Blogging Awake: self inquiry through 10,000 earthquakes

By Alison Walker

This is a day by day account of self-inquiry into ‘Who am I?’ in a year of horrific earthquakes in Christchurch, New Zealand.

As each shake came, it uncovered the Truth more clearly. Stories that define ‘me’ are seen. As the earthquakes shatter the land, the stories also shatter and fall apart. A discovery that answers do not lie in the mind, through reading, learning, or practicing anything. All that is required is to stop, and be willing to open to the core feelings as they arise.

“A great feeling of fear arose, overwhelming me. I felt I would die and yet in surrender, an opening came showing the way”. Here was freedom and indescribable peace. In silence there was no-one and no answers.

No earthquake can shake this indescribable peace apart. It is the ground of all life.

The book was a finalist in the Ashton Wylie Unpublished Manuscript Awards 2012.

Comments about Blogging Awake.

Emma: Life can break your heart and bring you to your knees. How you respond can determine your experience. Alison shares her discoveries during the Christchurch earthquakes when her life is literally shaken down around her. Her open sharing is an inspiration to meet our life circumstances so deeply and openly that the whole experience is changed. Alison’s testimony shows that the gift of true peace can then be discovered in the midst of anything.

Geoff: This book is compelling, illuminating and revealing. It can change the direction you are looking if you are seeking Truth.

Ruth: This book shows how all stories arise and finally fall apart revealing what is underneath. What a revelation!

Elizabeth: A courageous book that shows how to discover inner peace during any life time but especially during a crisis.

Dale: The book gave me the courage to inquire deeply into my own intricate life stories and compelled me to dismantle them.

Kate: This book points to illusion and truth shattering all stories of me. What a discovery!

Sugra: Blogging Awake is one person's succinct and penetrating description of the soul searching challenges of personal sovereignty precipitated by major earth quakes.

Mary: This book shook me to my core so I began to unravel my own stories that defined Me.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Alison Walker
• Release date: Oct 22, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301135059

Alison Walker

As young child, Alison began searching for answers to the question ‘Who am I?’Initially she searched in religions visiting churches, and then worked as a psychotherapist hoping the work would reveal the answers. As she started to meditate she received inner guidance.Leaving the UK to live in NZ she hoped for some clarity, but in desperation she called out for help. The help came in the form of Gangaji’s book Diamond in your Pocket.After spending time with Gangaji, she and her husband hosted Gangaji to her first visit to NZ. During this time huge earthquakes destroyed the city of Christchurch, towns and houses crumbled, stories became exposed, and the question arose ‘who is this ME with all these stories?’After visiting Ramana Maharshi’s Ashram self inquiry began, deepening as she sat with Mooji. Moving with her husband to Portugal to be close to Mooji and part of the Sahaja community the question of ‘who am I?’ became ever present.Dissolving identity, the revelation of Truth came, answering the call of longing.Alison now lives In Luz on the Algarve in Portugal .

Book preview

Blogging Awake: self inquiry through 10,000 earthquakes

by Alison Walker

Copyright © 2012 Alison Walker

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published.

Contents

Introduction

September 2010 - Earthquake

Listen (poem)

About the Author

To all who seek the truth but especially to my husband Geoff, and to Dale

'If you are willing to experience anything directly and immediately, whether good or bad, joyous or hateful, you will recognize that what you are running from does not exist, or what you are running towards is already here.'

Gangaji

Gracious thanks to Gangaji for pointing me in a different direction and changing this life – Alison Walker

Acknowledgements

Gangaji - Deepest gratitude to Gangaji for her total support, and to everyone who seeks the truth of themselves. She points to truth and shows illusions.

Geoff - My life long companion and husband, all love and gratitude. Without your support this book would still be on the shelf.

Grateful thanks to Emma who generously gave encouragement to share this shattering experience and to Dale who really heard the message and insisted it be shared.

