Sagittarius After Breaking

By Jack Serv

A story of a first-generation American and the travails of striving to achieve that American dream through Wall Street; it’s a blend of novel, autobiography, philosophical reflection, and social critique. When up-and-coming Wall Streeter Spiro loses his job in a corporate downsizing, he spirals into an ever-deepening depression. Defined by his work, he suddenly realizes he has no real clue who he is outside that work. As Spiro drifts aimlessly, seeking direction and meaning, he tries bartending before leaving New York for Paris and later his ancestral homeland of Greece. It is here, thanks to a grandfatherly old friend, that he discovers his previous efforts were all focused on “doing” rather than “being” and that the true definition of a man is in his accumulated lifetime experiences, not in his job or his salary.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 1, 2013
• ISBN: 9781626754560

Book preview

story.

Part I

I'm crossing the Bowery diagonally heading south to the corner of Bleecker. I'm supposed to meet Dino for a coffee before I take off. He's my second cousin who splits his time between Greece and New York City. He couldn't make it to Greece this year and I just returned. I've been back in the U.S. for a few weeks now and he wanted to catch up and see how my escapade treated me. Dino helped tremendously when times were rough, as did most of my friends. I owed him a chat since I left so abruptly. It's around five in the evening, early October. I feel the autumn creeping its way in. The air cools off drastically once the sun begins its descent. It feels good to be in my old neighborhood. I receive a message on my phone. It was her.

How do I answer this? I have so much to say. This can't be done through texting.

She wants me to wait. She'll be able to talk in a few. I sense a light vertigo, something like when smoking a cigarette after a long period of abstinence. I realize that my heart has been beating quickly. So much for that cool autumn air, I find myself opening up my jacket. I walk west along Bleecker until I get to Lafayette. I linger at the corner and walk back to the subway stop on Bleecker. The masses have begun pouring out of the entrance of the subway. They are free for the remainder of the night. Free to go out, to go in, to work out, not to work out, to have sex, not to have sex, to sleep, to be alone, but overall to just enjoy their time after the confinement of their jobs. I used to be just like that.

Ok, call me.

I begin walking north along Lafayette and as I begin to press the buttons, I notice that my hand is slightly shaking. I haven't heard her voice in three months. What do I say?

Hi, ahhh how, how are you?

I take a right onto Bond Street. I'm attempting to maintain my composure, look like someone who is having a normal conversation on the phone and leisurely walking up the block. It has gotten hotter. I want to take off my jacket but I don't. I keep walking toward the Bowery. She had an aloof and almost professional demeanor, as if I called to speak with a lawyer who knew I was in a lot of trouble.

I'm fine. How are you? How was your trip?

My trip? Is she kidding me? Either this woman is a robot or I'm the fool in this relationship. Six hours ago she told me not to contact her because she couldn't focus at work.

Forget my trip. I want to hear about you and...and hear your voice...I mean, when I was away I couldn't get you out of my head.

I turn right on the Bowery and spot Dino as I pass the café on Bleecker and the Bowery where we were supposed to meet for coffee. I whisper to him, or rather shape out her name with my mouth, and point to the phone. He gets it. I indicate to him about five minutes or so and he nods.

Well, I don't know what to say, Spiro, I...

I'm silent. I turn on to Bleecker and head toward Lafayette but stop in the middle of the block. Listen, Danea, I just want to see you, just a drink, a couple hours of your time.

Spiro, I don't know, I'm very busy. I'm at the train station now. I'm leaving the city, won't be back for a week, then...

I pace back and forth in about a ten foot diameter, trying to maintain composure. Look! Just a drink, coffee, thirty minutes of your time, that's all...

I head towards Lafayette.

Spiro, what do you want? I'm in a good place now. Work is going well. I'm having fun. I'm dating.

Aghhhh, dating? It's been three months and she's dating...she wants me to suffer. I can hear my heart pumping. The amplified sound is in rhythm with every step I make.

Danea...there were weeks when I was haunted by you. You came to me in my dreams for days on end and when I awoke, I was a wretched soul. An insatiable void plagued my soul, the gravity of it--it hurt, it stung, it wouldn't go away, it was like dragging myself through the ground I walked on...

Spiro! What are you talking about? You are the one who left me!

I did leave her. I'm back on Bond now and losing my composure...I...I--you're right...I did...but...

But! But! You used to tell me that you loved me and then you leave, you abandon me just like that?

I was wrong! I shouldn't have.

But you did, Spiro...

I make it back to the Bowery and I see that Dino has left. He got it. This wasn't going to be five minutes. I'm sweating, I feel the moisture from my body seeping into my clothing, my stomach hurts. She's right. In a defeated voice I said, Ahhhhh...those weren't my intentions. I shouldn't have...

But you did, Spiro! You did! You threw me out like a piece of garbage, like a chick you were just fucking, like I was nothing...

Back on Bleecker heading toward Lafayette again, I'm walking amongst people. I'm on this street but psychologically I am very far away. Did I do the right thing by leaving her? Did I do the right thing by contacting her? I just want to lie down on the street and let the cool air do its job; maybe an angel will appear and show me the way or simply remove with a swoop of her wings.

