Just Chad

By E.D.E. Bell

Chad is just a robot from Future Town. With xyr family network of Angel, a cocktail glass, a flirty phone, and a partying unicorn, xe explores the streets of the city in search of hard-core adventures, and maybe a bit of the realness.

Twenty five episodes of whimsey, humor, friendship, spirit – and resilience.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Atthis Arts LLC
• Release date: Apr 2, 2024
• ISBN: 9781961654136

E.D.E. Bell

E.D.E. Bell was born in the year of the fire dragon during a Cleveland blizzard. With an MSE in Electrical Engineering from the University of Michigan, three amazing children, and nearly two decades in Northern Virginia and Southwest Ohio developing technical intelligence strategy, she now applies her magic to the creation of genre-bending fantasy fiction in Ferndale, Michigan, where she is proud to be part of the Detroit arts community. A passionate vegan and enthusiastic denier of gender rules, she feels strongly about issues related to human equality and animal compassion. She revels in garlic. She loves cats and trees. You can follow her adventures at edebell.com.

Book preview

December 2021

Just Chad: Episode 01

Incomplete Data

In which Chad finally downloads . . . 

Chad had been alone for a while. Alone in the robot sense. There were networks, and databanks, and anything xe could ever want to download. That wasn’t family.

Robots don’t have family, they said. For a long time—way too long of a time—Chad had believed them.

But then xe’d met Bart. Yes, at the bar. Bart at the bar, storing that in shortcuts.

Bart was different. Bart made Chad feel real again.

And xe’d been charging up for a while to get this right.

Sending a final trail of lights down the street where xe’d languished too long, xe lifted xyr ass from the charging field, lowered xyr tracks to stand, and downloaded xemself to Earth.

Literal Purple Rain! Bart shouted, stumbling back toward a table, covered in affectionate stacks of scrap wood. Then their face relaxed.

A smile. Good, that was nice. Greetings, Bart!

Chad? That you? How, uh—you know, whatever. How you doing, friend?

Friend! Chad’s fan valve farted, but Bart didn’t seem to mind. Chad kept it scented with real-Earth violet oil; perhaps that mitigation had been effective. We are friends?

Of course, Chad. Now, I don’t mean to rush, but I’ve got a wagonful of Etsy orders due real soon, so—maybe there’s another time we can get together? That is, if you’re alright?

My parameters are not the issue, friend Bart. I want to go on adventures.

Bart stared at xem a moment, then scratched under the brim of their hat.

Yeah, I’m good on adventures for the moment. They paused, in what would not be a long pause for human cognition. Angel . . . I wish she had someone to adventure with. It’s what she’s always wanted. I’m just not the right boot for that dance.

A puzzle! Chad was good at puzzles. And if Angel and Chad wanted adventures, they should go on adventures. And maybe Bart . . . they could be just Bart. Xe hopped a little on xyr tracks. What do you think about Angel and I adventuring? With great fervor?

Bart squinted. I think if you’re happy, that’s downright swell. They tipped their hat.

Thank you, Bart. I am wishing you great success with your 8C Orders.

Sure, Chad. Hey, one more thing. Remember how you called humans ‘purebred’, you know back in Future Town?

Chad did not have remembering. They had ample memory and cloud storage in five dimensions. This happened, xe concurred.

Yeah, don’t say that to Angel. I mean, don’t say that to anyone. Just trust me.

I will always trust you, Bart.

Again, Bart smiled. It was nice.

Chad downloaded into Angel’s house.

Angel was singing a song loudly in front of a mirror, with scarves tied unnecessarily to her hairbrush. Chad liked music. Chad liked unnecessary flair. Maybe they could—

Bits! Chad had not given proper greetings of departure.

Chad downloaded again, into the workshop. Bart jumped in place.

Bart! I am sorry for performing an error! I must greet you in departure. Farewell, Bart. May our transmissions cross in the same dimension!

Yeah, no worries, Chad. Mosey on by, anytime. Through the door. They pointed at a human-style door. Start on the other side.

