Be Understood or Be Overlooked: Mastering Communication in the Workplace

By Graham Andrewartha

Written for employees who feel overlooked or under recognized and for individuals who want to communicate more effectively, this book details how not to be misunderstood and to avoid conflict. It reveals communication patterns in individuals and shows how, when certain people’s patterns match, communication is successful and they are understood. Also covered are the reasons why other people’s patterns do not connect, communication is disrupted, and the individual is overlooked. This book shows individuals how to better develop their own personal communication profile, enabling them to recognize unique patterns in others. As a result, individuals will achieve greater understanding and success when dealing with others at work and at home.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Allen Unwin
• Release date: Sep 1, 2002
• ISBN: 9781741151183

Graham Andrewartha

With years of experience both nationally and internationally, Graham has proven his skills in analysing and evaluating individual and organisational needs. He skilfully provides strategies to leverage current strengths and to rectify identified weaknesses. Graham’s areas of exceptional expertise include: leadership development and coaching; organisational reviews and change implementation; performance management and development; strategic planning; negotiation and conflict resolution; HRM auditing, planning, and development. He is the author of two Leadership texts; ‘Developing management skills’ and ‘Be understood or be overlooked.’ Graham delivers quality consultancy services to public, private, and NGO sectors.

Book preview

          be understood

                    or be overlooked

ASTERY SERIES

be understood

       or be overlooked

mastering communication

in the workplace

graham andrewartha

First published in 2002

Copyright © Graham Andrewartha 2002

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

Allen & Unwin

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Australia

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Web: www.allenandunwin.com

National Library of Australia

Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:

Andrewartha, Graham.

Be understood or be overlooked : mastering influence in the workplace.

Bibliography.

Includes index.

ISBN 1 86508 944 3.

1. Interpersonal communication. I. Title. (Series: Mastery series ; No. 2).

153.6

Cover and internal design by Peta Nugent

Printed by Griffin Press

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

foreword

No one would talk much in society, if he only knew how often he misunderstands others.

Goethe

I have been practising psychotherapy for almost 30 years. Having edited or written more than 20 professional books and monographs that appear in nine languages; having taught psychotherapy in 35 countries; having studied with some of the most renowned psychotherapists of the 20th century, including Milton H. Erickson M.D., who is probably history’s greatest psychotherapeutic communicator — one would think that I would have mastered the art of making myself perfectly understood. If only that were the case. Improving communication skills continues to be a lifelong endeavour. Fortunately, there are people like Graham Andrewartha, who can help us to be better understood.

Be Understood or Be Overlooked is an engaging journey into the intricacies of human interaction. Readers will learn an immediately applicable and eminently useful model that can be applied both at home and at work. It is a book that readers will return to often, especially at those moments when they’ve strayed into incomprehensible communication pitfalls. Cleverly designed, with practical exercises to help master key concepts, it is a book that provides a reliable map to communication.

It is a great honour for me to introduce this important work from an esteemed colleague and innovative expert.

Jeffrey K. Zeig, Ph.D.

Director, The Milton Erickson Foundation

Phoenix AZ, www.erickson-foundation.org

acknowledgments

The evolution of good ideas is complicated and ambiguous but acknowledging the source of inspiration and those who contributed is simple.

The spirit of Milton Erickson is influential and pervasive in this work. He was a grand Master Communicator.

His brilliant successor, Jeffrey Zeig, the source of the original concept, is a friend and an incredible teacher.

My partner Susan McPhee, the breathtaking creator, challenged and supported all the way.

Alison Budden, the quiet developer with a fierce resilience, has been crucial.

The other folks at McPhee Andrewartha — Michael Correll, Annie Shepherd, John Wallace, Karin Bottcher, Simon Cook, Karen Bannister, Jo Baker, Peter Andrewartha and Doug Gillett — supported with ideas, examples, patience and suggestions.

Anne Deveson has been a model for humour and infinite perseverance.

To the Rockford's Black Shiraz writer’s block group — Maria Podnieks, Chris Colyer, Sharon Clews, Margie McDonald, Danielle Andrewartha, Lou DeLeeuw, John Harris — thanks for the unblocking.

