmistakable chill in her voice. She propped the screen door open with her arm as she spoke, but made no effort to make him feel welcome.

Julian cleared his throat and shifted from one foot to the other, visibly uncomfortable. Well, at least you remember me. But I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Jessica remained stone-faced. I can certainly think of better ways to be remembered.

His eyes lowered in shame. I was out of control then. A lot of things have changed. I'm not the same person I used to be.

Obviously. Otherwise you'd either be dead or in jail.

You're probably right, he agreed, oblivious to Jessica's intended sarcasm.

How did you find me?

It wasn't easy.

There was a tense lull in the conversation.

I'd really like to talk to you, Jessica, Julian finally said. Is it okay if I come in for a minute?

Okay to come in? She resisted the impulse to slam the door in his face. Though it had been years since their traumatic parting, the pain was still fresh, the anger still bitter. Nothing this man could possibly say would ever change the emotional and physical pain he had caused. But deep inside of Jessica, hidden away in a part of her that had never been shared with anyone but her best friend Alex, were the emotions she had locked away, the longing she would not allow herself to acknowledge. The lingering, all-consuming need for Julian that tortured her relentlessly. Even after all this time she still loved him desperately. She knew that would never change. Her love for him had become an integral part of her being, even in his absence, and she knew that, good or bad, it would be a part of her forever. She had long since accepted this, but still berated herself for hanging on, for holding onto him in her heart all those agonizing years. She felt even more angry at herself for allowing her defenses to weaken at the sight of him standing before her now.

Julian waited patiently for a response to his request. With great hesitation, Jessica ventured to look into Julian's penetrating emerald green eyes for the first time. Physically at least, it was true there were many changes. He had lost weight, at least thirty pounds by Jessica's silent estimation, and his face was showing the inevitable signs of middle age. The lines in his face were more prominent than in Jessica's vivid memory, but he was still just as handsome. Maybe even more so. His honey blond hair was shorter now, but still long enough to fall into a tousled, carefree style that perfectly framed his face. Gone were the threadbare jeans and t-shirts of his younger years, replaced now by casual but stylish trousers, shirt and jacket, all in black. He looked as if he had just stepped off the cover of a men’s fashion magazine, and much younger than his actual age of forty-two.

But there were some things about him that would never change. She remembered well those vivid green eyes that wordlessly conveyed so much. They were still as hypnotic as ever. It was those unforgettable eyes – and Julian's warm, comfortable smile – that had first attracted Jessica. She couldn't help but wonder if the smile she remembered so fondly was still as sweet. So far he hadn't had much reason to reveal it, so the answer was left to Jessica's own imagination for now. But did she really want to know? Did she really want to risk opening herself up to him again? If she invited him into her home, she knew she was taking the first step toward trusting him again. After all he had done, he didn't deserve a second chance. The end result of Jessica's short time with Julian had done little to dispel her general opinion of his kind…that rock stars were wild, selfish animals who had no consideration for anyone or anything, except of course their own overblown egos. And when they don’t get their own way…what angry, unpredictable creatures they become…

Jessica, can I come in? Julian asked again in a slightly more pleading tone. Please? I won't keep you long, I promise.

Still sporting the most bothered expression she could manage, Jessica suppressed her better judgment and impatiently motioned for him to enter before she could change her mind.

Julian stepped into the foyer and surveyed the immediate area of her modest home with interest. This place is really nice, he commented, seeming genuinely impressed by what he saw.

It serves its purpose. Jessica closed the door abruptly behind him and leaned against it, folding her arms stubbornly in front of her. Now what do you want?

Correctly sensing that Jessica was in no mood for casual banter, Julian began, I just…I just wanted to see you again. I wanted to let you know how sorry I am.

Sorry? If Julian's monumentally inadequate attempt at redemption had not been so painful, it might have been somewhat amusing. Maybe someday it would be. But not now. Not here. Not after everything Jessica had been forced to endure because of him. She shook her head slowly in disbelief. "Now you're sorry? It took you over a decade to decide you're sorry?!"

I know there's no excuse for my behavior, Jessica. I can't ever change what I‘ve done. But I was sick. I needed help. It took me a long time to get myself together, and even longer to get up enough courage to find you, to come here and tell you face-to-face how much I regret what I've done to you. I thought about you a lot over the years. I knew I would never be able to feel that my life was on the right track until I saw you again and at least tried to clear the air.

