A Cold Winter's Afternoon

By N.L. Bowley

Rachel lives in sorrow most of her life, which began when her father left them for his mistress. Years have passed but she is still strongly affected whenever she recalls that dark moment in her life. Her fiance, friends, and family don't understand. She feels alone and clings onto the only thing left her friend Matt, which in the end will effect them all.

• Language: English
• Publisher: N.L. Bowley
• Release date: Oct 25, 2012
• ISBN: 9781311256423

Book preview

Chapter 1

August 2010

The sunlight floated in from the bay windows shifting a rainbow prism off the jewel on top of a small gold band. The young woman moved the band back and forth in a nervous twitch, using her thumb. She slightly bit her lip in thoughtful concentration. The look in her dark green eyes was sad and lonely.

They had been that way most of her life; you could ask anyone who knew her since she was a little girl. Well, almost everyone. There were two important people who never bothered to notice the hurt and sorrow there. It’s the same old story told over and over again. Father cheats on mother and leaves her, but he just doesn’t leave her. He leaves his kids too, two small children whose lives will be forever affected by that one decision in his life. Sometimes, people are selfish and do what they need to do to make themselves happy. Or, that’s what Rachel always thought and was thinking now as she continued to twist the band as if she was unscrewing a top to a bottle.

She couldn’t understand why she was nervous or why she had this sense of gloom inside of her. A good man loved her and wanted to get married. She had said yes, but not the way you are supposed to say yes. Rachel tried to hide the truth from herself, but no matter how hard she tried it was not right. Saying yes, meant you wanted to spend the rest of your life with someone. That you loved them so much you could not see spending another moment without them.

Rachel knew she did not feel that way for Brady. It was just one of those things. He was decent, honest, would do anything for her, but that feeling just was not there. By now the twisting of the ring had left a red mark around her finger and still she turned and turned in her process of reflection.

The reason Rachel was really marrying Brady was because she did not want to spend the rest of her life alone. Brady was like a safety net so she would not end up like Jane Austen, a woman who believed in the romantic fairy tale idea of love, but who died and never found the ideal person. The difference between Rachel and the famous author was that she was not going to turn down suitors because she did not feel that instant chemistry. Jane Austen was not afraid of being alone. Rachel was. That was the truth. She knew Brady deserved better, but he was getting what he wanted at least. Wasn’t he? He did not have to know what was really going on. Or could he see that she did not have the same feelings and that she longed to be with someone else, who ironically felt the same way she did right now.

Rachel was swiftly brought back to reality by the bang of the door behind her. Brady walked into the kitchen and reached for the refrigerator door. Turned his head in her direction and said, Hey baby, you want some orange juice?

Rachel shook her head no with a slight smile as Brady proceeded to drink straight from the jug. She rolled her eyes, not in anger, but mild annoyance as he twisted the cap back on and placed it back on the shelf. I’m going to go up and take a shower. Wash all this dirt and sweat off me, he said grabbing her shoulders from behind and placing a kiss on her cheek. She smiled and nodded her back rigid and taunt at his touch and looked into his blue almost black eyes, wishing she could feel something she did not.

Hoping Brady did not see the truth in hers’; she quickly kissed him on the lips and said. Okay. It was all she could manage at the moment and Brady did not seem to know the difference. Was he really that blind? Or was she that good of an actress? She doubted it, but if he was willing to play along so was she. Her conscience however was not.

Brady sauntered his lanky frame through the spacious hallway, turned back and smiled with a wink, then was around the corner to find his way to the stairs. The man could walk she thought. It wasn’t that she was not attracted to him. She would be completely crazy not to be.

Brady had his mild bad habits like everyone else, drinking out of the bottle included, but every woman would be dying to have him. Rachel knew this. He kind of looked like Patrick Dempsey, but on the lean side, which probably made him more of a James McAvoy. In other words he had the dark hair and blue eyes that every woman drooled over and the tall stature to boot. However, he did have a goofy grin that was endearing but belied these movie star good looks, although his personality more than made up for it. He was laid back had a great sense of humor and was always the nicest guy that opened doors and paid the check.

