If Only I Could Tell You: A Novel

Written by Hannah Beckerman

Narrated by Nicky Diss

Hannah Beckerman pens a life-affirming novel that tells the story of a family divided and the secret that  can possibly unite them—a must for fans of This Is Us.

“I loved it (even though it made me cry).”—Jojo Moyes

 A secret between two sisters.
A lifetime of lies unraveling.
Can one broken family find their way back to each other?

Audrey’s dream as a mother had been for her daughters, Jess and Lily, to be as close as only sisters can be. But now, as adults, they no longer speak to each other, and Audrey’s two teenage granddaughters have never met. Audrey just can’t help feeling like she’s been dealt more than her fair share as she’s watched her family come undone over the years, and she has no idea how to fix her family as she wonders if they will ever be whole again.

If only Audrey had known three decades ago that a secret could have the power to split her family in two, and yet, also keep them linked. And when hostilities threaten to spiral out of control, a devastating choice that was made so many years ago is about to be revealed, testing this family once and for all.

Once the truth is revealed, will it be enough to put her family back together again or break them apart forever?

“Utterly compelling and completely heartbreaking. I couldn’t put it down.”
   — Ruth Hogan

“Totally engrossing, achingly sad and so perceptive about the corrosive legacy of family secrets.”—Kate Eberlen, author of Miss You

• Language: English
• Publisher: HarperAudio
• Release date: Oct 15, 2019
• ISBN: 9780062934406

Hannah Beckerman

Hannah Beckerman studied English at King's College (London) for her undergraduate degree, and at Queen Mary  and Westfield (London) for her master's degree. She spent twelve years working in television, first as a producer for the BBC and subsequently as a commissioning editor for arts and documentaries at Channel 4 and the Discovery Channel USA. She lived in Bangladesh for two years, working for the BBC World Service Trust. She is now a full-time author and journalist as well as a book critic and features writer for the Observer, the FT Weekend Magazine and the Sunday Express. She is also a regular chair at literary festivals and events and has been a judge for numerous book prizes including the Costa Book Awards. If Only I Could Tell You is Hannah's second novel. She lives in London with her husband and daughter.  

Reviews for If Only I Could Tell You

[bettysunflower · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I received the paperback issue, but its not listed on here yet. Wow what an awesome story!! Audrey has found out that she is dying and has less than a year to live. She has 2 adult daughter who have not spoken to each other in many years. Those daughters each have one daughter themselves who have never met. The one thing that Audrey wants to do before dying is to get the once close sisters back together and for the granddaughter to meet. Our writer gives the reader enough information to keep reading and to look for answers to questions not quite asked. The author pulls you in and holds on tight. I loved the book and once I started reading, I only put it down for a few hours sleep and then right back to it again in the morning. Great read!!

[nicnac63 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I wanted to like this book more. I love the cover and the blurb sounds great, but the story feels so heavy and I longed for more glimpses of light.

[Kari Angelica · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Tragic but written beautifully. I also loved that is had good ending!

[grgenius_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Honest to goodness, this was not the story I thought I was walking into when I first started reading....and I think that's why it was bothering me for a while as I read. There were all these secrets being alluded to, but unrevealed, one in particular that seemed to start them all, and if it didn't come out sooner rather than later, I thought I might throw my first book. Hey, I'm being honest! It kept circling round and round the hidden truth without lifting the curtain it was behind. Eventually about two thirds in, it happened...and from there my outlook on everything changed. The losses felt so deeply among this family, the divisions that were the fallout of misunderstandings and assumptions...they all changed their lives so drastically, and filled them with so much hurt and resentment. It certainly speaks to clearing to the air and speaking your heart in lieu of getting lost between the what ifs and might have beens.


