Dealing with Divorce Participant's Guide

By Elizabeth Oates

"If you’ve watched your parents get divorced, you know how much it stinks. A lot of times there’s blame, anger, frustration, confusion, fear, and a ton of other emotions and issues that come up—just as much for you as for your parents. But you don’t have to hold on to those emotions anymore.In this six-week study, you can begin healing from the hurt you experienced when your parents split up—whether it happened recently or when you were younger. You’ll have a chance to hear stories of other people’s experiences with divorce, look at what the Bible says about family and marriage, as well as anger, guilt, and forgiveness, and explore what you’re feeling in the midst of it all. In the end, you’ll begin to heal as you find some hope for the future.Your family has changed. There’s not much that you can do about that. But you can change your heart as you begin to let go of the pain you’ve been carrying."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Zondervan
• Release date: Aug 30, 2009
• ISBN: 9780310861621

Elizabeth Oates

Elizabeth oates (B.A., Baylor University and M.A., Dallas Theological Seminary) is a freelance writer who is passionate about marriage and family ministry. She and her husband, Brandon, founded Project Restoration, a ministry reaching out to a broken generation seeking spiritual, life-giving restoration through Jesus Christ. They have two children and live in Waco, Texas. For more information, go to www.projectrestorationministry.org

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YOUTH SPECIALTIES

DEALING WITH DIVORCE PARTICIPANT’S GUIDE: FINDING DIRECTION WHEN YOUR PARENT’S SPLIT UP Copyright 2009 by Elizabeth Oates

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan.

ePub Edition June 2009 ISBN: 0-310-86162-4

Youth Specialties resources, 300 S. Pierce St., El Cajon, CA 92020 are published by Zondervan, 5300 Patterson Ave. SE, Grand Rapids, MI 49530.

ISBN 978-0-310-27886-3

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, Today’s New International Version™. TNIV®. Copyright 2001, 2005 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other — except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Cover design by David Conn

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CONTENTS

Cover Page

Title Page

Copyright

Introduction

Week One Road Trip: Identifying Your Feelings about Divorce

Week Two Crimes and Misdemeanors: Exploring Reasons for Divorce

Week Three Switching Drivers: Life Changes after Divorce

Week Four Driver’s Education: How to Effectively Communicate with Your Parents

Week Five Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right: Choosing Forgiveness after a Divorce

Week Six The End of the Road: Growing Closer to Christ

Notes

About the Publisher

Share Your Thoughts

To Brandon

INTRODUCTION

Dealing with Divorce is a Bible study designed just for you. Whether your parents divorced years ago or are currently divorcing, I understand that you’re working through certain issues and feelings.

I also know that when your parents divorce, you reach a crossroads—a point in time when you must choose how you will live. Will you choose rebellion, self-destruction, and self-satisfaction? Or will you choose the peace and forgiveness found only in Christ Jesus? I pray that as you search the Scriptures and work through this study, you will find peace and trust in God’s plan for your life.

So start your engines! The journey is about to begin. This Bible study is designed for you to use either as your personal daily devotional or as a group study with other students. Whether you take this journey alone or with others, remember to be honest with yourself, with others, and with God. Only then will you understand your own feelings and thoughts about divorce and, ultimately, God’s views on divorce.

I hope this is a life-changing adventure as you seek God’s best for you at the crossroads of life.

WEEK 1

ROAD TRIP

Identifying Your Feelings about Divorce

DAY 1—ROAD RAGE

Have you ever been driving on a highway when another driver suddenly swerves into your lane, practically cutting off your car’s front end? And then that driver has the nerve to honk at you, as if this near-accident were your fault.

Driving, especially in large cities, has become increasingly dangerous over the years. And not just because our country’s population has increased—it’s also because of people’s attitudes on the road.

Have you noticed how drivers begrudgingly allow you to switch lanes? How they run red lights without any hesitation? How they yell at one another for the slightest offenses? Road rage is dangerous and becoming more common in our society. Drivers don’t realize their behavior on the road should mirror their behavior when they’re outside of their vehicles. Would they act this way in the checkout line at Target? (Well…forget I asked.)

We all experience rage or anger in life. If your parents are divorcing, chances are you feel angry: Angry at your mom, angry at your dad, angry at yourself, angry at God, angry at no one in particular—just angry. Today we’ll explore this menace called anger and how we can deal with it in our own lives.

Take a minute to think about situations in the past when your parents have done something to make you angry. Is your dad a workaholic? Does your mom monitor your phone calls? Does your dad miss your football games because he’s with his new family?

1. Take some time to list (in the space below) any situations or events that have made you angry with your parents.

That was probably easy for you, wasn’t it? Holding on to memories that hurt us is often very easy to do. We tend to hold close our memories of betrayal or disappointment.

2. Instead of clutching our anger and never releasing it, what does the apostle Paul say we should do with our anger? Read Ephesians 4:26 and summarize it in your own words.

While our parents might make us angry, we owe them our honesty. Have you ever shared your feelings about your anger with your mom or dad? Have you ever told them about a specific event that really made you angry?

If you’ve never shared these feelings with your mom or dad, spend some time praying about whether God wants you to approach them. Ask God if your feelings are legitimate, or if you’re searching for reasons to be angry with your parents. You might need to spend several days praying about this.

If God tells you to talk about your feelings with your parents, you need to obey God. But there’s a specific way to approach them so they’ll hear you.

First, schedule a time when you know your mom or dad can sit down with you and really listen. Schedule a meeting in their Blackberry or arrange a lunch or dinner date. They’ll appreciate your effort and maturity, and they’ll likely respond much more openly than if you were to slyly catch them off-guard.

Second, when you talk with your parents, remember Proverbs 15:1, which states, A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Be calm. Explain your feelings. Use I statements, such as—

• I was really angry when __________________________________________ .

• It really hurts my feelings when ____________________________________ .

Don’t use an accusatory tone or you statements, such as—

• You always _____________________________________________________ .

• You never ______________________________________________________ .

• You love ____________________________________ more than you love me.

Statements like these will put a wall between you and your parents. The goal of the conversation is to open your lines of communication.

You might be wondering, What if my parents get angry when I bring up things from the past? If your parents respond in anger, remember Ecclesiastes 10:4: If a ruler’s anger rises against you, do no leave your post; calmness can lay great offenses to rest. In other words, don’t give up and remain calm.

No matter how your parents respond to you, your responsibility is to stand firm in your convictions as calmly as possible. If you feel angry because one parent had an extramarital affair, then you can be honest and tell that parent why this makes you angry. Your mom or dad might be offended by your candor, but you’re entitled to express your feelings—as long as you still treat your parents with respect.

Understand anger isn’t necessarily wrong or sinful. It’s a natural emotion we all—including God—feel. However, our response to this emotion can either be sinful or glorify God.

For the rest of your devotional time, take a look at some other verses associated with anger.

3. Exodus 34:6 states, The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. What does it mean to be slow to anger?

4. How can you become slow to anger in your own life?

5. Why does God want us to control our anger? Write down what each verse tells you.

• Proverbs 14:29

• Proverbs 15:18

• James 1:19-20

6. Instead of negatively responding to our anger, how does God want us