With an appreciative beep for the human-tip, Chad downloaded again, into Angel’s room. To xyr alarm, she was crouched near the bed, pointing the hairbrush outward. What the fuck is this?

I am Chad! I was just with Bart.

Angel’s body relaxed, though her face stayed tense. With Bart? Oh, well, you all are friends?

Chad hit xyr ‘intergalactic’ notification sound. One of the good ones.

We are friends. They suggested that you would like adventures. I would like adventures. What do you say, Angel, friend of Bart?

Yeah, about that. How about just Angel.

I comply. Chad swiveled in place, noting the fresh greenery circling the walls. I like your recently severed pine branches. They emit one of my favorite scents.

She set down the hairbrush. I just tried to cheer the place up for Yule. I’m . . . glad you like them. Chad waited patiently; xe knew interrupting was rude. As xe’d predicted, Angel continued to speak. "I’m down for adventures. Always. But, two rules."

A shock shot through xyr casing. Chad had left the interdimensional farm to get away from rules. Xe—

Rule First: If we adventure, we’re family. Rule Second: Any other family get to join us. That includes Cosmo, and anyone else who might turn up.

Family. Forget farting, Chad’s fan valve full released. We could be . . . family?

Angel tilted, propping an arm on her hip. "Yep. I have no time for people who aren’t down with Angel. Her smile faltered for a moment, but then the smile was back. Bonus rule: just call them fir branches."

Ok, but xe wasn’t calling these parameters rules. And this was an ethical modification, as it had not been a proffered rule. I accept. But, who is Cosmo?

Over here!

A sharp-edged martini glass sat on a nightstand, on top of a doily of stitched holly leaves. The glass appeared empty, but somehow gave a shiny pink gleam, like the prettiest rose tourmaline. This did not match the doily but perhaps Yule decorating sometimes thwarted fashion sensibilities.

Tiny marker eyes appeared on this glass’ surface, and a little crooked mouth. Hi, I’m Cosmo, she. Part of Angel’s family.

Chad released xyr jets, jumping into the air. I am Angel’s family! Then we are family too!

Do you drink, Chad?

I do. Exclusively margaritas. They convey an appropriate balance of toughness and reserve that I seek. I have minimal shades of gender as indicated by these lights on my shoulder, xe added, not sure how much Earth glasses knew about robots. ‘Xe’ is an appropriate reference.

One of Cosmo’s eyebrows raised. Apparently now she had eyebrows.

"Minimal shades of gender. I like it. I may be crystalware, but I’m all woman, Chad. I’m such a lady they’re going to have to overturn the bathroom symbol to look like me." She tipped forward a little.

Wonderful. When do our adventures begin?

Angel tugged at a loose-fitting tank top. First you need to let me get dressed.

Do I need to turn off sensors?

I mean, are you into it, Chad?

Chad quickly calculated probabilities on human idiom. I am not into it. I just don’t like having my sensors off. Xe shuddered. I will not transmit or record signals without permission of the family.

That’s my bot. Angel gave xem a wink.

You can film me, Chad, Cosmo called, from the table.

Film? Oh. A historical reference.

I’m a historical reference.

Ok, ok, Angel interrupted. If we’re going on adventures, we’ve got to be cool with each other. Simmer it down and all.

Do we require more introductions? Chad inquired.

Angel was zipping up a pair of sparkling jeans. She rummaged in her closet a moment as Chad waited for a host of cycles. She selected a droopy, ruffly shirt, in the same shade of #93ffe9 as the website where xe used to work. It was a nice shade.

Alright, devils, let’s go! she called, slinging a bag over one arm, and walking out the door.

Through the door was very boring. Though metaphorical. A long hallway with many conforming doors. As xyr tracks rolled down the firm carpeting, xe swiveled to absorb the shades. So many shades, so similar.

Barfy beige everywhere, Cosmo remarked. She was floating beside Angel. Nowhere to look if you wanted to.

Is there a human aversion to beiges? Chad inquired. Color training had never been intuitive to xyr circuits; the subjectivity was difficult to quantify.

Unfortunately, no, Cosmo replied. If I had to live in this hallway I’d be full all day.

