Blow It Out Your Rear! Fart Loud, Proud and With Finesse

By Ben Dover

Ladies and gentlemen, dive into the hilarious and sometimes windy world of "Blow It Out Your Rear! Fart Loud, Proud and With Finesse," a book that cuts through the silence on one of humanity's most natural, yet taboo, acts. Bursting with fart-fueled folklore, historical hindsights, and a gassy array of flatulence facts, this book offers a cheeky exploration of the cultural and social impact of farts around the globe. From the secretive Sphinx's riddle to the explosive Bavarian Thunderclap, uncover how farts have left their mark throughout history. Perfect for anyone who has ever laughed at a fart joke (which is to say, everyone), this book promises to elicit guffaws and gasps, proving that when it comes to the art of the fart, it's best to embrace the breeze and let it fly!

 

Why do we fart? How have farts changed history? And, most importantly, why are they so darn funny? Delve deep into a topic that has provided comedy gold for centuries yet is often only whispered about in polite company. From the secretive Sphinx's riddle to the explosive Bavarian Thunderclap, discover how different cultures around the globe have embraced, or at least tolerated, the human air machine.

 

With wit as sharp as the pungent sting of a particularly robust toot, this book provides a historical perspective on the fart, exploring its influence in politics, entertainment, and even romance. Learn about the grand symphony of smells and the musicians who play the buttocks with more finesse than a maestro at the orchestra. Each chapter offers a gust of fresh (or not so fresh) insight into the ways flatulence has shaped our world, from the ancient philosophers who pondered the nature of farts to modern-day heroes who wield their wind with pride and humor.

 

"Blow It Out Your Rear!" is not only a compendium of fart facts and stories but also a manifesto of empowerment. It encourages readers to embrace their inner tooter with pride and laugh at the absurdity of it all. Here, you'll find everything from the softest puffs to the most thunderous releases, classified with the care of a botanist categorizing exotic plants. Who knew that the "silent but deadly," the "cheek flapper," and the "nervous squeaker" could have so much rich context?

 

This book is a perfect read for anyone who ever laughed at a fart joke (and let's be honest, who hasn't?), making it an ideal gift for the gassy or just plain gassy-at-heart in your life. It's time to kick back, relax, and let loose with an explosive collection of anecdotes, historical tidbits, and scientific musings that will not only entertain but enlighten.

 

"Blow It Out Your Rear! Fart Loud, Proud and With Finesse" guarantees belly laughs and gasps of astonishment, ensuring that you'll never look at farting the same way again. So, hold your nose, open your mind, and get ready to be carried away by the most compelling, uproarious book about farts ever written. After all, in a world full of pressure, sometimes the best relief comes not from silence, but from a good, loud fart.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Calico GOLD
• Release date: May 7, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224948376

Book preview

Dedication

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This book is dedicated to those who have been walking through life, burdened by the pent up pressure that often goes denied for too long, until nothing can hold it back.  The Winds of Change impact us all, for when these winds present themselves, we all change our locations as quickly as possible.

To the women who have endured the tactless eruptions of their partner, we know, when given the chance, you are even more lethal when your competitive spirit blasts out upon us.

To the men, whose Sunday sports game would not be complete without the game sounding of the horn.

To the children, whose growth may be stunted or fertilized by over exposure to their parents bombs.

To the world of those who continue to bless us through this art form of expression.

Life is a blast, so fart loud, proud and with finesse.

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Table of Contents

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter 1—From Cleopatra to Joe Biden: A List and History of Famous Farters

Chapter 2—Love Stinks: Farting in Relationships

Chapter 3—Fartology 101: Trivia, Myths, and Urban Legends About Passing Gas

Chapter 4—Aging Like Fine Wine: Why We Fart Better with Age

Chapter 5—Gone With The Broken Wind: Farting for the Sake of Your Health

Chapter 6—Fart Fu: Mastering the Art of the ‘Silent But Deadly’ Fart

Chapter 7—The Fart Olympics: Competitive Gas Passers and Record Holders

Chapter 8—Breaking Wind in High Society: Frankly Scarlette, I don’t give a damn!

