Don't Make This Weird (A Year in the Life)

By Greg Howard Jr

Life is weird. No one can deny that, but for Greg Howard Jr. it takes a certain amount of effort to not make things even weirder. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Greg Howard Jr
• Release date: Feb 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781386897224

Book preview

Don’t Make This Weird is a work of nonfiction. Some names and identifying details have been changed. Any resulting resemblance to any person living or dead is coincidental and unintentional.

A Spring Break ’93 Entertainment Publication

Copyright © 2018 Greg Howard Jr

Copyright © 2018 Spring Break ‘93 Entertainment™

Foreword Copyright © 2019

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher or author, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law. 

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For Aleks, who is the only reason this book exists.

In Loving Memory of My Best Girl

Other Works by Greg Howard Jr

Hi, I’m the Ugly Friend

(And Other Tales of Not Living Up to My Potential)

Chapter Titles That Didn’t Quite Make It

Something… Something… Mouth Full of Shit

Weird Circus Cock Funeral

Well Put an Olive in My Ass and Call Me a Martini

You Gotta Be Real to Be Funny

- Elaine Stritch

Space.

The final frontier.

These are the voyages of the starship IFuckedYourMan…

If you’re reading this, I am writing to you from the not too distant past. That sounds quite ominous doesn’t it? Like I’m about to drop some words of wisdom on you about how you alone can save our Utopian society from a corrupt government. Or perhaps you were expecting the follow up to that sentence to read I am now dead. This is neither of those things.

What you are going to read in the following pages is just about anything and everything that happened to me in 2018 starting in February. But why not in January at the true start of the year? I hear you ask. Well dear friend, when I decided to start on this project I was putting the finishing touches on my first book not entirely sure that there would ever be a second book. Also, February is the start of the fiscal year so technically I am starting at the beginning of the year. I am both a business and an experience so my calendar starts in February, at least for these two books. Will there be a third or fourth or fifth? Maybe. Maybe not.

This book that you now hold in your hands, or it’s on your favorite e-reading device and that’s what you have in your hands, is the product of prodding from friends and my first book’s unexpected foray onto the bestsellers list… twice. That’s still something I haven’t quite wrapped my head around, but like I’ll say several times in what follows: But here we are.

Some things to know as you take this journey with me. I tried really hard to emulate the lighthearted, fun tone of Hi, I’m the Ugly Friend… but I quickly realized that when talking about things that have happened in my past it’s easy for me to make jokes because I may not be able to recall all the finite details of a certain moment and it’s easier to only pull the hilarious parts of your memories while skimming over the more mundane bits. My day to day life tends to fall on the more mundane side so if you’re expecting a non-stop ride of hilarity, I’m afraid to say that you’re are going to be sorely disappointed in what you are about it read.

I want to thank you for spending your hard earned money on my second book or perhaps you stole it though I’m not entirely sure how you would steal a book that’s only available from most digital platforms. Perhaps you nicked a print copy from your friend’s bathroom or found one whilst dumpster diving, either way welcome to the journey.

This letter to you was hard to write because I don’t want to spoil the rest of this book for you. Not that there’s really anything major to spoil. I’m not getting married or adopting or anything like that, but unlike the last time I wrote a book there actually is a payoff at the end of this one. So I guess you have that look forward to? Maybe? No? You’re right, probably not.

I suppose it’s time to stop trying to delay the inevitable. Turn the page and dive into a year in my life.

This is story of a girl called Lucky… Just kidding.

February

This Feels Like a Recurring Theme

They say you shouldn’t make life changing decisions when you are sad, mad, or drunk. Fortunately for me, I was none of those things when I decided to write my first book. It was the first real terrifying life decision I’ve made since I decided to face Tyra Banks in hand to hand combat back in 2012. Was it a good decision? The jury’s still out on that.

As of the time of writing this, my first book Hi, I’m the Ugly Friend… has been out for six days. It was therapeutic for me to get everything contained in those 122 pages out of my brain. In six days, a great many things have changed. The majority of my social media accounts have switched from personal to business. I got my first pubic hair. That second one has nothing to do with first I just thought you guys might like to be happy for me for something else other than being somebody who writes sort of funny stuff.

The thing about writing a book is that once it’s live everybody is so proud of you and there’s lots of people throwing the word ‘congratulations’ around like you did something fantastic. I mean, sure, not everybody will write a book in their lifetime, but what most people don’t understand is that, in my case, you’ve poured your heart and soul into something that is now available for mass consumption. Most of the people who have purchased my book are people I know so there’s a good chance that once they’re all done reading it I’ll have no friends.

Does that make me sound too cynical? Probably. I am literally the worst. Don’t believe me? Buy my last book.

I was on the fence about whether or not I was going to write a second book. There were parts of me that said I was going to wait until the first gained a little traction, sold copies outside of my circle of Facebook friends, or even broke the top one thousand selling items on Amazon. None of those things has happened yet, but here we are; awkwardly making stilted conversation while browsing the specials at some whole in the wall Italian restaurant. Oh, wait, no that’s the last date I went on. Disregard that.

I had several ideas for where I wanted this book to go, what I wanted it to be about, who I was going to talk mad shit about (Still looking at you Cameron Diaz!), all of that sort of went out the window. This book probably won’t be as disjointed as the last one; I’ve got a plan for this book… I think. What you’re going to read in this book is basically a year in my life. The year in my life where everything is going to change. At least I hope everything changes. Knowing me, as you more than likely do, nothing will change.

Strap in folks, we’re getting the fuck out of the south. Permanently. Colorado seems like the most likely option when it comes to getting the hell out of dodge. It’s far enough away that if I start to get homesick it won’t be an easy fix, they actually have seasons there, and I’ve got friends that live there. On the other hand, I could just up and leave the country. This country is not safe for LGBTQIA+ people anymore. I don’t want to live in a country where when a person of color chooses to peacefully protest police brutality during the national anthem, they get called a traitor, disrespectful to veterans, and even worse an ungrateful n-slur. That seems selfish though. If I’ve got the funds to leave the country I should give them to a black or trans person so they can leave the country, they’re in more danger than I am.

For right now, we’re going to settle on Colorado. I’ll let you know if anything changes.

Colorado? That’s so far away.

That’s an awfully big decision.

It’s so cold there. You won’t last a week.

That is so Raven.

Yes, these are some of the things I heard when I started telling those closest to me that I was thinking of moving to Colorado. It’s not like they were being unsupportive or anything. Hell, those were things that I had even said to myself. My mom has gotten really bad about trying to talk me out of this.

What you have to understand is that after a couple years in the same place if things are not constantly changing and throwing me for loops I start to get restless and a little self-destructive. It’s a cycle with me. Every two or three years I’ll start to itch to get away, shake things up, if you will. A lot of that comes from growing up as an Army brat. On the drop of a dime we could have been expected to move and we did.

I love the town that I live in currently, my entire family is here, people I’ve known for almost forever are here, but nothing ever changes. It’s exhausting. I’m like a caged animal with claustrophobia at this point; I’m ten seconds from climbing the walls or gnawing my own foot off.

So here we are. I’m at a crossroads in my life, not at all unlike the iconic Britney Spears film. Except in my story, Kim Cattrall isn’t my mother, there will be no sexed up version of I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll, and Zoe Saldana won’t go on