Oh come on, it’s a nice place, Angel said with a sigh. Want me to go back to my parents’ house?

At that point, Cosmo seemed to go on mute. Chad considered that they would probably not find adventure in this building, probably a housing unit of social stratification. Small talk, Chad. You’re with a real human now. This is it.

I am from Future Town, xe bantered. It is a city of Horses and Robots. At that, xyr circuits took a chill. Will there . . . will there be any Horses in our family?

Angel glanced back, her hair giving a correspondingly unreadable bob. Sooooort of. There’s Uni, but zhe only joins us when Cosmo and I summon zhem.

Oh. Chad was presuming from context this Uni was a unicorn, but xe would not upload such a presumption. Some Horses feel otherwise about Robots.

Angel shook her head. "Not Uni, don’t you worry. Uni is down for anything."

So where are we going? A local saloon? Chad swiveled to show xyr social interest.

"Queen Kylie, Chad, Angel said with slight exasperation. First, we live in a city, it’s the 21st century here, and—you know—it’s 2 PM."

Cosmo swung around, and for a second, Chad thought xe detected a flash of pink from the empty glassware. Hey, the robot wants to meet people. And I know where to meet people at 2 PM.

LFR? Chad inquired.

Angel stopped and grimaced. Cosmo, I don’t think you should call xem ‘the robot’.

Chad’s lights flickered. Angel, it is fine! Request my consent if there are concerns. I just non-verbally referred to Cosmo as ‘the glassware’.

Cosmo tipped a bit, as if in a salutation of friendly concurrence. Crystalware, Baby, she noted.

Angel rubbed her palm a bit over her forehead. I have got to get out, she muttered.

That’s what we’re saying, Love, Cosmo said, taking on a tone of kindness. Now, where to go?

I was thinking the library, Angel said.

And that’s why you have me. Cosmo winked.

There would be robots and robot friends at the library . . .

And not the casino, Angel added. And I don’t do gyms.

Cosmo’s eyes flickered. "Of course not. Look, Love, if this was for me, I’d garnish myself with a gummy and hit sugar sparkle slots online until my club opened. But for you and for Chad, we are going out for art walk and tacos. Masks on."

I don’t have lungs, Chad clarified. Xe had got a virus last year, but not asking what other apps the ticklebot had was not a situation worth explaining to carbons or their crystal friends. But if it suits the social norms of your city, I can close my drive?

Angel nodded, as she slipped on a sparkly goldtone mask. Would be polite.

I got my cozy. Cosmo was wearing a black foam cover with a purple lace top layer. Chad could just see her eyes over the top.

Is this art display, or vendors? Chad asked. Chad would love to buy art.

Too cold for art vendors, Angel said wistfully. But they put out some sculptures to keep people through.

Good sculptures! Cosmo rattled a little. Let’s go check it out.

In contrast to the long hallway, the elevator was very exciting! Sleek and silver, with a sign that said the elevator cared about your safety. How nice, xe thought. And then, even more exciting, the front door spun around on a wheel, so Chad could glide through without extending prods or jets.

To xyr surprise, Angel and Cosmo did not go around more than once, so reluctantly, Chad rolled off too. Into snow. Snow!

I am waterproof and rustproof, xe assured xyr new family.

Same here, Cosmo said with a snort.

Ignoring them, Angel beckoned off toward a group of activity in the distance.

The social event involved a line of big shiny sculptures on poles and stands, none of which seem to mind the snow. And Chad experienced tacos sized just for their drive slot, after which Angel recommended taking bites even if the whole thing fit through at once.

We do so much to perform for others, xe contemplated.

Angel stopped in place, holding what was left of a stuffed corn tortilla. But it’s not all wrong, Chad. Like, sometimes you take small bites so you don’t get salsa on your buttons. She gestured over. Or just not to you know, look scary, I don’t know.

Chad wasn’t sure. Xe felt there were other reasons too.

Fuck it, Chad, she finally said, cramming the rest of the taco into her mouth. Vis shaytan ish heafen.