"Oh, I see. My forgiveness is the deciding factor, huh? All will be right with the world of Julian Szary as long as I assure you that everything you've done has been forgiven and forgotten, right? Is that what you want to hear? Well, I have news for you, Mr. Szary…you are never going to hear those words from me! Never!"

No, Jessica…please listen…

No, goddammit! Now it's your turn to listen! The venomous words spewed out of Jessica like an active volcano, arbitrarily leaving destruction in their wake. "In the eighteen years before I met you, and in all the years since, I have never been hurt by anyone, physically or emotionally, as terribly as you hurt me. I trusted you, you son of a bitch! I trusted you and you used me! I've spent all these years building a new life for myself, trying to forget that you ever existed. And now you have the balls to show up here and ask for my forgiveness?"

Jessica had to fight the urge to physically attack him. She had already bared more of her feelings than she'd intended. Why should she continue to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he'd succeeded in hurting her? She took a deep breath and tried to control herself.

I don't expect you to forgive me, he said quietly. I just wanted you to know that I really am sorry for everything that happened. I know that sounds insignificant, but I don't know what else to say to make you understand how much I honestly regret what happened. His expression softened. I didn't forget about you. Ever. I couldn't.

Is that supposed to make me feel better? she snapped.

Julian lowered his eyes and shook his head in resignation. No. I guess not. Hesitantly, he allowed his gaze to meet Jessica's furious stare. In a daring, impulsive moment, Julian raised his hand to brush Jessica's cheek affectionately. You're still so beautiful, Jessica, he whispered.

Desperate to ignore the exhilaration that washed over her at his touch, Jessica roughly pushed Julian's hand away. Don't touch me! she demanded. Don't you dare touch me again! You gave up that right a long time ago!

Julian nodded and withdrew as he sighed in defeat, avoiding Jessica's angry eyes. I suppose I should go.

That sounds like an excellent idea.

Before either of them made a move to open the door it unexpectedly swung open, striking them both in the process. A flurry of long blond hair and school books came bounding inside and headed up the stairs from the foyer, accompanied by a quick smile and a wave.

Valerie, stop right there! Jessica demanded.

The flaxen-haired, green-eyed ball of energy named Valerie froze in her tracks midway up the stairs. She turned to face Jessica with dread, anticipating her mother's harsh words, as Julian stood in silent witness.

You're late, Valerie, Jessica sternly reminded her daughter.

I know, Valerie whined. "But Ali and I were working really hard on our homework, and we lost track of time."

I think maybe you were watching a television show with Ali and lost track of time. Sound more like it?

Valerie smiled sheepishly. We really did start out studying, but we kind of got interrupted…we didn’t realize how late it was…really…it was a mistake, Mom…honest…

Okay, okay. But you're only allowed one mistake a year, and this one is it. Got it?

Valerie nodded briskly and smiled in relief. Yeah. Thanks, Mom. She turned quickly and continued her sprint up the stairs toward the safety of her bedroom.

Valerie, wait one minute! I'm not done yet!

Valerie stopped and turned back toward Jessica, rolling her eyes in disgust. Uh-oh, she murmured to no one in particular. I knew I got off too easy. Here it comes…

I'd like to introduce you to someone, Valerie, Jessica said, her voice turning strangely cold as she referred to Julian. This is Julian Szary, an…old friend of mine. Jessica motioned toward Valerie. Julian, this is my daughter, Valerie.

Valerie nodded and half-heartedly waved toward Julian in acknowledgment of the introduction. Hi, she said in a bored voice. Then suddenly Valerie studied Julian's face as if his appearance had morphed into something wildly interesting right before her eyes. Hey, wait a minute! I know you! You're a singer, right? You're, like, famous!

Julian laughed easily and nodded, proving to Jessica that her hunch was correct. That gorgeous smile was still the same. Damn him!

You know my mom? Valerie asked Julian in awe.

Julian nodded and glanced at Jessica. Your mother and I have known each other for a long time.

Wow! Valerie exclaimed, her eyes glued in amazement to the bona fide celebrity that stood only a few feet away from her in her very own home. I can't believe it! This is great, Mom! I didn't know you had any cool friends!

