Teenage Icebergs, What's Under Your Surface

By Thomas Brooks

This book proposes a very useful and easy to understand way to look at more complex issues of adolescents. It examines internal issues in order to explain the outside behavior manifested by adolescents, a challenging time, a time hard to understand by both teens and the parents.
The metaphor of the iceberg introduced in the title is the broad framework suggested by Thomas to help teens, parents, professionals and others to go beyond the ‘surface’ of what they see, and understand what is underneath. People tend to focus on what can be seen and judge the direct observable behavior. Thomas vividly shows how superficial such an approach could be and promotes a more in-depth perspective focused on the major part of the iceberg – the underlying emotions, thoughts, attitudes, needs, and aspirations.
From the very beginning section Thomas connects at a personal level with the adolescent reader by sharing some of his own difficulties as a teen and the way of overcoming them; this shows his understanding of the importance of developing a good relationship with the adolescent first, in order to capture his/her interest and trust, and equally offers a model of self-analysis and self-disclosure.
In my view, the strongest part of this book lies in how the author manages to introduce and translate into simple words, for a mainly lay audience, the essence of complex concepts and theories of human development, attachment, mental health, counseling and psychotherapy. In this respect, the numerous and various case examples are illuminating.
Stories of other adolescents offer teens the possibility to identify themselves or parts of their problems, to understand their feelings, fears, thoughts are not unique. Universality is an important therapeutic factor. Thomas strongly encourages teens and their parents to consider counseling and psychotherapy as one of the best solutions to deal with childhood trauma and adolescent problems to overcome past issues and live a fulfilling present. And yes, this is the right solution, and Thomas stands for an example, one of the millions of people having the courage to talk to a psychotherapist, sort out his life and be happy.
Reading this book through the lenses of a combined background – theoretical, as a university teacher and practical, as a psychotherapist with experience in the fields of abuse, neglect, childhood trauma - I am impressed by Thomas’ deep understanding, sensitivity and empathy with adolescents and their difficulties and the way he captured complex processes in simple words to pass his vast practical experience over to all of those interested.
I hope you will enjoy and learn from this book as much as I did.
Gabriela Dima, PhD, Psychologist

• Language: English
• Publisher: Thomas Brooks
• Release date: Jun 12, 2012
• ISBN: 9781476264783

Thomas Brooks

Thomas has been working with special needs adolescents in Romania, California and Georgia for over 14 years. He is professionally certified to teach Behavioral Science and has trained young people, parents, teachers and therapist on the contents of Teenage Icebergs. If you would like him to speak at you school, church, business, or organization please contact him at [e-mail].

Book preview

My Story

When I was a teenager, I watched a lot of movies and music videos. You know how it is; probably every other movie, TV show, or song is about people falling in love. Why does every guy on TV get obsessed with some girl, I’d ask myself. I was sixteen years old and had never been in love, didn’t know what it felt like, and had no clue what all the fuss was about. I assumed I would go through life feeling that way forever, not knowing how to love. That was all before I met Carrie Anne.

I had been at a new school for about four months and had frequently seen Carrie Anne passing in the hall. I figured she was completely out of my league and never devoted much energy into trying to get her to like me. Miraculously, somehow, even with my passivity, just before the high school Halloween dance, one of Carrie Anne’s friends told me that Carrie Anne would go to the dance with me if I asked her. This blew my mind. How could she be interested in me? I asked myself.

It turns out she had been dating a guy three years older than we were and the rumor was that they had even gone all the way. If emotional love was a mystery, sex was beyond my comprehension. I felt I didn’t know where to begin or how to talk to her; I wouldn’t know how to relate to her. It was as though I was dealing with a woman while I was still just a boy. But, in spite of all of this, I swallowed my insecurities, asked, and she said yes! I went and rented a costume the next day. Well, actually, I couldn’t afford a costume so I borrowed my dad’s sweater and went as Bill Cosby.

Two weeks later, as I walked into her house to pick her up I fell in love with Carrie Anne right then and there. She looked amazing, smelled amazing, and was more sophisticated than any girl I had ever met. The evening went perfectly and the next day I woke up with feelings I had never before experienced. I was in love! I looked at the photos of the night before of Carrie Anne and me standing in front of a cardboard pumpkin and plastic scarecrow, and I started to cry. Man, it was actually comforting to know I could fall in love. The cheesy love songs actually started to make sense; I knew what they were singing about!