Finally I appreciate the character-building contribution from my editor Brendan Atkins.

about the author

Graham Andrewartha is a psychologist and Director of McPhee Andrewartha. He is the co-author of Developing Management Skills: A Comprehensive Guide for Leaders, and author of several chapters and numerous articles on leadership, communication and organisational effectiveness. He teaches MBA classes on leadership skills and consults widely throughout Australasia.

He is married and has two great independent kids. In his spare time he reads junk thrillers, plays shrewd tennis, indifferent golf, and loves seeing two movies in a row.

He considers that the cartoonist Gary Larson probably has the final word on leadership.

YOUR OFFICIAL INFLUENCE DIMENSIONS PROFILE

You are invited to complete the original online Influence Dimensions communication tool in its entirety. You may also like to compare your Communication Mastery profile with that of a partner or friend. You can access your profile at a discounted price. To complete this, please log onto the Internet and go to:

www.mcpheeandrewartha.com.au

and click on the Influence Dimensions logo. On the next screen click on the Be Understood or Be Overlooked book logo.

Enter the following details on the login screen:

Username: buboreader

Password: priority

(Please note these are both case sensitive)

Enter all details including your email address (where your report will be sent) and complete the questionnaire.

Once you have completed the questionnaire you will be prompted for your payment details. This will allow you to purchase the report at a discounted rate of AU$20 (including GST), a very special offer for all readers of Be understood or be overlooked.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Graham Andrewartha

table of contents

foreword

acknowledgments

about the author

your official influence dimensions profile

introduction

part one

chapter 1 how not to be overlooked within four months

the pressure to be understood

four levels of understanding

principles of understanding

six tips for better understanding

six crucial macro understandings

expectation and understanding

in conclusion

chapter 2 understanding and communication

are you a master communicator?

why be a master communicator?

how to turn communication into understanding: six questions

the nature and origins of language itself

the communication process

understanding

imitation or matching

in conclusion

chapter 3 the evolutionary patterns

trust and understanding

perception and understanding

the seven evolutionary patterns

matching

in conclusion

part two: the seven patterns

chapter 4 pattern 1: the speed trap

timing: rapid/gradual processor

this micro understanding in detail

how to read these descriptions

the timing connection

improving the timing connection

task and team selection

how to increase your understanding on the timing factor

in conclusion

chapter 5 pattern 2: stretching the point

the emphasis dimension: exaggerators and understaters

this micro understanding in detail

the emphasis connection

benefits and liabilities of emphasis

task and team selection

gender and the emphasis factor

how to increase your understanding on the emphasis factor

in conclusion

chapter 6 pattern 3: the logic loop

the thinking dimension: linear/lateral thinkers

this micro understanding in detail

the thinking connection

team and task selection on the thinking pattern

understanding the thinking pattern

in conclusion

chapter 7 pattern 4: focus hocus-pocus

the focus dimension: detailer/conceptualiser

this micro understanding in detail

the focus connection

improving the focus connection

task and team selection

how to increase your understanding on the focus factor

in conclusion

chapter 8 pattern 5: the blaming game

the evaluation dimension: self-evaluator/other-evaluator

this micro understanding in detail

the evaluation connection

improving the evaluation connection

team and task selection on the evaluation pattern

how to increase understanding of the evaluation pattern

in conclusion

chapter 9 pattern 6: simon says

the relationship dimension: initiator/responder

this micro understanding in detail

relationship dimension differences

the relationship connection

relationship prejudices

improving the relationship connection

team and task selection on the relationship pattern

in conclusion

chapter 10 pattern 7: seeing is believing

the perceptual system: visual, auditory, experiential

this micro understanding in detail

perception dimension differences

the perception connection

improving the perceptual connection

team and task selection on the perception pattern

how to increase your understanding of the perception pattern

in conclusion

part three

chapter 11 comprehensive understanding

being noticed

feedback test

your overall influence profile

the four leadership / management styles

leadership styles summary

mastering your learning style

have you achieved communication mastery?

the whole book in 10 lines

in conclusion

appendix

references

introduction

why is it that we instantly ‘click’ with some people and really get on very well with them? Why, with other people, do we have difficulty in communicating and being understood, or we don’t get on at all?

