Murderous Critters, Cattle Capers(tm) #1

By DAWN KRAVAGNA

Murderous Critters is a trio of outrageously funny mystery short stories, the first collection in a series featuring the comic animal characters from the world of Cattle Capers(tm).

The Magician's Trick: City of Boville police intern Crazy Cal’s life is in peril when he goes undercover to investigate a murderous magician who may be performing more than just harmless tricks onstage.

The Dino Sore Mystery: When a T-Rex skeleton collapses, crushing Professor Mel Linhead to death at the Boville Natural History Museum, Police Detective Adam Steer is summoned to investigate. Was it a bizarre accident or is bone dealer Antonio Doggunnit doing more than just digging up dog bones for mutts to munch on?

The Mootana Murders: Adam Steer, accompanied by sidekick Crazy Cal, expects an uneventful visit to his uncle’s ranch in Big Twig, Mootana. But someone is gunning after Uncle Fibius and the killer seems to have his sights trained on more than just one target.

And in the extra tidbit of a tale, Whopper Fish: Boville Police Chief Pork needs a fishing license to catch whopper fish in Lake Vermin, but he may throttle employees at the State Licensing Bureau before he can obtain one. However, after all the frustration of dealing with government bureaucrats, is he also the victim of a big whopper of a fish tale?
Appropriate for teens and adults. Not for young children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: DAWN KRAVAGNA
• Release date: Feb 25, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301653423

DAWN KRAVAGNA

Dawn grew up in the Seattle area and attended the University of Washington, graduating with an Honors Degree in English, emphasizing Creative Writing. She is also a cartoonist, Flash animator, and caricaturist with a preference for comedy writing. She loves animals, particularly feisty little terriers.

Book preview

Murderous Critters

Cattle Capers™ Comedy Mystery Trilogy #1

By Dawn Kravagna

Smashwords Edition

All contents, including pictures, are ©2013 Dawn Kravagna as an ebook.

© 2007 The Magician’s Trick was originally published in 2007 as an Amazon Short.

© 2008 The Dino Sore Mystery

© 2012 The Mootana Murders

This is a work of fiction and is a product of the author’s imagination.

(You may have figured that out already.)

Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, products, or locales is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in or introduced into a database or retrieval system, without prior written permission of the author who is the copyright holder. Use of cartoons is absolutely prohibited without written permission from the author.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the copyright owner is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions. Your support of the author’s/cartoonist’s rights is appreciated. Please remember the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you’d like to be treated; if you’re one of my fans, you likely already do.

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"Are not five sparrows sold for two cents?

Yet not one of them

is forgotten before God."

—Jesus, Luke 12:6

Dedicated to the best writer’s critique group on the planet, the Seattle Rainy Day Writers: Marianne, Karen, Sherri, Kristine, and Josefin. You gals are the greatest. Thanks for all your help in making my trilogy the best it can be and for being my friends.

Love you all.

Murderous Critters

Cattle Capers™ Comedy Mystery Triology #1

This is the first Cattle Capers™ anthology. Not all story ideas translate to a full novel, but my cartoon world has so many delightful secondary characters that I wanted to explore their personalities and cartoon world further in the short story format.

The Magician’s Trick: City of Boville police intern Crazy Cal’s life is in peril when he goes undercover to investigate a murderous magician who may be performing more than just harmless tricks onstage.

The Dino Sore Mystery: When a T-Rex skeleton collapses, crushing Professor Mel Linhead to death at the Boville Natural History Museum, Police Detective Adam Steer is summoned to investigate. Was it a bizarre accident or is bone dealer Antonio Doggunnit doing more than just digging up dog bones for mutts to munch on?

The Mootana Murders: Adam Steer, accompanied by sidekick Crazy Cal, expects an uneventful visit to his uncle’s ranch in Big Twig, Mootana. But someone is gunning after Uncle Fibius and the killer seems to have his sights trained on more than just one target.

And in the extra little tidbit of a tale, Whopper Fish: Boville Police Chief Pork needs a fishing license to catch whopper fish in Lake Vermin, but he may throttle employees at the State Licensing Bureau before he can obtain one. However, after all the frustration of dealing with government bureaucrats, is he also the victim of a big whopper of a fish tale?

Table of Contents

Capersode #1: The Magician’s Trick

Capersode #2: The Dino Sore Mystery

Capersode #3: The Mootana Murders

And a little tidbit: Whopper Fish

THE MAGICIAN’S TRICK

The Great Fletcher is going to be sorry, calling Crazy Cal up to the stage, Chief of Police Pork whispered into Adam’s left ear.

Adam merely twitched his bovine ears in response, straining to catch the magician’s greeting to the bull, Cal. Why any performer would choose the police intern as a volunteer from the audience was a mystery. With one broken horn and the other wrapped in tin foil to catch alien radio messages and a grin that revealed a space between the front teeth wide enough to pull a mouse through, Cal looked like a real idiot. Perhaps that was the reason: He looked too stupid to discover the trickery behind the magic. But Cal always had a few surprises to pull out of his own sleeve—when he bothered to put on clothing.

