CH!NK

By Don Yuan

What do you do if a Black person calls you a ch*nk? Does soy milk turn you gay? Do Asian men have small cocks? These, and other important questions, answered here for your benefit. CH!NK is an outrageous

• Language: English
• Publisher: Don Yuan
• Release date: Feb 29, 2024
• ISBN: 9798989479511

Book preview

CH!NK

Don Yuan

Don Yuan

Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Don Yuan

Disclaimer

Dedication

Introduction

1. CHINKY ORIGINS

2. SMALL COCKS

3. INTERRACIAL CHILDREN CANNOT GO TO HEAVEN

4. MODEL MINORITY

5. DATING AS AN ASIAN MAN

6. YELLOW FEVER

7. YELLOW FEVER, CONTINUED

8. HOT PORNSTAR TO THE RESCUE

9. ANOTHER NICE LESBIAN COUPLE

10. CHINESE RESTAURANT SYNDROME

11. HOLLYWOOD HATES ASIAN MEN

12. ASIAN MASCULINITY

13. YELLOW PERIL AND BLACK POWER

14. INTERLUDE

15. SHUT UP, CHINK!

16. TOWARDS A BLACKINESE FUTURE

17. BRUCE LEE

18. CONCLUSION

ARCHVAL IMAGE SOURCES

CH!NK

Don Yuan

Don Yuan

Copyright © 2023 by Don Yuan

All rights reserved.

No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher or author, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that neither the author nor the publisher is engaged in rendering legal, investment, accounting or other professional services. While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional when appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, personal, or other damages.

First edition 2024.

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Don Yuan

Name: Don Yuan

Pronouns: ching / chong

Ethnicity: Chinaman

Location: New York City

Interested in: ;)

Disclaimer

Disclaimer: while the commentary in this book references real persons and events, the opinions expressed here are satirical in nature. Some personal details about the author have been minimally embellished for dramatic effect. Names of certain private individuals have been changed to protect their identities.

Dedication

To every person who’s ever told me to go back to China: without your steady encouragement, this book would have never been written.

Thank you.

Introduction

AAPI < Asian < Oriental < Chinaman < Chink

Are you dating an Asian guy right now? Why not? Are you racist?

I also discuss food, and various racist conspiracies involving soy and rice. The Keto diet, for instance, is bullshit— and racist. Most diets are bullshit. But especially Keto.

My favorite movie is Rush Hour.

The end!

__

1. CHINKY ORIGINS

WHAT IS A CHINK?

I’m a chink. Does that make you uncomfortable? Embarrassed?

I can say it, because I’m Chinese. Chink chink chink chink. C-H-I-N-K.

But first, what even is a chink? I want to know what a chink is.

WHAT DOES WIKIPEDIA SAY ABOUT CHINK?

The following information is taken directly from the Wikipedia entry for the term Chink:

The Iron Chink

In 1905, a White American named Edmund A. Smith invented an automated fish-butchering machine— ostensibly to replace the skilled Chinese laborers known for their fish-butchering prowess. He named it the Iron Chink in their honor. Well, not their honor, exactly. More like a grudging homage. In any case, people think that this fish-butchering machine is the origin of the modern-day chink. The Iron Chink sounds like the name of some niche porno.

Pekin Chinks

Pekin, Illinois is an American town in the Midwest— named after Peking (known today as Beijing, China) because one of the early settlers thought it would be funny to name it after a place that was on the exact opposite side of the world from the town she founded. Interestingly, the Pekin Community High School District 303 sports teams were officially known as the Pekin Chinks until 1981. For obvious reasons, the teams were eventually rechristened the Pekin Dragons. I kind of liked the old name better. Just imagine the cheerleaders at Pekin Community High, jumping up and down with their pom-poms: Give me a C! Give me an H! Give me an I! Give me an N! Give me a K!… GO CHINKS GO!

The Chink and the Child

There’s a silent film from 1919 based on the short story, The Chink and the Child. Watch it— it’s up on YouTube for free. I prefer Rush Hour, but The Chink and the Child is an informative piece of history. A White actor plays a Chinese man. Great casting!

___

If it wasn’t clear, I am Asian.

My parents are from Wuhan, China. They brought the coronavirus to America— blame them, not me. Ain’t got nothing to do with me. Me, I’m a red-blooded American boy. All I’m missing is my gun.

