Sin and The Art of Surfing

By Tammy Lynn Kolins

Not a surfer, not a problem. Sin and The Art of Surfing is a book that takes you on a revealing journey of empowerment, exploration and self-discovery. Readers will bask in the glory of sun, surf and sex on this amazing ride. Sin is a revelation that women can look forward to.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 9, 2012
• ISBN: 9781620950043

Book preview

life.

Chapter one/fourth

God Only Knows

Beach Boys

CANCER.

Sunny sat in front of Kate in disbelief. She was paralyzed. What could she say to her best friend? She wanted to cry, scream or do something that would express her emotion, but she was too stunned and too numb to even move. Sunny felt the color drain out of her face. She should go to Kate. Hug her. Lend her support. Be there for her. Sunny didn’t know if she knew what to say. And if she knew what to say, would it be the right thing? What was the right thing?

This was too awful and too sensitive and too life altering to say anything. But she had to. Kate was looking at her, searching, needing and wanting Sunny to do more than just be there. Sunny was rarely at a loss for words. But words weren’t the issue here. Words would sound empty, cliché, pointless.

Sunny looked around the restaurant. The noise level was high. People were buzzing in conversation, eating and drinking with fervor. Sunny felt removed, almost like an out of body experience. Her head was its own entity, it was thinking, planning, searching every recess for the answer. While her body was an island floating separately away, it somehow remained anchored to the earth in the chair, as Sunny drifted aimlessly, flailing miserably for some sort of life preserver to save them all.

Why did Kate bring her here? Everyone was just going about their merry little way like everything was status quo. Didn’t they know? Didn’t they have any common decency to, oh my gosh, she was flipping out! She couldn’t do that now! Kate needed her. Her husband was dying.

Chapter one/half

It’s a Beautiful Day

Beach Boys

2 Years Later

Life was good. No. Life was great. Life just didn’t get much better than this. She had done it, hadn’t she? Sunny had it all. She was one of the lucky ones. She gazed out toward her garden and took a sip of her tea. It was a glorious morning. The sun was shining injecting Sunny with its energizing rays. Sunshine had a way of making her feel happy, almost euphoric. Sunny took a slow sip of her tea savoring the moment. She lazily scanned the landscape.

Almost startling to her daze were the flowers. They were breathtaking in full bloom commanding attention with their brilliant colors and lush greenery bounding about. Sunny’s mind wandered to her husband, Richard, of twenty five years who was incredibly handsome, desirably sexy and still rocked her world. He could still make her heart skip a beat when he smiled at her as he walked into a room. They were a team, partners and best friends. It was the kind of marriage—well, it was the way marriage was supposed to be. It worked. They worked to make it work, plain and simple.

Sunny thought about their beautiful children, adults now. Sunny felt like she could burst with all the love she felt for her family. They were a very together family—fortunate in today’s world. Yesterday had been a testament to their parenting. Jack, their oldest, had graduated from USC, magna cum laude. They had thrown a fabulous party for him right there in the backyard. All their family and closest friends had attended the special celebration. Their home was alive with all the love, laughter and joy that circulated throughout. Sunny felt the lingering grin on her face and her pride swelled all over again at the memory. Jack was attending law school at USC in the fall.  He loved the school and Sunny secretly thought maybe he liked being near home. Jack idolized his father. They were so close.

Jenna, their youngest, had been radiant at the party. Jenna was the twinkle in her father’s eye. She had a few years of college left, maybe more, since she had confided in Sunny that she had decided to pursue a career in child psychology. She sure had grown up over the past year. She had recently moved out of the house. Sunny thought she would be devastated and lonely with Jack and Jenna both gone. But Sunny hadn’t felt the effects of empty nest syndrome yet, as she had been so busy planning Jack’s graduation party and getting the house ready for it.

The house was quiet now. It was almost 8:00 a.m. Richard had left for work early again. Sometimes he seemed to work nonstop. It was the nature of finance, she guessed. And of course, there were no kids sleeping in or the sounds of anyone else moving around the house. Sunny clad only in her silky thigh high kimono, opened the patio door to let in some sound from the outside. Noise could be comforting. At least the birds were chirping away and the sprinklers had gone on. She liked the smell of the cool water, especially on freshly cut grass. She stepped outside onto her patio for a moment and inhaled the fragrance of the water jetting out across the yard. The coolness was rejuvenating.

