To Now and Forever

By Avery Volz

When love lost returns…

                  Can one trust it…

                  Or will the past prove too much to navigate?

 

Gail Ferr weathered years of heartache, learning to live without Colton Reeves, her high school love.

 

When he returns, Gail discovers that their love is more profound than she ever imagined. As she navigates their renewed relationship, her strength will be tested, her heart will expand, and her understanding of friendship and forgiveness will be challenged.

 

The road to rekindling her love with Colton Reeves is riddled with missteps, but the journey beyond that moment is a ride Gail could never have anticipated.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Highlander Press
• Release date: May 8, 2024
• ISBN: 9781956442342

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

FEBRUARY 2082

Two things would have made this tea better: another spoonful of honey and if Blake Walker could take a hint. He was seated across from Abigail Reeves, his white button-up shirt so crisp and flawless, it was almost suspicious. Abigail wondered if he spent his time holed up inside and ironing his clothes. But okay, for a man in his late seventies, Abigail had to give him some credit. She was eighty-one and couldn’t care less about wrinkles in her shirts anymore.

Blake touched the thick rim of his glasses. They made his bright green eyes appear two times larger. I mean, hell, I was a history teacher for thirty-five years. His voice was gravely and broken, probably from all the vape pens he carried around like gym rats who carry those gallon water bottles. Let me tell ya, Gail. Teaching high schoolers sucked.

He paused to look around the café, green eyes flicking this way and that. Abigail took the opportunity to sip her tea and finally say something.

I can’t imagine. I had terrible experiences in high school.

Blake may have been a scatter-brained old man with no intention of reading a vibe, but his empathy was still in its twenties. He looked back at Abigail with his nearly-nonexistent eyebrows arched in concern.

What do you mean?

Blake had probably been cool in high school, Abigail decided. He had probably been an athlete who partied on Friday nights and spent Saturdays cleaning up those Friday decisions. He’d probably had his equal share of letdowns, but he probably hadn’t almost lost the love of his life to an abusive alcoholic father. He probably wasn’t suicidal and probably didn’t spend his time overthinking every detail of every decision down to its bedrock. He probably didn’t spend every day wanting to disappear into a vortex of nothingness. Then again, maybe he did. It wasn’t fair to assume anything these days.

I just grew up pretty quickly, Abigail offered.

Blake nodded, his usual goldfish attention span now locked in and razor focused.

He was in love with Abigail and had been since he’d met her in the narthex of their shared church three years ago. He was vocal about it too—no interest in wasting his precious time. So whenever she was in the mood to crack open another bit of her shell, Blake was ready to observe and listen. Funny thing was, he had no chance.

I’m sorry, he murmured, reaching out to cover her hand in his.

It was a kind gesture, and they were friends. But it had no effect on Abigail’s heart.

How about you let me take you out to dinner? he suggested with a grin so big it tried to take over his face.

Abigail pulled her hand away and flashed a coy smile. No thanks. I’m busy.

This was their game. Cat and mouse like a couple of bored college kids. Age was just a number.

Doing what? Blake challenged.

Writing.

Forgive me. I didn’t know you were a bestselling author. Seventy-eight and the guy still had a whip for a mind.

It’s a letter, she corrected him.

For whom?

None of your business, that’s who. Her mind, unfortunately for Blake, was still a tack, too.

They grinned at each other, passing dares with their eyes. Eventually, Blake gave up like the sore loser he was, and sighed.

Will you ever give me a chance?

Abigail pursed her lips. Maybe in fifteen or twenty years.

Blake chuckled at the joke. Fair play.

Back at ya.

Okay, Mom. I got my drink, let’s go. Aliana Reeves helped her mother out of her seat. Hey, Mr. Walker.

Hey, kiddo.

Abigail turned back to Blake and nodded once. Have a great rest of your day.

He shook his head, and that already massive grin continued to grow. I’m gonna charm your heart someday, Abigail.

Don’t waste your breath. She blew him a kiss. It’s always belonged to someone else.

