Emma: Freshman Year

By Alyssa Parker

Emma Olsen is now a high school freshman. Despite dealing with the aftermath of her mistakes in eighth grade, things are looking up for Emma when she gets romantically involved with someone who stood up to her bullies. Unfortunately, that relationship does not last long, and Emma proceeds a series of horrible mistakes throughout the school year, one of them so bad that the Olsen family loses everything they have. Plagued with guilt, Emma feels as if the world would be better off without her, so she takes matters into her own hands. Will Emma’s mom forgive her daughter for her mistakes before it’s too late?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Aug 30, 2024
• ISBN: 9781304061041

Book preview

Desolation

Emma lay on her bed with a blanket wrapped around her body, staring at the ceiling as tears streamed down her cheeks. The entire bedroom was dark, with the only light source coming from the moonlight peeking through the window, casting an eerie glow on everything in its path. The floor was littered with various articles of clothing, and the closet was left wide open, revealing even more clothes on hangers, crammed together like sardines. On the far side of the room stood a short, white dresser with a large, framed mirror on top of it. The walls held various pictures of Emma, her parents, and her friends.

Sniffling and wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, Emma suddenly sat up in bed and kicked off the blankets, revealing her naked body. Every rib in her torso, as well as her collarbones, stuck out drastically. Her stomach was sunken in with chronic undernourishment, accentuating her already-obvious hip bones. Her limbs were stick-thin; and numerous scars resulting from self-harm were present on both forearms and both thighs.

At the end of the school year, Emma had given birth to a baby boy, which was the result of an unplanned pregnancy after sleeping with her classmate, Josh. She had hidden the pregnancy from her mom as long as possible, to the point where it was too late to receive an abortion at the local abortion clinic. Emma's mom, in a fit of rage, kicked Emma out of the house. Desperate, Emma then ran all the way to the nearest overpass, climbed on the railing, and was about to jump off and end her life. However, she was stopped by her best friend Lizzie and Lizzie's dad Craig, who also happened to be Emma's mom's boyfriend. Craig then gave Emma a ride home and talked her mom into letting her live with her again.

But that did not stop Emma's pregnancy from progressing. Before she knew it, she was doubled over with labor pains on the floor of the school bathroom. It was there that she gave birth to Carter. However, Emma was scared out of her mind after seeing her own child lying there in a puddle of blood. Grabbing the umbilical cord, Emma yanked it out of herself, ripping the placenta from her uterus and ran out of the bathrooms, half-naked, leaving her crying baby and a trail of blood behind her. But Emma did not get very far, for she passed out from the loss of blood and woke up later to find herself in the hospital.

However, Carter had ended up in the neonatal intensive care unit and was not doing well. With the help of her nurse, Emma went to visit him, but during that time he stopped breathing. Emma watched as the doctors and nurses tried to resuscitate him, but with no luck. Carter died that very day, and ever since then, Emma was burdened with immense guilt. She knew she was the one who had caused Carter's death by abandoning him in the school bathrooms. She had tried to commit suicide twice while in the hospital, but did not succeed. Her stay in the psychiatric hospital did not do much good either, except for her therapist Julie telling her to hang in there for her family and friends.

And that was exactly what Emma was trying to do. She knew her mom couldn't care less whether or not she was gone, but she knew her dad would be devastated. Emma and her dad were close, and even though he spent most of his days in Afghanistan---for he was in the U.S. Army---he would always spend as much time with Emma as possible on the rare occasions he came home.

Emma's friends were another source of comfort. Lizzie was outgoing, chatty, and quirky. She proudly boasted the title of being Emma's best friend, although Emma wasn't sure if she agreed with that or not. When Lizzie was in a good mood, she was a fun person to be around; however, her emotions were as fickle as her personality.

Heidi and Sharyn, whom Emma had met just last school year, were dependable and kind. They had comforted Emma when she was crying in the halls one day after being taunted by her peers. Heidi had a bright personality with a mischievous tint to it, and Sharyn was calm, collected, and easygoing.