With a few people (very few) it feels so natural and easy. It’s as if they know us, they accept us, and we feel that we know them and can trust them. We are comfortable.

With others it is more difficult. It always feels a little bit more contrived. We have to work harder at it. Despite our best intentions communication seems flat, or as if there are misunderstandings and conflicts much of the time.

Sometimes too, the very people we understood yesterday, the people we could rely on, suddenly say something that throws us. We get caught off guard. We thought we understood where they were coming from, but now …

With some people the patterns seem to match, communication is successful and we are understood. With other people the patterns don’t connect, communication is disrupted and we are overlooked.

These patterns are real and they are unique for each of us. They have their origins in our evolutionary past, but they shape our communication today.

This book will reveal these evolutionary patterns. It will help you to identify these patterns or dimensions in yourself and enable you to develop your own personal communication profile. This book will also help you to recognise these unique patterns in others and, as a result, you will achieve greater understanding and success when dealing with other people at work and at home. You will attain Mastery over the hidden secrets of successful business and personal relationships. You will have the secret of trust.

The purpose of this book is to help you achieve that level of understanding, the level of Communication Mastery. Trusting others and being understood is simple once we understand the basis of acceptance. The way we talk and communicate is incredibly complicated and full of information. Yet how we say what we want to say is very limited, in contrast to the storehouse of all our knowledge, intent and ideas. It’s like a huge dam or reservoir that holds back the information, and at the wall is a small sluice gate that lets out just a small amount at a time.

When we speak to someone, we understand what we mean to say; yet so often we don’t convey to the other person precisely what we intended. This is because the richness of our thoughts and experiences don’t get conveyed exactly in our words, and because as with most things, we have more than one simple view on the matter. So many of our conversations and discussions with others occur without any conscious thought.

In fact most of our communication happens without us ‘thinking’ about it. This is why so much of our communication fails. Yet the research also suggests that 85 per cent of us believe we are excellent communicators! This book aims to encourage us to really think about our communication, to learn the evolutionary patterns and apply them consciously in our conversations at work and at home.

The book includes selected tests to measure your communication and influence skills. Keep a journal and record your responses and answers to the exercises for future reference. Once you have completed these, you will have a unique and detailed profile of your style of influence — your own leadership map. This book will make you a Master Communicator.

what is a definition of (good) communication?

Communication is being understood. Being understood means being recognised. It means being successful.

This book is written for people who want to be understood. You may be a worker who often feels overlooked or under-recognised. You may work on the shop floor in noisy and uncomfortable conditions, or you may be a manager in an air-conditioned office. You may be in a relationship and feel undervalued sometimes, or consider your point of view is often discounted. You might be a fairly effective communicator now and want to be even better. You may want to improve your communication a little more, or you may even be desperate about being understood. This book is for you.

I expect that once you have read (and practised) the material in this book, you will be more successful at work and at home. I hope you will also get some recognition for who you are now and how hard you have tried.

The book is based upon the extensive research undertaken by my company on influence skills. That work has led to the management tool called the Influence Dimensions that you can learn simply by following this text.

The book is laid out like this:

Chapter 1. How not to be overlooked within four months — discusses the pressure on all of us to be understood and be effective. It describes the major understandings essential for success that underpin the evolutionary patterns that form the basis of all communication.

Chapter 2. Understanding and communication — explores the basis of communication, where you are on the Master Communicator scale, and what to do about it.

Chapter 3. The evolutionary patterns — outlines the framework of effective understanding used in the rest of the book. These seven patterns help us at all levels of our work (and our social life too).

Chapter 4. Pattern 1: The speed trap — too fast or too slow? How we impede our understanding by travelling at the wrong speed.

Chapter 5. Pattern 2: Stretching the point — the tendency for us to exaggerate or understate our message.