Sunny sat down on one of the patio chairs carefully adjusting the robe around her thighs. The smoothness of the fabric felt luxurious against her skin making her feel sexy. Sunny grinned in that provocative way and took another sip of her tea. Richard still found her irresistible. Who says marriages have to get boring?

Her attention wondered to what she would do now. It was summer, technically in another couple of weeks, and she was totally free. Free to do whatever she wanted to do. She wondered if she would like to get a job. What kind of work would she do? It was sort of an exciting prospect, but it also made her a little nervous just thinking about it. She was so used to her routine. She liked the way things were. Everything would have to change, if she got a job. What would she do all day if she didn’t work?  Hmmm, she said out loud, contemplating her options. She didn’t think she would be able to do this day after day. The quiet was nice, at least for the moment.

It was the first time in her entire life that she was in her home alone. It was somewhat frightening if she let herself dwell on that concept for any length of time.

She looked all around her. It was beautiful. The day was perfect. She was so, so happy. Is it a sin to be this happy? Sunny contemplated, but dismissed the thought immediately. She wasn’t even religious, spiritual, yes, and she certainly wasn’t superstitious either.  On the contrary, everyone should be this happy. It just seemed natural.

Sunny took a big gulp of her tea. Now that was really refreshing. Life should always be this way.

Chapter one

Why Do Fools Fall in Love

Beach Boys

Has-been. That’s what Sunny said to herself. That’s what she was. Wasn’t she? Has been here, has been there, has been married, has been a mother, has been young, has been attractive, has been fun, has been happy, now has been divorced—almost. That was coming.

When would she be happy again? Inside? In her being? In her soul? She felt like her insides were being ripped out. Would she ever feel normal again? Maybe she should never feel normal again. Like things were going okay because then she would trust again and look where that had gotten her.

Here.

Here in misery land. If she had been living in the present instead of some faraway fantasy land where complete degenerates live like Barbie and Ken, she would have been aware of what was happening on earth, in her own life with her husband and maybe been able to fix it or stop it. Not paying attention was what got her into this mess, this ‘has-been’ situation she was currently in.

Sunny couldn’t believe it. Her head was just not going there…except it seemed to be circling around the same, ridiculous reality. Her husband had left her. It was incomprehensible. Just yesterday, no just a few days ago…Sunny shook her head hard to try to clear it. She groped, realizing that she didn’t know how many days had passed. Anyway, she was thinking about how perfect her life was. She had jinxed everything!

Otherwise, how could this happen to her? Sunny? Solid as a rock, Sunny. Dependable Sunny. Always there, Sunny. Always happy, Sunny. Her head was spinning. Her heart was broken. Her life was torn to shreds. Her former life didn’t exist anymore. Was it even her life? Maybe this was all a dream. Maybe, maybe, maybe! She didn’t even remember her former life any longer, with all the pain and confusion of not having it any more. She was lost.

Sunny was alone now. Really alone. Her kids were gone, living their own life. Her husband was gone living his new life with a new woman. Actually she was gone too, at least the Sunny she once knew. How did this all happen? When did this all happen? Her mind was screaming or was that her? Sunny couldn’t tell where the sound was coming from. She needed quiet. Was there such a thing now?

Another worry popped into, no invaded, her already crowded mind. It jolted her to the very core of her marrow. Her kids. Jack and Jenna. How was she going to face her kids? Her mind jumped to tonight. Kate. How would she face Kate? The girls? How could she tell any of them? How could she admit she had no idea why this happened? How could she have not seen this coming before he dropped his drawers for some other woman?

They would think she was a dimwit. Wow! She really was the stereotypical airhead blonde. Some called Sunny an idealist, but she knew it was actually called stupidity.

Kate her best friend. The girls. Her dearest and closest friends. They were all suppose to get together tonight for one of their Girls Nights In. How could she tell them? She could hardly admit her situation to herself, let alone say it out loud. Maybe she wouldn’t go. They probably wouldn’t miss her. She really needed a good laugh right now and a friendly face. A smile would probably do it. A hug would probably cause an instant melt-down. She needed them now. They were more than just really fun girls…they were her life line, especially now.