However, despite having three current friends, Emma still missed her childhood friend Hannah. The two of them were inseparable as children, but when Emma was enrolled in a public school instead of the private one that Hannah went to, the girls started growing apart. Emma was still invited to Hannah's birthday party, but Emma felt more and more like an outcast among Hannah and her new friends as the evening went on. After finding her homemade card to Hannah in the trash, Emma was so fed up with Hannah's behavior that she completely destroyed Hannah's bedroom and all the belongings in it. After finding out that Hannah's mom accidentally threw away the card along with the wrapping paper from Hannah's gifts, Emma was so overwhelmed with guilt that she cut herself, and almost overdosed on sleeping pills before her mom walked in the room. Not to mention, she completely destroyed any friendship that she had left with Hannah.

Fresh tears welled in Emma's blue eyes as she replayed the entire scenario in her head. She absolutely regretted destroying her friendship with Hannah. What a piece of shit Emma was, to accuse Hannah of something she didn't do, and then go trash her bedroom because she wanted to get revenge. Pangs of guilt ripped through Emma's heart as she covered her face with her hands and sobbed.

After several moments of sobbing, Emma uncovered her tear-stained face and glanced towards her nightstand, where she usually kept a pair of scissors. But the pair of scissors was nowhere to be found; Emma then remembered that her mom had confiscated her scissors, along with everything else sharp in the house after Emma had come home from the hospital. She had even taken Emma's bedroom door off its hinges in order to keep a closer eye on her daughter. Emma knew her mom had done it because Emma's psychiatrist, Dr. Sanchez, recommended it, due to Emma's recent self-harming behaviors and suicide attempts. However, Emma knew that her mom actually cared very little about her; in fact, Emma truly believed that her mom wouldn't care if Emma actually did succeed in killing herself.

Clenching her fists as hard as she could, Emma let out a sob. She wanted to cut herself so bad in order to relieve the emotional pain that was currently overwhelming her. The numerous linear scars on her forearms and thighs were telltales of the previous cutting that she had done. In a way, Emma regretted injuring herself to the point where it left a permanent mark, but at the same time, it was an addiction. As soon as she had finished cutting herself, Emma would start to calm down and gather her emotions together.

Now that she was deprived of her methods of self-harm, Emma felt like she could not stop crying. Her mind was racing with thoughts of Carter, and she kept replaying the scenario in which he died over and over again in her head. Once again, she covered her face with her hands and sobbed. She had never felt so depressed and guilty in her life. All she wanted to do was die, but she wasn't even allowed that. It was torture just to be alive.

Emma cried so hard she was beginning to feel nauseous. She was hyperventilating, her throat ached, and her head throbbed with pain. Suddenly, Emma began to retch. Quickly jumping off the bed, she collapsed on her knees down on the floor and began to vomit. Luckily, Emma's stomach was empty, so the only thing that came up was a small amount of some clear, slimy saliva-like liquid.

With her hands shaking, Emma slowly picked herself up from the floor and wiped the spit from her mouth with the back of her hand. Her entire body felt weak and shaky, and all she wanted to do was to lie down. Crawling back into bed, Emma lay down on her right side and covered her frail body with blankets. Breathing heavily, she closed her eyes and tried to get some sleep, but the pounding in her head was just enough to keep her awake. Her eyes ached from crying and her stomach still felt upset.

Opening her eyes, Emma glanced at her phone, which was lying on her nightstand. It was almost morning, she realized. Another night had gone by with no sleep at all. Although Emma had struggled with insomnia since she was a kid, it had gotten considerably worse after Carter's death. Before, Emma would generally fall asleep sometime in the middle of the night, but now, she was going entire nights without any sleep whatsoever. Sighing, Emma turned over on her other side and closed her eyes once again. After tossing and turning several more times, she finally fell into a light, restless sleep.

~

Emma! It's time to get up!

Emma groaned as she woke up to the sound of her mom's nagging voice shouting from the doorway. Turning over in bed, Emma pulled the blanket over her face to shield her aching eyes from the ceiling light that her mom had flipped on.

Come on, it's almost noon! Emma's mom shouted as she walked over to the bedside and mercilessly grabbed the blanket and yanked it off of Emma's naked body. Get your lazy ass out of bed!

Shivering, Emma curled up in the fetal position while stretching out a hand to search for another blanket.

Emma! her mom barked. If I have to tell you one more time, you're in deep trouble!