___

WHO GETS TO BE ASIAN?

It’s actually very simple: in America, you’re Asian if you look Chinese. If you look vaguely oriental and slanty-eyed, you’re Asian. In America, Asian means East Asian— Chinese, Taiwanese, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Thai, Filipino, Lao, Cambodian, Indonesian, Malaysian, Singaporean. Everyone from these groups gets coded basically the same way; this is how America sees you, whether you like it or not; here, the cultural differences between groups get flattened out into a generic Orientalness. Of course, we Asians know who’s who. But for everyone else looking in? Yellow-skinned Orientals. That’s just how it is.

I’m aware that Asian has a different meaning in the U.K.— over there, Asian actually refers primarily to the Desi contingent: people of Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi/Sri Lankan origin. I don’t live in the U.K. I’m therefore excluding Desi people from this book. Sorry. Here in America, there is some confusion over whether Brown or Desi people count as Asian. The educated elite says yes: they increasingly use the term South Asian to describe this group— they’re invested in this idea that people from the subcontinent are Asian, too. But I’m not convinced. Yeah, yeah, those countries are technically on the landmass we call Asia— but so is Russia. Would you call Russians North Asians? Didn’t think so. The Desi crowd is its own thing; I don’t see why we need to call them Asian when everyone in America knows that what you really mean by Asian is East Asian. These fine Desi folks are culturally distinct from East Asians and look completely different from us (try telling me that Pakistani people and Korean people share some deep, intrinsic Asian-ness). In America, when somebody refers to an Asian person, we all know what they’re talking about. So in this book, I’m only talking about Chinese-looking people. Let’s get that straight.

AAPI

AAPI stands for Asian American and Pacific Islander. This is the checkbox I tick when I fill out the census. It’s also completely meaningless. AAPI implies some imagined kinship between a 4th generation Japanese American named Jeff Nakamura, newly arrived refugees from Sri Lanka, Jason Momoa’s grandparents, and some spoiled jerk like me from buttfuck Queens. I’ve never understood why Asians and Pacific Islanders are categorized together. What is it that we have in common, exactly? Squinty eyes? No, not even that— not if you include Aboriginals. I don’t get it.

The moronic embrace of terms like AAPI is actually the same idea as all Asians look alike. You can often find woke Asians saying stuff like I want to see more people who look like me. People who insist that we celebrate AAPI Heritage Month are insinuating that I— a 2nd generation New Yorker of Chinese descent— share a deep cultural affinity with some random guy in Tuvalu. This is dumb. But don’t ask me— ask the guy in Tuvalu what he thinks.

Again, Russia shares a border with China. So are Russian people AAPI?

___

TWO MORE ACRONYMS

There are two very important acronyms I’ll be using throughout this book:

WMAF: White Male, Asian Female. This refers to interracial couples where the guy is White, and the woman is Asian. You see them everywhere.

AMWF: Asian Male, White Female. This refers to interracial couples where the guy is Asian, and the woman is White. You do not see them everywhere.

What I just said tends to upset people. You’ll see why.

___

YEAR OF THE CHINK / RECLAIMING ASIAN IDENTITY

When I was in high school, we used to say enlightened things like race is a construct. This was the Martin Luther King Jr. approach: don’t judge a person by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. At the time, this seemed like a pretty good idea.

How quaint! What innocent times those were!

Since then, things have done a complete 180. Now, if you say that race is a construct or anything about a colorblind society, people call you a retrograde racist! The new Left has jettisoned MLK’s vision of racial equality and replaced it with the new hotness: anti-racism. We’re supposed to judge people by the color of their skin, they tell us. We must hold people to different standards based on their race (lower standards for Blacks, higher standards for Asians— unless it’s basketball). How dare you pretend to look past my race! That’s RACIST! In one of the most stunning reversals in my lifetime, Martin Luther King’s dream of a fair society is now associated with right-wing crackpots. What? MLK? Right-wing? How the fuck did we get here??

Celebrating your roots,— which began as a healthy and fun idea— has metastasized into a kind of tribal war dance. There has been a feverish retrenchment of ethnic identity and race-based solidarity; the idea that I inherently have more in common with people who look like me than I do with someone from a different race.