She used to be a really fun girl too…at least that was how Richard used to feel about her. He used to say, Sunny, you’re the light in my days and the laughter in my life. You make life fun. I could never live without my Sun.

What a load of crap! And she believed him. She never doubted that he loved her with all his heart. How could she have been so wrong? Richard. If only she had known that he had really been a Dick hiding underneath a Richard’s clothing.

***

Sunny now lived in a house that was no longer her home. She dragged herself around her house all day. She felt tired and shackled, moving slowly through her house not knowing what to do next. The house was so quiet, too quiet. It was suffocating. Sunny shivered underneath her bulky chenille robe. The house was warm, she knew, but she was ice cold. She looked down at herself rather amazed at how fast a person could deteriorate into the bag lady look. Her freezing hands shook as she jammed them into her pockets. Sunny felt a sharp edge. She pulled a potato chip out of her pocket and ate it. This was her sick robe. It looked sick too with all the stains and wrinkles she had managed to imbed into its thick matting. She lost count of how many days she had worn it.

Sunny stood in her great room which had the kitchen, dining area and family room all in one big open airy room. They had knocked down several walls to achieve the united space. Richard and Sunny felt separate living rooms and family rooms were a waste when everyone always ended up in the kitchen and wherever the TV was. Furthermore, alienating the one who was doing the food preparation and cooking seemed like an odd punishment, considering eating was the most coveted of all human necessities. The remodel was a great success both for the family and entertaining. Since Sunny spent a lot of time in the kitchen, she could still remain part of the party, not to mention, she could recruit help for the kitchen much easier when everyone was in the same room. Her kids had loved that convenience in a bittersweet sort of way. They reluctantly did learn to cook though.

She looked around at her spacious surroundings with every inch detailed and decorated to perfection. The beautifully handcrafted entertainment center sprawled the width of one entire wall housing Richard’s prized electronics—which Sunny could have cared less about, except they made Richard happy. The overstuffed couches and furniture were a relaxing refuge gathered around a large square rustic coffee table with two ottomans pulled up next to it for added seating and leg relief. They had enjoyed many a meals, games, puzzles and light weight homework at that center table. A woven area rug added a splash of color to the light wooden planked floors. To set off the room, a large textured stone fireplace proudly showed off its prominence among the walls that were draped with family photos and hand painted pastels done by Sunny herself.

They had spent countless family nights together cozied up in this room rocking babies to sleep, stroking feverish foreheads, watching movies, eating popcorn and laughing hysterically. Sunny fought back the images of the glorious evenings she and Richard had spent making love in front of the fireplace on chilly winter evenings and hot summer nights. The nostalgia and memorabilia were enough to strangle her to death. Sunny felt like she could hardly breathe. Tears easily slipped down her cheeks in a hot flushed heat.

Sunny had once cherished her home. It was comfortable, friendly and inviting. She wanted it to beckon to guests to come in and stay a while, with the you’re always welcome here warmth. Her eclectic style had proved to be just that. She and Richard, her husband of almost twenty five years, had countless friends and family dropping by consistently through all the years they had lived there. Twenty to be exact. They had bought this house when Jack, their first child, had just turned two. It had been a major milestone for them. They had been afraid that they had gone way over their budget, but both of them had fallen in love with the homey Mediterranean style.

She had spent years antiquing, perusing garage sales, studying decorating magazines and watching countless interior design shows. She had tried to make every corner of the house special and unique. She didn’t want someone to walk into her home and say, Oh, I saw that at Pottery Barn. She took her time to make their home reflect the personalities of each one of their family members. Their house was the home of a family and it should look that way. Sunny lovingly filled her home with her heart and soul. It was her very own interpretation of original art, her masterpiece.

Tonight was one of her frequent Girls Nights In evenings. The girls had been meeting for twenty years or so about once a month. Not everyone had been there from the beginning. In fact a lot of the original members didn’t come any longer. The group expanded and retracted from year to year. Some daughters came instead of mothers, friends of friends invited other friends, but all in all everyone seemed to be of like kind as far as being a generally respectable and responsible person. Don’t get the idea they were a boring collection of a generic nature. Not by a long shot. Each woman brought her own unique quality, crazy personality, distinct style, a level of intellect and sophistication, along with the required food and wine to the group. They were like a collage of women, blending together well enough to create a flowing pattern, yet different enough to create an intensely interesting palette.