With that remark, Emma knew she had better get moving, otherwise she would receive a lecture, reminding her of how lazy she was for sleeping in until noon. If her mom was in a really bad mood, she wouldn't hesitate to make Emma scrub the floors with a toothbrush, cut the lawn with a scissors, or do some other dreaded chore.

Slowly sitting up at the edge of her bed, Emma rubbed the sleep from her tired eyes. Her head ached, and her entire body was worn out from tossing and turning all night. Her disheveled, blonde hair fell around her lifeless face, for she hadn't combed it for days. Her blue eyes had dark circles under them, in contrast to her pale skin. Emma felt utterly exhausted from the lack of sleep, and the only thing she wanted right now was to go back to sleep and never wake up.

Come on, Emma! Emma's mom nagged as she continued to stand in the doorway with a hand on her hip. Get some clothes on! Let's go!

Standing up, Emma stumbled over to her closet, opened it up, and looked inside. She was so tired that she felt dizzy and nauseous immediately upon standing. Pulling out a gray, lacy tank top, Emma slipped it on, barely covering her breasts. Taking out a pair of black yoga capris, she stepped into them and pulled them up over her bare butt. Turning around, she picked her phone up off the nightstand and followed her mom out of the room.

You need to eat something for breakfast, Emma's mom stated as they arrived downstairs.

I'm not hungry, Emma insisted, flopping down on the living room couch and scrolling through the notifications on her phone.

I don't care, Emma's mom retorted. Do you wanna go back to the psych ward and have them stick another feeding tube in you?

No, Emma mumbled as she typed a reply to a text from Lizzie. She absolutely did not want another feeding tube; in fact, Emma hated it with a passion. She despised the tan-colored formula she was fed, for it made her feel nauseous, gassy, and bloated. It also gave her severe, uncontrollable diarrhea; there was more than one time where Emma had accidentally pooped her pants, making a fool of herself.

Then find something to eat! Emma's mom commanded with impatience in her voice.

But I told you I'm not hungry! Emma whined. Just the very thought of food was already making her feel sick to her stomach.

And I told you that I don't care whether you're hungry or not! Emma's mom yelled. "Now get into the kitchen and find yourself something to eat! Do you want another feeding tube or not?!"

"You can't even afford to get me another feeding tube," Emma replied smugly, burying her face in her phone.

"Do not talk about what we can and can't afford, you little shithead! Emma's mom screamed angrily slapping Emma on the cheek. If it means teaching you a lesson, then by all means we can afford it!"

Why can't you just leave me alone and stop obsessing over when I eat?! Emma cried, holding her cheek with tears forming in her eyes. It's none of your fucking business!

You watch your language, young lady! Emma's mom yelled, pointing a finger at her. Or I'll fill your mouth with soap!

You just called me a shithead two seconds ago! Emma screamed, throwing her phone on the couch and glaring at her mother.

Because that's exactly what you are! Emma's mom taunted, putting her hands on her hips. "You're nothing but a senseless, spoiled, lazy little brat. You expect me to feed you and clean up after you and do your laundry for free, and you never lift a finger to help me out! You eat up all my savings with your stupid hospital bills and therapy payments, yet you continue to act like a shithead and do the same shit over and over and over! Well, I'm sick of your pathetic little attitude, you piece of shit! You're selfish, inconsiderate, lazy, and irresponsible! You care about nobody but yourself! And I'm sick of it!"

Emma was in tears by the time her mom finished her rant. Deep down inside, she knew she was nothing but trouble, and this speech that she had just heard proved it. Her heart hurt and she was more suicidal than ever. All Emma wanted was to die, yet somehow, she was forced to keep living her miserable life. Then why don't you let me kill myself?! Emma sobbed, covering her face with her hands. Before her mom could reply, Emma jumped off the couch and ran upstairs to her room. Throwing herself on her bed, she buried her face in her pillow, soaking it with tears. Emma's entire body was shaking uncontrollably as she sobbed, and she was almost at the point of hyperventilation. This was Emma's everyday life, and she hated it. All she wanted was to end her life in order to escape it all, but her mom had made it nearly impossible. It was like her mom wanted to keep her alive just to watch her suffer. At least that's what it felt like to Emma.