For example: it’s the Year of the Rabbit, and calls to celebrate AAPI heritage are flooding social media. Chinese lion dance troops and bug-eyed dragons hop through the streets of Chinatown; Asian American millennials post photos of their grandmothers. In this orgy of pan-Asian merrymaking, Japanese Americans and Cambodian Americans shed joyful tears of brotherhood (sorry, I mean allyship), reveling in their shared Asian-ness. The people who used to bristle at the idea that all Asians look alike are seemingly OK with flattening a diverse, unruly mass of oriental people into the tribe of people who look like me. Meanwhile, the half-Asian kids with White fathers and Asian mothers quietly disown their White side and join the festivities.

Speaking of which— there are a lot of half-Asian kids floating around these days. Instagram is full of these half-Asian, half-White millennials and Gen Zer’s broadcasting their biracial street cred— specifically, the offspring of White fathers and Asian mothers. This is a whole genre unto itself. These people think that being mixed race makes them interesting; they’re the ones spearheading the movement to reclaim Asian identity.

It’s similar to what’s happening among young people with mixed Indigenous/Native American heritage. It has become de rigueur for them to self-identity as Indigenous— even if their Native heritage is infinitesimal. I’ve met millennials raised by White American families who are 1/32nd Cherokee, or 1/64th Algonquin ¹— and who now identity solely as Native, and demand that we perceive them as 100% Native, too. This seems a bit crazy. Is a culturally American person, 63/64ths White, just as Indigenous as some guy living on a reservation up in North Dakota? I’ll be honest with you— that’s a tough sell. I’ve spent time with Native American people; it really ain’t the same thing, I’m afraid.

Almost all of the people I see on social media posting about reclaiming their Indigenous roots were raised in cushy White families. But they throw on some traditional clothes, rattle off a couple of phrases in Cree and voilà: they’re full-blown Native.

Half and quarter-Asians are doing exactly the same thing. They make irritating posts on Instagram, throwing in a few random Chinese or Korean characters for authenticity, slyly downplaying their White side and insisting that they’re just as Asian as anyone else; swapping out dad’s White last name for mom’s Asian name, Smith for Sakamoto; oh look, they’re in China or Japan, rediscovering their roots, pot-bellied White dad grinning from the sidelines; they’re in the activist game too, sticking up for other Asian Americans who look like them when someone gets beaten up for spreading the Chinese virus; oh look now they’ve ditched their first names too for something more exotic— Jennifer Peters is now Meiling ‘Pang’ Peters; guys, I’m Asian too! Ni hao!!!

There’s no way to measure how authentic your Asian-ness really is; it’s entirely self-reported. Even if you speak only English; even if you grew up eating pizza and burgers and soggy vegetables; even if you’ve never left the U.S.A.; even if you only know American movies and American music; none of that matters. If you say you’re Chinese, you are Chinese! Ching chang chong! This is my truth, motherfuckers! You can be whoever you say you are!

Unless you’re Rachel Dolezal.

___

NONBINARY TRANSRACIAL KOREAN

Remember Rachel Dolezal? The disgraced African American political activist? For those of you who don’t know the story: Rachel Dolezal was the president of a local branch of the NAACP (the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People)— an organization which advocates for the civil rights of Black Americans. Given her position, people naturally assumed that she was Black. But in 2015, a surprising disclosure brought her whole world crashing down: Rachel Dolezal, it turns out, is not Black. Her estranged parents, distressed by their daughter’s very public antipathy towards White folk, decided to come forward and set the record straight: Rachel Dolezal is, like them, 100% White. She just darkens her skin and wears her hair in a Black style. The ensuing scandal destroyed Dolezal’s career as a professor and activist; after being forced to admit that she had merely self-identified as Black— as opposed to actually being Black— she was forced out of her position at the NAACP and consigned to oblivion. Even today, Dolezal is the face of racial appropriation and inauthenticity. I kind of feel sorry for her.