Sunny and her friends called their parties the chat and chow sessions. They consisted of the usual giggle-fest, drinking wine, munching on low-fat, healthy snacks and talking their faces off. There was never any idle gossip, just constructive critiquing and always helpful hints towards one living a more conscious life. AKA doing it the way we think you should be doing it! Sunny would have to say for a bunch of women ranging in ages from twenty to seventy, they all were pretty consistent on their ideals for living a generous lifestyle.

Today had not been a good day for Sunny to say the very least. A terrible day summed it up best. She had known for a week that Richard had left her. Why it had hit her the hardest today, was a mystery. A delayed reaction, she guessed. She had probably been in shock and it was wearing off. The underbelly of reality was rearing its ugly head, the veil of denial was slipping off and she was its intended victim in view. How moronic was that?

It was simple. Sunny was insane. She should just bury herself in self- pity and complete, utter denial until Richard came back to her. Yeah, that was what she should do. Okay, get a grip, Sunny.  She was starting to scare herself. Other women went through this and worse. When her best friend, Kate, lost her husband Tom to cancer a couple years ago, Kate hadn’t disappeared into some dark hole. She cried and went back to work. Sunny could be that person too…brave, sensible, strong…maybe. She would have to think about it a little longer.

She did need an adjustment, an attitude one. She had better get out of her house, if she hoped for that to happen. Then again Sunny was doubtful that she should go out with her not-so-nice temperament. Frankly, she wanted to kill someone, namely her husband, correction, former husband-to-be. She would never actually consider doing it, but it would feel good to stick a knife through his heart so he could feel the pain she felt.

In reality, Sunny could not imagine jeopardizing her freedom for that scumbag, like so many lovelorn murderers you saw on Court TV did. Why should she ruin her life for him? Life in prison didn’t appeal to her on any level, even the revenge one. Besides, if anyone should go away for a very long time it was most certainly Richard. He had murdered his family in a rhetorical sense.

Richard would be sorry for leaving her. Sunny knew. Furthermore, she didn’t know how he would ever find anything without her. He was constantly misplacing things, lately she was the one he had lost. Sunny was sure that he’d come crawling back. She convinced herself that she would not be waiting for him with open arms. Moreover, she would not be taking him back. She would show him. He would have to live without her and his beloved Chocolate Chip Zucchini Bread. It was an odd thing to love, the zucchini bread not her, but that was Richard, the health nut.

The day was getting late. After spending much of the afternoon contemplating her options for the evening of wallowing in self-pity or getting drunk with the girls, Sunny chose the latter. She usually didn’t like to drink too much, but tonight might have to be an exception. So it was decided. It was time for Sunny to take a big girl step and go to tonight’s Girls Night shindig and face her friends. Putting it off was not going to make it any easier or make it go away. Sunny wanted to be matter-of-fact and unemotional in her delivery of the news. The girls were used to her being able to handle things. She hoped she could pull it off. In fact she was sure that she could. She was strong and capable. Richard was not in charge of her. He would not control her. She would be in control of her emotions.

It took all of a few seconds before a smidgen of doubt seeped into her false bravado. Her emotional balance was like a teeter tooter, back and forth, back and forth. She must not let that happen. Steady, girl. Brushing her hair out of her eyes, Sunny stood up straight and erect, puffing out her chest like a soldier going into battle. That felt better. Sunny took an assessment of herself in the mirror. Yes, she did look like a woman who could conduct her business. Well, all accept for her vivid red, blood shot eyes and extremely rosy cheeks. But she could fix that with a little make-up magic. She would not let Richard break her down. Well, not more than he already had.

Sunny prepared herself mentally over the next hour. She loosely constructed a speech in her mind that she rehearsed. She didn’t want to break down sobbing in the middle of telling the girls what a dick Richard was. It really all amounted to that. They always say men think with their penises and here’s a man actually named for it. How Sunny didn’t see the dick for his stick long before he actually pulled it out somewhere else was beyond her. Again, she was so, so-- trusting. Better known as gullible or better yet, plain ol’ dumb—Sunny was into self flagellation these days.