You were not nothing. You were something, something special.

Then why did you leave me just like that? Why?

I didn't want to but I had to. I, I just had to...

Spiro? You, you really hurt me. You see, at first, I thought I was fine. I thought that I was carrying on and functioning normally but I soon realized that I wasn't. I was in severe pain, in some bizarre way I was blocking this pain, which permitted me to go on as if I was fine. It took time to get where I am now, living and working without that pain. Why did you leave me? Why did you hurt me like that? I thought you loved me!

My eyes were swelling. Tears were fighting through to the surface in order to slowly slide down my face. I kept my face down, avoided eye contact with anyone who was around me and murmured into the phone. The guilt was killing me, but I deserved this. She was absolutely right. I missed her so.

I did love you and...I do love you.

Silence.

I was a mess. I was in pieces. I couldn't take it.

I know, Spiro, that the few months before this happened, our relationship wasn't going so well. We barely saw each other, I didn't give you the attention you needed, our sex wasn't as good, as good as it was...

Not your fault. I was depressed.

You love me?

I've never regretted anything in my life but I think that I regret leaving you. It's been burning and stinging within me since I left, and I thought and hoped that after my travels it would have gone away. I didn't realize how much you meant to me and how much love I had for you until I left. But I had to leave, even though it was wrong--you're right, it was wrong, especially the way it happened, but I had to escape and leave the misery I was feeling. You see, I was down, I loathed myself. Do you believe this? I loathed myself! Self-loathing like never before, hated it! I hated my existence.

Spiro...you should have said something. I could have helped. I would have been there for you. You should have said something.

Maybe I should have... I want to see you. When can I see you?

Ok, ok...but we will just see each other--no promises and you cannot contact me during this week and when you contact me after this week it will be sparsely. Do you understand?

Yes. So you're gone this entire week?

Won't be back until the end of the week, then this weekend I have...

I sat down, dejected, on the curb in the middle of the block on Bond, staring at the cobblestone street while she went on and on about how occupied her weeks and weekends were and I reabsorbed my tears and realigned my composure. She would let me know when we would get together and gave me some hope when she said that we would definitely meet in the near future, just not that weekend nor the following week, but sometime in the next month, and she insisted that I absolutely not contact her until the following week. I wiped the sweat from my brow with my jacket sleeve and reached into my jacket pocket for a cigarillo. I lit it up, sucked in a big puff and let the smoke fester in my mouth, letting that sexy, dirty flavor sink into the flesh of my mouth. I pushed the smoke out like a rush of steam that blew out of a release valve into the air above my head. My circumambulations of Bleecker, Lafayette, Bond and Bowery brought me to a realization that I was never like this. I never questioned the choices I made, the path I chose and my reasoning for such moves. I believed in myself. You see, this self-doubt, this lack of self-confidence--it came to existence not too long ago. A couple of winters back it was an entirely different world and my outlook was much, much better...

2.

I was on 6th Avenue, that great Avenue of the Americas in this machine of a city known as New York--what a love I had for this place. It was a Thursday night and I just got out of work and was ready to have some fun. I was employed by one of the most renown and respected financial institutions on the street. I had gotten there without a pedigree; and let me tell you, it was a challenge. God bless my father's stubbornness which was pretty much the only thing that was passed onto me that helped. I worked through school to help with the costs. I had a job at my father's diner for pay and various jobs in the corporate realm for the experience but no pay. After graduation I kept working at the diner until I landed a job in the industry. I was told that once I broke into Wall Street the money could be very good. So I wanted to make money, help my parents out and live well. My first job in the industry was a crap job with grueling hours and low pay. But it didn't matter because hard work and ambition opened many doors. The opportunity eventually came to fruition and I got into the Wall Street I was told about. Now I was meeting very knowledgeable people and learning from them; overall I was advancing. As far as I could tell, the sky was the limit. I'd have that downtown loft and model wife in no time. I was happy and very proud of my nascent career in finance.

It was freezing so I speedily marched to the rendezvous spot, to one of those fancy steak houses in Midtown that all the tourists save their money for in order to blow it on large pieces of meat and where the locals believe that they are getting the best beef on the planet. Overpriced uptightness is all you got, and a Fred Flintstone-sized steak to make every American proud. I was elated to be meeting with three of my friends. I hadn't seen them for about six months. We used to work together. Yeah, we were all part of the wonderful world of Wall Street. This was our Christmas and New Year's celebration; not to mention my birthday which was a couple of weeks earlier but I kept that to myself. At the time it seemed like we were making the right moves. Each of us was on our individual way to becoming a master of the universe.

I checked my coat and flirted with the cute coat check girls. I always fall in love with the staff, and not surprisingly so, because the staff usually are the best looking chicks in a place. I picked up a candy mint, slipped it into my right pants pocket and headed for the bar. Alex showed up--perfect timing because I just ordered a Johnnie Black for him, his classic choice, then a bourbon for myself, perhaps Blanton's. I think I was on a Blanton's kick at the time.

