Welcome to My Fabulous Sh*tshow

By Mel W

Welcome to My Fabulous Sh*tshow embraces the power of being yourself and yielding your sword of soul to conquer the battlefield that is life as a woman and a mother.  It pays tribute to the amazing super troopers in your life who not only love and support you but are in the trenches just in case you call for backup. They will catch you, prop you up and send you back out to battle in your gorgeous stilettos! Armed with eyelash and hair extensions plus a splash of impatience that only a single woman can have whilst juggling kids and a career, this book takes delight in showcasing how being in your mid-40s can also mean that you are in your prime time and life is only just beginning. Learn how self-discovery is a journey for the brave or for those who like to cringe. Was it through trying to work out a brand after being described as Bridget Jones meets Carrie Bradshaw?  Is it from becoming a newly appointed student of the universe (with Google as a professor) or testing the philosophies of drama and love or even seeking answers about parallel universes? Perhaps it was trying to find answers from undertaking a sexual energy cleanse, rebuilding an 'empire' after having a squashed heart or is it the struggle to date men of the same age.  This fabulous sh*tshow takes a humorous and curious look at living beyond your expectations and at how things in life just happen as they are supposed to.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Mar 31, 2023
• ISBN: 9781398467323

Mel W

A single mother raising her two young sons in Sydney, Australia, Mel W is also the author of The Single Mother Trying Not to F*ck Up Life, a podcast and website host of The Single Mother’s Guide to the Galaxy, formally a casual writer with the Sydney Sentinel and now Managing Director of Mel W & Co, an online dating profile consultancy service. Mel W continues to live without fear of retribution for being fabulously witty.

Book preview

About the Author

A single mother raising her two young sons in Sydney, Australia, Mel W is also the author of The Single Mother Trying Not to F*ck Up Life, a podcast and website host of The Single Mother’s Guide to the Galaxy, formally a casual writer with the Sydney Sentinel and now Managing Director of Mel W & Co, an online dating profile consultancy service. Mel W continues to live without fear of retribution for being fabulously witty.

Dedication

To my beautiful sons, Isaac and Mitchell.

Copyright Information ©

Mel W 2023

The right of Mel W to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

All of the events in this memoir are true to the best of author’s memory. The views expressed in this memoir are solely those of the author.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398467316 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398467323 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2023

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

Acknowledgement

Thank you to the beautiful people in my life (in no particular order, as you are all wonderful and dear to me). My beautiful Aunty Lynne and Uncle Ian for your encouragement and support. The beautiful Mel G. The grand Taj Mahal Talei. The wise and exceptional Sonya with a Y who also likes to ask why. The sensational Lady Cin Cin. The informative Jo D. The creative crew Lesley and Jackie M. My work wifey Ms. J. My wing ladies who are the kindest, most encouraging, and gorgeous crew of gals – Ann-Louise, Susie M and Tegan S. The creative crew Lesley and Jacqui M. My work wifey Ms. J. The guy who keeps me on my toes, Bernardo. The inspirational Kathy next door. My sister gal Kas. Don’t forget my MBFs Tomolom, G-Man, , Mathew and work buddies Paul C and Paul B.

Then, of course, my Dad and my pesky little brothers whom I cannot explain how much they have my back and I have theirs; Rohan and Brendon you’re bloody ace!

Most of all my two beautiful sons have taught me about giving and receiving unconditional love. I would move the whole solar system for my babies. They know exactly how to make my day. The random cuddles and kisses are the most cherished things in my life.

I would like to say thanks to Kate Mitchell Photography Sydney for the cover photo.

Foreword/Introduction/Preface

Opening confession

Roll up, roll up, the circus has returned to town. Get on down to Meltown not to be confused with a meltdown. Yep, I’m back with another book.

I was meant to release this book back in 2020 and I can’t blame COVID as I wrote a few pieces somewhere back in 2019! So no, back then there was no PTSD lockdown claims due to isolation and home-schooling. My life changes so fast that some of the chapters seemed a little retrospective and it no longer made sense. So I spent over a year procrastinating! Then guess what? I am now finishing this in lockdown 2.0 aka 2021.

