101 Politically Incorrect Limericks

By Gary Kuyper

I have here some brand new ditties
From old and not-so-old cities
They mostly contain
Stuff to warp your brain
Such as sex, violence, language and nudities

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gary Kuyper
• Release date: Oct 21, 2010
• ISBN: 9781458090270

Gary Kuyper

Gary Kuyper began his professional literary career writing self-help and general interest articles for Daan Retief Publishers who produced a monthly book for their woman’s club called Woman’s Forum. These articles would sometimes require research and had titles as diverse as The Human Brain and Body Painting!Being a professional photographer on a part-time basis Gary has also managed to have his articles on photography (With accompanying photographs) published in books and magazines. He has also done some free-lance photography and photojournalism projects for numerous local newspapers.Over the past four years he has constantly managed to be one of the top finalists in the Nova Short Story Competition (A competition for budding writers of science fiction and/or fantasy).Last year (2009) Gary had the pleasure of seeing The Devil's Little Tadpoles grace the pages of the local SF & Fantasy Fanzine Probe.He is an avid film buff and amateur film maker. A few years ago I managed to take first prize in the SA Ten Best Film Makers Competition with a short film entitled The Crimson Cobra - An action-packed martial arts / superhero movie using some of the very talented local artists.He is a qualified prosthetics make-up artist and has used this talent on both amateur and professional productions. He has also appeared on television in a youth program especially made for enlightening people in the art of special effects make-up.Gary has a rather excellent general knowledge being not only an avid writer but reader of any material that is able to stimulate him cerebrally.He taught himself Adobe Photoshop and has become adapt and proficient enough at utilizing the software to such a degree that he has managed to sell a number of creations to various institutes and organizations. He is particularly fond of a logo designed for the Krazy Mug Coffee Shop and several covers that have graced the front of Probe.Gary has a vast knowledge of music and has appeared on the local Television Music Quiz Show Note for Note where he was able to win a substantial amount of prize money.In 2008 he entered the SF / Fantasy Mini Radio Play Competition and took first prize with his The Adventures of Captain Max Power of the Intergalactic Police - an obvious homage to the early Flash Gordon radio series’. A number of skilled professionals are now planning to produce Max to CD and have it aired on a local radio station (SAfm).All his literary and photojournalistic accomplishments have been done on a part-time basis due to the fact that his full time career is lecturing mathematics as well as engineering science at a Technical College. Although this is a most fulfilling profession, it has long been Gary's ideal to become a full-time writer – especially of fantasy, science fiction and horror novels.He has recently published his first full-length fantasy novel - The Chronicles of Baltrath: The DARK WIZARDS.As a considerable amount of time and effort has been expended in building the world of Baltrath, Gary has begun work on a sequel to The Dark Wizards.

Book preview

101

Politically Incorrect

Limericks

Volume One

by

Gary Kuyper

CONTAINS

SNLV

FOR MATURE READERS ONLY!

This is a first edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to amazon.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Copyright © Gary van Nikkelen Kuyper 2010

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people living or dead, events or locales, is entirely coincidental

Smashwords Edition

This book is available in print at amazon.com

ISBN 1 45388 786 5

DEDICATION

For my very good friend, Vincent Butler

INTRO

I have here some brand new ditties

From old and not-so-old cities

They mostly contain

Stuff to warp your brain

Such as sex, violence, language and nudities

FOREWORD

From Sydney to old Essex

Comes this collection that prudes will vex

Be forewarned to refrain

For it doth mostly contain

Violence, nudity, language and sex

HISTORY

The Limerick was originally known as Nonsense Verse and was popularized by Edward Lear in the 19th century.

Contrary to popular belief, the Limerick did not find its origins in the Irish county of the same name, but in the fact that many of the early Nonsense Verses included the refrain, ‘Won’t you come to Limerick.’

Basically, a Limerick is a five-line poem in anapestic or amphibrachic meter with a strict rhyme scheme viz. AABBA i.e. the 1st, 2nd and 5th stanzas rhyming with each other, with the 3rd and 4th having their own rhyme scheme.

The first line traditionally introduces a person and a place, with the place appearing at the end of the first line and establishing the rhyme scheme for the second and fifth lines. In early limericks, the last line was often essentially a repeat of the first line, although this is no longer customary.

The Limerick is intentionally witty or humorous, and is sometimes obscene with humorous intent.

Gershon Legman, renowned for compiling the largest and most scholarly anthology, held that the true limerick as a folk form is always obscene, and cites similar opinions by Arnold Bennett and George Bernard Shaw, describing the clean limerick as a periodic fad and object of magazine contests, rarely rising above mediocrity (See DEFINITION). From a folkloric point of view, the form is essentially transgressive; violation of taboo is part of its function.

DEFINITION

The limerick packs laughs anatomical

In a space that is quite economical

But the good ones I've seen

So seldom are clean

And the clean ones so seldom are comical

# # #

101

Politically Incorrect

Limericks

Volume One

If you consider the names in the ivory tower

This is most definitely America’s darkest hour

This might sound lewd

But we’re definitely screwed

With a Dick and a Bush wielding power

The altar boy awoke in his bed

To the sensation of getting good head

But upon lifting the cover

To his dismay did discover

It was the local vicar called Ned

A man by name of Bin Ladin

Awoke with a very large hard on

"Come and see

My WMD!"

He shouted naked in the garden

A daring young lady called Violet

Had ambitions to become a jet pilot

When the general replied,

Your request is denied.

She told him just where he could file it!

Moaned the captain of the elite S.W.A.T.,

"From the mayor new orders I’ve got

He seems rather keen

To form The Women’s Action Team

And then to duly name it T.W.A.T."

A fanatic from old Iraq

Strapped a nuclear device to his back

His voice he raised

Crying, Allah, be praised!

And blew the doors off his shack

Sir Galahad the brave handsome knight

Killed the dragon in a formidable fight

But on exiting the dark lair

Discovered the damsel fair

To be an ugly old bitchy transvestite

The president, name of Obama

Wrote, "Desperately seeking Osama

Good info I’ll laud

With a large reward

If it ends this ongoing drama."

A dying monk called Chong Lee

Said, See ya all tomorrow at tea.

When the brothers all cried,

Before then you’ll have died.

He said, Yes, but I’ll be reincarnated by three.

Her hubby came sooner than later

"One outta ten’s what I rate yer

You’re useless in bed

So tomorrow instead

I’ll be usin’ my six-speed vibrator."

Bill, known better as the big boss

Was asked by Hillary fuming cross,

"What’s wrong with your dick?

It looks kind of slick

And has the color of Monica’s lip gloss."

The argument between Yoda and Vader

Was about who had the longest light saber

But when the Jedi pulled his out

A storm trooper did shout,

I’ve picked up something nasty on the radar!

A man’s most