Thanks to Bev Robitai for the book cover and Shauna Bickley for help with editing and formatting this eBook.

Introduction

This is a book about war and peace. It is also about diamond mining in a dark seam of self-inquiry. It takes place in a season of earthquakes in Christchurch New Zealand.

The book reveals a discovery in a seismic shift from head to heart. What is uncovered cannot be taught, but it can be discovered. This book shows the How. Anyone can take this journey. It needs no special learning or practices. All that is required is to be present in your story called Me, and be willing to inquire how this story is put together, loosens and unravels as it is shaken about.

What I discovered is that in each of our lives, in a year or a day or a moment, life can suddenly change whether it is an earthquake, a tornado, an illness, a death or divorce, or a flood. Sometimes it takes a sudden change to make a shift. Five major earthquakes and over 8,000 aftershocks offer a huge shocking shift. It is a wakeup call in the Now of a season of earthquakes.

I found in each shattering something precious was uncovered. With each shake there was a crack in the landscape and also in the heart. As the heart opened, it was shaken wider and wider. With shake after shake, the crack gradually revealed what is not subject to change. What is found cannot crumble, or move, or shatter. It is still, silent, unlimited peace and love. But in the widening crack that became a chasm, the story of Me came tumbling down. I saw that in the Now, there is no past or future that is not created by me. Clarity comes from receiving and opening to the present, not from understanding or learning. I discovered when I am fully present no one is here without thoughts. Freedom is here and the diamond is retrieved.

It is just a year since Christchurch, New Zealand had its first earthquake in September 2010. A 7.1 in magnitude that shook us all into a new journey. It has been a momentous time of revelation and uncovering through this extraordinary year. It shook me to bits.

Gangaji who is a celebrated international teacher, author of Diamond In Your Pocket and more recently, Hidden Treasure, travels the world facilitating awakening in everyone who is drawn to sit with her. She came into my life five years ago and changed my whole direction. I had been seeking answers to profound questions all my life, but with her support I realised I had been looking in the wrong direction! The great questions of ‘who am I and why am I here’ had taken me on a long journey both inwardly and outwardly. It took me from the UK to New Zealand. I was so desperate to find answers to my questions, I found I had to be being willing to give up everything, family, friends, beloved pets, a country and the natural world I loved, to follow to a new place and discover what is here always, regardless of where you are physically. I discovered with Gangaji’s help that I did not have to move but simply Stop.

Gangaji started a discussion forum for people throughout the world who wanted to stay connected as they open to truth through their journey. The forum offers support so sharing can be instant. Just as when I sit with Gangaji I hear myself through others. In the forum everyone has this opportunity.

It was during the year of earthquakes I found myself sometimes blogging on this forum. I decided to write my blogs in the form of a book. These blogs are a day-by-day account of what is uncovered in a year of horrendous earthquakes that shatter a town, the landscape and my story. The reader can see how these stories arose, get repeated, built up and how they are slowly pulled down. It shows the repetitive, addictive nature of thought patterns that can be so boring, frustrating or entertaining. As they unravel spaciousness gives way to clarity. It is sometimes slow. Patience is needed, and a commitment to discover truth. Thought patterns can be hard to shake off. They have created my identity and I have defended them. As they crumble, I discover who I am and what is here without thought patterns. With the blessing of thousands of shakes the stories finally fall apart.

The blog is easy to read because in challenging times with the pace of life so fast, what is needed is an easy read of serious matter. These blogs are real live openings and discoveries in challenging times. I found this shattering served a purpose; to break open the old addictive thought patterns, and shatter the story or definitions of Alison. I simply did not realise what I was holding onto until something huge happened!

I offer you an insight into what happened. As I wrote my own diary, and in the extraordinary circumstances of earthquakes, I made a discovery that what is truly here is not subject to shattering or movement, but is here regardless of circumstances. In sharing there is an opportunity to open, and in doing so the heart opens to reveal what is here now. From an open heart there is revelation after revelation that is never ending. As the heart opens the gifts are deepening awareness that has no end. There is more and more that is discovered.