CHAPTER TWO

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY一ALBANY, NY (2031)

If I clenched my jaw any tighter, it would’ve snapped. I was pinned between my father and Colton Reeves at the kitchen table of my childhood home, scarfing down a plate of steaming lasagna just to keep my hands busy. Talk about the epitome of tense situations. Jamie, my father’s girlfriend, sat across from me, twirling her fork through the noodles with an easy smile. I was sure she felt the tangible tension in the air that was strangling me with its gnarled fingers, but if she did, she didn’t show it. Colton took a bite of his food and complemented Jamie for her cooking skills. Dad stared at him like a seething dragon. In fact, I swore I saw smoke curl from his nostrils.

So, Dad said, finally leaning forward and spearing his lasagna with a fork. You’re a Penn State graduate, Colton?

I struggled to keep my breathing even.

Yes, sir. Graduated with my bachelors in architectural engineering.

Mommy, I don’t like this, my five-year-old son Gavin murmured from across the table. He gestured to his lasagna distastefully.

I gave him a look. Honey, that’s not nice.

And I assume you have a job? my father continued, glaring at Colton over the rim of his glass.

I’m a glazier for a company in Clifton Park. I install a lot of glass. He shrugged.

Seems interesting.

Mommyyy.

Gavin, eat it, I insisted. This is your dinner.

I don’t like the way it looks!

It’s noodles and sauce, buddy! It’s basically mac and cheese with a different color.

The reason I was so tense was because this was the first dinner with my father where Colton was at my side since we’d broken up nearly fourteen years ago. And Dad wasn’t exactly Colton’s number one fan, not after Colton had dumped me as a reaction to his own father’s violent abuse and then three years later failed to admit his feelings for me after stealing my virginity. But one global pandemic, a failed marriage, and a near-fatal car accident later, that was all water under the bridge. To us, at least. My father, on the other hand, held more grudges than a woman on her period.

I didn’t like lasagna when I was little either, Colton told Gavin with a kind smile. But it’s one of my favorite foods now. If you give it a try, you might really like it, too.

Gavin blinked at him and then glanced down at his food again. And just like magic, he started eating forkfuls.

Thank you, I mouthed at Colton.

He winked at me and squeezed my hand under the table.

For someone who had been through enough trauma to last three lifetimes, he sure was handling this tense dinner with ease. Then again, this probably felt like a cake walk to him. I hoped my dad caught that little interaction with Gavin and added it to the pro-Colton list he kept in his mind instead of the con list.

Clifton Park isn’t far from here, Dad pressed on. I always thought you were the person who wanted to get as far from Saratoga Springs as possible.

What’s that supposed to mean, I wanted to throw at him. But that made me sound twelve, not twenty-nine. I held my tongue.

I’m sure I said that when I was young. Colton laughed softly. But it’s a great place to live. I have a job, the people are nice. I really can’t complain.

Dad nodded and continued to aggressively chew his food. In all honesty, there wasn’t anything he could hold against Colton now. What was he supposed to do? Accuse him of all the stupid things he’d done as a clueless kid? That would’ve made Dad the bad guy.

We’re having apple pie for dessert, Jamie said, and Gavin leapt for joy in his seat. I know this is a special occasion.

It’s something, Dad muttered into his cup. He looked away and took a few gulps of soda.

I ignored him and smiled at Jamie. That sounds great. Thank you.

Colton, Gavin said.

What’s up, buddy?

Are you coming to my birthday party tomorrow?

"You kidding? I wouldn’t miss it for the world! You’re gonna love the present I got you."

What is it? My child’s eyes glimmered in excitement.

It’s called a You’ll Find Out Tomorrow.

And Gavin erupted into laughter because Colton was the coolest person in the world to him. I wanted to flap my arms in the air and scream, See, Dad? He’s more of a father to Gavin than Evan was!

Evan...the name still left a sour taste on my tongue. But I hadn’t talked to him in years, and sometimes I wondered if he’d forgotten we had a son together. In this situation, Colton was the swoop-in savior. See, Dad?!

Two slices of apple pie later, my stomach was full and happy. Gavin was going on and on about how he’d recently conquered his fear of jumping into a pool. He talked with his head held high like he’d won a shining trophy.

Well, we better get going, I said when my son paused long enough to take a drink. "We have a big day tomorrow and someone still has to wrap a few last-minute presents."

Gavin squealed.

Thanks so much for coming over, Jamie said. She pulled me in for a hug and then did the same thing for Colton, which warmed my heart. I hoped Dad took notes on Jamie’s welcoming, friendly, forgiving personality. But that might’ve been wishful thinking.