You’ve never met me before? Fletcher asked Cal. Shunning the stereotypical black, the magician was immaculately arrayed in a silver blue cloak, cummerbund, and top hat. A scarlet blouse and slacks concealed his hyena’s stripes. His assistant, a white poodle in red sequined leotards, placed a small stand on the stage before them.

No, sir, never heard of you before tonight.

The audience guffawed. The hyena betrayed his agitation by swinging his bushy black-and-white tail. Laying one arm across Cal’s back, he yanked him before the table on which sat a black silk cloth concealing a shoebox shape.

Well, well, my young friend, you mustn’t get out much. Turning to the audience, Fletcher added, My upcoming overseas shows in Moosecow and Lionden are sold out.

Adam punched Pork playfully in the arm. The chief wasn’t too enthusiastic about accepting the free tickets Sheriff Hoggsbutter had offered them to the show, but this was going to be an interesting night after all.

With a dramatic flourish, the magician ripped off the cover, revealing a canary in a golden cage. The bird leaned limply against the front bars.

He doesn’t look too happy being caged up, Cal said. There was an odd fleck of brown coating its nostrils, as if the bird was ill.

No, he doesn’t, The Great Fletcher said. That is why YOU are going to help me release him.

You want me to push this little lever here…? As Cal’s nose neared the cage, the canary turned his head and whispered, Help me.

What was that? a surprised Cal asked.

The hyena slapped Cal’s hand away from the lever and pulled him backwards, nearly upsetting his balance. You’ve examined the cage, Fletcher spoke to Cal while facing the audience; his crooked smile revealed two gold-plated fangs. And it’s clear that the bird is alive.

Yes, sir. I’d hate to think you enjoy entertaining with a corpse.

The audience roared in laughter.

Listen, you putz, the magician hissed low enough to be heard by Cal but not the audience. Just answer and don’t editorialize.

Cal caught a glimpse of desperation on the canary’s face when the hyena slipped the cloth back over the cage. Lifting the golden prison, he presented it to Cal.

Just place your two hands under the bottom and hold on tight.

Two drum rolls sounded from offstage. Maybe he was being melodramatic, but it sounded ominous to Cal, like thunder announcing a violent storm.

Begone! Fletcher ripped the cloth from the cage. There was a loud snap. The cage collapsed and flattened. The canary had vanished.

Cal attempted to lift the cage and peep underneath, but Fletcher snatched it from Cal’s hands while calling out, Come forth, my feathered friend, and take your bow.

From upstage right a canary flew across the stage and alighted on Fletcher’s left shoulder. Wearing a silver blue top hat that matched the magician’s, it took a bow. The audience cheered and clapped its approval.

Thanks for being such a good sport, Fletcher proclaimed, pushing Cal toward stage right. Let’s give the cow a hand.

Dipstick, the famous magician added under his breath. The canary, bowing and fluttering its wings on Fletcher’s shoulder, looked much more animated than it had in the cage. Cal leaned to address the canary, but the poodle steered him down the staircase into the audience.

You were great, Pork said as Cal settled into the seat next to him. That’s why we hired you as an intern at Precinct Thirteen: You keep us entertained.

I thought it was to annoy Lt. Cluck, Adam added. And the fact that we pay him with lemon jelly donuts.

Instead of responding with his usual sarcasm, Cal was uncharacteristically silent throughout the remaining hour of The Great Fletcher’s performance.

What’s wrong with you? Adam asked as the two bulls entered their apartment. The snoring of the grizzly bear next door roared through the living room. You’re usually as chatty as a rap singer on a caffeine high.

My subconscious had cued into something, Cal said, flopping down onto the couch and plumping a Rococo-styled pillow. But I couldn’t put a hoof onto it. Till now.

"Anything popping out of your subconscious scares me."

The canary.

What about the bird? Normally uncontrollably curious, Adam wasn’t in the mood for mysteries. It was nearing midnight and he was too weary to contemplate even slipping into his pajamas.

He didn’t have a dirty nose.

That may be highly unusual for you, but not for most critters.

Cal leaned forward, suddenly animated. The canary in the cage had brown crusty stuff on his nose, like he had puked up something or blew out a big, honking wad of snot.

Please dispense with the gory details, Adam said. I still have dinner on one of my stomachs.

The canary sitting on Fletcher’s shoulder had a clean nose.

So, he wiped it off before he flew back onto the stage. Probably on Fletcher’s nice black cloth. Some critters do believe in using a hankie, unlike a certain roommate. Adam tried not to think about the green goop he found hanging from the showerhead last night after he had stepped into the bathtub and was about to