Miles To Go Before I Sleep

By Jerry McGinley

Accused of an unspeakable crime, respected high school teacher Mike Chadwick retreats to the lonely isolation of the north woods, where he attempts to salvage his career, reputation and sanity. But there is no rest for the weary. Relentless detective, Pat Donegal, locates and questions Chadwick after a series of murders occur in the area. Chadwick believes himself the victim of bad luck, the result of an accusation that was never proved. Detective Donegal believes he is on the trail of a madman.

• Language: English
• Publisher: TheFictionWorks
• Release date: Nov 18, 2010
• ISBN: 9781581243178

Jerry McGinley

Jerry McGinley lives, teaches and writes in Wisconsin. His work includes A Goal for Joaquin, an audio novel published by The Fiction Works; a hard cover novel, Joaquin Strikes Back; and a collection of poetry titled "Waupaca County: 7 a.m."

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McGinley

Prologue

Looking out tonight over this still lake with the full moon shining over the pines, it’s hard to draw the line between the real trees and the reflections of trees. It is nearly impossible to separate reality from illusion. And so it has been with the last several years of my life. I’m no longer certain from one minute to the next what is fiction and what is truth. So many stories and images blur together in patterns that I can’t really focus on clearly. With the lake at least, I can toss out a rock and momentarily shatter the illusion. There are no rocks to throw at the real world. I’m no longer certain about the reality of anything.

A bat swoops inches above the water surface. The mosquitoes in its path are swallowed without ceremony, simple victims of nature’s daily ritual. I’m reminded of a line I heard somewhere. It went something like this: before the bat completes its blind flight, some dreadful deed will be done tonight. It was an odd thing to think of on such a peaceful night. Maybe I am crazy.

Earlier tonight I flipped my line, rigged with a slip bobber and sinker and baited with a live minnow, out in front of a bed of lilies maybe forty feet from the pier. After a few minutes a smallmouth bass, no more than a pound and a half, snatched the bait. I played the fish delicately while it zipped left and right trying to find some structure to snag and hopefully break the line. I let him run. Finally, he broke the surface, did a little tail-dance across the water, and was all played out. I landed the bass, removed the hook from the upper lip, and released it back into the water. The fish had put up a good fight for his size. That’s why the smallmouth bass is so popular; it’s always willing to put up a good fight. I guess I have a lot of respect for its willingness to keep fighting even when he feels the hook snugly fastened to the corner of his mouth. I can identify with that fish. Maybe that’s why I decided not to rebait the line, and sat instead and watched the stars.

I’ve always had a hard time finding the Little Dipper. Maybe it’s because I expect it to be a miniature duplicate of the Big Dipper. I know Polaris, the north star, is at the end of the handle, but I still have a difficult time seeing a dipper up there. Almost straight overhead Hercules chases Draco the dragon but never catches up. In the western sky Jupiter and Mars are just visible above the horizon, but Venus has already dropped from sight. I miss her, and I miss Orion who hasn’t yet thrown his leg up over the horizon and crawled up the southern sky. I understand why ancient sailors who spent many months at sea became so fascinated by the stars. They make interesting companions when you’re alone most of the time. I remember Macbeth asking the fiery stars to hide the black desires of his soul. I like that line for some reason.

The night sky, of course, is much easier to study when you’re away from city lights as I am now. Up until a few years ago, the stars and planets held little interest for me. Things have changed.

So as I sit here a hundred miles from nowhere, clouds are moving in from the west. I can tell because the stars are disappearing from the black sky as if some huge invisible bat were swooping across the darkness gulping mouthfuls of flickering mosquitoes. The wind stirs the leaves on the poplar trees hanging over the edge of the lake. I realize I have rehashed these events enough for tonight. I want desperately to claim control of my existence, but there are still too many things I don’t understand. Someday maybe I’ll understand what really happened and perhaps even why it happened. Perhaps this box full of tape-recordings holds the answer to the mysteries that have been haunting me. Things have started to get clearer these past few weeks, but I still have a long way to go.

Tomorrow the sun will rise again, and I’ll be out on the lake in my canoe again. I’ll watch the eastern horizon give birth to another day, and I’ll stand up and shake my fist at the sun and holler at the cruel gods who have led me through this horrible journey, Why do you torture me? What have I done to deserve this?