Chapter 6. Pattern 3: The logic loop — how our thinking patterns shape our problem solving and presentation.

Chapter 7. Pattern 4: Focus hocus-pocus — describes how we focus on tiny details or the big picture, but rarely both.

Chapter 8. Pattern 5: The blaming game — do we operate from inside or outside ourselves when things go wrong?

Chapter 9. Pattern 6: Simon says — do we take control or do we follow others? How does this improve our effectiveness?

Chapter 10. Pattern 7: Seeing is believing — do we say what we see, or hear what we feel? How our perception influences our communication style and how it affects our understanding of others.

Chapter 11. Comprehensive understanding — recognition, influence and your leadership style.

Good reading and good understanding!

part one

Is it genetic, chemical or psychological? Predetermined or a matter of free will? Where does it come from, this thing called communication? This section sets the scene and also challenges our complacency about communication. The nature of communication around the world reveals we all have remarkably similar patterns in our ways of conversing and attempting to be understood. These patterns are identified in different ways by different observers but they are nonetheless quite evident. Good communication is a complex and high-order skill.

chapter 1

how not to be

overlooked within

four months

What truly matters in our lives is measured through conversation.

Peter Block Stewardship

Eighty per cent of the people who fail at work do so for one reason: they do not relate well to other people.

Robert Bolton People Skills

Words are merely for communication.

Confucius

THE PRESSURE TO BE UNDERSTOOD

Jobs are changing—unpredictably yet regularly and continuously. Your job is not the same as it was four months ago. Jobshift — a significant shift in the nature of the expectations, scope, duties and tasks of a job, or a shift to a completely different job — is increasingly common with significant numbers of experienced managers in America, Singapore, Australia, Malaysia, and Europe reporting jobshift as frequently as four-monthly. Roles and reporting relationships are changed. Responsibilities and accountabilities are shifted. Familiar patterns are disrupted. Such jobshift changes are not initiated by the incumbent but are required by senior management. They are a result of rapidly changing global conditions, customer demands, and poor management practises. Many of these changes are driven by IT developments, but overwhelmingly they occur because of the need for organisations to respond rapidly and flexibly to their customers. These pressures result in restructures, amalgamation, mergers, takeovers and receiverships. You could be out-sourced, outplaced, outmoded or overlooked within the next four months.

Jobs are changing and so too are the rules we use to guide our actions. Measured pace and predictability are gone — forever. To survive now (yes, to survive, let alone succeed) you need to adopt and adapt to a new way of being understood.

The new reality in the face of this pressure is better connection with people. Here’s why: more than ever before managers are being assessed not on their technical skills, but on their ability to connect effectively with others. Managing relationships managing emotions is crucial. The pressure is so great now, so breathless, that clear communication, and reliable understanding is at a premium. Without a solid foundation of trust the momentum of constant change escalates the dilemma.

The evidence from organisations and researchers around the world is that good leadership and management skills are lacking — leadership is lamentable.

Of course in different countries there are different attitudes and values about leadership. Different styles and approaches vary according to the cultural setting. Some organisations provide excellent leadership. They recognise their employees and minimise the effects of jobshift. Unfortunately these examples are very rare. The finance manager in an electronics plant in KL, the HR manager in a global bank in Hong Kong, the programming manager in a US computer company, an operations manager at a mining company in NSW Australia — all say the same kinds of things about their leaders; ‘I am not recognised for the good work that I do’, ‘My boss doesn’t understand’, ‘I am not encouraged to develop.’ Globally, the outcome of poor leadership is the same: lack of understanding.

