How To Live With A Woman of the Opposite Sex: or - All the Mysteries of the Universe Unveiled in One Little Book

By Grant L. Tolley

A snappy, biting, intelligent and highly humorous glimpse into understanding women. From a man's point of view.
How To Live With a Woman of the Opposite Sex - or - All the Mysteries of the Universe Unveiled in One Little Book is a light-hearted romp through the interactions that happen daily between men and women. With wicked, precise, eye-twinkling accuracy, Tolley takes us through his thirty-plus years of studying the fairer sex.
The secrets of the universe that have puzzled mankind since the dawn of time will be yours.
And you'll never view women the same way again.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Grant L. Tolley
• Release date: Sep 19, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301823512

Grant L. Tolley

With degrees in Anthropology and History, Dr. Tolley has spent his life researching, writing and happily studying people. He and his wife, Diane are the parents of six and grandparents of twelve. They currently reside in Beaumont, Alberta. How To Live With A Woman of the Opposite Sex is his first attempt to figure out what his wife will do next.

Book preview

How To Live With A Woman of the Opposite Sex

Or

All The Mysteries of the Universe Unveiled

In One Little Book

Grant L. Tolley

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2012 Grant L. Tolley

Smashwords Edition,

License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.

This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people.

If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient.

If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy.

Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

FOREWORD II

CHAPTER ONE

WHAT IS WOMAN? HOW THE HECK DID SHE GET HERE? WHAT IS SHE DOING STANDING IN FRONT OF THE ROCKBALL GAME?

CHAPTER TWO

THE DIMENSIONS OF WOMAN

Or W4

CHAPTER THREE

THE IDEAL WOMAN OF THE OPPOSITE SE

CHAPTER FOUR

HOW A WOMAN OF THE OPPOSITE SEX THINKS

or

WOMAN AND SUPERSTITION

or, better yet

NONSENSE, RUMOUR, GOSSIP, MYTH, DELUSION, HALLUCINATION, ROMANCE NOVELS, PEOPLE MAGAZINE AND GIRL-TALK THAT YOUR WOMAN OF THE OPPOSITE SEX KNOWS IS IDIOTIC BUT WANTS YOU TO TOLERATE AND HUMOUR HER BECAUSE IT FULFILLS SEVERAL CHILDHOOD FANTASIES ABOUT WHICH SHE REALLY WANTS YOU TO JUST CUT HER SOME SLACK SO SHUT UP AGAIN ALREADY YOU MORON

CHAPTER FIVE

WOMAN AND WEIGHT LOSS

or

WOMAN AND VANITY — NOT THE ONE IN THE BATHROOM ALTHOUGH THAT’S IMPORTANT TOO AND SOMEWHAT CONNECTED BUT NOT TOTALLY

CHAPTER SIX

HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH A WOMAN OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

CHAPTER SEVEN

WO/MAN AND DIRT

CHAPTER EIGHT

WOMAN OF THE OPPOSITE SEX AND LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS

CHAPTER NINE

WOMAN vs. WOMAN

or

THE NON-MYTHOLOGY OF FEMALE COMPETITIVENESS

CHAPTER TEN

THE SEX CHAPTER

CHAPTER ELEVEN

THE WOMANLY SYSTEMS — REPRODUCTIVE AND OTHERWISE

CHAPTER TWELVE

THE PLACENTA CONVERSATION

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

EQUALITY ON THE BATHROOM COUNTERTOP

or

FEMALE TERRITORIALITY

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

WHAT SHE SAYS AND WHAT IT REALLY MEANS

or

WHY YOU MEN OF THE OTHER SEX WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT THE RIGHT ANSWER

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

FAMOUS WOMEN, BEFORE AND AFTER

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

P – ENVY and THE GLASS URINAL

FOREWORD I (Which is really:) AFTERWORD

DEDICATION

* * * * *

ForeWord II – December 2011

What you are about to read is the culmination of a lifetime of observation, research, study, pondering, critical thought, guess-work, and the rigourous application of the scientific method, along with the rigorous application of quite a few band-aids.

I first put pen to paper about six or seven years ago, when My Beloved wife, companion and friend, Diane, and I were approaching our thirtieth wedding anniversary. You can read more about that in ForeWord I, which follows at the end of the book — go figure — and which was of course written those several years ago.

My efforts at that time resulted in a small volume of pithy anecdotes, stories and humourous episodes, mostly taken from the life of Diane and our two daughters as they dragged me along in the wake of their lives. My purpose then was to kindly and lovingly portray some of the foibles and frustrations that I, as a man, had experienced by living (ie. staying alive) so long with a Woman — my true intent being, by so doing, to honour her. It is my hope and my prayer that nothing I said there, nor here, nor anywhere else in my life, has ever done otherwise. If it has, or even appears to, I beg forgiveness, from you and from her.

[DISCLAIMER (for purposes of my future health and blood pressure): I must state at this juncture that the Woman you will read about in the pages following is not entirely My Beloved Diane. The Woman following is (as movie credits sometimes state) a composite character, amalgamated from my observations of all of the various Women of the Opposite Sex that I have observed throughout my life. All of the good stuff of course is Diane. The rest is from many someone elses. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.]

[Digression inspired by the Disclaimer: As you read through this book, you Women of the Opposite Sex will undoubtedly object to the fact that I tend to quantify all Women as being the same. I’m not like that! you will say. Ah, says I, but you are at least part of the composite Woman described above. Somewhere, lurking deep within the depths of your beautiful and wondrous femininity, you are like that. Believe me. Or not. All Women do.]