But like always there’ll be no answer, so I’ll continue. Please, let this new day give me a chance to outdistance the darkness. Keep away your black demons. I’m tired of this venom pulsing through my veins. I’ve seen the long black shadows stretching across my path. I’ve felt the cold night air in my face and have heard the wild midnight calls of coyotes and owls. I’ve experienced all of the cruel mysteries of the darkening woods, and I’m ready to find a new way in life. Call off the savage three-headed monsters that hound my every thought and action. Let this new day provide a fresh start for me!

Session 1

I was asked to make a record of the things that have happened to me over the past couple of years. I’m not exactly sure who wants these tapes or why they want them, but I’ll try to make them accurate and complete. I suppose the Grateful Dead summed it up best when they sang, What a long, strange trip it’s been.

I don’t know if I can tell you more than that if I talk nonstop for two years. A lot has happened, and I certainly don’t pretend to understand it all. Confusion is the first word that comes to mind when I look back. I hope my stories will make sense. I’ll tell them as honestly as I can. I’ll also try to tell them in the same frame of mind as I was in when they happened. At this point there is no clear order in my head for narrating these events. I’ll take one session at a time, let the words come as they will, and hope they stick to this magnetic recording tape in some fashion that will make sense. I don’t even know why I’ve been asked to record these sessions. Some of the people here treat me like some kind madman. I can tell by the way they watch me that they think I’m ready to bite open their throats or gouge out their eyeballs or something. I think they watch too many horror movies.

Let me start with something that happened during my second week at the cabin on Raven Lake in northern Wisconsin. I was still trying to adjust to the harshness of January in a primitive cabin miles from civilization. I was cold all the time. I wasn’t eating, and I had trouble sleeping at night.

What rest I did get was during the day, sitting mindlessly in front of the television, dozing off and waking up without much distinction between the two levels of consciousness. I had difficulty distinguishing my dreams from what was really happening. I was totally out of focus. This might sound crazy, but during this period in my life I really believe I heard voices in the cabin. I’d be lying on the couch not really sleeping and not really awake and somebody or something would speak out loud. I can’t remember the actual words spoken, but I know I heard them. It had been many years since I’d heard those voices. I thought I’d gotten rid of them when I was a kid.

There are times when I think this next section is only part of one of my crazy dreams. Unfortunately, it is a nightmare that won’t go away. I was lying huddled on my couch one day; it may have been morning and it may have been evening. I honestly don’t know. I was awakened by a loud pounding on the back door. It took me several minutes to wake up enough to stagger to the door. I don’t remember how everything happened exactly, but somehow there were two deputies from the Lake County sheriff’s department standing in my cabin. I was sitting on the couch, and they were standing over me asking questions.

Are you Mike Chadwick? One of them asked. He had a fat, puffy face and smelled like stale cigar smoke.

That’s right. Have I done something wrong? I just moved in a couple weeks ago. I’ve got permission to be staying here.

We’re not here for that. We’re here to ask you about Kelly Corona.

Listen, I’ve already been through this drill already. I’m up here because of Kelly Corona. Her accusation was complete bullshit, but fighting it seemed futile. Now I think I’ve paid more than a fair price for being stupid enough to be in a room alone with a student. I lost my job, my reputation, everything. Why don’t you leave it at that? I couldn’t believe this was being dragged out again.

That’s not why we’re here. This time it was the other cop who spoke. We want to find out what you know about Kelly’s whereabouts. If you’re smart, you’ll cooperate.

I was dumbfounded. What was this all about? I don’t know that you’re talking about, I stammered. What do you mean her whereabouts? Isn’t she back in her big house on Lake Michigan?

Don’t play stupid. Cigar breath continued. A week after all the trouble you caused at North Bay, you disappear into the wilderness. A few days later the student you attacked disappears too. Does that sound like a coincidence to you?

I don’t know what you’re saying. Is Kelly gone?

Yeah, Kelly’s gone. Does that surprise you? I remember the fat cop jabbing his finger into my chest. Now why don’t you wise up and tell us where she is?