So, why wasn’t the chemistry there for Rachel? As much as she wanted to deny it she knew. Matt was the answer. She knew he was a major obstacle in her love life or maybe in her whole life. There was something that did not fit for her. It started with her father leaving and had a domino affect of touching every other aspect in her life. Maybe that was why she was so attracted to Matt, because he kept saying no. Maybe she was so afraid of being left like her mother that she fell for the only man that did not want to be with her. She made mistake after mistake in her love life and she realized she was making one now too, but what was she suppose to do about it? The thought kept nagging at her. A lot of people got married without being in love with each other. Some just did it for the comfort of another person by their side. Why was she letting this weigh so heavily on her conscience?

Her counselor, as she liked to call her, because only crazy people went to psychiatrists, would have a field day, and would also point out that the men who did want her she pushed away. Fear that was it. That was her big obstacle and Matt. Why couldn’t she let go of Matt?

She knew she was doing it again. Analyzing every little thing, trying to make the pieces fit when they just would not, but that’s what Norma had told her to do. Her life was simply a big jigsaw puzzle where no matter how hard she tried she could not find the right pieces.

Rachel’s counselor, Norma, Call me Norma, she would say with a peppy tone and ingratiating smile. Rachel shuddered at the thought of it, she hated overly positive people that just oozed sunshine out of every pore, and that was exactly what Norma was like. Her full name was Norma Jacqueline Kennedy, and she looked like a Kennedy too. She had sporty good looks, and a constant bronze tan reminding her more of Ethel Kennedy not Jackie. This did not make Rachel feel comfortable at all. She had always felt inferior around women such as Norma and it was no different now.

Anyway, Rachel thought digressing, Norma would say, You need to figure it out for yourself. Why do you feel this way? Her slight southern accent (if you consider being raised in Northern Virginia the South) would slightly appear laced throughout the sentence; by the way, her only detraction from resembling the American royal family.

Rachel would hate when she said that. Not only because she felt it was Norma’s job to tell her these things. (It’s what my money’s paying for right?!), but she would in the most ladylike manner cross her legs in Newport News catalogue skirt suits after every spouting of the phrase. I mean really! Rachel would think, Just because you have Jackie Kennedy’s name doesn’t mean you are Jackie Kennedy!

Jasmine’s voice started to ring in her head, Stop it Rachel! You always do this to yourself. Rachel knew she was right, but after being so close to someone for so long she could not figure out the answer of what went wrong. She did not want to think that Matt did not fit her puzzle, it would honestly devastate her, and she hated herself for thinking this way. Jasmine wasn’t too happy with Dr. Norma either and blamed her for Rachel’s constant relapse into thoughts of Matt.

God I’m pathetic, she said aloud, blowing out a breath of frustration.

She shook her head. She did not want to picture her self as one of those women who only went after men because of the chase. Wouldn’t that make her crazy in some way? She was reminded of those shows on T.V. where women went crazy and killed their lovers for some reason or another. She definitely did not want to be like that!

No, no she thought as she finally stopped turning the ring and rested the same hand now on her cheek. There was something about Matt. She was not that crazy woman. She knew that he had feelings for her. At least it seemed like he did. He had been there for her always, through everything, good times and the bad. Then that one night they were alone and….Rachel was so embarrassed she could not complete the thought, she almost had her happy ending. How could he just get up and walk away? After that he was different, it was in a single word awkward. He acted like nothing happened but at the same time he kept his distance from her. They were never as close again as they were before that night.

So she had tried to keep her distance from him, not showing up for their usual night out together at Irishman’s Pub. Almost immediately he had called her wondering where she was and if she was mad about anything. Rachel was confused, and did not know how to react. She was starting to think that there might be something seriously wrong with him. How could he completely forget what had happened between them that night?

He had been drunk and upset, that is true. He had told her how much he loved her though; those words had come out of his mouth. Those actual words! Then he had expected her to meet him at that damn pub after what happened? It left her confused and angry, but she still loved him. So just like that she was drawn back to him and every day she stayed around him she was hurt over and over again.

She did not get it and was never good with love games. Maybe he was the one who liked the chase. That thought instantly clouded her mind and the anger slowly crept up her spine. Why would he want to do this to her if he cared about her so much? Maybe he doesn’t care about me and I am just crazy.

