The Fellowship of the Whatever

By Jonathan Vu

After years on earth, an innocent intergalactic researcher gets caught up in an unexpected adventure. After escaping death multiple times, he finds that his home planet is in danger and returns to save it from an oncoming invasion.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jonathan Vu
• Release date: Feb 10, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301612550

Jonathan Vu

Dear readers, I hope you are looking forward to the nest book in this series, seeing as how i can't just leave this one. I am working hard to finish it, but it may be only a short story, giving this book an ending. If you have opinions, please post them in the review column, and please review the book even if you don't have anything to say about the nest book. Thanks! P.S. the coupon code for this book is KV63M until July 1st

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

I think that before I tell you this tale of adventure, you should know my name. So here it is: Uthenberger XII. That’s pronounced oo-thin-ber-ger. Not yoo-thin-ber-ger. I know it’s a strange name. But I come from the planet eXileron in the fourth quadrant of the galaxy of Jativinees. So, if you will, just call me Berger. It’s also the name of a popular American food. But I’m getting ahead of myself. You do get ahead when you’re being walked to your own execution. So let me start over.

I was born in 1200 B.O.R.F. (before organic rocket fuel). Or as humans like to call it, B.C. they also think of it as a long time, but really I’m quite young at age three thousand, two hundred and twelve years old. If you want to see old, my great, great Grandmother is fifty-five million, two hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred and fifty two. It’s quite a mouthful really. My life was average, riding my hover scooter to space school until I was five hundred. I remember at age one thousand when I got my rocketeer’s license.

When I was one thousand five hundred, I got a job as a foreign galaxy researcher. That’s when the trouble started. I used to fly all over the universe, looking for new species, finding new planets, and buying myself star burgers. Once I even got a hyper speed ticket. I mean; can you imagine that? Poor, young, reckless and crazy me getting a ticket! How ridiculous! That space cop must’ve been blind.

Well, one day a few years ago they sent me to research the planet Earth. It was one of the strangest worlds I had ever been to. I learned many new things. One of my favorites would be sarcasm.

I still happen to be here on Earth. I’m stuck in a country called by the odd name of Aazuh. But the strange life forms here, known by the more common name of humans, spell it Asia.

I’ve disguised myself for twelve years. But just last month I was discovered. I was limited to a small cell, which for some reason had padded walls. And the guards kept saying something about a mental fool. I believe it was directed toward me.

Then came the day when I had gathered enough information about the cramped, padded containment devices of humans. I melted the walls into liquid, and then used a special device to evaporate the guards into dust. But more came, and I was overpowered. Within the next day I was convicted of murder.

I argued my case well, if I do say so myself.

Your Honor, I plead innocent, I said. These men are still alive; they are simply invisible particles of dust floating around in a void of space and are invisible to us.

Unfortunately, the judge said if I could not get them back, I was sentenced to fifty years in prison. This was not a long time for me, but I was so angry that I did kill one of the men.

Now three supposed murders done, I was sentenced to death. And that brings me back to the introduction of this story, where I tell you my name, home planet, all that jazz. And now I’m being walked toward a metal chair with straps on it that looks as if it is about to have a few hundred thousand volts of electricity run through it and into my bodily form, whereupon I die.

Not the most pleasant death, even if I have four lives left to live. But for those of you who play those most boring things called video games, even though they are simple compared to ours, you know it is not good to waste a life.

Ever.

CHAPTER 2

Now we get to the action part of the story. Please do not read this unless you are twelve or older or have parental permission.

As they led me to the chair of metal, a plan formed in my mind. I have always been one for planning. I would sit down in the chair. Then as they were about to turn it on, I evaporate the straps, throw them in the chair, turn it on and leave. I know, your thinking That’s murder!

But I felt the need to add to my reputation as a murderer. So as I sat down in that cold metal chair, I slipped the evaporator from my pocket.

This is gonna get nasty, the guard informed me. So you might want to brace yourself.

It’s gonna get nasty all right, I said back to him. For you.

Then I evaporated the straps and knocked him to the floor. The other guard pounced, but I sidestepped him, neatly tripped him into the chair, and then threw the other on top pf him.

I switched on the chair, then set it on high and left the room without bothering to turn it off. Behind me the two bodies smoked and burned as sparks flew from the chair and flickered out on the floor.

When I reached the end of the hall, I heard a muffled explosion from behind me. And, mind you, it wasn’t issued from my own rear. The building would probably burn down soon, so I ran.

I never looked back.

CHAPTER 3

Now, if you couldn’t take that, I advise to put this book down right now, run to the nearest designer fashion store wearing a pink sweater, and ask them for a cheeseburger and a large fries. Okay, forget that last part, but put down the book.

Are you still reading? Good for you! Now, I needed to get to business. First was weaponry. I needed some means of self-defense. So I went all ninja on a guard who was alone and weak. I snatched up a ray gun, an M-16, three grenades, and two pistols.

Now I was armed. Next was transport. Now all I had to do was find the exit. Or better, I though, make one. And, as it turns out, walls can be evaporated.

And what better luck! I made my escape right