Listen, I’ve hardly been out of this cabin since I got here. I have no telephone, no mail, I don’t know anything about Kelly disappearing. Could you just tell me what happened? In spite of what went on, I still care about the kid. I’d like to hear about it.

Okay, let’s play your way, the fat finger jabber said. We’ll start all over and give you all we have. Then you can be a good guy and tell us all you know. Then we can go home. How’s that sound? His sarcasm was thick enough to hold in your hand.

Sounds good, I mumbled. I wondered how they ever found me here. Did my friend Kathy tell them? She was the only one who knew.

So here’s the story, as much as we know. I’ll start and then you can fill in the blanks. How’s that? He didn’t wait for a reply. Couple of days after you left town, Kelly takes off for school as usual. Only she never makes it there. Nobody suspects anything until evening when she doesn’t come home from school. After a couple hours her mother calls one of her friends, and the friend tells her that Kelly never came to school. A few more phone calls and it becomes evident that nobody knows where Kelly went. After all that’s happened, her family becomes concerned. They call the police who make some routine checks. They go to your place to talk to you, but find out you’ve moved out of your apartment. They start a major search of the area but can’t find any trail. Not one lead. The fat cop paused, expecting me to say something. I didn’t, so he continued.

Naturally, the police want to talk to you. But it takes some time to figure out where you went. Everybody in town’s upset about the disappearance. So we’re sent up here to see what you know. Now it’s your turn. What can you tell us, Chadwick?

I can’t tell you anything. I have no clue as to what’s going on. I feel bad if something’s happened to Kelly, but I can assure you, I don’t know anything. A hundred things were running through my mind.

Well, I’ll level with you, people have talked about the possibility that you might have wanted to get even with Kelly for filing that complaint. Doesn’t sound like the craziest idea, you know. Others have suggested that maybe she got scared and ran away. One of her friends, a girl named Abby, I think, even hinted at the idea that maybe she left with you. Said you two were pretty close before the trouble in your classroom.

Well, you’re free to look around. If she’s hiding here, it wouldn’t take long to find her. Only have two rooms. And if you really want to play detective, why not check for footprints in the snow. If Kelly’s been here, there should be tracks other than mine around the cabin.

We thought of that, Mike. We didn’t see any sign of more than one person being here. But we want you to try to think of anything that might help us. That is if you really want us to find her.

I’ll do what I can.

Then I remembered some talks we’d had in class about choices and alternatives. I clearly remembered one discussion about running away when problems got totally out of control. I explained this to the officers. They seemed interested. I also told them that she had talked to me once about a friend of hers who got depressed and thought about suicide. I told them that I had guessed the friend was really Kelly herself. I said I hated to think that was a possible explanation, but I felt it was something that should be checked out. They assured me they’d look into it. I had a feeling they didn’t believe one word that I said.

I again offered to let them search the place. They looked around briefly but said they’d rather wait and get a warrant and make a thorough search if it became necessary. I felt pretty certain such a search was in my future.

One of the deputies explained that they were just asking questions and had to explore every possible lead. After a few more minutes of questions, they left. I was devastated. When would this all end, I wondered. First, I lose my job and then I’m the suspect in the disappearance of a teenage girl. How much worse could things get?

After the deputies left, a sat for a while and tried to sort things out. When I realized I wasn’t going to find a shred of sense in what happened, I got out a full bottle of rum and started to drink. I think I finished the bottle, but by the end of it I was in no condition to remember anything for sure. I do remember deciding to drive to town for something. I must have had trouble starting the car or something and somehow fell asleep sitting behind the wheel. Evidently, I must have been smoking a cigarette because when I woke up the interior of the car was on fire and filled with smoke. It’s amazing I woke up before I died of smoke inhalation. Somehow I managed to get out and throw enough snow on the smoldering seats to extinguish the flames. Unfortunately, the whole inside of the car was destroyed. Maybe I’d have been better off if I hadn’t woke up.

I never did file a claim with the insurance company. I guess there were more pressing things on my mind. Eventually, I had the car hauled off to the junk yard and bought a Toyota truck to replace it. It’s obvious I wasn’t thinking real clearly during this period, but with all that was going on, I guess that was understandable.