The day after presenting that small tome to Diane, I came home to find one of my married sons literally on the floor of my living room, holding the sheaf and laughing so hard he could barely squeak out, Boy you got this right on, Dad! The ensuing mirth and merriment provided much support for Diane’s oft-spoken encouragement for me to expand upon that original effort. What you hold is that expanded effort.

My hope is that you too might find a smile and a nod amongst the hyperbolic truisms and tongue-firmly-in-cheekinesses that populate this volume.

* * * * *

So with that bit of background, you will find, following, the rest of Foreword II, which will fill you in on what could possibly motivate anyone to risk life and limb by doing what I have done herein.

If you are a crazy and adventurous person like me, you may then wish to fast-forward to the end of the book, where I have placed Foreword I, which is the foreword penned and included in the original, unpublished volume of this work. I wanted to include Foreword I mostly because I also wanted to include a third item, namely the original Dedication written for and included in the first edition. I have never penned nor spoken better words than those. I realized I could not surpass myself with a new or different dedication, so I reproduce here those original words. The intent of those words and the feeling behind them have never changed.

The Dedication also contains the most important secret of the universe in this book, which will — along with all the other secrets that you will encounter in the body of the book — answer the title-question of HOW TO LIVE WITH A WOMAN OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. But don’t go peeking now — you won’t recognize it until you have read the rest of the book. Sorry — that’s just how it is.

* * * * *

I grew up in a male world.

Oh sure, I had a mother, and a couple of grandmothers, a bevy of aunts, and one sister. But my world was basically male. My sister, the oldest and only living Woman amongst seven siblings, was sufficiently older so that by the time I was old enough to appreciate what it meant that she was in fact a Woman of the Opposite Sex, she was married and gone. As for Mom and my grandmothers – well, I guess I was just self-absorbed enough as a kid to have assumed that all of Womankind was made up of gentle and tender angels like them, all sent to earth of course just to make my particular life more pleasant.

Boy was I wrong. But I digress already . . . .

So, I grew up actually quite fascinated with these creatures who were, at the most basic analysis for a young lad, not like me. Again at the most basic level of analysis for a young lad, I had figured this out mostly by studying the female models in the annual monstrous Sears and Eaton’s catalogues that mystically appeared in my parents’ home every Christmas season.

The swimsuit section. Not the other one.

But of course I eventually went to school, and it was here that my real education started in what these fine creatures were all about. So starting from my first day of school, and continuing all through my school years, I was a true researcher. Observing. Watching. Listening. Wondering. Marveling. Pondering. Gathering any and all information. On Woman. About Woman. In spite of Woman.

I started from the assumption that all Women were smart and beautiful, because my experiences with many in my male world led me to tentatively conclude that all Guys, including myself, are either dumb, ugly, or both. That was a working hypothesis I used in my research until I encountered what I have since come to affectionately call the Billy Joel Syndrome — affectionately because I like Billy’s music and he is not dumb. I will resist the temptation to digress into explanation of this particular Womanly Syndrome except to state that it soon became apparent that my working hypothesis was not valid — else how can one explain the likes of Christie Brinkley hooking up with my friend Billy? And I still see these beautiful, presumably smart Women hanging around with mud-fence neanderthals . . . .

So, I was dedicated to learning all I could about Women. I was always trying to figure them out, trying to learn what made them tick and what made them . . . . well, quite frankly, so fascinating and so attractive to me. Really. I wanted to understand this whole sub-species that occupied (I discovered and duly recorded in one of my lonely brain cells during a high school genetics class) 49.7% of the human world.

I am sure it was during that class that I first consciously understood that my real life’s work was to be the study of Womankind. Why else would some dummy remember a statistic like that, when I could barely remember my middle name??

So when the time came in my life to further stimulate those lonely brain cells, I chose as one of my main pursuits the science and art of anthropology.

Which, by the way, I have always figured was mis-named. They told me in my Anthro 101 class that Anthropology is the study of man. That’s really what they said. I realize that such a statement is probably now considered highly politically incorrect, but you have to realize that the statement was made in the early days of the women’s liberation movement, and it was not at the time a statement that had been challenged or corrected or filtered. Except that, in my mind, I always wondered why, if anthropology was the study of man, it wasn’t called Manthropology? So being the young and naïve dummy that I then was, I went off to also study Latin and Greek and a dozen other esoteric things so that I could understand the reasons why it was called Anthropology.

But I digress . . . .

My apologies in advance to you: You will by now have found that tangential digression is really at the core of my writing and story-telling style. C’est un villain défaut, je sais, but if you bear with me, I usually get to a point sooner or later. Usually later.

And now you see that I am already digressing from my digression . . . .

So, to end the double digression and make a long story even more boring, I continued in my own intrepid fashion to study Woman. And now that I am an old and naïve dummy who is considerably better informed than I was before, I can now justifiably claim to be the world’s first, and probably only, WoManthropologist.

I am not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. For Woman, for Anthropology, or for the world in general.

I shall leave that for you to decide.

* * * * *

CHAPTER ONE

WHAT IS WOMAN? HOW THE HECK DID SHE GET HERE? WHAT IS SHE DOING STANDING IN FRONT OF THE ROCKBALL GAME?

When God created the world, he started out by organizing matter that was floating about in space since forever. He