Chapter 9—Blast From The Past: How Farts Have Shaped Human History

Chapter 10—The Space Odyssey: Farting Where No Man Has Dared To Go Before"

Chapter 11—Farting Across Cultures: A Global Tour of Gas Passing Traditions

Chapter 12—Toot Suite: Hilarious Names Assigned to Different Sounding Farts"

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Introduction

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Welcome, dear reader, to a gust of literary fresh air—or perhaps, not so fresh, depending on your proximity to the nearest open window. Blow It Out Your Rear! Fart Loud, Proud and With Finesse is not just a book; it’s a celebration, a manifesto, and a hearty belly laugh at one of humanity’s most universal and unspoken experiences. If you’ve ever let one rip, cut the cheese, or passed the wind, you’re in good company. This tome is dedicated to the art and science, the history and mystery, of farts.

In these pages, we embark on a rollicking journey through the gassy underbelly of human culture, from the hallowed halls of ancient empires, where emperors and peasants alike broke wind with impunity, to the delicate drawing rooms of Victorian society, where every tushy toot was a potential social landmine. We’ll explore the pungent impact of farts across ages—how they’ve influenced politics, culture, and even the course of true love. After all, behind every great man is a great wind.

Farting is a natural part of life—it’s the democratic bodily function, respecter of no person, rich or poor, powerful or humble. It’s a reminder that no matter how high we might rise, we all sit down the same way. This book pays homage to this great leveler with wit sharper than a stiletto and insights deeper than the belly from which the best barks are born.

Let us address the elephant in the room—or should we say, the elephant’s trumpet? Farts are funny. They’re nature’s joke, the whoopee cushion placed by evolution under the cushion of civilization. They have the unique ability to add humor to the stiffest of upper lips, and to bring a giggle to the most genteel of gatherings. Yet, beneath the laughter (and the occasional wrinkled nose) lies a rich tapestry of cultural significance, scientific curiosity, and medical marvel.

From the silent but deadly that slips unnoticed into the ether, to the thunderous applause that refuses to be ignored, each fart tells a story. Is it a tale of a meal triumphantly enjoyed, or a digestive disagreement loudly declared? In this book, we’ll decode these stories, offering a sniff, if you will, of the complex bouquet that makes up the world of wind-breaking.

We’ll meet characters whose farts have echoed through history—the philosophers who pondered them, the kings who commanded them, and the jokers who celebrated them. We’ll dive into the etiquette of the discreet cheek squeak, and stand proudly with those who announce their presence with a fanfare. We'll uncover the unspoken rules of the toot, and perhaps break a few along the way.

As you turn these pages, filled with tales tall and true, remember that to embrace the fart is to embrace humanity itself. So, pull up a chair (but maybe not a leather one, those tend to amplify), and prepare to be whisked away by the winds of history. Laugh, learn, and maybe lean to one side, as we delve deep into the art of fart with gusto.

So here's to Blow It Out Your Rear! Fart Loud, Proud and With Finesse—your ultimate guide to the lore and lure of the backside’s bravado. Let’s crack open the book like a dawn chorus, and may your understanding of farts be forever changed. After all, life is too short not to appreciate every toot and hoot.

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Chapter 1

From Cleopatra to Joe Biden:

A List and History of Famous Farters

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Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed readers, and connoisseurs of cultured chuckles, welcome to a historical romp through the lighter, or perhaps we should say, ‘lighter-than-air’ aspects of history. From Cleopatra to Joe Biden: A List and History of Famous Farters ventures where no historian dares. Here, we explore not the battles won or laws passed, but the moments between—the puffs that have punctuated the poise of the world’s most renowned figures.