It was sometime after these visits that I started having a recurring dream. The details of this dream are hazy, but I can recall images of Kelly breaking through ice on a lake and I’m trying to rescue her. I can almost feel the icy water as I reach down to pull her out. The dream always ends before I find out if she’s saved or not. I suppose that reflects real life.

I’m sure this topic will come up again in these sessions, but for now that is all I want to say.

Session 2

Today I’ll go back to the beginning, back to my last day as a teacher. I was still trying to decide what to do when I approached the front door of the school that day. I was ready for an unpleasant scene, but I wasn’t even remotely prepared for the ordeal that awaited me inside the door. As I entered the building, my principal Ed Morgan bolted through the office door. The district superintendent and the school board president followed him like German shepherd guard dogs.

Ed Morgan caught me by the arm and said in a quiet voice, Mike, can we see you in my office. It’s pretty urgent. Except for that terse announcement, nothing else was said as we walked through the main lobby to Morgan’s office. All three faces looked grave. I knew whatever they wanted to see me about was not good. It crossed my mind that maybe something had happened to one of our students over night, but I didn’t know why I’d be singled out to be told the news. I guess in the back of my mind I figured it involved Kelly Corona and the incident the previous day. I tried to push those thoughts away. Maybe it was something else.

Once inside the office with the door closed, Superintendent Hawley took the lead. Mike, I imagine you know why you’ve been called in here.

Actually, no. I don’t have any idea why I’m here. I said as I sat down at the conference table. I remembered a story I read once about a man who woke up one morning and found he had changed into a cockroach. That is the way I felt. I guess it has to do with one of my students, but . . .

You have a student named Kelly Corona, Mr. Chadwick? Myron Landers, the school board president, cut in before I could finish my sentence. Is that correct? You do know this student?

Yes, Kelly’s in my class. I spoke in staccato syllables, bracing myself for bad news. Morgan and Landers sat down across from me.

And did you meet with this student in your room after school yesterday? Hawley asked. He remained standing. I guessed he wanted to make it clear that he was in charge. Was she still in your classroom after all other students had left?

Well, I didn’t exactly meet her there. She stayed after school to work on one of my computers. She did it fairly often. A lot of kids stay after school to work on projects or just surf the Internet. But I’m not sure what you’re after here. I assume Kelly made some sort of statement about being caught looking at the final exam last night, but I don’t know why you’re asking all these questions. Did something happen after she left school?

Mike, I’m not going to play games with you. We had a complaint filed with the Board of Education last night. Ed Morgan spoke slowly. There was a slight quiver in his voice. Francis Corona has accused you of assaulting his daughter.

I was stunned. I felt like I’d been hit in the face with a two by four. What? Is this a joke? I never did anything. If anything, she was . . . I stopped myself in mid-sentence. I stood up and walked over to the window. Students were getting off buses and moving toward the school as if it were an ordinary day. I tried to collect my thoughts. Ed, we been working together for thirteen or fourteen years. You can’t believe I’d try something with a student. Christ, Kelly’s not even half my age. This is ridiculous.

According to Corona, Hawley, who was younger than I was and new in the district that year, continued his interrogation as if I hadn’t even spoken. According to the complaint, Kelly was in your classroom after four o’clock last night. She asked you some questions about the final exam, and you told her that you knew of a way that she could get an A on the exam without even taking it. When she told you she didn’t understand what you meant, she claims you put both of your hands on her shoulders and pinned her against the wall with your body. You told her she could either take the test right there or she could meet you later at your apartment. When she told you she wasn’t interested, according to the complaint, you started kissing her and ran your hands across her body. You tried to remove her blouse, but she fought back. At that point she claims she got away and ran out the door.

That’s crazy! She made up that story because I caught her taking a copy of the test out of my filing cabinet. I’d been called to the office to meet with a parent, but it was a mistake so I returned to the room sooner than she expected. I caught her red-handed. I was walking around the office now, slamming my fist into the palm of my hand.

So did you report this incident with the test to anyone? Landers asked.

No, I didn’t say anything to anyone. It just happened last night, and I haven’t talked to anyone. I try to handle that kind of thing myself.

Doesn’t sound like you handled it very well to me. Landers rolled eyes and sat back in his chair.