See you tomorrow, buddy, Dad enclosed my son in his arms and squeezed him tight. And he shook his hand through Gavin’s hair, too, which always made the golden curls lose form and dangle down above his eyes.

Then my dad came right for me.

Bye, Dad, I mumbled against his chest.

See you later, sweetheart. The tension rose four notches. Goodbye, Colton.

Have a good night, sir.

Outside, the humid July air was a lot more manageable. Gavin skipped to the car and climbed inside after I unlocked it.

That went well, Colton said with a sort of thank God it’s over kind of tone.

Really? Because I felt like I was gonna melt.

He opened the passenger door for me, and I jumped into the car.

Gavin talked the entire way back to our house, which was only ten minutes, but it felt like an eternity that night. I’d been exhausted the last few days, juggling Gavin’s birthday preparations, practicing new music for the Saratoga Strings orchestra I was a part of, and mentally preparing for this dinner. Now that one item had officially been checked off the list, I wanted nothing more than to collapse into bed.

Colton veered the car down our winding street and killed the engine in the garage.

Buddy, go straight upstairs and brush your teeth, I muttered, trying to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

There was still so much to do tonight.

But, Mommy, I wanna play with the dinosaur that Aunt Mary sent me.

You can play tomorrow with all your friends.

But一

Gavin.

Okay, okay! He jumped out of the car, stomped up the two wooden steps, and slammed the door behind him.

He’s pretty ambitious, Colton said with a small smile.

You have no idea.

The silence that followed was the kind of quiet that could drown you in sleep if you let it. I could feel my bones sinking into the passenger seat. My eyelids suddenly weighed twenty pounds.

I can stay if you want me to, Colton whispered. Help wrap presents so it’ll get done faster.

I forced my eyes open and grunted. Nah, you don’t have to.

Gail. Something in his voice made me turn back to look at him. I haven’t seen you this exhausted since the week of our finals during freshman year of high school. I smiled in spite of myself. Let me stay to help.

Okay, I said after a moment.

Gavin was scream-singing his favorite song upstairs, and his voice reverberated through the house’s foundation. Colton actually doubled over in laughter.

You should record this, he said, and play it back when Gavin’s eighteen.

Same thing my dad did to me. Guess it’s time to pay it forward.

Colton and I settled down in the living room with light blue wrapping paper, tape, and too many gifts to count. It was a wonder my wallet wasn’t in tears.

So, how’re you holding up? I asked after wrapping a race car track.

Colton’s eyes darkened just the tiniest bit, like they always did when I mentioned his anxiety. It had gotten so much worse over the years that I’d known him, but that was to be expected. He’d been beaten bloody by his father at sixteen, nearly overdosed at a party when he was twenty-one, and almost died in a car accident at twenty-eight. Colton was a breathing miracle with a million-dollar smile, but that didn’t hide the fact that his hands never seemed to stop trembling.

I’m okay right now, he assured me with a neutral expression. You help to take my mind off things.

I watched him wrap for a moment, watched his jaw clench and his fingers twitch. There must’ve been a tornado in his mind. Either that, or the constant threat of one. But he wasn’t battered in my eyes; he was absolutely perfect.

Colton, why don’t you一

Mommy! I’m ready for a bedtime story!

Be right there, buddy!

I finished wrapping a tie-dye soccer ball and pushed myself up to standing. The sight of the ten other unwrapped gifts made me want to rip all the hair from my scalp.

Go, Colton said, reading the look on my face. Be with your son. I’ve got this.

And then, as if just realizing my first love was sitting on the floor knee deep in shapeless sheets of paper, I closed the distance between us and pressed my lips to his. These lips were like home to me. They were remnants of a sweeter, safer time.

Thank you, I whispered.

He flashed me a heart-shattering smile.

I didn’t know what chaos was until there were twelve little boys rocketing through my living room and screaming at full volume. I felt the need to bubble-wrap the cake and every expensive thing I owned for fear they’d get destroyed before the party ended at four.

The living room was packed with parents I hardly even knew, but I was making a conscious effort to throw myself into conversations with them. Social anxiety be damned.

Is Gavin your first born? a woman with piercing blue eyes asked me.

Yeah. I cringed as one of the boys slammed his toy car down on the coffee table and sent two coasters flying off in different directions.

