How to Have a Realistic Conversation About Beauty With Your Kids
Talking to my three elementary-school-age daughters about beauty can be hard. No matter how much I insist that their looks don’t matter, that their character is what truly counts in life, they don’t believe me. About a year ago, I was tiptoeing down the hallway after tucking my 9- and 6-year-olds into their bunk bed when I overheard the younger one. “Momma says it doesn’t matter if you’re beautiful; it matters if you’re clever,” she said to her sister. The eldest replied, “She only says that because she’s already pretty.”
As I recount in my book, , that moment stopped meBut my children were right to be skeptical of my advice. Study after study confirms that prettiness can be a privilege. Attractive men over the course of their career. Better-looking economics scholars are . Good-looking people are perceived as healthier, smarter, and more sociable, as research has shown . I cannot erase these advantages by ignoring them. In fact, Rebecca Herzig, a professor of gender and sexuality studies at Bates College, told me that trying to convince my children that appearance isn’t important is “a really complicated form of gaslighting.” I wanted my kids to resist the tyranny of vanity: the way it excludes people, makes them anxious, and encourages them to labor constantly. I also didn’t want to misrepresent how society operates. I wasn’t sure of the third way.
