A Beginner's Guide To Christmas

By Jennifer Joyce

Ruth usually spends Christmas curled up on her parents’ sofa, watching feel-good movies whilst being fed festive food and drink until she can no longer move. But Ruth’s perfect Christmas is shattered when her mum receives a DIY-induced injury and Ruth is forced to take over the preparations.

Shopping. Cooking. A house full of hyped-up kids.

Christmas may no longer be the most wonderful time of the year.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jennifer Joyce
• Release date: Nov 6, 2013
• ISBN: 9781311721617

Book preview

A Beginner’s Guide To Christmas

Copyright 2013 by Jennifer Joyce

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author.

Smashwords Edition

First published in 2013

Cover design: Jennifer Joyce

Cover images: Jennifer Joyce & Vector Stock

Find out more about the author at jenniferjoycewrites.co.uk

TABLE OF CONTENTS

The Unofficial Office Party

Last-Minute Shopping – Part 1

Baking

Christmas Is (Unfortunately) All About The Kids – Part 1

Last-Minute Shopping – Part II

Shit! The Presents!

Christmas Is (Unfortunately) All About The Kids – Part II

Turkey

Homemade Crackers

Christmas Is (Unfortunately) All About The Kids – Part III

The Boxing Day Buffet

Guests

Extract: A Beginner’s Guide To Salad

About The Author

CHRISTMAS EVE EVE:

The Unofficial Office Party

We’d already had our official Christmas party three weeks ago, but this felt like the real thing, the chance to let our hair down and get pissed before Santa dropped down the chimney. It helped that the party was ‘impromptu’ (though I don’t know how you can label a party that happens at the same time every year as impromptu) so partners weren’t invited. The workers of H Wood Vehicles all downed tools at five on the dot on the day before Christmas Eve and gathered in the rotting cave that was The Bonnie Dundee, a grimy pub on the outskirts of the business park where we worked. The plan was to get hammered and the wisest amongst us had booked Christmas Eve off long ago so our reckless drinking would have little consequence.

‘Is that all you’re drinking?’ My friend – and also the receptionist at H. Woods – was drinking what appeared to be orange juice. At a party! And she wasn’t even pregnant.

‘Alex booked the day off before me so I have to cover reception all day.’ Quinn pulled a face as she took a sip of the child’s drink.

Rookie mistake. I’d fallen for that the first year I’d worked at H. Woods, before I knew of the infamous Unofficial Office Party. As a long-suffering member of H. Woods, Quinn should have known better.

‘Make sure you book Christmas Eve off for next year. Do it as soon as you’re back in after Christmas.’ That’s what I did. That way Kelvin Shuttleworth, my pain in the arse boss, would have no excuse not to authorise the holiday.

Lesson 1: Book Christmas Eve off on 2nd January. Do it quick, before you’ve even removed your jacket.

‘Ladies!’ Phil Gunner, Production Manager and owner of the tightest jeans known to man, approached us, bellowing over Wizzard’s ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’. ‘Can I get you a drink?’

‘I’m ok, thank you.’ He was clearly talking to Quinn – and trying to have an ogle down her top, filthy beggar – but I answered anyway.

‘Quinn?’ Phil leant in towards her, sloshing his pint over her shoes. Quinn stepped back, shaking her foot and examining the damage.

Lessons 2 & 3: Pace yourself and never wear your best shoes to office Christmas parties. If beer doesn’t ruin them, vomit probably will.

‘I’m alright, Phil. But thanks anyway.’ Quinn flashed a tight smile before stomping off towards the ladies to try and salvage her suede boots. I was about to follow – not necessarily because I wanted to help but more to get away from Phil and his skin-tight jeans – when the sight of an approaching slutty Mrs Claus stopped me in my tracks. Angelina Littleman tottered towards Phil in what I guessed was a child’s costume, her gusset practically on view above the white fur trim of the so-called skirt. She whispered in Phil’s ear and he responded by grabbing her arse – in full view of the entire pub – while Angelina giggled and bit her glossy red lip. They disappeared out of the pub together, Phil’s jeans now even tighter at the front.

Lesson 4: Don’t let your partner go to a Christmas office party alone if Angelina Littleman will be there. Yes, Mrs Gunner, I’m talking to you.

Alone now, I fought my way to the bar before going in search of my