What Should I Do? What Should I Say? A Handbook for Anyone Who Knows Someone With Cancer

By Heather Russell

Does someone you know have cancer?
Do you feel helpless as to what to do or say?
Though it may feel daunting to know what loved ones and friends need and value when they have cancer, this book gives you practical help, tips for handling the roller-coaster emotions and encouragement to try what you think may be of help. It will take you through good and bad things to say, practical ways to help using your own personal style, ways to help the family or caregiver and even ways to make sure you take care of yourself in the process.
Written by an RN and cancer survivor, and endorsed by best selling author Jordan Rubin, this easy to read book draws on real life situations from the author and others. It can help anyone confidently interact with someone they know with cancer or prepare for a time when they will.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Heather Russell
• Release date: Feb 16, 2012
• ISBN: 9781452447506

Heather Russell

Heather Russell is a 20 year cancer survivor who was surprised at people’s reactions to her illness. As a nurse and midwife she got an interesting perspective of the other side of health care and wants to help others help with confidence. She has lived in 3 countries but currently makes her home in the United States with her husband and children.

Book preview

What Should I DoWhat Should I Say?

A Handbook For Anyone Who Knows Someone With Cancer

Heather Russell, RN

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2012 Heather Russell

This book is also available in print from all major online retailers or by special request from bookstores.

Gentle Rain Press

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Credits

Editor: Rachel Thomson

Cover: Deborah Thomson

Photography: Gordon Russell

Helping Hands of Jill Saunders and Heather Russell

On call technical genius: Becky Thomson

Published 2012 by Gentle Rain Press at Smashwords

In loving memory of Judith Russell, the mother-in-law I dearly wish I’d had the privilege to know, and Joanne Wilson, my funny, brave, and loving friend. You had your own battles with cancer and I look forward to seeing you in heaven one day.

This book is dedicated to My dearest husband, Gordon Russell, who has encouraged, enabled and believed in me and this project from the beginning.

A loving thank you to My children, Brianna, Ethan and Cameron, who patiently shared Mommy with the com-pooter. The progress was slow but I’d rather have you than anything! Brianna, your help with ebook formatting was invaluable, as all your help is!

Thank-you God, for your daily grace and most of all, your unspeakable gift, Jesus.

Table of Contents

Foreword

Chapter 1. First Finding Out

Chapter 2. What is Cancer?

Chapter 3. Common Misconceptions About Cancer

Chapter 4. How Can I Face Them?

Chapter 5. But Everything’s Different Now

Chapter 6. What Do I Say?

Chapter 7. Saying the Wrong Thing

Chapter 8. Saying the Right Thing

Chapter 9. When to Talk About It

Chapter 10. More Wrong Things to Say

Chapter 11. I Feel So Helpless!

Chapter 12. Clearing A Path Through Your Feelings (To Let Them Walk Through Theirs)

Chapter 13. What Do They Want From Me?

Chapter 14. But They Haven’t Asked For Help!

Chapter 15. But We’re Not That Close!

Chapter 16. I’m Not Sure How Much I Want to Help

Chapter 17. What If They’re Too Sick to See Me?

Chapter 18. I Don’t Want to Get Involved

Chapter 19. Your Co-worker With Cancer

Chapter 20. Guidelines for Helping

Chapter 21. Tell Me What to do to Help!

Chapter 22. Laundry, Ironing and Making the World Go Round

Chapter 23. A Chauffeur, A Hand holder and Another Set of Ears

Chapter 24. Visiting the Doctor With Your Friend

Chapter 25. Laughter and Getting Away From It All

Chapter 26. Personality Style and Ideas for Helping

Chapter 27. The Doer

Chapter 28. The Relater

Chapter 29. The Organizer

Chapter 30. The Giver

Chapter 31. The Advocate

Chapter 32. Things to Do, Advice from the Horses’ Mouth

Chapter 33. Don’ts

Chapter 34. Advice, the Unwelcome gift

Chapter 35. Your rights, Their Rights

Chapter 36. A Word About Conventional Therapies

Chapter 37. An Overview of Conventional Therapies

Chapter 38. A Word About Alternative Therapies

Chapter 39. More words on Alternative Therapies

Chapter 40. Pain

Chapter 41. A Changed Body Image

Chapter 42. Care for the Caregiver

Chapter 43. Caring for the Children of someone with Cancer

Chapter 44. My Spouse has Cancer

Chapter 45. When a Child Has Cancer

Chapter 46. When A Parent Has Cancer

Chapter 47. My Adult Child Has Cancer

Chapter 48. Feeding the Less Than Hungry

Chapter 49. Spiritual Care

Chapter 50. Why do I Feel Guilty?

Chapter 51. Why do They feel Guilty?