A Scare At The Pool

Emma lay stretched out on her beach towel with her hands tucked behind her head, staring up at the bright, blue sky. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a side braid, which was resting over her left shoulder, and over her blue eyes were a pair of trendy sunglasses. She was wearing a cheeky white string bikini, showing off her small-boned, skinny body. At five feet, three inches tall, Emma barely tipped the scale at 82 pounds. Her stomach was sunken, her hip bones stuck out drastically, and there was a large thigh gap between her thin legs. It was a hot day and the sun shone brightly; the heat felt amazing to Emma, who usually felt chilly.

Emma, who would be turning fourteen next month, was spending her day at the Cambridge Community Pool with her best friend Lizzie. Emma had met Lizzie in the beginning of seventh grade, back when she was still friends with Maggie and Ashlyn. However, after a huge misunderstanding with her former childhood best friend Hannah, Maggie and Ashlyn had decided that Emma wasn't a very good influence for them and ultimately cut off their friendship.

At first, Emma did not feel like going to the pool when Lizzie invited her, but Lizzie insisted and Emma finally gave in after several failed attempts at excuses. Emma’s depression had been at its worst since she had lost Carter, and nothing seemed to make her feel better. However, Emma did end up feeling a little better once she arrived at the pool and started sunbathing. Plus, hanging out with Lizzie provided some distraction from Emma’s intrusive negative thoughts.

Suddenly, Emma felt cold water being poured on her bare belly. It was such a shock to her system that she instantaneously sat up and screamed.

Well, that's what you get for being lazy! A familiar high-pitched voice giggled.

Taking off her sunglasses, Emma blinked and saw Lizzie standing in front of her with a pail in her hand. Lizzie was of short stature, but was an average weight, and her dyed blue hair was pulled back in a wet, messy ponytail. Like Emma, Lizzie was also wearing a string bikini, except hers had black and white stripes on it.

Behind Lizzie, the pool was bustling with activity. Parents were helping their toddlers swim in the shallow end. Kids with inflatable tubes were swimming and splashing each other in the deep end. And there were people like Emma, who preferred to lie around on their towels, soaking up the sun.

I'll get you back, Lizzie! Emma called as she got up and started running after her friend, with the intent of pushing her into the pool.

Lizzie screamed, turned around, and ran away from Emma as fast as she could. Emma chased after her, dodging sunbathers and children, until a shrill whistle sounded behind them.

Both girls stopped in their tracks and turned around to see an angry lifeguard standing behind them, his hands on his hips. His muscular arms and shoulders could be seen under his red T-shirt, which had a white cross on the back. He wore a baseball cap over his dark hair, and his fiery blue glare penetrated Emma to the bone. You girls need to slow the hell down, he snapped. No running allowed here.

Emma hung her head in shame as she instantly recognized the lifeguard as her friend Heidi's older brother Shane. He had an abrasive personality and fiery blue eyes to match. He had made Emma cry on more than one occasion, so now Emma was afraid of him more than anything. Okay, Emma mumbled, glancing over at Lizzie, who had a frown on her face. The fact that Emma was being scolded like a child embarrassed her. In one month, she would be fourteen years old! She wasn't a child anymore. Why did everyone always treat her like one? However, despite a fleeting mass of thoughts against Shane, Emma stayed silent. She did not want to cause a scene and make the whole situation worse.

We weren't running!

When Emma heard Lizzie's saucy response, she cringed. She knew that Lizzie often overreacted to situations, making them ten times worse than what they actually were. Clasping her hands together in front of her, Emma braced for the worst.

Oh yes you were! Shane retorted. Don't play games with me! I know what you were doing!

You know nothing! Lizzie snapped, putting her hands on her bare hips defiantly. I told you we weren't running, you big fat liar!

Shane clenched his fists and bit his lip, as if he was trying his hardest to control himself. One more word from you little piece of shit and I'm kicking you out of the pool! he snarled.

Emma knew she had to intervene before things got bad. Taking Lizzie by the hand, she pulled her away from Shane. Come on, let's go, Emma begged, hoping to avoid any more trouble. I wanna get in the water.

Fine, Lizzie muttered as Emma led her towards the edge of the pool. I'm not letting that damn lifeguard tell me what to do! I can do whatever I want!