In a fundamental way we don’t treat people decently at work. We don’t treat our employees as well as we treat our friends. Because we don’t treat people decently we deny their humanity. It is very subtle and certainly not a major mistreatment but it is real nonetheless. This happens because at work we unconsciously stop treating people as humans. We act as if they do not have feelings. We pretend we don’t have feelings. We tend not to have social conversations about work. We treat employees as units of productivity, workers to do our bidding. People are seen as resources, even (or especially) when we call them human resources. We achieve this mild dehumanisation through the way we communicate. We speak at people not dialogue with them. We tell people what to do rather than discuss options. We give facts rather than show feelings. We consider our position is the only correct one and believe that somehow it is also clear to others. We really don’t value difference or diversity. We interact with people but don’t form relationships. Unsurprisingly when we treat people this way they do not feel empowered or motivated. When we deny the humanity of our employees, they have been wronged. Such unconscious and low-level mistreatment is the basis of workplace bullying and harassment not to mention workplace violence. This poor communication also causes people to contribute less, to be less committed and therefore less productive. When we overlook people it costs us money as well.

One thing we know about managers is that they need to protect themselves. One thing we know about employees is that they need to be recognised. This makes for a non-trusting relationship; one with little foundation for understanding.

This lack of understanding is the foundation of Industrial Relations legislation and activity in most countries. Workplace bargaining is really about being understood: it is about trying to settle differences; yet it encourages blaming and dishonesty. The workplace system tends to encourage protection of the managers and reinforces dishonest communication. And within this system are all the natural complexities and confused realities of human communication. How hard it is to be understood; how easy to be overlooked.

Try this small activity. How good do you feel about your workplace? What about those people around you? How do they feel? How honest are you at work? With your closest workmate? With your boss? How much do you complain when you get home? Every day? Twice a week? Once a month?

Make some notes about what this tells you about how important you feel you are at work.

Now make a commitment to change the way you feel. Decide not to be overlooked.

There is nothing worse than being overlooked. This is true at work and in our personal lives. It is five times more negative than direct criticism. It is ten times more demoralising than positive acceptance. The bad feeling lasts and lasts. It eats away at our confidence. It makes you irrelevant. Misunderstandings not only waste time, they can often be dangerous and costly. For example the investigation into the NASA Mars mission lander crash found that the $2 billion craft was destroyed because management overlooked some important advice. Danger signals were communicated badly and were therefore ignored. Similar findings arose out of the Langford gas refinery explosion enquiry in Victoria, Australia.

Being overlooked occurs when we are not understood. Not being understood is uncomfortable for everyone and people want to avoid misunderstandings like they want to avoid a computer virus.

We need to really understand others, in depth, genuinely. Understanding is connection and influence. Understanding is basic human psychology, reading the micro cues of others and responding to them appropriately. It means bringing the reality of the relationship back into work. This requires knowing oneself and others really well.

This book is all about such understanding — understanding oneself and others. Real understanding is needed in order to achieve effective outcomes in this hectic ever-shifting organisational world. There is often talk of people being valued resources, of empowerment and empathy, but it has mostly been discussed at a superficial level. Real understanding is quite rare. Communication is still identified as the biggest single problem in most workplaces. Lost time at work due to misunderstanding is still far too high.

Is communication an issue in your workplace? How do you know? What are the major causes? This book will help you with some ideas about how to improve the communication culture.

The capacity to really connect is quite easily learned. The concentrated use of the communication and connecting techniques in this book will help you go deeper and more successfully into the power of real understanding. Following this guide will ensure that you are truly understood and certainly not overlooked.

Despite the general atmosphere of superficiality about communication there are many good examples of the importance of this capacity to understand and be understood: an airline steward keeps customers entertained with amusing antics as he does the normal boring safety demonstration; a scientist in a large environmental agency takes time to learn and listen to community representatives before going into his speech; a waiter handles a group of noisy inebriated businessmen by being brassy and matey, while simultaneously being quiet and professional with a lone woman guest; a team leader in a car plant acknowledges the extent to which a team member cares about the plant whilst the worker is yelling about the poor conditions.

These are a few simple examples of genuine understanding. It is the understanding that moves the situation forward. The connection that minimises time wasting. Clear communication rapidly solves human problems in the workplace, and doesn’t make them worse.

It is trusting communication.

Openness and honesty are the basic elements of trust. Trust is the cornerstone of effective relationships, especially in leadership and management. Unfortunately even when people are being open the meaning is not always understood. Being honest is only effective if the message is understood clearly. These micro details of communication are the essential elements