After an extended pause and a long drink of water, she glanced at them both. This was fun, but I don’t think this is it.

Cosmo tilted, and Chad waited with restrained propriety.

"This isn’t an adventure. This is going down the street and getting ignored by bougie tech bros who make fun of radishes in their tacos without even knowing this was our part of town. My mom’s, anyway; her tacos were so spicy you’d sneak an extra layer of radish so they didn’t blow your socks off. They promised a park, they got a plaza. And it’s not a plaza, no matter how many vendors and art on sticks they run through it. It’s a street between apartments."

It seemed like a very fancy street. Chad would like to spend time here. Angel was looking xyr way as if understanding, Cosmo now floating closer as well.

You’re right. Every place can be an adventure, and this plaza-street would be too. If it wasn’t always us. If I didn’t see the same folk all day, but none of them family. If I had someone, someone already, this would be the best walk. We’d sit, we’d enjoy the sounds of the city. Angel sighed, and it was a big sigh. It’s good seitan.

Chad was pretty sure xe had just arrived, but then again, Chad had operated in a lot of dimensions, and keeping xyr streams down for humans sometimes meant dropping a few threads. Chad couldn’t do it all.

Xe could do something. Angel? Xe paused until she looked over. Let’s get serious. Adventures. Big ones. We’ll meet new people—lots of new people. Cosmo, and Uni, and anyone else. Family.

Hopefully, this was an appropriate gesture. Chad waited with elevated concern.

She nodded, her cheeks rosy in the chill. She wiped her fingers down the side of her pants. Damn it, forgot I had these on, she muttered. Whatever. Let’s do it. Let’s get so serious Jermaine will join. Hard. Core. Adventures. Together. H-CAT.

Cosmo swept around to the front, and Chad thought for a second she had been filled, but it was hard to see through the cozy.

This is going to be fun.

January 2022

Just Chad: Episode 02

Adventuring Parameters

In which Chad acquires more data . . . 

Per’s got a video doorbell, Angel said with a shrug. I don’t love it, but I understand it.

Chad did not like inspections either. Xe rolled forward and elevated, blocking the visual sensor with xyr face. The audio sensor could be blocked also, but, unsure how it would affect humans, xe kept to the visual.

Angel shuffled behind xem. Chad, whatcha doing?

Blocking the inspection.

She laughed. It was a bubbly laugh; xe wasn’t sure xe’d heard Angel laugh before. Xe liked it a lot.

Who goes there? a voice boomed from the speaker. Synthetic effects had been applied.

It’s me, Angel. And my friend Chad. And it’s cold out here.

A click sounded, and Angel held the door open for Chad. Feeling important, xe rolled through.

As they entered, Chad noted that MageBoss’ structure had aesthetically better decoration than Angel’s. And slightly perfumed air, a favorite of xyrs. Xe was unsure if that statement would be interesting to Angel or constitute performing a rude action, so xe rolled quietly across the neon-popped lobby and into the elevator. Shiny, xe did note.

Angel nodded, a bit wistfully. Sounds like the group is over. As it is now. Her voice conveyed nervousness, but then, after the last couple of Earth years, Chad presumed her social contacts had been limited.

The apartment door had been propped open. Taking off her mask, Angel met eyes with Chad. And then walked in.

The apartment was decorated like a time travel weekend at the Ren Faire, though a lot cleaner, and presumably without mud around the privy! Art covered the walls. Posed figures lined carefully placed shelves. Two humans sat, smiling, at a table with a colorful game spread over it, and a third had risen to pour from a pitcher of water. One of those seated, petite with handsome, short hair and wearing a wrap-over shirt, raised a hand, which Chad believed to be in ‘hey’ rather than ‘stop’ inflection. Angel. Been a minute. The other, whose hair was neon blue and slumped over the side it was growing from, wore a denim jacket, covered with interesting insignias. Chad would have much to analyze.

The second person nodded. You’re Chad the robot?

Just Chad, xe replied. I have minimal shades of gender, and accept xe as reference. I am with my family, Angel. Xe pointed a prod up toward the much taller human.

"Oh,