Eli is my third, the woman went on, oblivious to the circus around her. Had my first when I was eighteen. Can you believe it?

That must’ve been hard.

Oh, it was. I had to put everything else on hold just to raise her. But there’s something so amazing about a child needing you, you know? I loved it so much I dropped out of college to have more. She laughed and it sounded like the squawk of a bird. Now I have a twelve-year-old, a nine-year-old, and Eli just turned six in June.

I nodded politely. That’s amazing.

Are you thinking about having another one?

My stomach instantly deflated. Uh, no. I’m not.

That’ll change! Another squawk-like chortle. "I said the same thing."

I was about to answer her when a flash of light caught my eye. Oh no, honey, don’t touch that! I lunged to retrieve a glass candle out of a boy’s hand. He was about to throw it like a football.

Kids, a woman with frizzy black hair muttered with a tight smile. They think the world revolves around them. She was sitting on the couch with her feet propped up on the coffee table and a half-empty glass of wine in her hand.

I stared at her for a moment, my right eye twitching. I had just scrubbed that coffee table spotless.

Colton took my hand. Gail, could you help me in the kitchen for a sec? Once we were alone he murmured, I sense that you’re about to punch a wall.

Just a little, I hissed.

He rubbed my shoulders until the adrenaline in my veins faded into exhaustion.

This is hard, I said. "Having kids is so hard. I just cleaned the house, Colton. Yesterday. And now these boys come in and mess it all up! You know the back foyer’s covered in mud, right? It rained last night and the yard’s still muddy. The boys didn’t take off their shoes. I told them一"

Hey, Colton gripped my shoulders. Breathe.

I don’t know how.

Like this. He inhaled through his nose, puffed his chest out like a balloon, and then exhaled through his lips.

I involuntarily copied him.

It’s three o’clock. You’ve got one more hour. And then as soon as this party’s over, I’ll clean up so you can go take a bath and relax.

No way. I shook my head. I’m not asking to do that. It’s my house, I can take care of一

You know it’s not illegal to ask for help, right?

Sometimes I wondered if Colton was so forwardly helpful because the tedious tasks kept him out of his head. He’d been going to a therapist for two and a half years now, and I recalled him saying he was supposed to actively pursue normal activities. How that helped him cope with trauma, I wasn’t sure, but if it worked, it worked.

Fine.

I grabbed a handful of Doritos and stuffed them into my mouth, aggressively munching to get my anger out.

Also, Colton took a Dorito for himself. You’re turning thirty next week, and I think you should go out.

I swallowed. What?

You know, get together with Erica or someone, go out for the night and have a great time.

"I can’t just take a night off. I’m a night staff member for Gavin’s park program, I have to plan the outdoor activities for vacation Bible school, there are three pieces of music I have yet to learn, I haven’t even touched my violin in一"

Do you hear yourself?

My mouth froze, and I stared into his sympathetic eyes. Okay...maybe I did sound a little insane.

Going out would be nice. I nodded slowly.

Exactly. So, after everyone leaves, go take a bath and call Erica. I’m sure she’d love to hear from you.

Erica Trevins was my best friend from high school. These days, she was living in New York City as a graphic designer for some posh boutique for teenagers on Fifth Avenue. But she was also the kind of person who would drop everything to celebrate a friend’s birthday. That was one of the reasons I loved her so much.

Okay.

Footsteps stampeded down the hall, and twelve little boys burst into the kitchen at once. Gavin elbowed his way to the front.

Mommy, can we eat cake now?

Cake, cake, cake, cake!

It kind of made me nervous how overpowering they were.

Of course! I hoped my smile didn’t look forced. Colton, can you grab a couple plates?

Aw, yeah! Turn it up! Erica hollered.

The Uber driver cranked the volume up, and Blinding Lights by The Weeknd blasted through the speakers.

"God, I haven’t heard this song in years!" Erica shouted.

It was one of our all-time favorites.

I felt like a celebrity. The sequined tube top hugged my torso like another layer of skin, and the jean shorts exposed my lean legs that I’d spent months in the gym trying to shape. My hair was curled into rippling rivulets. My lashes were smeared thick with mascara, and my lips were a shining blood red. This was what a movie star wore out in New York City.