The annals of history are replete with kings and queens who ruled with an iron fist and sat upon thrones of gold, but let us not forget the moments they sat upon less regal seats—the porcelain thrones, if you will. It is said that Louis XIV, known for his love of grandeur and opulence, ensured even his flatulence was fit for a king. Courtiers would politely clap to cover the sound, making every royal release a standing ovation. Queen Elizabeth I, a woman of sharp wit and sharper tongue, once quipped that a throne was the only seat where she could truly release her decrees without objection.

Moving from the royal to the political, let us consider the pungent policies of those in power. It is a lesser-known fact that Benjamin Franklin, a founding father not just of America but also of flatulent freedom, penned an essay titled Fart Proudly. Franklin argued that scientific inquiry should include the quest for making farts smell pleasant—truly a declaration of independence from olfactory oppression. Fast forward to modern times, and political hot air takes a literal form. Picture parliamentary debates, where the only thing more heated than the speeches are the seats after a long session.

Hollywood, land of glitz, glamour, and the occasional gas. Celebrities, they’re just like us, but their farts make headlines. Consider the plight of a famous actress, who during a silent, tense scene of a blockbuster, let loose a sound so sharp, it could have scored an Oscar for best sound editing. Or the rock star whose on-stage pyrotechnics were dangerously fueled by more than just stage effects—truly a performance that brought the house down.

Not all historical emissions were so light-hearted. Take Julius Caesar, who reportedly suffered from bouts of flatulence during senate meetings—a fact Brutus found particularly offensive, perhaps adding a layer of motive to that infamous betrayal. Then there's Napoleon, whose strategic retreat from Russia was hastened by more than just the cold—turns out, beans and battle plans don’t mix well.

In the golden age of cinema, stars were revered as gods and goddesses, their images meticulously crafted. Little did the public know that the retakes and pauses during filming were often necessitated by not lines forgotten, but lines of another sort entirely made up of digestive declarations, if you will. Marilyn Monroe, with her fluttering dress over a subway grate, wasn't the only icon producing memorable air currents on set.

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The Royal Rear: Monarchs and Their Memorable Methane

When one ponders the illustrious annals of monarchy, it's the crowns, the scepters, and the thrones that most often spring to mind. Yet, there exists a lesser-explored aspect of regal life, equally as pervasive and, dare we say, far more penetrating: the illustrious history of royal flatulence. Here, within the velvet-cushioned confines of palaces, where the air is thick with the scent of opulence (and occasionally something a tad more sulfuric), lies a tale of 'memorable methane.'

To embark on this regal journey, we turn first to the court of England, where digestive diplomacy has often taken the form of well-timed toots. Legend whispers of Queen Elizabeth I, a sovereign so sharp that even her bowels seemingly bowed to her command. Historical transcripts adjusted for truth (and humor) suggest that she once quipped to an overly solemn ambassador, We hope, sir, that you are not offended, for we have merely opened the gates to give air to the room, which seemed overfull with your flattery. Thus, with a flutter of her royal rear, she set the tone for an era where even the flatus of the queen was deemed a breezy reprieve from the stuffiness of courtly pretensions.

Herald the Wind: Royal Weddings and the Fart of Matrimony

Royal weddings, those grand spectacles of union, have not been immune to the clandestine crepitation of noble buttocks. Consider the grand affair of Prince Charles and Lady Diana, a televised global event where millions held their breath in awe—and perhaps, in hindsight, it wasn't just because of the fairy-tale ambiance. Sources who prefer to remain anonymous (for they value their heads) suggest that amidst the vows, there was a vow of silence regarding the nervous nuptial poots that punctuated the ceremony, forever sealing their union in a shared secret of matrimonial methane.

Knights of the Gaseous Table

Across the Channel and back a few centuries, we find King Louis XIV of France, whose reign was as long as the list of his digestive woes. The Sun King, with a stomach as stormy as his disposition, was known to conduct meetings while comfortably seated on his 'throne'—and we speak not of the gilded chair of state. His advisors, ever so tactful, termed these sessions 'les moments de légèreté' (moments of lightness), a delicate euphemism for what was undoubtedly a baroque barrage of royal rumbles.