Chapter 52. Understanding Time Alone

Chapter 53. What to Do When they Pull Away

Chapter 54. Depression-Theirs

Chapter 55. Depression-Yours

Chapter 56. I’m So Angry

Chapter 57. How to Care for Yourself

Chapter 58. But Their Treatment is Making Them Sicker

Chapter 59. My Friend Wants to Give Up

Chapter 60. My Friend is in Denial

Chapter 61. After Treatment Ends, Looking Ahead to the Future

Chapter 62. If Your Friend is Dying

Chapter 63. When It’s All Over

Chapter 64. Grieving

Chapter 65. Living in the Present

Chapter 66. Looking Back with No Regrets

Afterword

Resources

Foreword

When I was diagnosed with cancer in 1991, I was very shocked at how family and friends responded to my diagnosis. It was so unlike what I pictured their reactions to be! My own reactions were likewise surprising and I could not have known my needs before hand.

I wondered if my experience with the people in my life was similar for others with cancer. So, I began to ask around and found a consensus. As I later spoke with my own and other’s friends and family, I discovered that their reaction was more from a lack of knowing what to do and say than a lack of desire to help.

I developed an interview tool to evaluate what the common reactions and needs were, of those going through the cancer experience. Because we were from all different groups, age, gender, types of cancers and treatment options, I wanted to find the commonalities.

The results are in this book. I hope that you will read it with hope and find answers to help your friend in this, their time of need

The names have been changed to help families maintain privacy.

I hope you will find the assurance through reading this compilation of our experiences to confidently reach out to them in this season of their life.

I think you will be greatly blessed by doing so.

More thanks than I can ever express goes to those who especially walked my journey with me, including Cathie, Dave, Carolyn, Janice, Dana and Christa Currey; Natalie Maher, Geoff Stoyle, Lynda Sinclair, Dad (Jim Thomson) and my beloved mom, Lois, who is now in heaven, Lois Prindler, Mark Russell, Sue Thomson, Sharon Ellison, Glenda Gunn and to many other of my family and friends who gave without thought of receiving.

Special thanks to Gary Mclean and the Mclean family, and to Laura Wittke Bondy for their raw and open sharing of their experiences with me and therefore with all of you.

Thank you so much to all of you brave men and women who allowed me to interview you so that others could be better helped in their hour of need.

You are my heroes.

Heather Russell, RN,

Author

Chapter 1.

First Finding Out

What did you say?

Who has cancer?

What’s going to happen to them?

Maybe you felt stunned, helpless or hopeless with fear gnawing in the pit of your stomach.

But I work with her and she seemed normal last week

But he’s my age and all he had was a virus.

She’s never smoked and always taken care of herself

I care so much about him, I couldn’t stand losing him

When faced with a diagnosis of cancer in a friend or family member, reactions can vary from silent withdrawal to hysteria. Initially, thoughts range from denial (there is some mistake) to complete despair and hopelessness (she had so much to live for)

There will be as many differences in feelings and reactions to a cancer diagnosis as there are people, and they may be based on fact or supposition. Your reaction and feelings are not bad, they’re just what you feel. However, how you relate to the one diagnosed with cancer now, may impact your ability to support them later. So before you respond to them again or for the first time, spend some time identifying your own feelings. (see ch. 12 and ch.5)

Chapter 2.

What is Cancer?

The American Cancer Society describes cancer as an "out of control growth of abnormal cells…Cancer cells develop because of damage to DNA. This substance is in every cell and directs all its activities. Most of the time when DNA becomes damaged, the body is able to repair it. In cancer cells, the damaged DNA is not repaired…Cancer cells often travel to other parts of the body where they begin to grow and replace normal tissue. This process, called metastasis, occurs as the cancer cells get into the bloodstream or lymph vessels of our body?

The size of tumor and spread of cancer may influence the prognosis and the treatment options are very specific to type of cancer and stage of disease when diagnosed.

The most common treatment options for cancer are the conventional medical recommendations including surgery, chemotherapy, radiation or a combination of these.

Most of these therapies are associated with some degree of side effects that can be very difficult to deal with, however, many cancers that used to be fatal now have a longer survival rate and sometimes are completely curable. While some consider these therapies necessary to save life and restore health, there are increasing numbers of people turning away from the adverse effects and illness brought on by the attempted cure, to try alternative therapies. They may do this to avoid the side effects of conventional therapies, but they may also believe that despite the medical community’s claims, many cancers are actually not being cured, and the language that a disease is highly treatable or that life expectancy is increased, may lead one to think that a cancer is curable.

They may try these alternative therapies to increase the overall health of their bodies in the hopes that their body will heal itself as it does so well in other circumstances. They may just be trying to support their body while coping with the side effects of any conventional therapy they are using.

Few people do nothing about cancer and chances are the person you know with cancer has chosen one or both of these types of therapies.

Chapter 3

Common Misconceptions About Cancer

Probably the most common misconceptions about cancer that I have come across are:

1. My friend