Upfront confession

I have spent almost a year mastering meditation! Why? To calm my crazy farm and create my ideal life and feel like I am present. Oh, and guess what? I am learning to notice the journey instead of just focussing on the destination. After gathering life souvenirs in my basket of knowledge and lessons over the past year I decided that at 46 I needed to smell the flowers, smell the air and smell everything except for my armpits on a summer’s day. Oh, I am now 47 and doing final edits!

Life confession

I am still residing smack bang in the middle of Juggle Street. Yep, this stylish clown is still juggling… only a lot more. I am trying to ascertain why I keep adding things to my life. I’m like the human version of a McDonalds drive-thru making a burger into a meal then supersizing it! Am I doing so much to avoid certain things to fill life gaps? Am I filling life gaps with the white stuff they put in between tiles? Am I human putty or is it grout?

The only consistent things from the last book are that I love my sons more than the whole world; I am still employed and have a wonderful life cheer squad.

Dating confession

God help everyone and anyone who has been or will be identified as a close or casual contact! After taking a massive hit and resurrecting from the land of IRF aka Ignoring Red Flags and paying the price… I will be back on the dating scene after lockdown 2.0.

Just like the Hebrew Bible, my dating experiences seem to start out as good then it becomes bad. Maybe it’s the trickery of the serpent (in his jocks) or the wickedness of humans. Every inclination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil continually (Gen 6:5 NRSV).

Woman’s confession

I am a woman. Slightly older and wiser than my last book. I roar. I snore. I cry. I constantly ask why. I meditate. I radiate. I love. I hurt. I flounder. I recover. I nurture. I lead. I hope. I challenge. I defy. I provide. I work. I please. I am a woman. Writing this time around has really helped me. It has opened me up to all of my possibilities and has created the perfect life for me and my little crew.

Scaffolding confession

I continue to live my dream life. I look out the window at the city skyline and constantly ask myself, ‘How is this all possible?’ I think it’s because I have driven my life vehicle as best I can. I have the best people around me. My scaffolding material is one bucket of dreams, two scoops of fearlessness, three cups of back yourself, a pinch of humility and stir in some passion and compassion until it all balances.

Last chance confession

I absolutely hope you enjoy this book. If you don’t have a go in life then you’ll never ever know. I think we were all born to try. Try to do whatever we can. Try to achieve everything that is an option. I believe in possibilities and right now that possibility is ME!

This time I feel I’m a little more resilient, a fair bit stronger and more confident but never cocky (well kind of). I’m still open to loving, trusting and I’m still a little witty. I always bounce back like a kangaroo as I have faith in everything. A person once said to me, ‘You’re like a cat, you always land on your feet’. This my dear peeps is absolutely true as I expect everything to work out.

Song choices for this grand introduction:

All Saints: Message in a Bottle—This could be my message in a bottle. I’m sending out the big S.O.S to get cracking. Will I be condemned for choosing this cover version over The Police? Suzi Quatro: Stumbling In—My fingers on the keyboard seem to keep stumbling in!

Nial Horan, Diplo: Nice to Meet Ya—Welcome back Mel W, it’s nice to meet ya again…Milli Vanilli: Blame it on the Rain—Gotta blame my desire to write another book on something…

Usher: Yeah!—Because I’ll be twerking in front of the mirror to this song when this book is done!

Simple Minds: Promised You a Miracle—I promise to entertain you but cannot promise any miracles…

Offenbach vs. Nick Waterhouse: Katchi—It’s been a long, long journey. I think I know what katchi is now after actually listening to the lyrics.

Chapter 1

The Art of Tap Dancing

If you love your own company, then you have the perfect dance partner to waltz through life’s storms…

Here is where I am since writing my last book.

I am still a single mum working. I continue to holler like a banshee when my sons are cheeky or lose their library books and conveniently forget their homework books at school. If my farm happened to be calm on the footpath on school mornings, my neighbours would think I am a tranquilised imposter, as my face would not be squashed like a pug frowning. I would also be sashaying, not stomping bellowing out, ‘Hurry up!’ to the car.