It was literally a once in a lifetime experience. And I told her how I felt; I was following her around like a puppy. I was sending her flowers; I was writing poetry for her and calling her three or four times a day. The relationship was fine for about two months. Then, Carrie Anne started to ignore me; she would not return my calls. I only had one class with her, civics, and she would not even sit close to me. No, she would sit next to other guys. I was devastated. What had happened? What did I do? Why doesn’t she like me anymore? I would ask her friends.

One afternoon, I went to study hall during sixth period like I always did. After about thirty minutes the teacher asked me to come into the hall with her.

What’s wrong with you, are you sick? she asked.

I looked at her right in the eyes and began to sob loudly. I hadn’t cried like that since I fell off of my skateboard when I was nine. My knees buckled and I collapsed onto the teacher. Carrie Anne dumped me, I squealed through my tears.

The study hall teacher hugged me and gently said, I know it hurts, you’ll be OK.

No I won’t. This is the end of the world as I know it, I thought to myself.

She comforted me, Everyone goes through this; it’s part of growing up.

I remember thinking, No way; no one has ever gone through this, I am the first ever. No this girl is special. She is the one.

I dried my tears and went back into the study hall classroom. Everyone in the classroom had heard me crying, so you can imagine that my buddies never let me live that one down. I believe I was called Super Wuss for at least two more years. About a week after this happened one of Carrie Anne’s friends, Mia, asked me to call her because she wanted to tell me something. I was thinking to myself, Great! Mia is going to inform me that Carrie Anne wants me back!

So I gave her a call: Hey Mia, its Thomas. I struggled to make small talk for a couple of minutes so I didn’t appear desperate. Finally I came out with it, So does Carrie Anne want to get back together with me?

Mia let out a half laugh, the one that means you’re joking right? Then Mia said something to me that changed my life for the next thirteen years. Mia said something to me that went against everything I had ever learned about love; it went against everything I had seen in the movies and heard in song lyrics. She said, Thomas, getting Carrie Anne to get back with you is easy, just ignore her and be mean to her.

………wha, wha, what………how is that going to get me closer to Carrie Anne? I asked, in the most tyrannical voice I could muster.

Look Thomas, Mia went on, have you met Carrie Anne’s last boyfriend, Jonathan? I mean I know you know of him, right?

Yea, I know him….so?

Welllllll……what kind of guy is he? Mia asked me in her best valley girl voice, even though she was from Alabama.

He’s a jerk, I commented without pause.

Concurred, Mia spouted, and have you met her dad?

No, I haven’t, I told her.

Well, I have and he is a bigger jerk than Jonathan. Carrie Anne told me that he beats her and her two brothers, and he always calls them ‘stupid and worthless.’ Mia continued, The more Jonathan ignores her, the more she likes him.

When Carrie Anne refused to sleep with him he just stopped talking to her and she then had sex with him just to start getting his attention again.

I then said to Mia in a confused voice, Wow, she would hardly even kiss me.

Yea, ‘cause you are nice, Mia stated, as if it were obvious. This realization absolutely blew my mind. It completely changed the way I looked at relationships. How could this be?

Finally Mia laughed, It works like a charm.

I thought to myself, OK, this is crazy, but I was desperate and told Mia I would try it.

The next day I went to school and did not say a word to Carrie Anne. I did not try to get close to her. I did not hang out by her locker. When I passed her in the hall, I did not give her the stink eye or try to appear angry, no no no, I just smiled and kept walking. AFTER ONE DAY, she came around. After just one day of acting this way, she came up to me at my locker at the end of school and asked me what I had been up to and what I was going to do on the weekend. It worked! After a couple of weeks of ignoring her she was all over me and calling every night. But, I did not call her, I did not meet her, I did not attempt to do anything with her. I thought, If I just continue to treat her like dirt, she’ll be head over heels in love with me.

I had her in the palm of my hand, but somehow that didn’t make me happy. Nagging doubts followed me everywhere I went and echoed my every word: Wow…now you’re an abuser, just like her dad and ex-boyfriend. You’re the jerk.

When someone does not leave an abusive relationship,

it suggests they have been traumatized as a child.

I was miserable. It may seem ridiculous or outlandish, but I went through the next thirteen years of my life treating women like dirt to get them to like me. What kind of women do you think were attracted to me? If you guessed women that came from abusive families you would be right. The strategy Mia taught me in eighth grade was incredibly effective…and incredibly unfulfilling. What if I had gotten married to a person under this false pretense? What if we would have had children? What type of environment would they have grown up in? My daughter would be just like Carrie Anne; attracted to abusive guys that mirrored her father (me).

