President Reagan's Final Message

By Garry Puffer

This is a comic alternate history novel in which Ronald Reagan gives his last State of the Union message, then falls down the stairs and knocks himself out. When he wakes up several days later he is a liberal, a situation causing a lot of confusion and solved in the end by Voodoo.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Garry Puffer
• Release date: Oct 22, 2011
• ISBN: 9780983960720

Garry Puffer

Born 1945. Has lived in Michigan, New York, and California. Retired mathematics teacher. Loves golf, reading, and live rock and roll.

Book preview

President Reagan’s Final Message

An alternate history novel

By
Garry W. Puffer

Copyright © 2011 Garry Puffer

Smashwords Edition

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ISBN: 978-0-9839607-2-0

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter One

In which President Reagan gives a surprising State of the Union message and then runs afoul of the stairs. Much ado is made of his condition.

Chapter Two

The President sleeps. Vice-President Bush takes the reins of government on his shoulders. The President sleeps some more. Some people begin to worry. There is much talk about what he might be like when he wakes up, if he does. The doctors know something. The President continues to sleep.

Chapter Three

Something is rotten in the District of Columbia. George Herbert Walker Bush. Nancy talks to Howard Baker. The President wakes up. The nation rejoices. He seems to be healthy, he looks good. He looks very good.

Chapter Four

The President says strange things.

Chapter Five

The President finds out about Project Omega. His television address is cut short.

Chapter Six

The President’s speech.

Chapter Seven

Enter the religious far right. The President talks to the homeless.

Chapter Eight

Lots of issues. The Christians formulate a plan. The President persists.

Chapter Nine

More things happen. The President has his head examined. George Herbert Walker Bush takes his lumps. The President pulls a nomination that surprises everyone except the nominee.

Chapter Ten

The doctors’ report. We get a new Vice-President, sort of an astronaut.

Chapter Eleven

Chairman Reagan’s Big White Book. Death threats.

Chapter Twelve

The President abroad. It all comes down to Voodoo.

Chapter Thirteen

The end.

Appendix

Trance states and the President’s visions.

Bibliography

Introduction

What follows is a satire. It is in no way meant to portray events as they were or should have been. A satire does not set out to do these things. It sets out to make fun of those in power, a writer’s artistic right. Lampooning is a centuries-old tradition, as is the election of incompetent buffoons.

We could call President Reagan President Gipper, and we could call Mikhail Gorbachev Premier Andreiovich, and we could call Moammar Khadafi Moammar Gadafi, but this would only make the reader have to think. We will call people by their real names, to simplify things, the way Americans like it.

This is a novel, meant to tell the story of what could happen only in some weird alternate universe. Which, incidentally, is where this story comes from. It was told to the author by Beth, sister of Seth, Jane Roberts’ personal spirit, between the hours of three a.m. and five a.m. on the days of June 20th to June 29th, 1987. Beth was speaking from the particular plane of the spirit world whence all novels come, which she identified as the Mezzanine. The author claims no responsibility for the story whatsoever, but Beth says she has no use for royalties herself, and instructed the author to put his own name on it. Other authors wishing to get novels from Beth are advised to drink several bottles of tequila and then wait for her to get in touch with you. Beth’s words in this case were written down by a friend (who wishes to remain anonymous), while the author himself was in a deep hypnotic trance.

If you are named herein and you are thinking of a lawsuit for libel, remember two things:

1) I have no money.

2) This is only a novel.

Chapter One

In which President Reagan gives a surprising State of the Union message and then runs afoul of the stairs. Much ado is made of his condition.

The chamber was packed. TV lights glared. There was a constant buzz and murmur. Everyone there was dressed up. Even the TV cameramen wore suits. This was theater at its finest. This was, in its own way, better than the Academy Awards. This was President Reagan’s final State of the Union message.

The President was a few minutes late, but everyone expected that. It just added to the electricity in the air. A genuine American event was about to take place.

Ronald Reagan may have been a lame duck, but he was no spring chicken. But neither did he enter the chamber quacking or clucking. He entered it waving and smiling and calling out things to unseen persons in the audience. He shook a few hands along the way. He was introduced by the Speaker of the House. He ascended to the podium. He shuffled a few papers, while the audience seated itself and continued to buzz. The TV anchor men covering the event became silent.

The papers were props. The President would read off a teleprompter built into the podium so it would not show up on television. He shuffled the papers anyway, while he surveyed the audience. He tapped the papers into a nice, neat bundle. He cleared his throat. He leaned into the microphone and began by greeting all the assembled Congresspersons and other distinguished guests. Then he began his final speech.

This is my last State of the Union speech. He smiled, and there was scattered applause. The applause was frowned down by the vast majority. And I thought I would begin by going back and taking a look at all the years of our administration of this great country of ours. Then I figured, no, that no one wanted to hear a history lesson. So I will just report to you the Status Quo of the Union. He paused and looked around. And I am happy to report to you that our union is healthy and strong, that we are prepared to look the future in the face and say, ‘We’re ready for you.’ We are a nation of builders and achievers, we are once again proud of ourselves. He held up his hands, palms out. "Oh, I know there are the nay-sayers out there, those guys who think the glass is always half-empty, I know that you’d say we were in pretty bad shape, what with all this fuss about arms to Iran and Ollie North’s Contras, and the threat of imminent war, but the wonderful thing about this country is that it weathers things like this. And it weathers them because it’s strong, because its people are strong, because you out there are strong.

The country is only as good as its people, and this country is full of good people.

At this point there was prolonged applause. So far he hasn’t said anything, said one television producer to his engineer. The engineer nodded. The applause died down. The President continued.

I can only say that our administration is sorry for any hurt that it has caused this great country of ours, but that our intentions were good ones. Several reporters rushed from the room at this statement.

We may have our problems but that’s what makes this country so great. We will work through them, and we’ll do it with teamwork, because that’s the American way. We will clear up our drug problems at home. We’ve already seen results of the ‘Just Say No’ campaign Nancy has been working on. We are turning it around and we’re doing it together. We think that you could honestly say that you are better off now than you were eight years ago. There was no applause at this line. We will clear up our image problems abroad. There was prolonged applause once more.

The President said basically nothing for a while, every so often to polite or sustained applause. After ten minutes, the state of the union had not really been talked about, and his speech had been interrupted by applause seven times.

Let’s get this thing going, said the TV producer to no one in particular. This is one of the most boring speeches I’ve ever covered. The President talked about playing football, about how it was a true test of grit and fortitude, which could win it for the Western side, the Children of Light. To attain true freedom, the President said, we have to feel secure. And with our new technology at work for us in the skies, we will all be able to sleep better at night. This too drew applause, possibly from those who use too much Sominex. It seemed to be bipartisan applause.

This administration has made its share of mistakes. Shucks, everybody does. But mistakes in the defense of our people and our freedom are surely forgivable mistakes.

Shucks? said the TV producer.

Our economy continues to respond strongly. It just needs to be squeezed here and there every once in a while, and it always comes back, just like all Americans always come back.

What about Judge Crater? asked the engineer.

Judge Crater? Was he an American? I thought he was from Africa.

"Or the moon. Judge Crater? Get it?" The engineer laughed at his