In 2017, a writer named Rebecca Tuvel published an article in the feminist journal Hypatia where she compared the cases of trans woman Caitlyn Jenner (formerly Bruce Jenner) and Rachel Dolezal. She argued that people who accept Caitlyn Jenner as a trans woman ought to accept Rachel Dolezal as a transracial Black woman; that self-identifying as a Black woman was just as legitimate an act as Caitlyn Jenner’s self-identifying as a trans woman. Or the reverse: if you reject Dolezal’s claim to Blackness, then you should also reject Caitlyn Jenner’s claim to womanhood. It was an interesting question— forcing us to explain why transgenderism is sacred, but transracialism is an abomination. The woke mob didn’t think it was interesting though. Tuvel and the journal were summarily thrashed on social media— mostly by people who hadn’t even read the article. The writer was accused of transphobia, racism, and of committing actual violence against trans people. As far as I know, there were no real arguments put forth; it was mostly just screeching platitudes about how ancestry and collective trauma from racism defined the Black experience in a way that a White outsider could never understand. But these people failed to explain why a very affluent White man— who never experienced the humiliations of growing up female— had a free pass to identify as the woman that she always was inside after enjoying unearned male privilege for more than six decades. Rebecca Tuvel was simply pointing out a possible double standard that had never been adequately interrogated. It was, and still is, a really interesting question.

So why is it okay for people to self-identify as male or female or nonbinary— but not ok for people to self-identity as Black? And why is it fine for quarter-Asian people from Berkeley to self-identity as Asian? Who gets to be Asian?

Does a K-pop-crazed White guy get to be Asian?

In 2021, a White British man named Oli London publicly came out as a nonbinary transracial Korean. After living in South Korea for one year to teach English, he quickly became BTS-crazed and made a startling decision: he would get plastic surgery to make his face look Korean. Once the procedure was done, he made a Twitter post announcing his new identity. He was no longer British; rather, they were Korean, and considered South Korea their homeland. Oh, and they also married a cardboard cutout of Jimin from BTS.

This story left the online woke inquisitors… conflicted. First, they denounced London’s transracial identity as a racist, illegitimate vanity project and an act of cultural appropriation. But in the same breath, they piously affirmed London’s nonbinary gender identity— insisting that it must be respected. It was quite a spectacle, seeing these people condemning and defending someone with equal enthusiasm; a kind of ideological contortionist act, like a circus freak folding themselves into a pretzel. Right-wing commentators quickly descended on the incident, flocking like vultures to a dying animal. People like Ben Shapiro gleefully weighed in— correctly identifying the absurdity of the episode and taking this golden opportunity to troll the libs. They jokingly defended London’s transracial identity— but only in order to point out woke hypocrisy on the subject of transgenderism versus transracialism. They had a field day. It was an all-too-predictable, self-inflicted liberal farce (If Oli can be non-binary, why can’t he be Korean? LOL).

Personally, I don’t think you can be transracial. If you think that being Asian amounts to having squinty eyes, I’m not sure what to tell you. I can’t say that I’m thrilled with an obnoxious White guy self-identifying as Korean. But why is transgenderism sacrosanct, while transracialism is treason? As idiotic as these right-wing twerps can be, they are still useful— because they actually ask the question.

The reason I bring all of this up is so we can get some clarity on a more nuanced example. I know a few White Americans who grew up in China; their parents were diplomats working in Shanghai. These White kids spent their entire childhoods in China; they speak perfect, native-level Mandarin, and they love the Chinese culture they grew up with. They can cook Chinese food way better than I can. China is their home; they prefer it there. So the question is, are they Chinese?

I asked them. And they said no.

This seems reasonable. White people passing as Chinese? No fucking way! But honestly, when I really think about it, I’m actually not so sure. Are these kids really less Chinese than, say, the proverbial Kevin Wang in Berkeley— fourth generation Chinese American who speaks only English, has never left the Bay Area, and prefers pizza and burgers to chow mein and chicken feet? Kevin knows almost nothing about Chinese culture and cares little for it, while the White diplomat kids grew up in it and consider China their only home. Even so, the woke response would be: "But they’re White— they haven’t had to move through society being seen as Chinese. It doesn’t matter if they speak Chinese, or how fluent they are with Chinese culture, because they still enjoy the privileges of being White. Kevin Wang, even as an American, is seen as Chinese— they called him a chink in middle school!"

But let’s take another case. One of Kevin Wang’s classmates in public school, a girl named Juliet Johnson— White American father, Chinese American mother. She, like Kevin, speaks only English, has never left the U.S.A., identities exclusively with Western culture, has never met anyone on her Chinese side besides her mother, and physically looks sort of White, with a bit of something else mixed in. But given that she is technically half-Chinese, is she more Chinese than the White diplomat kids who grew up in China? Does having one Chinese parent in America trump an entire childhood spent in Shanghai? Is her exotic face more authentic than the diplomat