Think about it; if a person is being abused in a relationship, either mentally or physically, we would think logic would tell them to flee that relationship. But, if a person has suffered trauma like abuse or neglect while growing up, then they will not use this logic; they will be motivated to stay with the person and even become more dependent as the abuser becomes more abusive. When someone does not leave an abusive relationship, it suggests they have been traumatized as a child.

What is considered trauma when it comes to children? It is when a child experiences abuse, neglect or an incident where the child feels powerless and believes that they are in grave danger. Trauma shatters a child’s ability to regulate their emotions. When humans are scared, we run to other people. Children run to their caretaker. If the caretaker is the abuser, then the child’s brain becomes attracted to abusers. That child will be likely to form attachments with abusive, unavailable, or chaotic people. They will feel as though their life depends on being with the dysfunctional person. This is the long-term consequence of trauma as a result of abuse or neglect.

When humans are scared, we run to other people. Children run to their caretaker. If the caretaker is the abuser, then the child’s brain becomes attracted to abusers.

The purpose of this book is to present true scenarios like mine with Carrie Anne, so that you might find yourself or someone you know in this book, recognize unhealthy, destructive behaviors, and realize what healthy behavior looks like. And thus you can know what will lead to happiness or unhappiness. This book will not fix your problems but it will help you become aware of issues you need to address. I sought treatment for this and other issues I had. Now I have extremely fulfilling relationships, including a great marriage, and I could not be happier.

For Carrie Anne, after a series of destructive relationships and marriages, she finally received treatment and is happily married today. If you were abused, neglected, or traumatized, this book will help you realize it and hopefully motivate you to get those issues treated. If not for yourself, you can apply this knowledge to someone that has suffered these kinds of issues.

Seeking treatment for a behavior or mental issue does not mean you are crazy or weak; it means you are smart and strong and not scared to get healthy. It takes a brave person to admit they need help, and seeking help and feeling better is what life is really all about.

Teenage Icebergs

An iceberg is a piece of ice that has broken off from a glacier and is floating around in open water following the current. Only 10% of the iceberg can be seen by people unless they have diving gear or a submarine and can go underneath the surface. The shape and size of the underwater portion can be difficult to judge by looking at the portion above the surface. This has lead to the expression tip of the iceberg. Tip of the iceberg refers to the problem or difficulty we can see that is only a small part of a much larger problem. Oftentimes, parts of an iceberg’s underwater section break off and float to the surface where they would be visible to anyone in the area.

Now this time you read the paragraph try to think of yourself as an iceberg.

An iceberg (you) is a piece of ice (a person) that has broken off from a glacier (you are gaining independence from your parents or care provider) and is floating around in open water (you are trying to find your way in the world and negotiate obstacles) following the current (you are living according to the structure or lack of structure you were provided in the home and at school and with your friends). Only 10% of the iceberg can be seen by people (other people only see your behavior and your appearance; they do not see your history or your genetics) unless they have diving gear or a submarine and can go underneath the surface (your behavior and past experiences cannot be addressed unless you are willing go deep and talk honestly with another person). The shape of the underwater portion can be difficult to judge by looking at the portion above the surface (the physical part of the person is not the whole story; there are many emotional issues underlying their behavior and actions that would tell a more realistic story).

This has lead to the expression tip of the iceberg. Tip of the iceberg refers to the problem or difficulty we can see that is only a small example of a larger problem (if we do not recognize and deal with our underlying issues they can have a negative effect on the rest of our lives). Oftentimes, parts of an iceberg’s underwater section break off and float to the surface where they are visible to anyone in the area (suppressed emotions and feelings often come to the surface and the person’s behavior is visibly affected by these suppressed emotions and repressed feelings).

Carrie Anne was the prettiest person I had ever seen in my life. She looked like a statue of a Roman goddess. But what was below the surface? What had happened to her? We are all icebergs, and the hidden portion lurking beneath the surface has a great impact on how we behave and how we live our lives. This book is about recognizing all the issues hidden under the water and coming to terms with them so they cannot and do not destroy us. Just think about the Titanic. It was the largest ship in the world and it was brought down by a portion of a single iceberg that people could not see.

We cannot change our genetics and we cannot change our past experiences. We can, however, learn how our genetics and past experiences make us feel and act. Then, if we so desire, we can change our behavior and deal with our emotions. What we think we are feeling is usually only a small part of what is really going on. Maybe we think that all we feel is anger,