Listen, I repeated, I have absolutely no physical interest in Kelly Corona, and I certainly didn’t attack her or ask her to come to my apartment. I sat down and banged my hands against the table. I was starting to feel a head rush like the flashing lights aura that precedes the migraine headaches I often get. I ran my hands along the side of my head. Damn, I should have known better than leave myself wide open for this. You just don’t expect something like this from a top student in the school. It’s a lie. It’s all a lie.

I sure hope you’re right because Francis Corona says he’s coming after this school system with both barrels blazing. Says he’s gonna close this district down if we don’t take action right away. And with a thirty million dollar referendum coming before the taxpayers for a new middle school, the last thing we need is a lot of bad publicity right now. Myron Landers looked at Superintendent Hawley as he spoke.

So you’re willing to hang me just to protect your referendum. Is that it? Well, let me tell you if it weren’t for Francis Corona putting so damn much pressure on his daughter to get perfect grades in school, then she’d never have tried to steal the final exam. He’s the one that should be called on the carpet. I stood up and started to pace again. I was trying to think of a way to convince these men that I was telling the truth. Why don’t we bring the girl in and ask her directly. I don’t think she’d lie if she was confronted directly.

Well, it may come to that if this gets to court. Mark Hawley spoke matter-of-factly. But I’d like to straighten this out before it goes that far. Now Ed here says he talked to one of the janitors who claims he saw a girl run out of your classroom last night. Says she was crying, and you came out after her and told her to come back to talk something over. He also said he’s seen her leave your room several other nights long after your other students have left. How do you respond to that?

Be careful, Mike. This doesn’t sound very good, Ed Morgan said slowly.

Hey, I told you, I walked into my room after meeting with some parents and saw Kelly taking something from my cabinet. I knew she’d been having some problems, so I didn’t want to scare her by yelling. I waited for her to explain, but instead she ran out of the room. Sure, I called to her to come back and discuss the situation.

But you didn’t report this to any of your colleagues or to anyone in the office? said Hawley.

No, like I said, nobody was around and I really thought it was something best settled without involving anyone else. You know how something like that spreads. I guess it was a mistake to try to save a kid’s reputation. But nothing else happened. I swear it didn’t.

Would have made things a lot easier if you would’ve said something to somebody. Ed Morgan sounded sympathetic. Try to think. Was there anybody around who might have seen or heard what went on? Another teacher or a student, anybody that could help us straighten this out?

No, I didn’t notice anybody except for Dick O’Brien, the janitor. I sat down and clenched my fists in front of my face. I realized from the tone of Ed’s voice that the situation was severe. Who could have predicted this?

Dick O’Brien also says he saw you and the Corona girl leaving together in your car one night after school. What do you say about that? Is he making that up, or did it happen? Hawley looked like a cat ready to pounce on a chipmunk.

That’s true. I did give Kelly a ride home one day. But that’s all it was—a ride.

Anybody at her house see you drop her off? Ed Morgan sounded concerned.

No, well actually I dropped her off at a restaurant down town. She was meeting some friends. I don’t know if anybody saw me drop her off. Nothing went on.

Well, we’re just trying to piece everything together, Mike, said Ed.

Corona is calling for your immediate dismissal. Says if you’re out of this school in twenty-four hours and out of town in a week, the case will be closed. Otherwise, he’s planning to start work on a lawsuit against the school district. Also says he’ll file a criminal complaint against you. We’re in a tight spot here, Mike. Mark Hawley looked me straight in the eye as he spoke.

We thought if you were willing to resign before any legal action was taken, then nothing would have to be mentioned about this in your files. We’re willing to give you a strong recommendation. We want to be fair with you. It was Myron Landers who floated the offer. It seemed almost like a plea. I couldn’t believe what he was suggesting.

You expect me to quit my job after all these years without even telling my side of the story? I slammed my hand against the table. This is horseshit! I didn’t do anything wrong. Let’s get a lie detector in here and find who’s lying. I’m willing to do it right now.

Well, lie detectors don’t do much good in a court of law. Ed said.

"Oh, this is insane. I’m not going to quit my job in disgrace just because some stressed-out teenager makes up a ridiculous story about me. No way,