Jessica wanted to smile at her daughter's gushing admiration, but she held back. Okay, Valerie. Show's over. Go to your room, please.

But, Mom… she complained, as she unsuccessfully attempted secretive glances in Julian's direction.

We'll talk later, Jessica said firmly.

Oh…okay. Valerie smiled mischievously. Later. I get it. She waved demurely at Julian. See you later. Then she disappeared into her bedroom, her long hair streaming behind her.

She's a beautiful child, Julian commented.

Thank you. I think so.

I didn't realize you were married, Julian said, obviously glancing at Jessica's left hand.

Jessica raised her hand front of his face in plain sight, spreading her fingers apart for emphasis. Not married.

Divorced?

His prying questions were beginning to irritate her. No, not that it's any of your business. I met another loser after you, and when I got pregnant he dumped me. Someone told me he died a few years back but I really don't know for sure, and I certainly don't care. In any case he never made any attempt to contact me or Valerie. As far as my daughter and I are concerned he's dead anyway.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Don't be. Valerie and I have done just fine on our own. She's very well adjusted.

She seems very mature. How old is she again?

He was not subtle. Jessica could see the questioning look in his eyes. The wheels were already turning, ready to do some quick calculations.

She's nine, going on middle age, Jessica snapped. Any other questions?

Much to Jessica's surprise, he did not pursue the matter further. As he reached for the door to leave, he said with quiet regret, I really do wish things could have been different. In a courageous moment, likely sure from Jessica's tone that he would never see her again, Julian gently kissed Jessica on the cheek before she could stop him. And then he dealt his parting blow in a haunted, heartbroken voice…

I've always loved you, Jessica. I always will.

It was she who felt the need to avoid his eyes now, as the walls she had created to contain her feelings began to crumble. Her eyes stung with restrained tears, her chest tightened with suppressed sobs. She fought to hold it all in. She had to be strong. She could not let him know how much she still loved him. Maybe if she looked away, she could resist him. As long as she didn't have to look into his eyes. Those eyes. Those remarkable eyes…

Julian smiled sadly before turning to leave, disappearing silently into the darkness of the evening. Jessica immediately closed the door between them and leaned against it for support.

Valerie reappeared at the top of the stairs a few minutes later.

Why are you crying, Mommy?

It's nothing, honey, Jessica assured her, trying as best she could to smile through the persistent tears that stained her flushed cheeks. It's been a long day, and I'm just really, really tired.

It's Julian, isn't it? she asked solemnly, totally discounting her mother's feeble excuse.

Don't you worry about it, Jessica said, as she slowly climbed the stairs to where Valerie stood, and draped her arm around her daughter’s shoulders. I'm okay. Everything will be better after I've had a good night's sleep.

I hope it's not Julian, Valerie said confidentially. He's really cute. You know…for an old guy. Valerie gazed up at her mother and smiled, obviously smitten with their unexpected visitor.

Jessica had to laugh. "Old guy? Forty-two is not that old!"

Valerie shrugged. Will he be coming back?

Her expression saddened once again. No, honey. I don't think so.

Oh. Valerie sighed dejectedly. Well, I guess I can still tell my friends that he was here and I got to meet him. But they'll never believe it! I'm so dumb! I shoulda taken a picture or something for proof.

A picture…

Once Valerie had finally settled into bed for the night, Jessica rummaged through the hall closet until she found some old, forgotten photo albums from years ago. They had been thrown haphazardly in the back corner of the closet right after she and Valerie had moved in, and were now buried beneath piles of empty boxes. Jessica's heart pounded heavily as she turned each dust-covered page with care, skimming through the pictures of herself, of her estranged parents, of Alex.

Then she found the picture she was searching for. A single frayed and faded photograph that had been shoved carelessly between two pages in haste. Jessica removed the picture from the book and examined it closely.

The couple in the photograph seemed foreign to Jessica now. The girl was so young, the epitome of innocence and hope. Smiling, blissfully happy, her long chestnut brown hair cascaded past her shoulders onto her navy blue t-shirt bearing the name Alpha Blue emblazoned in reflective silver across the front. Her well-worn jeans seemed to blend perfectly into those of the man who sat beside her. He held her close, his arm wrapped around her shoulders protectively. The dark polo shirt he wore was a variation to his usual preference for t-shirts. His wavy shoulder length blond hair surrounded his beaming face, the infectious grin, those irresistible green eyes…

Julian Szary and Jessica Wright. So happy. So in love.