My sharing, your sharing, it is all a gift for us to open to, to discover what is here. It is this love, this presence that supports us. We make the difference. We are the difference. I am what I have been looking for.

4th September 2010 EARTHQUAKE - FEAR STOKES THE IMAGINATION

I am totally terrorised by this horrifying earthquake. It is the middle of the night and I am woken by terrible noise that is like a loud rumbling train, followed by the house shaking so violently it felt like it would collapse any minute. I’ve never been in an earthquake, but I knew what it was as I woke. My first thought is to get out of the house. I run calling my husband to get out. Getting out is self-preservation or survival, but also running from the terror of death. I am shaking and shaking.

When we go back inside the house is dark, with no power, water or telephone. Chaos reigns. The house looks as if it has been in a tumble dryer. Everything is upside down or across the room. But we are alive. We wonder if there will be a tsunami and turn on the car radio. Death seems just a whisper away. There is no tsunami warning so we feel slightly better. I cannot stop shaking. Death is here. Will I open to this terror or postpone… I postpone. I can’t stop yet. Stories run riot. Who is safe? Where are the family, who is hurt in the city? Now my mind rumbles on and on generating stories that come in my imagination. Fear stokes my imagination like petrol on a fire. I can see this, but feel too tired to stop. Survival is exhausting but terror is draining. I see there is no inside /outside. It’s a total shake up. There is nothing but blackness, so the black void calls…

7th September TERROR AND PEACE

This is Christchurch, New Zealand. It has been some ride. It is still going on like some bucking bronco. We have had another big shock today 4 km from us. This shock has caused more damage everywhere. I am still amazed that although there is severe damage no one has been killed. We are sleeping downstairs near a door to the outside. I feel I am getting the hang of this. It is as if I am in a hammock just swinging along. Then the next big shock comes. I realise terror is keeping me safe as I am compelled get out! It is good to see that terror is a survival mechanism, but the aftershocks are now in my mind. The what if begins… and the story, the imagination gathers momentum. Being trapped is the story. I feel so helpless. So I stop thinking about the feeling helpless story; I focus on what it feels like and where in the body this feeling rests. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go. I feel the pattering heart that increases to palpitating. As I shut my eyes there is a huge black hole, bottomless and like a chasm. It is sucking me in, as if I have no control. I fall down and down. Now it changes from panic to feel as though I am a beautiful feather floating silently down or around, then puff, there is nothing but spacious peace and such a feeling of love. It is unbelievable there is so much peace. There is no shaking here. All is still.

Each time I meet this black hole that is in the middle of terror, I am meeting death. As I find courage, I see an opening that allows a discovery of this silent still place that is so restful. I reflect how supported I have been helping in a hospital for people who are dying. They have been showing the way as they surrender to death. I feel in the midst of this horror, gratitude for life and that if you have to have an earthquake, New Zealand is the place. Kindness is everywhere. A whole community pulls together so we share what we have. Water is boiled. We manage to laugh as we wash ourselves in bowls. We are preserving the water and preserving ourselves. We could have been Haiti, but we are blessed to be in New Zealand where horror and beauty stand side by side each gifting us some present.

10th September FREEDOM IN DEATH

It is a week since the first earthquake. I sleep in my clothes downstairs near a door. There have been many aftershocks and each one brings up the terror of death. Then I realise it is not so much death that frightens me, but how I die. I am frightened of being trapped. As I think of dying slowly, in the dark and crushed, the terror rises. The heart pounds as I see the imagination in play. It is a play. I stop thinking about the story of being trapped and just pay attention to what my heart feels. It is this pounding, throbbing. As I shut my eyes to focus there is darkness. I just let the utter darkness enfold me. I feel the terror in my heart area holding me by a huge grip. The heart is pounding more loudly. I try to breathe into the heart and soften. I can hear Gangaji asking me to just let the darkness come in and see what is here. As I do this, with eyes shut and see there is darkness, then I can see light, which opens to spaciousness. There is brilliant light that allows me to relax, revealing so much peace. Totally letting go, there is nothing but silence, stillness and peace. I feel free! The terror has gone. There is such a feeling of overwhelming joy, there are tears. After 300 shakes I can see I am supported in letting go and facing being powerless. Support comes in many forms.

