The Musings of a Crazy Old Fart: Exploring Infinity

By Jim Rother and 'Karl'

After coming out as gay, Jason feels compelled to leave his home in Tennessee.

Hoping to create a new life in Oregon, he takes a job as a companion/housekeeper/caregiver to an elderly man named Thomas. It turns out that Thomas has been expecting him and, with just a few weeks left to live, he tells Jason they are to share with the world a very different story of creation.

With the love of his deceased wife ever in his mind and the promptings of his “guide,” Karl, Thomas weaves for Jason a new creation myth filled with love and purpose – a myth that deeply challenges Jason.

How do you translate mystical experiences in a language easily understood within our normal reality? How does the weirdness of quantum mechanics fit into a cause-and-effect world? Those questions have challenged the greatest teachers and the everyday seeker of the truth. They challenge Thomas as well.

No one can contain the infinite and put it into finite words. Yet there are steps that can be taken to invite the infinite into our experience, for it is only through direct experience that we can begin to grasp the true nature of our being.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Jan 12, 2024
• ISBN: 9781665752626

Jim Rother

The author lives with his wife and two chickens in the foothills of the Oregon Coast Range. He, like you, is a seeker of the truth of who we are. In that search he looked to a broad spectrum of esoteric sources such as A Course in Miracles, the Seth books and the Conversations With God series to give him a diverse and other-worldly perspective of the nature of Life. Other sources such as Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East, Love Without End, and Autobiography of a Yogi offered different perspectives of how Life works as did Anita Mariani’s near death story Dying to be Me. Hank Wesselman’s teachings introduced a shamanic element that greatly enhanced the breadth of information available to Jim as did the direct experiences gained through his own shamanic journeys, dreams and visions. Jim came into relationship with his co-author Karl in 2013. Karl became his etheric partner in the search for understanding. The author can be reached, if you’re crazy enough to try, at [e-mail].

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Copyright © 2024 Jim Rother.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Archway Publishing

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Interior Image Credit: Ezra Tobias Dahl

All scripture quotations are taken from King James version of the Bible, public domain.

ISBN: 978-1-6657-5260-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6657-5261-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6657-5262-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023921425

Archway Publishing rev. date: 1/11/2024

CONTENTS

Cover Designer’s Biography

Preface

An introductory note from Karl

Forewarning

My First Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday Morning

Thursday evening

Friday morning

Friday afternoon

Friday evening

Saturday morning

Saturday afternoon

Saturday evening

Sunday morning

Sunday evening

Monday morning

Monday afternoon

Monday evening

Tuesday morning

Tuesday afternoon

Tuesday evening

Wednesday morning

Wednesday afternoon

Wednesday evening

Thursday morning

Thursday afternoon

Thursday evening

Friday morning

Friday afternoon

Friday evening

Saturday

Sunday

Monday morning

Monday afternoon

Monday evening

Tuesday morning

Tuesday afternoon

Tuesday evening

Wednesday Morning

Wednesday Afternoon

Wednesday Evening

Thursday Morning

Thursday Afternoon

Thursday evening

Friday

Saturday and Sunday

Epilogue

Postscript

Glossary

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COVER DESIGNER’S BIOGRAPHY

Katie Rose RainbowMaker is a Northern Californian Visionary Painter, Spiritual Practitioner and Teacher. She incorporates dreams and journeys into the discovery process of art making. Inspired by sound, light, spirit and community, her attitude is vibrant and effervescent. Katie Rose has her Bachelor of Arts in Art History, Art Education, Studio Art and Metaphysics. She has been oil painting for 23 years and has studied with contemporary visionary artists like Amanda Sage and Alex & Allyson Grey. She is also influenced by the shamanic teachings of Hank Wesselman. Katie Rose sees visionary art as a type of art that is instilled with spirit- considering the transcendental aspect as inseparable from the nature of human consciousness.

RainbowMaker exhibits her work in galleries, performs as a live artist at venues and transformative festivals, and teaches painting workshops. These workshops incorporate guided journeying, where the student ultimately ends up creating a painting inspired by empowerment of the journeywork! The intentions of Katie Rose’s workshops are to inspire co-creative empowerment through journeying into the self and using painting as an explorative process and a way to describe answers the self uncovers. Students then create from their heart as they receive technical guidance through the progression of their painting.