So she decided to ask her friend Jasmine for advice, which turned out to be the wrong choice, because she did not want to hear what she had to say. Rachel had lost it, almost yelled at Jasmine in her defense of Matt. She tried to find an excuse for his changes of attitude towards her. Jasmine looked at her sympathetically, and in resignation told her no matter what I tell you it’s not going to change anything. Listen Rachel, she had said grabbing her hand and forcing Rachel to look at her. You have to stop defending him and falling over his every word and action. If he cared about you, don’t turn your head. Look at me!

Rachel did so reluctantly, tears stinging her eyes. I’m tired of seeing you like this. It is the same thing every time I see you. If he cared about you he wouldn’t be doing this to you. If he loved you, and I know you don’t want to hear this, he would be with you. He wants the attention pure and simple. I know he has been your friend since high school, which God knows makes this situation more crazy then the average, but I am telling you….You have to let it go. There is a man out there who will love you and treat you better than this. Do not try to figure him out. Just stop. She said the last looking into Rachel’s eyes searching for some sort of ascent or comprehension.

Instead they registered nothing. They were blank, a look she had perfected since her father had left. Jasmine recognized it and felt pity for her friend, but also frustration. She could only do so much and knew that Rachel had to figure it out on her own. From that day on it would take a resolve for her to be around Rachel, not because she didn’t want to be but because she couldn’t see her continuously hurt herself. She just hoped that one day it wouldn’t lead to something that Rachel could not come back from.

Rachel had known what Jasmine was talking about, but did not want to hear it. She had kept hoping that something would develop with Matt; still to this day she hoped something would. Love never seemed this hard when she was young. The prince always ended up with the princess, happily ever after. All of that was of course nonsense, because what came after happily ever after was what counted. No one wanted to do the after. It was too hard; everybody wants everything to be sparkly and happy every second. Marriage did not work that way, relationships in general did not work that way.

Look at my parent’s marriage; she said flipping her hand as if she was giving a lecture to her self. My father did not want to work at it either and I know Mom can be tough to handle but come on, man up and try to work it out!

She shook her head realizing she was going on a tangent again. Now where was I, she thought, tapping her finger on the table top. Oh yes, advice. Jasmine’s advice was better than her Mom’s, who never seemed to understand men herself, she had simply said to get over it. Her mother would look at her with a penetrating gaze, a mix of concern and judgment, then say, I’m worried about you Rachel. Ever since your father left you have had problems. She rubbed her eyes then, as if the motion would rub away the words. It was always about her father with her mother. Quite frankly it was surprising that her mother was showing any level of interest.

I can not believe everything I do is dictated by my father leaving. I just cannot. I was affected by him leaving sure, but my problems, if you could call them that, with Matt and Brady did not stem from him. Rachel realized she could analyze the situation all day and still would not be able to make sense out of it.

Instead she looked out through the bay windows again, seeing the Blue Ridge Mountains above the tree line in the distance. Frankly Rachel thought, at my age, which was a way young twenty-six. (This was mostly because of her lack of relationships.) She thought she should be over this way of thinking. I should not be asking anyone for advice. I’m an adult for Christ sake!

Matt, quite frankly, was the first person she fell for. They never had a relationship, which makes it even more pathetic. Rachel realized she was digging her nails into her cheek and sighing placed both her hands over her eyes again. She had cried many nights over Matt, like a stupid love sick school girl and she was tired of it.

Rachel rubbed her temples and had an overwhelming wave of fatigue wash over her, little to no sleep the night before was apparently taking its toll. She gave up and walked to the living room that was spacious and empty except for Brady’s treasured Lazy-boy and wide-screen thirty-two inch T.V.

She took in her surroundings as she sat on the plush emerald green Lazy-boy. It was soft, relaxing, and almost distracted her from her anxious thoughts. Looking at the spacious empty room gave her the same feeling of emptiness she had throughout her life. There were not even pictures on the walls yet to make the home their own and she wondered if there ever would be. The walls were stark white, giving the impression of a sanitarium with their blankness. It made Rachel realize that this idea of crazy was firmly imprinted in her mind and with anger she thanked her Mom and Dr. Norma for that gift.

Rachel stared at the big screen T.V. and noticed her distorted and dark reflection within its frame. She had to admit that she had come a long way in the looks department. Now there was something positive in this dreary thought process. When she was younger she had been much heavier, and that was the nice way of saying it. Quite frankly she looked like an overweight man. Now she was told she was too thin, how ironic! You could never please some people, namely her mother. Oh well, she was happy with her appearance at this point and that was all that mattered. Her hair was longer, lighter, and had professionally cut side swept bangs instead of the chop up job she had done making them only two inches long one miserable summer.

