Parallel Humorverses

By G. E. Kruckeberg

A salesman friend of mine once told me that the quickest way to break the ice with a difficult client - and the most facile method of surmounting difficult situations when they arrise - is to tell a joke. There is something deep in the human psyche that is not only soothed and mollified by humor, but that actively seeks it out like an addictive drug. Human beings, in my experience, also display an instinctive affinity for poetry as the penultimate of verbal expression. Parallel Humorverses is intended to satisfy both of these human proclivities by presenting jokes set to verse. Over 170 verses offer everything from the raunchy to the innocuous, with a healthy sprinkling of the risque and the suggestive in between. You Are guaranteed to enjoy this romp through some of the funniest poems ever written, and as a bonus, the enterprising joke meister can glean a wealth of bon mots to add to his own repertoire.

• Language: English
• Publisher: G. E. Kruckeberg
• Release date: Jan 24, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466082298

G. E. Kruckeberg

G. E. Kruckeberg is a retired engineer turned author and poet. He has lived in several foreign countries including Japan, Korea, and Texas, and currently resides in Bucerias, Mexico with his wife Annie and a Chihuahua named Ninya.

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Parallel Humorverses

By G. E. Kruckeberg

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2011 by G. E. Kruckeberg

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Author’s Note:

Humor, to paraphrase Margaret Wolfe Hungerford, is in the eye of the beholder. There are indeed many things that color our individual perceptions of humor—ethnicity, religion, childhood and/or life experiences, to name a few—but the primary differentiator that separates us all is gender.

As my Daddy used to say, There ain’t but two kinds of people in the world: women and men—and women and men don’t always laugh at the same things.

With that in mind, the following collection of humorous verses has been divided into three categories: a woman’s humorverse, a man’s humorverse, and a common humorverse.

The common humorverse, as the name implies, is suitable for both sexes; the other two comprise humorous verses that have been selected to titillate the distinctive pallets of the feminine and masculine genders respectively.

While this differentiation is implemented, at least in part, to shield the gentler sex from language that may be consider inappropriate, it also affords either sex a glimpse into the collective psyche of the other. The author therefore recommends that, whether you are a man or a woman, you read the entire book. As Sun Tzu said in The Art of War, Know your enemy.

The discerning reader will quickly realize that the verses that follow are actually jokes set to poetry. In fact, you may recognize some old favorites cast in a new format. There are also, however, many that are original with the author. You can easily tell the difference between the two because the non-original verses are funny.

It is possible, of course, to extract the jokes from the verses below and add them to your repertoire—another good reason for buying this book. Should you decide to follow that course, however, you might want to heed the following good advice (the only kind I give).

After having regaled your compatriots with the incomparable humor gleaned herein, casually mention the source. That will show your audience that you are not only funny but well-read. (Should this help me to sell more books, that would be an incidental bonus.)

But enough banter. Get yourself a glass of wine or a cold one, kick back, put your feet up, and sample the smorgasbord of poetic hilarity presented below.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

A WOMAN'S HUMORVERSE

A MAN'S HUMORVERSE

A COMON HUMORVERSE

About the Author

A WOMAN'S HUMORVERSE

Adam And Eve

After God made Adam and Eve,

He found he had two parts unused.

So he decided he would give

One part to each, as they might choose.

God told Adam and Eve he had

Two things, and they could have one each.

The first, said God, "is a thing that

Will let you stand up when you pee."

Adam jumped up and down and cried,

"Oh, please, God, please. Give that to me.

It’s always been a dream of mine

To stand up when I take a pee."

So God to Adam gave the thing

That let him pee while standing up,

And Adam whizzed on everything –

It seemed he couldn’t pee enough.

Eve and God with amusement watched

As Adam ran like a little boy

From tree to tree and rock to rock,

Practicing with his new found toy.

Well, Eve, said God, "I guess that leaves

You with the one part that remains."

And what is that part called? said Eve.

God said, The part is called a brain.

The Perfect Woman

There once was a perfect woman,

And she married a perfect man.

And one Christmas Eve the two o’them

Were driving in a snow storm, when

They saw a man in a red suit

Walking on the side of the road,

Wearing a fur hat and black boots

And carrying a heavy load.

The perfect couple stopped because

It was Christmas Eve, and they found

The man in red was Santa Claus.

He said his sleigh had broken down.

Being the perfect couple, they

Offered to take him on his rounds,

Delivering toys for Christmas day

To all the girls and boys in town.

But then they had an accident.

Just one survived to tell the tale 

It was the perfect woman, since

The other two were fictional.

Negativity Scene

Melinda went to her hairdresser

And told her she was going to Rome.

The hairdresser said "You’d do better

To save your money and just stay home.

"Rome is dirty and it’s full of crime.

So how are you getting there?" she asked.

Melinda said, On Delta Airlines.

The hairdresser scoffed, "Now that’s the last

"Airline that I would ever use.

Their planes are all in need of repair;

The service is even worse than the food.

Where are you staying when you get there?"

Melinda answered, The Paradise.

The hairdresser said, "Oh, what a dump.

I hope you don’t mind roaches and mice.

So what do you plan to do for fun?"

Melinda replied, "We’re gonna try

To see the Pope," and the hairdresser

Said, "You and a million other guys.

I wish you luck with that endeavor."

One month later, Melinda got home,

And went to her hairdresser, of course,

Who asked, So how was your trip to Rome?

Melinda said, "It was fabulous.

"We were on one of Delta’s new planes,

And they’d overbooked it, so they moved

Us into first class, with free champagne,

Fantastic service, and gorgeous food.

"And when we arrived at our hotel,

We found they had renovated it.

But it seems they’d overbooked as well,

So they gave us the Presidential suite."

The hairdresser said, "Well, you were lucky,

But I’ll bet you never saw the Pope."

Melinda answered, "Actually,

It turned out better than we had hoped.

"The day we were at the Vatican,

A Swiss Guard came up to us and said,

‘The Pope sometimes grants an audience

To visitors randomly selected.’

"He took us