Thank God Colton was kind enough to watch Gavin for the night. I leaned my head back against the leather seat and inhaled the sultry evening air that was seeping in through the cracked windows. This was my night. I was going to live. All those pesky tasks on my to-do list could wait until tomorrow.

Our Uber drove the forty-minute ride to Albany, which at night, was a neon city of electric blues and shimmering golds. At a quarter past nine, we rolled up to Chickie’s Pub一a place famous for its mouthwatering breweries.

Drinks are on me, Erica insisted as she handed the Uber driver his tip. I got paid last week, and my poor wallet’s getting overweight.

How tragic.

Chickie’s Pub was exactly what I’d expected: polished wood floors, glimmering bar top, occupied pool table in the back, a rainbow of colored lights streaming down from the ceiling. Erica and I sat down, and I craned my head to see the blackboard menus above the mixers.

What can I get you ladies? the balding bartender asked.

Can I get a mojito please?

And I’ll have a Black Box Chardonnay, I added.

"Aw, there she is! Erica slapped my arm. Miss dirty thirty!"

Please don’t ever say that again.

How’s it feel?

I smiled. Really good actually.

Yes! If there’s one thing you deserve tonight, it’s getting fucking wasted. Hey, excuse me! The bartender turned back to Erica. Just keep the drinks coming, buddy.

Halfway through my third chardonnay, my head was spinning, and I was dying laughing at just about everything.

And my husband was like... Erica stopped to hiccup. "He was like, ‘The next time we have role play, I’m choosing the theme.’"

We must’ve sounded like hyenas because I was slapping the table and squealing so loudly my throat was starting to get sore. Erica took another sip of her drink, and her eyes shifted to something over my shoulder. She grabbed me and pulled me close.

Don’t look now, but that guy over there has been checking you out for like fifteen minutes.

I turned around anyway, only to lock eyes with a roguishly handsome brunette. He looked like the kind of guy who could be on the cover of People’s edition of America’s Sexiest Man Alive. He looked like the upcoming British actor that every girl swoons over. I smiled at him, but didn’t engage.

Erica’s eyebrows pinched. What the hell was that?

What?

"A smile? Get off your ass and go talk to him!"

I tossed back the rest of my drink. No.

She straightened in her seat like my answer had electrocuted her. "What are you? Some type of Mormon? That guy is hot."

Erica, I chewed my straw. I’m back with Colton now, remember?

Another visible jolt. It looked like I’d just slapped her. "Gail, you turned thirty today. Thirty! You dated Colton when you were what, fifteen? I get the whole first-love-forever thing, but you’ve matured past him. In case you haven’t noticed, there are other people in the world. Like that guy!"

I turned back around and caught Movie Star’s eye again. He smiled and waved at me.

You never let yourself meet new people because you’re always holding onto the past.

That’s not true.

Wake up! she slurred. Do you really wanna relive your high school days?

No, but一

"Colton is the representation of your high school days. If you let yourself, you could find someone so much better than him. You deserve better."

Colton is an amazing person, I hissed, glowering as hard as I could.

You’re in love with the idea of him, Gail! Erica’s voice was thick with impatience. "You don’t love him! Everyone knows getting back together with an ex is like a ticking time bomb."

I could physically feel my heart break. It was like a branch snapping in half in my chest, the sensation rippled through my body like a hurricane. All I could do was stare at her in disbelief. I hadn’t realized she’d felt so strongly against my reconciliation with Colton, but wasn’t alcohol infamous for exposing true feelings? Then again, maybe she was right. Maybe I was stupid for holding onto something from my past, even though I swore this time would be different.

A terrible mix of dread and embarrassment attacked my stomach, and I was pretty sure I was about to throw up. I swallowed the sour bile, whipped out my phone, and ordered an Uber. Then I snatched my purse and stomped out, leaving Erica alone at the bar.

CHAPTER THREE

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY

My bow sailed across the strings, seesawing back and forth. A rush of harmonies flowed from my violin, slashing the silence into tiny broken shards. My fingers skipped along the fingerboard, moving faster still. I had no idea what I was playing, but the rush of climbing and falling down the scale always gave me goosebumps. It was a form of therapy一way cheaper than sitting down with a psychologist and hashing through my problems.