**copy received for review; opinions are my own

[dawnlovesbooks · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

. If they could have only told each other, the characters in this book could have had much better lives and relationships. Audrey is the mother of estranged sisters, Lily and Jess. Audrey has terminal breast cancer and she wonders, “How do you get to the end of your life and feel as though you’ve barley begun?” Audrey is desperate to mend her family before she dies. The book is told back and forth from the past and the present and is told from all three women’s point of views. As the book progresses we learn about all the horrible secrets and tragedies that these women have kept to themselves over the years. If this book teaches you anything, it should be to make sure you tell people how you feel. “A person’s story didn’t follow a straight narrative trajectory from birth to death. There were countless beginnings and endings, countless opportunities to start again. There were as many different beginnings to a life as someone was brave and kind enough to allow themselves.”

[marciablnc · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Very well written. The book pulls you into the story right away.

[lorikboyd · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

When you are a child, you remember things a certain way. You don’t think of other scenarios, just what you see. This is the problem go Jess. This action starts an almost 30 year estrangement between Jess and her sister, Lily. No one except Jess knows why and she’s not talking. This story unfolds as mother, Audrey, is fighting her own battle and wants to reunite her family.

This novel was family drama, at its best/worst, all characters evolving and enfolding their own battles. Have tissues handy as your heart won’t be able to take all the drama. Well written. Every individual handles grief differently, this family is no different. Each situation will frustrate you and tug at your heart at the same time. The last chapter...oh my!

Thanks to NetGalley for this ARC. Opinion is mine alone!

[ml923 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

3.5 stars. This is an emotional, heart-wrenching novel based upon the ups and downs of a family. Two sisters, Jess and Lily, have had a conflict ever since Jess was 10 and Lily was 16. Jess has resented Lily for decades, ever since something terrible happened. Each girl now has daughters of her own, who are about the same age as Jess and Lily were when their conflict started. And, their mother Audrey is dying of cancer. She wants to see her daughters back together again before she dies.What forced Jess and Lily apart? Can they confront what happened and move on? These questions get answered in a moving and engrossing way through Beckerman’s well-written narrative, and the revelations are somewhat of a surprise. All in all, a good read.Thanks to the publisher and to Edelweiss for providing me with an advanced reader's copy.

[kbranfield-837433 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

If Only I Could Tell You by Hannah Beckerman is a deeply affecting novel about family, secrets and ultimately, healing.

Matriarch Audrey Siskin would like nothing more for her daughters Lily Goldsmith and Jess to end their thirty year estrangement. Jess is a single mum to seventeen year old Mia and she is quite resistant to mending the rift between her and Lily. Lily is married to Daniel and their daughter Phoebe is also seventeen.  Jess refuses to allow Mia to have anything to do with her cousin nor does she discuss her childhood. But when Audrey attempts to facilitate a reunion between her two daughters, will Jess finally reveal why she cut off all ties with Lily nearly thirty years earlier?

Jess works long hours and has long relied on Audrey to fill in the parenting gaps.  She also has high expectations for Mia and she has her daughter's future all planned out.  Jess still remains extremely angry and resentful toward Lily but she is also insatiably curious about her sister's life. How will Jess react to Audrey's attempts to persuade her to heal the rift with Lily?

On paper, Lily has the perfect life. Both she and Daniel work hard at their respective jobs and they are always striving to reach their career goals.  With an upcoming change in her life as Daniel pursues his next promotion, Lily is a little worried about their future.  She is also a bit uncertain how to deal with Phoebe and she is unsure how to mend their strained relationship. Lily has no idea why Jess is so angry with her and with her life in turmoil, will she be amenable to Audrey's efforts to help them end their estrangement?

If Only I Could Tell You is an emotionally compelling novel that is fast-paced and engaging. The characters are vibrantly developed with all too human foibles. The Siskin family troubles stretch back to Jess and Lily's childhood but exactly what happened to tear their family apart?  Hannah Beckerman keeps readers on the edge of their seats as this endearing novel comes to a heartwarming yet poignant conclusion.  An engrossing story that I enjoyed and recommend to fans of family-centric novels.

[chutzpanit · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

This book definitely kept me guessing. I did not anticipate the twist in the story and was actually taken quite by surprise when I reached the climax of the book. Overall it was an enjoyable read that kept me guessing.