That same miserable summer she moved to Virginia and met Matt for the first time. The instant she saw him and he smiled at her, took the time to talk to her when nobody else would, had made her fall for him. From that moment on he never left her side and she never left his, well hardly ever. They grew up with each other and were there for each other during their growing pains and numerous family problems.

As she pulled the blanket tightly around her and scrunched up in a semi-fetal position she started to picture Matt and her eyes immediately started to tear up. Damn it! What was it about this man? He was her best friend and confidant that was enough for her, why couldn’t it be enough for him? Isn’t that what love was? She buried her face in the softness of the Lazy-boy cushion and as she drifted off to sleep, Matt’s face was swimming in her mind.

Meanwhile Brady was upstairs lying on the bed, a green well used towel from his college days haphazardly lying around his waist. He just lay there, killing time until he had the energy to go downstairs and face Rachel again.

He knew about her lifelong crush on Matt, had known now for a couple of months. He wasn’t supposed to know, it was Rachel’s embarrassing secret, but when he had seen them together he was not surprised. Brady knew everything about Rachel, her emotions, her quirks, and why she was the way she was. He could read her like a book. All he wanted to do was protect her from the hurt that she felt and the insecurity that controlled her. It was so controlling that he thought he might lose her to it one day.

In normal relationships the couple slowly learns about each other and once trust is established you learn their innermost secrets and fears. Rachel was a different breed; she was extremely personal and introspective, only letting out her secrets to a select few. In other words he hadn’t learned a lot from Rachel, just random events that he found out had been crafted, cut, and then stitched together again to make a storyline that was seamless, the embarrassing parts cut out like so much fabric.

He would have to find out what was going on from someone. This was the woman he was going to marry, who he loved and thought he knew. He hadn’t stopped loving her when he realized how she felt about Matt, but he had been angry as hell. Only the sadness and hurt he knew Rachel must feel, and would feel infinitely more when she realized Matt’s true feelings, kept him from leaving her. He still wanted to protect her and leaving would quite honestly kill him.

Never a man to cry, Brady teared up; he never thought he could love someone so much that didn’t love him in return. It didn’t start out like this, when they had met, he fell in love with a more mysterious yet confident, or so he thought, Rachel. Maybe he had been wrong all along.

It was both of their junior years in college. They were taking the same Revolutionary War History class. In the beginning he had noticed her across the room studiously taking notes while the Professor droned on about the Proclamation of 1763 and its effect on the Virginia planter elite.

He had thought she was cute, how her hair appeared soft and with rolling waves down her back, the shoulders that were broad also showed a strength that was foreign to him, but when he saw her eyes he was captivated. It wasn’t so much the dark emerald color as the expression in them.

She had looked up after a particularly vocal student had made a disparaging remark about the colonist’s reaction to Lord Dunmore’s Proclamation in 1775. She wasn’t reacting to what he was saying; she was listening impassively but with interest, like she was trying to gain as much detail and opinion on the matter as she could.

Then she looked over at him, first with interest, and then as if she was looking through him. Shaking her head, to clear her thought it seemed, she turned her attention back to the lecture and furiously started jutting down notes again.

He knew how other guys would have taken her reaction, as a rejection, but there was that look in her eyes that he couldn’t shake. It was a mixture of so many different emotions even in such a languid moment in history class. Hurt, sadness, fear, determination, and mischief were all mixed together in a picture of deep emerald. Her eyes were expressive and gorgeous, and left him wanting to see more.

Problem was Brady had a girlfriend. A jealous girlfriend that nudged him in the ribs violently when she saw him staring at Rachel. He had been trying to break it off with her for months, and Rachel was all the incentive he needed. Little did he know how jealous Amy could get.

Brady opened his eyes, removed the towel from his waist and dropped it on the floor. He knew Rachel hated it when he did that, not that she said anything to him about it or blew up over it, it wasn’t who she was. She would take a deep breath instead; her eyes would momentarily flash, and then glaze over expressionless once again. These incidents were becoming more and more frequent, however, and it scared him.