He had been Jessica's first true love. Her first love. Her first lover.

As Jessica stared at the picture, the acrimony returned with a vengeance. She hated herself for being so naive. Or maybe she had just been incredibly stupid. The love that she had been so sure would last a lifetime had barely lasted a fraction of that time. Their brief but intense relationship was over almost as quickly as it had begun. But unbeknownst to Jessica at the time, she was already pregnant with Julian's child when the photograph was taken. Tears filled her eyes at the thought. She had been pregnant as she sat there beside him, but he had never known. By the time Valerie was born many months later, their separation was complete and irrevocable.

Jessica had not looked at the picture in years. She never dared, fearful of the strong reactions she knew it would bring. She had tried to forget it existed, and had eventually succeeded, until now. As she stared at the picture, she fully realized for the first time how much Valerie physically resembled Julian. Maybe that was the subconscious reason why Jessica's heart ached every time her beautiful young daughter looked up at her. With her father's eyes. Her father's smile.

Tears from Jessica's eyes spontaneously splattered onto the photograph clutched tightly in her hand. One picture. The only visual, absolute record that Valerie's parents had been together, had been a couple, had been in love. A faded picture – and of course, Valerie herself – was all that was left.

Jessica could not allow Valerie to see this picture. If she did, she would know immediately they were more than just friends. She was still a child, but she was a precocious child and very perceptive. Jessica slid the photograph carefully into her pocket. Her daughter must never see this picture. She would never allow Valerie to know the truth about Julian. Never.

Jessica stopped at the doorway of her daughter's room to check on her as she passed by on her way to bed. She found Valerie sleeping peacefully. Jessica retreated to her bedroom, where she removed a small bible from the night stand beside her bed. The bible's white leather exterior was old and worn, but the pages inside were crisp and well-tended. It had been a gift from her parents at her first Holy Communion many years ago, and Jessica had treasured it since. Opening the book to a random page, she placed the picture inside with care. After returning the bible to its secure spot safely within the drawer of the table, Jessica undressed and crawled into bed. She was exhausted but found she was unable to sleep. For hours she stared at frozen shadows on the ceiling, wondering how she could still love Julian so much after everything he had done. She had always hoped that the calm, rational human being that had visited her home that evening had somehow survived somewhere deep inside him. But now that it appeared he had finally evolved into that person, she was too hurt, too angry, too afraid to let him close enough to see if it could really work. To see if, as she had believed when they first fell in love, they were truly meant to be together.

She longed for Alex's advice. Alex would know what to do.

Listen, Jessie.

Listen…

Chapter 2

Jessica's reluctance to renew her relationship with Julian was soon challenged by her daughter's fierce determination to bring them together. When Jessica arrived home from work the evening following Julian's visit, she found Valerie sitting at the kitchen table, smiling broadly. A large bouquet of red roses in a clear crystal cut vase sat perched on the table in front of her.

If he's got enough money to afford those, he's too old for you, Jessica admonished Valerie, as she tiredly tossed her purse and jacket onto the nearest available chair.

"Mother!! They're not mine! They're for you!"

Me? Jessica examined them curiously. Who would be sending me flowers?

Dunno. Valerie flashed a knowing smile.

Okay, you rotten kid, Jessica said with a laugh. Hand over the card.

Valerie produced the card from her lap and shrugged. I was just checking to see who they were for. You never know.

Yeah, sure. Jessica took the card from the unsealed envelope with some anxiety. She prayed there was nothing incriminating written inside that Valerie might question. But she had no reason to worry. The card simply read, Thought these might brighten your day a little. Love, Julian. Jessica slid the card back into the envelope and gazed at the flowers. It looks like more than a dozen…

"It is! It's two dozen! I counted them twice to make sure!"

Thank you, Valerie.

The vase is so pretty, Valerie commented, running her fingertips lightly over the surface of the elaborately cut crystal. I'll bet he took a long time picking this out.