I have not had the time to go overseas since my trip to London, Ireland, via Qatar. It seems like it was so long ago. I guess the thought of paying for two mini-adults, flying them half away around the world and not being able to walk them in a park during a 13-hour flight—scares the living sh*t out of me. I may as well kiss the little sanity I have left goodbye! They are getting older now. Maybe we will try a flight somewhere close to home first. I will need to win the lotto to pay for their food. Between their enormous appetites and the price of hotel food, and the weaker Australian dollar, we will be living on canned beans for a decade to recover!

Dating? No! Married? Never!

Maybe I am looking at the fish in the wrong pond. Perhaps I am inspecting the cattle grazing in the wrong paddock. Possibly I am observing lifeforms on the wrong planet. So truth be known, I still check out a dating app here and there. I get bored or become intrigued to see what the sea washes up to shore. Sometimes I like to stir or have my ego fed. Other times, I am loitering without expectation and definitely not searching for THE human unicorn in the form of a man. I would probably need to drop a magic mushroom or two before any unicorns appeared. For the record—I have never tried those mushrooms with visionary powers.

Anyhoo… Moving right along. You are never going to believe this. Since the last book—wait for it—I was nominated and appointed as the President on the board of an art gallery. Yep! TAP Art Gallery. A registered charity and not-for-profit organisation based in the trendy and urbane inner-city suburb of Surry Hills. Yes me! How did this happen?

Ok, so let me rewind and moonwalk back to the start of how this came about. I had my first book launch planned at a venue in Paddington. I had a great meeting with one of the owners and managed to negotiate a good deal with foundational ideas. After the meeting, I was trying to contact the venue and left several messages. Zip. Zilch. Tumbleweed. I did not hear anything back. Then… someone listened to my prayers and answered the dog and bone, also known as old-school slang for the phone. While it is much easier to say phone, I just wanted to use dog and bone. I would never say that out loud.

The lady sounds rather terse. My friendly and bubbly voice is somehow annoying Mrs Captain Grumpo. I recall introducing myself. Her response was something similar to, ‘Yes, I know exactly who you are. I have heard all about you. You met with my husband. No, you are not on our books’.

I had family, friends and people from interstate who had already booked their tickets and accommodation. In panic mode I started looking at venues in surrounding areas. Yay! I found one place. It is perfect. At this stage, I am more desperate than a fish out of water flapping about on land. It happens to be an art gallery in Potts Point. So, I ask if I can hold my book launch there. This gallery is specific. They only exhibit and showcase cultural art.

They ask me about my book. I send the link from amazon.com. I add the title, The Single Mother Trying Not to F*ck Up Life. The cover has me with my velvet, latte caramel chocolate skin and generous sized cleavage. After politely advising they are a cultural gallery, in pure desperation, I say, ‘I am brown. Is that not cultural enough?’ They laugh at my audacity and explain their definition of cultural before politely saying no. Then the helpful lady provides me with links to event spaces. On a limited budget, I notice all the places are way too expensive. Then out of the blue, a photo pops up. It says it is a not-for-profit gallery and has an affordable rate.

I contact the gallery. Nervously I give them an overall synopsis explaining the book. I describe how the book is about a woman entering a new world juggling everything from life, online dating, career and most of all, motherhood. The vibrant manager of the gallery has a unique vivacious style and reminds me of Vivienne Westwood. After listening, she says, ‘You are perfect! We are all about feminism. A modern-day feminist, doing it all on your own the best way you can’.

I show her a picture of the book cover. Will I be judged and condemned by the cover page alone? It is a little sultry. Why? I instructed my book designer to design a cover that makes me look hot so when I am in my nursing home, the nurses will see a copy of my book looking smoking-hot on my bedside table before they hand me my dentures and bedpan.

Nope! No judgement there! I am still perfect! Geeez really? Am I really a modern-day feminist? It was like magic. I witnessed a few calls made; I am placed on loudspeaker and am connected to a New York movement known as Mampalooza, which supports women in the arts. A press release is planned. I now have a new venue with a very cool vibe.

Leading up to my book launch, my dearest and closest all rally around to make sure I am ready. My work wifey, Ms J is curious if I have copies of my book on hand. Ummmm, I did not think about this little detail. I was more like, let’s just announce I wrote a book and celebrate and have some fun. Generously Ms J orders a box