He almost wished she would blow up at him just so he could see those eyes have feeling, like they did when she was with Matt. Brady pulled himself under the covers and lay back, slinging his arm over his eyes to block out the sun. The last time he had seen them full of emotion was in college.

Rachel was sitting in the hallway outside the classroom door intently reading the biography of John Adams. He figured it was his best chance to talk to her before Amy showed up. She had gotten caught up with a couple of her girlfriends discussing the latest fashion trend, some reckless celebrity, or some such nonsense. He often wondered why he had gotten involved with her in the first place. Well if he was being honest it wasn’t so much a relationship as good sex. Amy was willing to do anything, and for a college kid it was all he needed at the time. They had been dating for two years now. They never talked and that seemed to be good enough for both of them at first, but after two years and senior year looming Amy was getting different ideas.

She had started talking about marriage and kids, being a stay at home Mom. That was fine with Brady; in fact all of it was, just not with him. She was definitely not, as the saying goes, the type of woman you took home to mother.

Besides, once he saw Rachel, he couldn’t get her out of his mind. So when she was sitting outside the classroom, and Amy was busy babbling nonsense to her friends, Brady knew he had to talk to her. When he first walked up to her, her nose was so far in the book he couldn’t tell if she noticed him. Then he saw the slightest movement of her hand, gripping the book a little tighter.

Then it hit him, he couldn’t believe it, she was trying to ignore him. Even now the thought brought a smile to his lips. She may have been wishing him away, but what she didn’t know is that it just made Brady want to try harder.

In fact it was well known among his friends and family that if nothing else he was determined. It all started when he went on a rafting trip with some buddies in high school. When he was younger, about fourteen, he was scrawny, not short really, but enough to be picked last for every team sport. Plus he was so skinny his father called him B.P., not Brady Peter, which would have made sense considering it, was his given name, but Bean Pole. His father thought he was being funny, Brady didn’t, and he grimaced in memory.

Luckily the kids in school, and the neighborhood never caught on to his father’s joke. Although that never stopped them from coming up with names of their own, and theirs were a little bit more creative than Bean Pole. After awhile Brady got sick of being called a wide variety of names and being picked last everyday in gym class. So, he started going to the gym after school and worked out like a demon. By the time he was sixteen he was pretty well built and his father still called him B.P. only this time it stood for Bottomless Pit.

To make a long story short, on the rafting trip, senior year, Brady was given a dare to swim across the forceful rapids. Being young, and a little stupid he took the bet without hesitation. It must have been the years of teasing and a thirst to prove himself.

Edging into the water, even his sturdy frame found it hard to keep his balance and almost slipped on the rocks several times. However, once he jumped in he was the force to be reckoned with. His strokes across the water were massively fluid and within minutes of limited struggle he made it across the width of the river.

Shaking all over, and not just from the cold water, he struggled breathing hard and grasped his way to the other side of the bank. He tried to stand up straight acting as if the journey was no big deal, his bravado taking over. Afterwards the tale was told so often it became legendary in town, his best friend still referring to him as Captain America.

So little did Rachel know she was trying to avoid such a formidable force, the minute he realized she was ignoring him a light switched on inside. Bending down he placed himself eye level with her, forcing her to look up at him. Those expressive, deep emerald eyes showed annoyance but the only thing Brady reflected on was how even more beautiful they were up close.

The look on his face must have been peculiar to her because she stared back at him in wonderment, slightly tilting her head to the side. Before he could utter a word or even mention his name a voice like sandpaper rubbing against bare skin said, Brady! There you are! We better get into class before it starts.

She grabbed him by the arm and practically dragged him in the room. He had just enough time to look back and note the quizzical look on Rachel’s face before being slung inside. Amy came to an abrupt halt, causing Brady to almost smash into her. She looked around as if lost, Brady was about to ask what she was doing when he noticed her glaring at the door from the corner of her eye.

Rachel had just walked in, clutching her Adam’s biography to her side as she made her way to her usual seat. Amy’s eyes never left her as she finally sat down in the back of the class and started unpacking her books. Brady turned and stared at Amy, wondering if she realized he was aware of what she was doing.

Then he understood that she did. She was trying to make a point, in effect staking her claim to him. Brady’s face went crimson, he said flatly and dripping with sarcasm, You know I could have told you where she usually sits, all you had to do was ask. He knew the words would set her off even more, but he did not care.