Sunny practiced her speech at least twenty five times before she could get the whole story out without blubbering. She tried to distract herself by turning on the TV. Of course, watching that didn’t help much since the show had a couple on whose husband was having an affair with the wife’s best friend. Sunny found a new form of rage. Her fury escalated with every confession the husband made to the millions of at home viewers. The wife was obviously humiliated. The husband sat there with a look of bewilderment, like he was a stallion with no control, so who could blame him? Was this how Richard felt? How would she know? He hadn’t spoken to her in over a week, except for those two and a half precious words. I’m leaving. She could still hear the echo from the earth crashing in around her upon their impact.

Sunny pulled herself together. And alas, the timing couldn’t be better, as it was only a little over an hour before she needed to get going.  She felt a flutter of nerves. She never would have imagined this could have happened to her.

Maybe this was a dream. She was pretty sure it wasn’t. If it was, she wished she’d wake up. She walked into the kitchen for a glass of water. She thought drinking water would tell her if she were asleep or not. Sunny poured a glass of cold water from the fridge and drank it. She swished it around her mouth and then gargled it. Crestfallen, she caught the edge of the counter to steady herself. Sunny had to finally admit that this was all real. She stifled a sudden urge to scream. She would not cry. She would go tonight. She had to. She glanced at her wall clock again. Her stomach lurched. The time was fast approaching that she was going to have to confess her darkest secret. She was going to have to say those awful words about Richard leaving her to someone else, to everyone else—out loud.

Sunny decided a glass of icy cold chardonnay and a hot shower would relax her before her big moment of truth. She almost felt like an actress going on stage for some big performance. Ridiculous. She didn’t have to put on a show for her best friends. Sunny couldn’t help but feel self-conscious and embarrassed though. Sunny had always been the strong, grounded one, consistently there lending support to everyone else in crisis. She felt like she was letting them all down. This was not supposed to happen to someone like Sunny. But it had. There in was the problem. She had to admit it to herself. This had happened to her. Sunny knew in her heart that they would be understanding and supportive. Of course, they would say Richard was a fool for leaving her because they were her friends. Sunny thought Richard was a fool too, so they would all be in agreement. Still, that wouldn’t make her feel any better or allow her to go back to feeling normal again. She felt so out of her own skin. She could see the molecules moving in the air around her, unsettled, bouncing around her like tiny granules of sand, erratic, scattering, like vertigo closing in on her until she was blinded by the chaos. Everything was askew. Everything was a mess. Sunny needed that drink fast. Maybe it would slow everything down.

Sunny picked her favorite wine glass. It was the biggest and twice the size of any other wine glass she had. It was hand painted with a jazzy image of a swingin’ blonde bombshell on it with skinny legs running the length of the stem, complete with stiletto heels. She took the bottle of Cakebread Cellars chardonnay from refrigerator. Thank goodness she always had a good bottle of wine chilled ready to go for unexpected drop-by visitors. She thought there probably wouldn’t be many of those in the near future as soon as word got out that they were getting divorced. She would be the plague to their many couple friends for the time being. People always shied away from couple disasters. It was kind of like a contagious disease. No one wanted to catch it even though they knew it was impossible, sort of like AIDS. What made it worse was social protocol dictated that they should, at the very least, call to make sure you were doing okay. But she knew they wouldn’t—phone lines, you couldn’t be too careful.

It was hard to imagine that their friends could be so, so cold. Sunny knew she was being paranoid, but she didn’t want to be hurt further by more potential abandonment. Making excuses now would save her fragile feelings later. Sunny had to acknowledge the reality of the situation. She knew she would be ostracized and at this exact moment that was okay. She needed time alone. Her girlfriends would be enough to get her through this initial period of grieving. Richard’s and her friends together would just have to be a casualty of divorce if that is how it ended up. She hoped that would not be the case, as she had enjoyed their mutual friends very much and didn’t want to lose contact. Part of her did understand people’s reluctance in continuing a friendship when a relationship had broken up. People just didn’t know what to say and there was that third wheel component that was always uncomfortable.