[bookchickdi · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Hannah Beckerman's novel If Only I Could Tell You opens with a prologue set in 1988. Jess sees her older sister Lily coming out of the spare bedroom that their parents told them not to go into that morning. Lily warns Jess not to tell anyone that she was in there, and when Jess wants to go in, Lily physically prevents her from doing so. When Jess gets home from school that day, the lives of their entire family has changed, although the reader does not know why.Flash forward to the present. Lily is now a hotshot marketing professional, in high demand and featured in news stories. She is married to a very sucessful lawyer and they have a teenage daughter Phoebe.Jess is a single mom to a teenage daughter, Zoe, but her career path has been less successful. She works as a location manager for films, and that means long hours and constantly seeking work. Her widowed mother Audrey has helped Jess raise Zoe, picking her up from school, caring for her while Jess works. Jess hasn't spoken to her sister Lily in years, angry over the fallout from that day in 1988.Audrey is ill, hiding the seriousness of it from her daughters. She has recently moved in with Jess, reasoning that Jess and Zoe need her more than Lily's family does. Audrey would like nothing more that to see her daughters reconcile, and for her granddaughters to get to know each other.It took me a long time to get into If Only I Could Tell You. The author constantly references that something big happened on that day in 1988, but it isn't until about halfway through the story that we find out what occured.That's when the book really came together for me. Just as I was getting annoyed, the author turns everything on its head, and I have to say I did not guess at the reveal. I actually gasped out loud.Many books have a secret at its core to keep the reader interested, and this one was heartbreaking.If you like family drama, If Only I Could Tell You will be a good read for you. The characters are well-drawn, and the family dynamic was realistic. It is emotional, and it deals with something traumatic, so if that upsets you, I would suggest maybe not reading it. I admit to tearing up in more than a few places.Fans of Jodi Picoult's books will want to pick up If Only I Could Tell. I recommend it.

[amelianovich · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This is an incredibly sad family drama about misconceptions, secrets, and forgiveness. For three decades sisters Lily and Jess have been estranged because of a devastating choice. Their mother, Audrey, does not understand or know why her two daughters are not speaking. Her wish is that her family could find a way to heal and love each other again. There is sadness from beginning to end in this story although I can say it was beautifully written. I now need to read a more uplifting book to make me smile! This book was a win from Librarything.

[macnoid · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I received a free copy of this book through the LibraryThing Early Readers program. Having started this book the day before, I had planned to read a couple hours, then run some errands. I got so absorbed in the book, and wanting to find out 'what happened', that no errands got done! I read to the end! Being in my 60s with adult children, I could totally relate to Audrey, the mother, when she finds out she is dying. Audrey is taking a good look back at her life, reading her teen journals, and realizes her life didn't take the course she had thought it would, and there's many goals she didn't accomplish. So she sets out to remedy that, but top of the list is to see the rift between her daughters healed. Her daughters have been estranged for decades, starting in their childhood, and it is breaking her heart to think that they will never be reconciled. She is unsure about the reason for the break. Jess seems to think it's all Lily's fault, and Lily thinks it is Jess's fault. The story is told from their separate viewpoints , bouncing between the childhood events and the present . This family has suffered some very traumatic events, that rocked it to the core.... and what is meant to protect children, turns out being misinterpreted ....and keeping secrets has torn them apart. The story unfolds slowly....... but there are hints that something sinister has happened....so you keep reading to find out what!! The ending was satisfying...and tear jerking. I had gotten rather attached to the characters, but I felt the daughters, Jess and Lily, were going to be ok. Aside from the story line, throughout the story, I was touched by Audrey's reflections on her life...... her regrets, not having accomplishing things that were so important to her younger self, her feelings of living with the results of 'wrong decisions', and her life going down the wrong path, out of her control.... her family broken seemingly beyond repair. It is a powerful reminder that our days are numbered, and those we love may not always be in our life..... and that relationships require openness and communication, and sometimes forgiveness. And that can live life to the fullest and follow our dreams, no matter our age.....or we will live with regrets of a life not lived fully. Overall, a good read!