Let's see who can jump the farthest! Emma exclaimed, changing the subject. She stood at the edge of the pool with her toes pointing forward, staring longingly at the blue, sparkly water in front of her.

Okay, Lizzie agreed, standing beside Emma and swinging her short arms back and forth. Ready...set....jump!

Emma took a deep breath and leaped off of the pool's edge as hard as she could, plunging into the water below. She felt herself sinking down to the floor of the pool. Once her feet touched the bottom, she pushed off as hard as she could and her whole body plunged upwards. Finally, her head emerged from the surface.

Emma wiped the water from her eyes and looked around as she treaded water. Lizzie was several inches away, her blue head bobbing up and down.

Sweetie! Over here! Lizzie called, waving her hands up and down.

Emma swam over towards her friend. Good job, she told Lizzie.

Thanks, Lizzie stated with a cocky tone in her voice. Back in Ohio, I used to be on the swim team. And I was really good at it. My favorite stroke is the butterfly. One time, we had a swim meet and we were supposed to swim the butterfly. And I passed this one girl who was winning by grabbing her foot when I was underwater. She never knew what hit her, and I won the race.

Emma listened patiently as Lizzie rambled on about her swimming experience in Ohio, which eventually turned into another long story about her life. When Lizzie finally quit talking, Emma was starting to grow tired and short of breath from treading water. She hasn't slept much last night either, which was only making her feel worse. She hoped that Lizzie would lead them towards the shallow end soon.

Now let's see who can swim to the other side the fastest, Lizzie stated. I bet I'll win. I'm the fastest when I swim the butterfly.

Okay, Emma breathed as she struggled to stay afloat. Her muscles were starting to ache; she had not eaten lunch before coming to the pool and her stomach rumbled with hunger. But Emma knew she had to go with Lizzie's ideas or Lizzie might get mad if things didn't go her way. Emma just hoped that she could rest afterwards.

Ready? Set, go! Lizzie shouted as she started swimming away. Oh! And at the end, you have to touch the bottom of the pool!

Emma's heart dropped upon hearing those words. She was so tired that she could barely stay afloat. Now, in addition to swimming to the other end of the pool, she had to go underwater and touch the bottom. She swam as fast as she could, but struggled to keep up with Lizzie.

Needless to say, Lizzie reached the end before Emma, then disappeared underwater in order to touch the bottom. Emma's legs and arms were cramping terribly as she finally grabbed onto the ladder at the end of the pool. After taking a deep breath and squeezing her eyes shut, she started propelling herself down towards the bottom.

Down, down, down went Emma. Finally, she felt her toes touch the bottom. A feeling of relief washed over Emma as she pushed against the floor of the pool to push herself back up.

But something was wrong. Emma felt like she was taking way too long to reach the surface. She couldn't see anything with her eyes closed, so she didn't notice that her bikini bottom was caught on the ladder. All she knew was that she needed air, and she needed it quickly. Kicking her legs as hard as she could, Emma reached her arms upward, but couldn't feel anything. What was going on?

Emma's eyes popped open, but she couldn't see anything underwater. She kicked as hard as she could, but ended up scraping her right foot on the sharp, metal ladder. Wincing in pain, Emma cradled her foot with her hands as a red streak of blood leaked from her wound and dissipated in the water.

Finally, Emma couldn't hold her breath anymore. She opened her mouth and gasped for air, but only received water in return. Her nose, throat, and chest burned as she inhaled. To make matters worse, Emma's limbs were cramping so much that she couldn't move them anymore. Emma was positive she was going to die right here, in the pool. Maybe this would be the answer to her prayers. Emma had wanted to die so badly; peacefulness filled her heart as she stopped struggling and let her body go limp.

Just as Emma was forced to take another breath in, she felt a strong grip on her upper arm pull her out of the water, ripping her bikini bottom off and leaving it behind. Emma started coughing and sputtering as soon as her head came above water, and she felt herself being dragged across the cement, laid on her side in the shade, and a towel draped over the lower half of her body.

Gasping for breath, Emma started throwing up all the water she swallowed. Her nose and throat burned with both the pool water and her acidic stomach contents. Her chest also burned terribly from breathing in water, and her muscles were too weak to move. All she could do was lie there limply with her eyes closed.

You okay? a familiar voice asked.