Sunny picked up her filled wine glass and took a long sip. The chardonnay slid down in a cold, silky stream filling her with contradictory warmth. Since she hadn’t eaten in a several days, except for some chocolate cake, okay lots of Linda’s Chocolate Cake from the Cheesecake Factory and Kettle Mesquite Barbecued Potato Chips, at least they were the healthy potato chips to balance out the not so healthy chocolate cake, Sunny immediately felt the light euphoric floaty feeling that enveloped her from the roots of her hair to the tips of her toes. Wow, did she need that. She ended up drinking half the glass in less than a couple of minutes. She felt temporarily numbed and that was undoubtedly a good thing.

Sunny decided to call Kate before she hopped into the shower. She never drank alcohol and drove. It was a rule she adhered to adamantly. In her delicate emotional condition and a half a glass down, she knew she was already too affected by that little bit to consider driving. In addition, Sunny planned to drink the rest of that glass before leaving home and more when she got to Mama Babs house, so driving was not an option tonight.

Sunny called Kate’s cell phone. Kate answered after the second ring in her usual jovial manner, Hey, what’s up Sunshine? Caller ID left no surprises.

Sunny almost lost her composure instantly with Kate’s endearing nickname Sunshine. She immediately thought it should really be more like Stormy now. Sunny took a deep breath and swallowed the huge lump that had developed so quickly in her throat. She spoke slowly and deliberately trying to monitor the possible tremor in her voice, Hi, Kate. Hey, I was wondering if you would mind picking me up before going over to Mama Babs?

Are you okay, Sunny? You sound kind of funny. I hope you’re not getting that cold thing that is going around.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I’m fine. I just finished watching Ellen. She is so wonderful. Always doing good deeds for people. Those happy endings get me every time. You know me. I even cry watching commercials.

Good I’m glad you aren’t getting some cold-flu thing. And sure, it is no problem picking you up. How about six thirtyish?

That’s great. I will be ready to go…So I will see you then. Thanks Kate, I appreciate it. You know how I hate to drive after I drink and tonight I plan to drink.

That good of a week, huh?

Yeah, I will be unloading tonight. Better armor up. Don’t want any walking wounded except for me, Sunny replied half laughing. She swallowed hard as her throat caught. She didn’t want to start talking about it now. The chardonnay was already loosening her up. Chatting came so easily once she had alcohol in her, what a surprise.

Uh oh. So you’re not okay. Do you need to talk now?

No, no. Let’s save it for tonight. It will give us something to talk about, Sunny said reassuringly.

Like we need more to talk about. But okay, if you’re sure it can wait.

I’m sure. I will see you at six-thirty, then. Bye.

See you soon, Kate hung up.

The click of the phone was so loud in Sunny’s ear, so final—so cut off. Sunny found it unnerving, which was ridiculous given her nerves were unwound already. But nonetheless the sound grated against her raw nerves making her wince.

Regrouping, Sunny saw that it was almost five-thirty. She had an hour to take a relaxing shower and get it together before Kate came to pick her up. Sunny could use the time to gather herself into a, a –what? What was she suppose to be? Courageous? Stoic? Tough? What?

Sunny’s twenty five year marriage had just ended abruptly. Like the force of a hurricane. It had swept through her with gale force winds tearing out the roots of her very being, ripping out the core of her foundation, blowing her life completely into smithereens and now Sunny was afraid the tsunami was on the horizon and she didn’t know how she would survive the waves that threatened to drown her for sure. The wine sure made the metaphors come easily.

Sunny took another sip of the chardonnay. It tasted so good and it did seem to calm her a little, except for the threat of the hurricane. Luckily she was in California where hurricanes were rare. They only had earthquakes that could cause tsunamis. No matter. Nothing another sip of wine wouldn’t help.

Sunny decided she better get her shower over with before her crazed state of mind led her to drown herself. She wondered if it was possible to drown in a shower stall. People were pretty creative when they wanted to be. All this hurricane and tsunami talk had put her on edge. She knew she could never really be suicidal. It was just a mind escape. Anyway, she was too much of a fraidy cat and she loved her family too much to cause that kind of damage. At the very least, she could drown her sorrows in lots of wine. Sunny wondered if this was how people became alcoholics. A flash of light hit her behind her eyes. Did she drink too much? She had never really thought about it. She and Richard had wine almost every night. Was she, could she become an alcoholic? It happened. There was alcoholism in her family. Oh, God, something else to worry about. She didn’t really have an addictive personality though. She was so vulnerable