The Rong Stuff

By Gary O. Heller

In a satire that does for Vietnam what Catch-22 did for WWII, Gary Heller tells the fictionalized true story of what it was like to almost become a fighter pilot during the Vietnam War.
Gary O. Heller was a jet mechanic and helicopter pilot. He lives in Indiana.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Elderberry Press
• Release date: Jan 5, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466087248

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THE RONG STUFF

Copyright © 1986 by Gary O. Heller

Smashwords Edition

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To those special individuals in military aviation circles who possess the rong stuff, as opposed to the right stuff Contents

Chapter 1

I'LL FIGHT!

At a small midwestern church college, affectionately referred to as East Jesus State by the dissident students who had accumulated the most chapel cuts, Roy L. Hemorrhoid made up his mind that he would join the air force as soon as possible after graduation, as an officer and pilot, to serve in Vietnam. Although he had already completed his military obligation prior to the Vietnam War, as an enlisted man, he had had a bellyful of talk around campus about draft dodging by those wimps who were enrolling in seminary as well as pulling other cowardly tricks. He also was sick of all the longhaired creeps at college campuses across the country who were antiwar proponents. After all, any fight against communism seemed a worthy fight. He would take up the slack of the cowards and fight like a hundred men.

Roy realized that he could also fulfill a childhood dream of being an air force pilot at the same time he served in the Vietnam War. He immediately contacted a local air force recruiter to arrange for the testing necessary to enter flight training.

During the initial interview, the recruiter told Roy that he could have a bachelor's degree in any subject except Bible or religion to qualify for flight training. Roy thought this was somewhat unusual and queried the recruiter, out of curiosity, as to why a religious degree would not be allowed. The recruiter explained that such a background would cause difficulties for someone assigned to drop bombs on an enemy village or other people-related targets. But much more important than being squeamish about dropping napalm bombs on the enemy would be the outside chance that someday you might be called before the Congress of the United States to testify about military affairs or defense spending and you might have a problem stretching the truth.

For example, the recruiter went on, one of the biggest expenses in the air force is toilet seats. That's because the famous expression 'cover your ass' has come to put high priority on that item. Right now we are paying $100 for a commode seat for a B-52 bomber, but we hope someday, with the defense budget increases, we will be able to pay $500 or even $1,000 for a similar one. This will provide a significant deterrent to the Russians, when they realize we spare no cost for our butts.

Roy exclaimed, That's a bit much, isn't it, when you can buy a toilet seat at a civilian hardware store for five dollars?

Yes, the recruiter answered, but the extra money goes to a slush fund, set up by the defense suppliers, so they can hire the top air force brass as they retire. Then they in turn can sell the toilet seats to their former subordinate officers who are still on active duty, at a handsome profit.

Roy quickly understood why the air force wouldn't want anyone who had a religious or ethical background.

After taking a lengthy battery of written tests, which he passed, Roy was scheduled for his first flight physical examination at a nearby air force base. Roy then realized that the last thing they ever wanted in the air force was the truth, after reviewing the medical history questionnaire. It seemed that only a perfect physical specimen could qualify, inasmuch as no one who was older than six months of age could truthfully answer that he had never been knocked unconscious or had other disturbances of consciousness by some injury caused by an accident or by playing contact sports.

The medical exam was passed and submitted, along with Roy's college transcripts, to a selection committee at air force headquarters at Randolph AFB in San Antonio, Texas.

Within a couple of months, the air force sent the news, by letter, that Roy had been selected for a three-month Officer Training School at Lackland AFB in San Antonio, Texas, to be followed by pilot training, which would last over one year.

Roy was elated with the opportunity to go to flight training. The only bad thing was going through the twelve weeks of officer school to become a ninety-day wonder, as second lieutenants were disdainfully referred to when he was an enlisted man. The worst part, he felt, was that he had had his fill of military basic training, years before when he had undergone thirteen weeks of basic training, also at this same Lackland AFB. Roy made up his mind that he would endure more of the bull sheet in order to fly.

Chapter 2

OFFICER TRAINING SCHOOL OR THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB

Roy reported into OTS at Lackland AFB, Texas, where he met some of the other 100 new trainees who had arrived for the same class. He quickly found a couple of other athletically inclined heavyweights to room with. Thereafter, their room quickly earned the nickname of the the gorilla cage, which stuck with them for the remainder of the training, especially during athletic events.

The first significant difference between enlisted basic training and Officer Training School that Roy observed was that the officer school was run by upperclassmen students, those that had finished the first six weeks of the course. A lot of the upperclassmen were insufferable and strutted around as though they were miniature General MacArthurs trying to bark orders and look important.

After viewing this system for just a short time, Roy knew he 'had to watch himself and avoid a confrontation with any upperclassmen and winding up kicking the crap out of them.

The other difference between basic enlisted training and officer school was the longer training hours. The OTS schedule was much fuller, with the day starting at 5:00 A.M. and usually not over until homework was done, at about 11:00 P.M. every night.

Roy learned that one of the more important training phases at OTS was learning to steel-wool the black scuff marks from boots off the lengthy barracks' hallways. This became a more painful experience every week, as the steel wool became embedded in Roy's fingertips. He tried to get rubber gloves for use in this task, but he was advised that they were in short supply on the base because the medical boys utilized them for digital rectal examinations. There were also a number of nonmedical brass around, who needed the rubber gloves to make some of their own rectal exams for the sport of it, sometimes utilizing broom handles.

OTS tradition emphasized trivia to the point that years before, the theme song of the Mickey Mouse Club had been adopted to reflect musically the school's highest purpose.

Roy felt