The Phantom of the Opera: Flatulence in the Royal Theater

No discussion of regal gas would be complete without a nod to the cultural contributions of the Russian Tsars, who were as fond of the arts as they were of robust meals. It is said that during a particularly stirring performance at the Mariinsky Theatre, Tsar Nicholas II, moved by the crescendo of Tchaikovsky's violins, contributed his own basso profundo to the orchestral swell. The event was later described by the polite St. Petersburg press as an evening of unprecedented resonance, a testament to the Tsar's deep appreciation of the musical arts.

A Drafty Palace: Queen Victoria and the Winds of Change

Returning to the British Isles, Queen Victoria, emblem of propriety, was not spared the human condition's more pressing demands. Rumors swirl like the mists of the Scottish Highlands that the phrase We are not amused was not, in fact, a comment on an unsavory jest, but rather a discreet complaint about the drafty corridors of Windsor Castle, which were notorious for amplifying unwanted echoes of royal indiscretions. Thus, her reign introduced a new architectural innovation: the strategic placement of heavy drapes, not for decoration, but for their ability to muffle the sound of escaping airs.

Every Monarch Needs a Release

In the grand tapestry of history, where battles and treaties form the weft and warp, there lies a subtle, often overlooked thread: the royal fart. It is a humble reminder that beneath the robes of state and crowns of glory, monarchs are merely mortals—bound by the same biological necessities as their subjects. So, the next time you hear a tale of kings and queens, remember the royal rears. They remind us that, in the end, all human endeavors, no matter how grand, are subject to the whims of our humble bodies.

This journey through the annals of regal digestion not only offers a whiff of the past but also underscores a universal truth: no one, not even a monarch, can escape the call of nature. In every royal decree, perhaps there was also a discreet decree to 'clear the air,' making the halls of power not just corridors of governance but sanctuaries of human sincerity

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Politicians and Their Pungent Policies: A Political Windstorm

In the gusty corridors of political power, where the wind of words never ceases, there exists an even mightier force—a force so potent that it has shaped policies, parted political seas, and propelled leaders into the annals of airy infamy. Yes, dear reader, we venture now into the realm of politicians and their pungent policies, where every legislative session is just a cover for a session of legislative gases.

The Silent But Deadly Caucus

The history of political flatulence is as old as politics itself. In ancient Rome, where the Senate ruled and debated the fate of empires, it was the quiet but potent emissions that often dictated the pace and pause of political discourse. Cicero, famed for his oratory skills, was perhaps even more adept at strategically timed releases—his colleagues knew well that when Cicero paused for emphasis, the real emphasis was on not breathing.

The Declaration of Indigestion

Fast forward to the founding of the United States, where the hallowed halls of the Continental Congress witnessed not just the birth of a nation, but the birth of a new form of political expression. Legend has it that during the signing of the Declaration of Independence, a nervous John Hancock, overwhelmed by the gravity of the occasion (and perhaps the gravitas of his lunch), signed his name with such force that he punctured not only the future of a new country but also the olfactory senses of his fellow signatories.

The Gaseous Gavel: Parliamentary Procedures

Across the pond in the United Kingdom, the House of Commons has long been a chamber of secrets—secret farts, that is. The notorious green benches are as much a tribute to the verdant fields of England as they are to the efforts to mask the less-than-verdant releases of its members. It is whispered that the real reason behind the Speaker's cry of Order! Order! is not to silence the rowdy MPs, but to restore olfactory order to the chamber after particularly robust debates.

The Windy City: Political Campaigns and Their Atmospheric Effects

Political campaigns, especially in the modern era, are hotbeds of pressure, stress, and, inevitably, gas. Campaign buses, packed with aides, advisors, and the occasional unsuspecting journalist, become moving chambers of methane. It's a little-known fact that the rise in popularity of open-air rallies was not just for the gathering of large crowds but also a necessary measure to dissipate the