I'll bet he ordered it over the phone and never saw it. Jessica picked up the flowers and moved them to a vacant spot on an end table in the living room.

You don't know for sure, Valerie protested. I think you should at least thank him. Don't you?

How can I thank him? I don't even know where he is.

Well, if you did know, you'd thank him. Right?

Of course.

Okay. She nodded in satisfaction, as if she had just successfully negotiated The Deal Of The Century between them.

What are you planning, Sherlock? You'll never be able to find him, so don't even try.

I didn't say anything, she said innocently.

Don't push it, Valerie. Jessica turned away to admire the flowers, secretly smiling in amusement at her daughter's antics. Valerie's nine-going-on-forty-five brain was working overtime on this one. She was obviously planning something, though Jessica couldn't imagine what it could be. Short of calling every hotel within a fifty mile radius, there wasn't much chance that Valerie would be able to locate Julian.

Mom?

Yes?

Can we go to the mall for dinner tonight?

Oh, I don't know, honey, Jessica sighed, as she dreamily arranged the roses. I'm kind of tired tonight.

I'll treat, Valerie offered.

Jessica burst out laughing and looked at Valerie over her shoulder. With what, may I ask?

I have some money, she said defensively. Please, can we go? We don't have to stay long. We can just eat and come home if you want to. Please?

Since when do you go to the mall, eat, and then come straight home? I thought it was a requirement that we visit every single store at least once whenever we set foot in the place?

I don't feel like shopping. I just want to go out and eat, and come home.

If you don't want to shop, then why do you want to go to the mall? We can just go to a restaurant nearby…

But I like the one at the mall.

Jessica eyed her daughter curiously. What about your homework?

It's done. I did it right after school.

Now I know something's definitely up.

C'mon, Mom. Please?

Well, we haven't really gone out in a while… Jessica considered her daughter's request. Okay, I guess so. But I want to get going now, so we can get back early and relax. It's still a school night, and I don't want you up all hours of the night. We are not going to be staying until the mall closes, understand?

No problem! Valerie jumped from her seat, grabbed her jacket, and bolted for the front door. Jessica caught her arm as she raced by.

Why are you so anxious? Jessica asked, narrowing her eyes. I know you like the mall, but this is ridiculous!

Valerie's eyes softened to green pools as she gazed up at her mother with the most practiced puppy dog look she could muster. It's just 'cause I love you, Mom. I like it when we go out together, that's all. Her voice dripped with sugary sweetness.

Uh-huh. Right. Jessica tried to look disapproving but found herself smiling instead. You've got something planned here, and somehow I will figure out what it is.

The mall was crowded, as usual, filled with roving groups of teenagers and families attempting to shop while reining in youngsters running in all directions at the same time. Not the most relaxing environment for dinner, but Jessica hadn't taken Valerie there for quite a while, so she was willing to muddle through the chaos for one night. Once they sat at their table in Valerie's chosen restaurant, Valerie fidgeted restlessly in her seat. She seemed distracted and her eyes continually searched the area around their table, to Jessica's great annoyance. After repeatedly attempting conversation with Valerie and her wandering gaze and consistently receiving an inattentive What? in response, Jessica gave up and ate her dinner in silence. Valerie's swiveling head soon got on her nerves, and she slammed her fork down on the table to get her daughter's attention.

Valerie, what are you looking for? she asked in exasperation.

Ummm…Ali. She said she would be here tonight.

Well, we didn't come here to spend the night looking for Ali, Jessica said irritably. Eat or we're leaving now! I knew I was going to be sorry I agreed to this.

Valerie hunched over her plate and ate slowly, but her eyes continued to discreetly scan the immediate area around them. Then something caught her attention. Valerie sat up straight, her eyes and smile bright with recognition, and waved.

I assume you found Ali, Jessica said unenthusiastically, without turning to look. Thank God!

Valerie's eyes followed the object of her attention, her expression progressively brightened until Jessica truly believed that her daughter would glow in the dark if the mall was struck with a sudden power failure at that very moment. But why was she so pleased to see Ali? Of course, she was Valerie's best friend, but she saw the girl every day at school, and usually after school as well. It had only been a matter of hours since they had last seen one another. Why would seeing her now be so enthralling? Maybe Ali owed her money.