Alex and I were friends for only two years at this point but our bond made it seem as if we were friends for decades. A great deal of this bond was created when we used to commute out of the city for work and obviously back in to get home. During those train rides and the many nights of getting drinks once back in the city, our friendship developed. He had a girlfriend he loved dearly and I had just entered the dreary caverns of protruding shattered glass, which I walked through disjointedly for months--too many months of torment, sometimes acute and sometimes prolonged and dull. I had left Melissa my woman at the time, a miserable and wretched time it was. But once I survived it, and Alex helped me survive it, it was clear to me that I made the right decision. So after many hours, days, weeks and months of discussing relationships, women, strippers, people, terrorism, money, cigars, food and whiskey, Alex and I became great friends. We'd have a tough day at work, run to catch the train, then I would demand silence, we weren't to talk or discuss the day until we arrived at a suitable place in the city to have a whiskey. This became somewhat of a routine: we'd have our liquid diet of whiskey, intoxicate ourselves and eventually, after discussions that left us feeling as if we solved some kind of problem--personal, societal, global--shoot our last drop of whiskey and head our separate drunken ways, only to wake up in a few hours and catch that train back to work. At certain times he'd have to take a break from hanging out because his girlfriend became jealous, naturally. This was the girl he was going to marry so I agreed with her. She did deserve more of his time.

Now back to the restaurant: as I paid, the cougar comfortably seated to my right at the packed bar instigated a conversation. Naturally, I obliged. We chit-chatted about this and that as she sweet-eyed me and pressed her breasts into my arm and chest, as I was jammed in between her and some other chick facing the other way. When she discovered that I was Greek, she ever so subtly rubbed them up and down on me as her smile grew, not to mention what began to grow on me. I told her I was meeting with friends for dinner and had to go soon but perhaps I'd see her later. She liked the idea but wasn't sold on it. There were plenty of other cubs around and some lions that she could rub her tits into. Her attention was immediately grabbed by some dudes standing on the other side of her. I looked at Alex as he raised his eyebrows in amusement, then he told me that Scott and Sebastian had just arrived and he was heading to meet them. So I smiled at her and wished her a good night as I turned away from the bar. I thought to myself, Cougar, tonight is not your lucky night; your hunt needs to continue. I smugly departed and headed toward Alex, whiskey in hand.

I greeted Scott first. He's a bit taller than me and so it happened that his line of breath came down and smacked me right in the nose. I got a good idea of what the night had in store because I smelled it on his breath. Scotty most likely had a bag of blow in his pocket and another one already floating around his brain. Was he going to share was the question but then again he might have finished it already. We do happen to be the selfish, greedy type--come on, we work on Wall Street.

How've you been, Scotty?

Good, Spiro--you? Are you ready to have some fun tonight? It's been too long. This place has delicious steak.

Indeed, Scotty, it has been too long. I'm not really a steak fanatic, but I'm sure it's going to be delicious.

He whispered under his breath, I got some stuff for us.

Really? Good stuff, I hope.

Of course, so where's our table? Where'd Alex and Sebastian go?

Scotty, just follow the pretty lady. I think she's bringing us upstairs.

Sebastian was at the bar getting drinks for Scotty and himself. Alex was casually scanning the crowd.

How have you been, Greek?

Sebastian! How can it be that we work in the same place but never see each other? Yeah, I've been fine; work has been tough but I'm doing well. It's good to see you.

It sure is. Gentlemen, a toast to us: Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and most important of all, here's to making it!

We raised our glasses to Sebastian's toast, while we smirked that smirk of accomplishment and sipped away. Our table was ready in a matter of moments. I'm pretty sure that this hold-over at the bar is by design. Follow the pretty lady, she brings you to the bar, she tells you that the table will be ready momentarily, drinks are bought and once the drinks are in hand, the pretty lady returns and escorts to the table. You see, drinks are the most expensive part of a meal. I suppose Wall Street is not the only source of greed.

As we jostled for seats, our fervent waiter appeared with the food and wine menus. As if he didn't see that we were already armed with our libations of preference, he tried to sell us wine with a cheery smile anyway. We shrugged him off and the conversation fluidly went to meat, the different cuts of beef, different cooking styles, how to share it and of course, the complimentary side dishes. On and on the talk about steak went. The zeal wore me out since I'm not such a steak enthusiast. We finally settled on the pieces of meat we were going to have, how they were to be prepared, and the side dishes that were to accompany these delicious pieces.

Ok, gents! Scott then whispered over very loud restaurant chatter. I've got some great blow on me. Who's first?

Where we can do it? Alex eagerly asked. You see, this was going to be Alex's first time and he appeared more nervous than excited.

Sebastian took over and delegated. There's a bathroom on the bottom floor, not the one we came in, but there's a subterranean level. It's not a single bathroom but there isn't too much traffic. Hit up a stall and you'll be fine.

So who's up? But before Scott could complete his bark, Sebastian was up with the little baggie coyly transferred to him and snugly placed