Opening her eyes slowly, Emma saw a lifeguard sitting beside her. It was Shane, who had yelled at her and Lizzie earlier for running. His baseball cap shaded his blue eyes, but Emma could see concern written on his face. She nodded her head weakly.

Do you want me to call an ambulance? Shane asked, carefully studying Emma as she lay there helplessly.

Emma coughed a few big coughs, then shook her head. She felt awful right now, but she didn't want to go to the hospital. Emma knew that her mom was still paying bills from her last few visits, and she didn't want to burden her even more.

Sweetie! Are you okay? Lizzie's voice shouted from afar. The pitter-patter of bare feet on cement grew louder as Lizzie ran towards her friend.

You little brat! Shane shouted, quickly getting up from Emma's side. What did I say about running?!

I'm trying to see if my best friend is okay! Lizzie retorted. Now get out of my way!

I'm the one who saved your friend! You get out of my way!

I don't have to listen to you!

Yes, you do, unless you want to be kicked out of this pool!

Emma felt embarrassed on behalf of Lizzie. Why did her friend always clash with authority? As painful as it was, Emma slowly sat up. She wanted to distract Lizzie from the argument before it got out of hand.

You're not kicking me out of the pool, dammit!

Lizzie's shrill voice pierced Emma's ears before she even had a chance to say anything. Lizzie! Please stop! Emma begged in desperation. Her heart raced with fear and her mind played worst case scenarios of what might happen next.

Don't tell me what to do, Emma! Lizzie cried with tears in her eyes. I thought you were my friend! I thought you would be on my side! Not his!

Emma felt the blood drain from her face. Not only had she been in the middle of an argument between her friend and Shane, but now Lizzie was placing the blame on her. I never said I was on anyone's side! Emma cried, bursting into tears. So far, her day had been a disaster. First, she almost drowned, and now, her best friend was mad at her.

However, just as Emma was about to cover her face with her hands and cry, she saw Shane roughly grab Lizzie by the arm and lead her away, angrily muttering something in her ear. She then heard Lizzie start to sob as she was led to a bench on the other side of the pool. Emma curiously watched as Shane pointed to the bench, indicating for Lizzie to sit down. Lizzie obeyed as tears ran down her cheeks, and Shane left her there and headed back to Emma.

You still doing okay? Shane asked Emma as he placed a hand on his hip.

Yeah, Emma replied, sniffling, gazing over at Lizzie, wondering what Shane had said to her. Thanks for helping me.

No problem, Shane replied casually. I had to remove your little friend from the situation because she was blowing things way out of proportion.

That's okay, Emma replied, secretly relieved that Lizzie wasn't around. I'm sorry she caused so much trouble.

Ah whatever, Shane waved his hand in dismissal. Nothing I haven't dealt with before. He briefly glanced in Lizzie's direction, then back at Emma. I have to go now. Let me know if you have any more problems, though.

Okay, thanks, Emma thanked him as he walked away. She tried to wrap her head around everything that had happened. What if Shane had not been there to save her? What if she had actually drowned?

It wasn't long before Lizzie came trotting over to Emma. Strands of her wet blue hair hung in her face and her hazel eyes burned with anger. That damn lifeguard! He wouldn't even let me see if you were okay! Lizzie fumed.

Emma didn't agree with what Lizzie was saying at all. She knew that, despite making her cry in the past, Shane had saved her life. If it weren't for him, she would probably be dead right now. Despite wanting to die, Emma felt gratitude towards Shane for helping her. However, Emma knew she had to take Lizzie's side or her friend would get mad. Yeah, Emma agreed reluctantly.

He grabbed by the arm, and it hurt! Lizzie whined, with tears forming in her eyes. He told me that I was being a little shit, and that my parents did a crappy job of parenting me! She sniffled as a tear ran down her face. Well, he doesn't know that my mom died of brain cancer, she continued. That's why I act the way I do, Emma. No one else realizes that. No one else except you, Emma. She leaned in to give Emma a hug.

Emma felt a bit uncomfortable as she returned Lizzie's embrace. She knew that Lizzie was in the wrong, in spite of blaming everything on the fact she had lost her mom. But she didn't dare challenge her friend on anything. Lizzie had a temper like nothing else,