[dawn1361 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Families are complicated no matter how they appear to others. Families have secrets no matter how trivial or devastating. Ten year old eyes will see a different reality than a 15 year old pair, let alone the perspective from parental eyes. "If Only I Could Tell You" is a novel by Hannah Beckerman that expertly unravels an event that through the eyes of the mother, the 10 year old, and the 15 year old sparks a harsh divide lasting years.As Audrey, the mother concludes, "There are as many different beginnings to a life as someone was brave and kind enough to allow themselves." Beckerman's characters are easily embraced with chapters alternating from Audrey and her daughters. No one is a villain. Only after coming the fork in the road where each needs to reveal what has been their own secret, can a new family relationship begin. This novel has a "Hallmark Movie" feel but if the reader is looking for a fast paced story, this is one. I received my copy of this book through LibraryThing's Early Reviewer program.

[susan.h.schofield · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

This was an absorbing family drama about a mother and her two daughters who have not spoken to each other in 30 years. What started their estrangement definitely came as a surprise part way through the book. There was a lot going on in this book beyond the issues between Lily and Jess - Audrey's illness, Lily and Jess' issues with their own daughters and Lily's marriage. It's a good book for a book club - there is definitely a lot to discuss. I received an ARC of this book from LibraryThing.

[susan0316 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Family secrets that are kept too long can tear a family apart and even when the secrets come to light, the pain can still keep the family fractured. This new novel by Hannah Beckerman is about a family secret that destroyed the relationship between two sisters for over 30 years - they refuse to speak to each other or allow their daughters to meet. Their mother is desperate to reconcile her family no matter what it takes.I really enjoyed the way that the author told this story. The secret was revealed slowly to keep the reader guessing. The story is told in alternating chapters by Audrey, Jess and Lily so that we get to know each character very well. All of the characters were so well written that they felt like people that I know in my life. And the big question through out the novel is whether the family can find their way back to each other after years of secrets and silence.This book was an emotional roller coaster with three wonderful characters and a lot of misunderstanding between them. Have Kleenex close because you're going to need it. This is a story about family, love, grief and honesty and one that I won't soon forget.Thanks to Library Thing for a copy of this book to read and review. All opinions are my own

[wendiv-1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I received this book through LibraryThing Early Review. Having my own hidden family secret, I really wanted to have a connection with this book. I found it hard to get into and kept getting confused with Lily and Jess. I couldn’t keep track of which one was older and whose daughter was whose. At one point I thought I had read one was so many years older but then in the next chapter it seemed to contradict itself. It seemed like each time I put it down I had to go back to figure out who was who again. Also, in the beginning I got tired of all the inferences that there was some hidden secret as to what happened. It almost made me want to skip ahead, as in “okay, enough already, just start with the story.” Some of the stuff never really had an ending (like with Lily and Daniel) and sometimes I wanted more to the story (like with Ben). I loved Mia and Phoebe, got aggravated with Lily and got pissed with Jess. Jury is still out with Audrey. As a mom to three girls (and two of them twins), some of it hit too close to home, so not sure I could provide an unbiased opinion on her. I think all of the characters could have had more depth to them. It almost felt as if the whole book was rushed for a deadline. I did cry my eyes out the last 30 pages or so but think that had to do more with the subject matter than anything.

[willowone_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Hannah Beckerman has written an intensely emotional book about secrets and how they can eat away at the bonds of family.Audrey Siskin had many hopes and dreams as a child and young woman. She journaled frequently, writing about her hopes for the future, where she would go and what she would do. That all became a far off if ever, dream when she discovers she is pregnant. She marries her long-time boyfriend Edward and a life she had not planned begins. First Lily arrives and 5 years later twins Zoe and Jess join the family. But, life can be cruel and when cancer strikes their happy little family things happen that will be held in secret for many years but not before devasting six lives in different ways. Can happiness be restored? Can relationships be rebuilt? This book is intense and is not a one-sitting read in my opinion. Plan to spend time with it, plan to have tissues close. I do believe it could have been a shorter book. I felt that sometimes it was repeating information or that there were parts we didn't really need to know.I received this book through the LibraryThing Early Reviewer Program for the purpose of my honest review.