Sure enough they did. She realized then he had been watching Rachel for some time, and her own face bloomed red as a rose. The color didn’t suit her pale complexion at all, nor did the rage that contorted her face. Her once beautiful model like features changed into that of a spoiled petulant child.

At this point only a couple of the other students were paying attention to the exchange. Amy just glared at him, obviously deciding her next move in this outrage. Brady stared her down, willing her to save it for a more appropriate time.

Amy, knowing she would not win against Brady decided to take it out on what she saw as the weaker link, Rachel. Brady realized what was going to happen too late, before he could grab Amy and usher her from the room, a torrent of words and expletives issued forth.

She pointed her long, and what Brady thought at one point was elegant, finger across the room at Rachel. You bitch! How dare you!

Everyone was paying attention now, and looked around to see who she was pointing at, including Rachel. Oh, don’t play dumb, she said wagging her finger like an angry parent at a disobedient child. You have been going after my boyfriend this whole time haven’t you? She said this with particular emphasis on the word my, making Brady bristle.

Rachel had a dumb look on her face, she was completely at a loss and still wasn’t quite sure Amy was yelling at her. Amy rolled her eyes after a few tense moments of silence and was about to let loose on Rachel again. Brady grabbed her arm and said, That’s enough!

She wrenched herself free and with a self-satisfied grin on her face said, I’m just getting started. In that moment Brady didn’t think he could hate anyone more. Her ugliness had shown itself and it gave him all the courage he needed to tell her he wanted out.

Amy I’m telling you that’s enough. Your jealousy has always been an issue in our relationship and now it has reached the breaking point. I’m done, I want out. He realized he was being a bit unfair. After all he was trying to flirt with Rachel when Amy had caught him in the act.

On the other hand her making a spectacle of the situation and yelling at Rachel was ridiculous. When he looked at the two women they were polar opposites, not only in looks but in temperament and demeanor. Amy had the cool detached beauty but with a fiery temper and over-confident air. Rachel had dark hair, porcelain skin, beautiful in a unique unconventional way, and was extremely quiet.

The class, in the meantime, was enthralled whirling their heads around from Brady, to Amy, to Rachel, and then back again. Brady thought their heads might pop off or their necks get severely strained at any rate if they kept that up.

Amy’s eyes were huge and bulging out of her head. Within an instant she was past him and making her way to the back of the class at Rachel. The class looked on in amused amazement, no one interfering with someone they clearly saw as crazy. Rachel on the other hand had reluctantly stood up and prepared herself for the childish onslaught. Brady couldn’t quite tell in his desperate attempt to grab Amy, but he thought he detected a look of amused resignation on her face. He knew then she wasn’t as weak as she portrayed herself.

Just then a dowdy older man with his shirt haphazardly tucked in his too short khakis shuffled into the room. His very appearance personified the Professorial type but his outrage at the situation that greeted him when he entered the room did not. The door slammed, in all the melee the students came to an abrupt halt. In his anger the Professor had shattered the glass window in the door, bits and shards of glass littered the floor.

His normal look of harried academia was removed from his face. In its place was that of a drill sergeant or policeman intending to do the violent offenders harm. His voice, normally quiet and a bit shaky came out in a thunderous boom. Everyone to your seats this instant!

The class stood frozen for a moment as if on a paused T.V. screen. Brady had reached Amy just in time and had her by the shoulders before she could leap at Rachel. Amy had her claws out and they were literally inches from Rachel’s face. Rachel with grim determination was standing her ground and hadn’t moved an inch to back away.

Professor Newman, in his impatience to restore calm, looked at Amy with her extended claws and said in an icy tone, If you cannot go to your seat then remove yourself from this classroom.

Amy shook free of Brady’s grasp and turned to take one last glare at Rachel before turning on her heel and exiting the room, not even noticing the crunching of the glass under her feet as she went. Brady knew there would be more drama later and he blew out a deep breath of frustration just thinking about it.

Professor Newman had reverted back to his old humdrum self as if nothing happened, the only evidence being the splotches of red on his pale face. Everyone please be seated and open your books to page twenty-three. We will be going over your reading of the previous evening.

Brady was vaguely listening; he was too busy staring into Rachel’s angry eyes. She lowered herself into her chair, never breaking