12th September BEING TRAPPED - THE COAL FACE OF DEATH

More aftershocks give me so many opportunities to open to death. I find myself still rejecting the terror. It is as if I am a robot and have learnt to run from this fear. Why I ask myself, when I know that if I stop to open, I find peace? I see this story of being trapped is huge. It comes at each shake. I am now aware my imagination is huge and in control. I am listening to my thoughts. I am a slave to this mind. As things fall over or move, I am back in the enormity of the ‘big one’.

I have been volunteering at a hospital for people who are dying of horrible illnesses that trap them in their bodies. I used to think that such a life would not be worth living. The patients or residents of this hospital have taught me to see life or death in a different way. I remember a beautiful lady who shared with me her great fear of death. She was paralysed and her lungs were packing up, so breathing was hard and she was in panic. She had a strong religious faith and connection with Jesus. So I sat with her and asked her if it was possible for her not to fight for breath, but to soften and receive it into her body as a precious gift, letting the Master come to her. She relaxed and breathed more easily. When I next saw her she had met her greatest fear. She radiated love and transmitted joy. She told me she was going home to the Lord. She died gently a few days later. Now she affected everyone who was blessed by her silent presence. The transmission in surrender is both seen and felt. It is not what is said, because many cannot speak, so this transmission is wordless. It is humbling to be present. I am gifted so much courage by these people. So I ask myself once again could I surrender to being trapped in a body or in an earthquake? Can I totally surrender in any circumstances to death? I have asked this question many times after a visit. Often the answer has been ‘No’ but of late the answer is ‘maybe’. So in the terror of being trapped in an earthquake once more I ask, 'can I surrender to whatever is here, or will I continue to fight?' I think of the horrible deaths of people in war, of Jesus and many saints, of these people I know dying trapped in a body for years. I see I am fighting the pain that comes with sharing the lives and deaths of people I love. I know now that the answer lies in surrender, in opening to this pain, this grief.

Here is another shake… I stop running. I let go… my heart is fluttering, but with my eyes shut I feel soft and relax. Straight away I feel light, beauty and total silence. As I breathe, I go deeper and deeper in to peace. There is some spacious wonder at the coalface of death.

I am more clearly aware of the mind trap that catches me. It is so quick. Snap and it has me! Now I am seeing it at play.

13th September THOUGHTS ARE MIND FOOD

The real seismic shift in me is to trust the spacious ‘not knowing’ that opens up when I surrender. I know we are never safe. At any moment life can change anywhere, anyhow. Earthquakes show me all life is change, sometimes sudden change of a dramatic nature. I have learnt that living in the moment is the way, but an earthquake is a challenge. My mind wants to take control, plan or escape or organise. I want to run… but from what? Mainly it is terror because the shaking is in my mind. The house sways, but it has stood up to the big one, so it is bringing up what I am holding onto or running from. I can see there are more than one or two things I am hanging onto. When I see this I start to laugh and feel better. I can see how huge imagination is. My thoughts are the food. They take me to the past memory of the earthquake or into the future with all the escape routes. It is a thought machine and sometimes it is running out of control. Why do I listen to it? I have given it power. What if I never escape or cannot run, what then? I shut my eyes as I allow in the feelings. Once again the fear is felt in the heart. Underneath I feel this great sadness that seems to rise like a tsunami and flood me. I cannot fight it as it floods me. As I surrender there is this huge opening and a presence of love… this spacious unlimited love that