[msnick_1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I always appreciate twists that I never saw coming - If Only I Could Tell You didn't disappoint in this regard. There are some truly heart-rending bits that had me reading through tears. All in all, I enjoyed the book even though I thought certain sections of the story felt longer than necessary and there were a few scenarios where I had trouble suspending my disbelief . 3.5 out of 5 stars.

[audrieclifford · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I was impressed by the author's ability to keep us guessing throughout the length of the story. Suspicion about the person who caused the bad happening, whatever it might have been, falls first on the father, and his subsequent suicide only deepens that feeling. This book has much to recommend it.

[coverloverbookreview · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I wanted to like this book more. I love the cover and the blurb sounds great, but the story feels so heavy and I longed for more glimpses of light.

[jfe16 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Review of Advance Reader’s EditionOver the years, Audrey’s family has fallen apart and she has no idea of how to fix it. Her two daughters refuse to speak to each other, and her two granddaughters have never met each other. What caused the rift in Audrey’s family and is it too late for her to bring healing to the daughters she loves? Relationships lie at the heart of this poignant tale where tragedy seems to have parked itself on the doorstep. Present-day chapters alternate with those detailing key events of the past, providing the much-needed backstory; readers gain perspective as the telling of the tale focuses alternately on Audrey, Lily, and Jess. With events of the past driving the present, the story weaves itself into a tale of obstinate estrangement; neither sister is particularly likable and both are overly self-absorbed. [They could learn a great deal from their daughters Phoebe and Mia.] Readers are likely to find the rift between the sisters a bit unrealistic; it’s difficult to imagine so many years passing without mother Audrey taking steps to resolve the problem between Lily and Jess.However, as the story slowly unfolds, their silence, the secrets they’ve kept, the undiscussed assumptions they’ve made, and the heartache and grief they’ve suffered all spill across the pages, engulfing the reader in their emotion. The moral dilemma at the heart of the story is gut-wrenching and the tension-filled tale is sure to touch the reader’s heart. Recommended.I received a free copy of this book through the LibraryThing Early Readers program

[kmjessica · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A story about a family tragedy that lasted almost a life time.
This was a story that made me cry sometimes, and also made me mad sometimes and made me miss my own mother while I was reading it.
It was sad and also a story where it taught you a lesson( but I wont say ,so I dont spoil the story). This is not an on the edge of your seat book and It took me almost a week to read it, but It was a good story
with a very important lesson. I would recommend this book if you want a good (what its like to be human) read.

[nicx27 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I've just finished If Only I Could Tell you and I'm feeling quite frustrated. Not because I didn't love this book because I did, but because of the crux of the storyline, the two sisters who haven't spoken for nearly three decades, ripping their entire family apart. I want to rage at the misunderstandings, the mistakes, for nothing is ever black and white in families is it?It's the story of Audrey, and of Lily and Jess. Audrey is their mother and she's had to witness the fracturing of her family. Only Jess ever knew why it had happened. Lily and Jess now have daughters of their own, born within six months of each other, cousins who could be close but can never meet. Very early on we learn of something that becomes the catalyst for matters to finally come to a head.Hannah Beckerman's writing is warm, it's complex, it's beautiful. It's completely heartfelt but this is never a book that is twee or corny. It had me in tears more than once and when I thought I had an inkling of what might have happened Beckerman turned that on its head and dealt me a complete surprise. What dawned on me right at the end as I thought back to what I had read was that this is very much a book about women. There are five strong women at the heart of it and only two men who feature in a very small way. It's a story of motherhood, of sisterhood, of ruptures in families that can last for years. It's also an uplifting tale, particularly for Audrey who does something that she has wanted to do for years and it's only now, when time is critical, that she does it. I thought it was wonderful to witness her living her dreams. Her main dream though is for Lily and Jess's relationship to be repaired. I could only hope that her dream would come true.Keep the tissues handy if you read If Only I Could Tell You. You must have a hard heart if you don't feel anything. The flashback scenes are particularly poignant and particularly difficult to read, but also written with great care and sensitivity. This is a gorgeous read in every way.