Erica and I hadn’t spoken since my birthday. And in the three weeks since then, I’d immersed myself into practicing for the Saratoga Strings’ first performance of the season. I’d joined the orchestra in an attempt to find solace after my brutal divorce, and each day, it was becoming clearer that my violin was like an over-the-counter drug. But not even it could fully calm my mind.

I constantly replayed my conversation with Erica in my head, desperately trying to decode her words and mine. You’re in love with the idea of him, Gail! Everyone knows getting back together with an ex is like a ticking time bomb. That right there was the scariest part. Because she had a valid point. I didn’t know anyone who had successfully stayed together with an ex after so much time. Was I foolish for thinking it was possible?

I set my violin down on the couch and pulled up Colton’s contact on my phone. We had some great conversations over text. He was funny and witty and kind一everything I wanted in a man. So, what then was the issue?

The front door slammed open, and Gavin stepped into the house, dropping his enormous superhero-themed backpack by the coat rack.

Hey, buddy! How was your first day of first grade?

"Mr. Petran is so funny, Mommy. He told us about the time his pet snake got loose in the classroom, and they had to evac...um. Like, get everyone out of the building." Gavin cackled excitedly.

Well, did they get the snake?

Yeah. Oh, Mr. Petran also said that he’ll let students take the snake home for a weekend! The snake’s name is Winter ‘cause she’s has like, um...a cool white pattern on her back.

I don’t know about taking care of a snake, I said.

It would be so fun, Mommy!

I scooped my son up into my arms and planted a kiss on his cheek. Wanna help me make some chocolate chip cookies?

Yeah! Is Colton coming over?

Do you want him to?

Yes!

Something in Gavin’s eyes lit up every time he talked about Colton. That was a good sign, wasn’t it?

Four hours later, we were all sandwiched together on the couch, watching Cars on Disney Plus.

This movie came out when I was young, buddy, I told Gavin.

It was one of my favorites, Colton added, scooping up a handful of popcorn.

Gavin was mesmerized. He stared at Lightning McQueen like the car was a Greek god performing miracles. And when Mater scared the tractors, Gavin laughed so hard he had the hiccups for ten minutes.

That was awesome! Gavin shouted when the movie ended. He hopped off the couch and pretended to drive a car all around the living room.

I checked the clock. Okay, Mr. Nascar driver, it’s time for bed.

Can’t! Gavin looped around the coffee table. I’m about to win the race!

Your bed’s the finish line. Don’t let ‘em catch up to you! I called.

He sprinted down the hall and rocketed up the steps. Colton laughed and offered me the rest of the popcorn.

How was work today? I asked him as I clicked the TV off.

I had to install new windows at this house in East Glenville. The house was huge. I was there all day, but it looks great. He shrugged.

I stared at him for a moment. You don’t seem enthused with the work you’re doing.

I am, he disagreed lightly. I just...I’m thinking about looking for another job. Honestly, I haven’t thought too much about it yet. But my boss is a real dick. I work my ass off all week, but I don’t get paid as much as my one coworker who does squat. Jaxson won’t give me a raise though.

That does suck.

He pressed his lips together and shook the popcorn bowl.

You should look for something around here, I suggested. Just Google glass repair jobs in Saratoga Springs, and I’m sure you’ll find something.

He smiled and did that little laugh that’s more like an exhale through the nose. I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.

For a moment, we listened to the water turn on upstairs. Gavin must have been brushing his teeth. So, how’s the thing with Erica? Any luck?

I’d mentioned our fight to Colton, but I didn’t tell him what it was about. I believed my exact words were, It’s just stupid drama.

Haven’t talked to her, I muttered. She said some pretty...untrue things.

Like what?

The words froze on my tongue. Getting back together with an ex is like a ticking time bomb. She was just trying to get under my skin.

Don’t let her, Colton said. You guys have been best friends for what?

Like fourteen years.

Exactly, so don’t let this blip break you guys for good. It’s not worth it, trust me.

I sighed because like usual, he was right.

Erica, it’s me. Listen, I’m sorry. It was immature of me to just run out of the bar like that. I really need to talk to you, so if you could just...call me back, I would really appreciate it. Please. I hesitated and then pulled the phone away from my ear to end the call.

I was standing in the hallway at the rec center. Through the open double doors, the Saratoga Strings were tuning their instruments.