The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making

Written by Jared Yates Sexton

Narrated by Jared Yates Sexton

Based on his provocative and popular New York Times op-ed, The Man They Wanted Me to Be is both memoir and cultural analysis. Jared Yates Sexton alternates between an examination of his working class upbringing and historical, psychological, and sociological sources that examine the genesis of toxic masculinity and its consequences for society.

As progressivism changes American society, and globalism shifts labor away from traditional manufacturing, the roles that have been prescribed to men since the Industrial Revolution have been rendered as obsolete. Donald Trump's campaign successfully leveraged male resentment and entitlement, and now, with Trump as president and the rise of the #MeToo movement, it's clear that our current definitions of masculinity are outdated and even dangerous.

Deeply personal and thoroughly researched, The Man They Wanted Me to Be examines how we teach boys what's expected of men in America, and the long-term effects of that socialization-which include depression, shorter lives, misogyny, and suicide. Sexton turns his keen eye to the establishment of the racist patriarchal structure which has favored white men, and investigates the personal and societal dangers of such outdated definitions of manhood.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Highbridge Company
• Release date: May 14, 2019
• ISBN: 9781684572496

Reviews for The Man They Wanted Me to Be

[Dax Martinez-Vargas · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

A must read for everyone. Toxic masculinity has poisoned us for too long and Jared does a fantastic job explaining how and why and how to solve it. Great job, Jared!!

[wise69 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Well-written discussion on the personal and cultural damage done by toxic masculinity.

[bookwyrmm_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Eye-opening look at what the idea of masculinity can lead to and how the cycle needs to be broken.

[davidwineberg · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

American Macho is toxicThe Man They Wanted Me To Be is a cathartic look at Jared’s Sexton’s life to date (He’s 38). It is a stinging condemnation of working-class white males and their attitudes. They control, berate and beat their wives and children, hate anything that doesn’t smack of white male supremacy, and are self-contained frustration bombs, ready to explode at any time.Sexton was a chubby, asthmatic and emotional child, which infuriated a series of men – his father and several stepfathers. He was given the ultimate crushing insult: he was “no better than a girl.” His mother bounced from one abusive relationship to another, totally unable to hook up with a reasonable man. Sexton grew up into a poor, alcoholic, frustrated and self-loathing beast of a teen and young adult. In this, he simply followed his role models.Sexton’s thesis is that the working-class white American male is in an impossible situation. Carrying the burden of being superior, the sole breadwinner and the hardest worker, he can show no emotion or even understanding of anyone else. He is there to be served. He has no time, patience or tolerance for variance in his vision of the perfect society. That society, the American Dream, does not exist for him, making it difficult for him to rationalize his life. Every nibble at his dreamworld – blacks getting educations, women getting equal pay, children going to university, immigrants taking the worst jobs available – all make him dig in and fight. He is open and welcoming to conspiracy theories backing his views of the world. And inevitably, he has come to see Donald Trump as his savior. Sexton says “America is a bastion of patriarchal pitfalls, and consistently reinforces toxic concepts.” This is called performative masculinity, and in a patriarchal society, these males must be “on” at all times. To miss that goal is to show weakness. It totally prevents any kind of intimacy, with men or even their own wives. In Sexton’s eastern Indiana in the 1980s and 90s, there was nothing else to emulate, it seems. The schoolyard reinforced it. The girls reinforced it. Sports reinforced it. It involved a lot swearing, racism, sexism, misogyny, posing, slouching and attitude.It is also actually toxic. In all of the research Sexton conducted for the book, he found men are sicker, die earlier and are lonely and miserable in their self-enforced, controlling solitude. Sexton himself slept with a loaded rifle, ready to use it on himself at any time.The book is really about three things: Sexton’s life, the insufferable existence of men, and the rise of the alt-right to take advantage of and reinforce it. It is both a confession and a plea for readers to open their eyes. Things are the way there are in America for good reason. And more posturing isn’t going to fix it. If you can see that in the book, it is well worthwhile.It’s tempting to conclude that white working-class American males are the most gullible, weak and insecure examples of Homo sapiens there can be. They constantly fear for their position of superiority. They are afraid of everyone from their politicians to anyone of a different color, to their own wives and children. They fall for every idiot story that floats past. But of course, that’s not true. It is rather, true of people in general. Why are we puzzled that young men can be radicalized into joining ISIS by looking at websites, when mass murderer Dylan Roof self-radicalized the exact same way, except it was White Supremacy instead of ISIS? Why is Make America Great Again a genuine threat to the very existence of the USA? Sexton shows how it can be, through toxic masculinity. It leads to the breakdown of self-respect, of respect for others, of the family and ultimately of the nation, as the frustration of the isolated white male becomes the front burner issue.The key to the violence, Sexton concludes, is simple shame. Embarrassed by their own lack of humanity and success, men lash out. It is part of the contradiction that makes their lives impossible to live. It took his own father 59 years to realize it, admit it, reject it, and try to humanize himself. Just as he was getting a handle on it, he died, because part of toxic masculinity is never seeing a doctor. I learned this violence syndrome years ago in the story of freed slaves, deported to Liberia in the mid 1800s. Instead of using their new-found freedom to work with the native Liberians, they beat them into submission, kept them out of the better jobs and schooling, and perpetuated the generations of vicious lessons of the American South. As one ex-slave put it in an extraordinary admission: "How true it is, the greater the injury done to the injured, the greater the hatred of those who have done the injury!"David Wineberg