Hi, Valerie, said a familiar masculine voice behind Jessica.

Hi, Julian! Valerie responded cheerfully.

Jessica nearly choked on her food. She coughed and slowly lowered her fork to the tabletop, all the while glaring at her sneaky, scheming daughter.

Look, Mom! It's Julian! Valerie pointed out unnecessarily.

Yes, I can see that, Jessica said through clenched teeth, without looking in Julian's direction. She was too busy boring imaginary holes through her daughter with her searing stare.

Hello, Jessica, Julian said, forcing Jessica to acknowledge him in some way.

Hello, she responded curtly without turning around. Jessica fixed her angry stare on her totally innocent plate of food while silently wishing she was on another planet.

Before Julian could absorb that he was not particularly welcome, Valerie piped up. Why don't you sit down with us for a minute and visit? she suggested with a beaming smile.

Jessica was mortified when he accepted and sat down across from Jessica in the seat next to Valerie. The waitress immediately arrived to take Julian's order and his only request was a cup of coffee. Valerie smiled proudly in smug satisfaction at the successful coup she had apparently orchestrated.

Jessica had to admit to herself that she had been blatantly and sufficiently conned by a nine year old. She suddenly lost her appetite.

Valerie, I want you to run down to the Dollar Store and pick up some notebooks and pens for school, Jessica ordered, as she rummaged impatiently through her purse searching for money.

But I don't need…

Just get them and meet me back here when you're done.

Why?

Now, Valerie!

Valerie knew that tone of voice all too well, and she knew the situation had now passed the point of possible debate. She looked longingly at Julian, wishing that she did not have to leave him, even for a second. Julian stood to help Valerie out of her seat, and to her great joy he stroked her hair affectionately in farewell as she walked away. Julian watched Valerie fondly until she disappeared into the mainstream of shoppers.

As soon as Valerie was out of earshot and the waitress had placed Julian's coffee on the table and walked away, Jessica let loose with the tirade she had been suppressing since Julian’s arrival. How dare you use my daughter this way! she spat out under her breath. You had no right!

Julian snapped to attention. Wait a minute! he interrupted, as he slid back into his chair. What are you talking about?

You're using my daughter! You're using her to get to me, and you know it! It's so obvious, it's pathetic! What did you do? Call her up before I got home to set this all up?

I called earlier, yes, but I wanted to talk to you. Valerie told me you weren't home. I told her I planned on coming by to see you tonight, but she said you wouldn't like that. She suggested a chance meeting in a public place might be better. Julian smiled admiringly. This from a nine year old. Very smart. She's one hell of a kid.

She's the only part of my life you haven't trashed, Jessica snapped bitterly. I'm warning you now, Julian! Stay away from her! I don't want you involved with her in any way! I won't let you do to her what you did to me! I won't let you hurt her, too!

Julian's smile faded in an instant. He shook his head slowly in frustration. His fingers curled into tight fists on the tabletop. What do I have to do to make you understand that I'm not the same person I was before?

I may never understand, Julian. I've had to live with a lot of horrible memories because of you. I don't know if I can ever forget.

Does that mean there's still a chance you might try? he asked hopefully.

Jessica's voice was losing conviction and she knew it. I don't know, she responded half-heartedly. I just don't know.

Julian surprised Jessica by taking her hands in his, seizing her moment of weakness. Just give me this chance, Jessica. Please.

Jessica withdrew from his grasp. You don't understand. I'm not the only one who stands to lose now. I have to think of my daughter.

Julian looked incredulous. For God's sake, Jessica, she's a child! I would never hurt her!

How am I supposed to know that? I never thought you'd hurt me either, and I was wrong about that, too.

Her sharp words pierced his heart like a dagger. Julian pushed his undisturbed coffee away and stood up. Well, I guess if you don't even trust me with your daughter, there's not much point in pursuing this conversation further is there? He burrowed deeply into the pocket of his leather jacket, pulled out a tangle of bills, and threw a selected few on the table. That'll take care of your dinner, he said coldly. I'm sorry I interrupted it. I won't bother you again. Just please tell Valerie I said goodbye.

Just as he turned to leave, Valerie ran up and blocked his exit. Where are you going, Julian? She looked panicked at the sight of him leaving with