‘I always love experiencing dance, music, storytelling and community as inspiration for the creative process, these are elements of the spirit of human culture that have inspired symbolism in art for over 40,000 years.’

–Katie Rose RainbowMaker

www.KatieRoseCreations.com

@KatieRoseRainbowMaker

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And so the discovery of quantum mechanics has revealed a reality, our reality, that’s both shocking and thrilling, bringing us that much closer to fully understanding the fabric of the cosmos.

Brian Greene’s closing words of the "Quantum Leap episode of his Fabric of the Cosmos series shown on the PBS series ‘Nova.

The quantum world is your home, for it is the state of energy from which you ‘emerge’ into experience. Learning about the true nature of your reality is a fundamental part of your journey of remembering.

—Karl

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PREFACE

When does a story start? Whose story is it? While I can tell you that my fingers typed these words, I’m not really all that certain where those words came from. You see, while I felt compelled to write this story, there were many times I was clueless as to what to write next. Whenever that happened, I asked my co-author, Karl, for help. Fortunately, it was always there. At times it almost felt as if the story was already written and Karl was simply reading what came next. Maybe…?? Now, as I reread what has been written, I marvel at the directions this story has taken.

When did this story start? In retrospect I can trace my involvement in this undertaking through the different experiences I have had in my life. At the time most seemed to be inauspicious, random events of little import, yet they shaped me in ways that led me forward toward the beliefs I now hold. They were important precursors of this story. Many of those experiences asked me to reconsider all that I held to be true. They challenged me to look deeply into myself. As I look back at those events, I find the certainty that the roots of this story are far more diverse than anything I could have imagined. They are both ancient and also the response to a call from our ‘future’. While I have sensed that call many times in my life, I will confess that I have been very reluctant to answer. Still, its persistence has left me little choice. Let me try to explain.

This is not the first time I have sat down to write this story. That happened in 2013, shortly after the transition of the woman who had led me through a wild ride into the mystical world. She exposed me to teachers I would never have found on my own. With her by my side I became comfortable looking for the answers to my questions from sources outside of our normal realm of consciousness. Oddly enough, I never thought those answers would come through me.

Just a couple of days after her transition I began waking up to visions of printed pages, scrolling quickly in front of me, too small to read. When I mentioned what was happening to several friends they all suggested that I was supposed to write a book. My answer was always, No, there are already way too many written. What could I add? The visions persisted though, until one morning I said, If you want a story written, you write it. I’ll type. I took my laptop to Starbuck’s and, with a chai in hand, I began to type. Fifteen months later I was finished. The story was titled ‘Life - Our Greatest Gift’. I shared it with a few friends; they found it much too dense to finish reading. At first I took their rejection hard, but I eventually came to realize it was not written for the public, rather it was my way of getting clear on what I believed. That story was my way of telling the Universe where I was in my journey of remembering.

It was early in that process of writing that I came into relationship with ‘Karl’. Who is Karl, my co-author? That’s a very good question, one that has no simple answer when one is anchored in this physical reality, for he is not. My best answer, one that subtly changes constantly, is that ‘he’ is a part of the wholeness of spirit. Even while I use the pronoun ‘he’, I am aware that he always uses a plural pronoun - we or our, never I or my. I have often wondered if Karl is a part of my more expansive self, or a ‘guide’ leading me as I journey through my life. I no longer ponder that question. Who he is doesn’t matter, for I have come to trust the guidance Karl has given me. It has always been given with loving kindness; it has always led me to a place of greater compassion and higher union with all of Life. I believe you will recognize that as well as you read his comments at the end of this story.

In 2014, after I finished ‘Life - Our Greatest Gift’, I could tell that I was done writing. There were no more visions of printed pages, no promptings that there was more that needed to be shared. I moved to the countryside and embarked on a new relationship with a beautiful woman who is now my wife. What I did not know then was that the Universe had set me up for the next stage of my evolution. You see, I had never been loved unconditionally. It took me a while to understand the grace that wondrous love had given me, to relax into a space where I could truly be myself. In the quiet of the countryside, resting in my wife’s love, I became a quieter, gentler being, less driven, far more grounded. That was an evolution within me that was essential in writing this story.

My wife also introduced me to the shamanic teachings of Hank Wesselman and Hale Makua. They helped me understand Life as a continuum of energy, filled with helping spirits, guides and powerful beings anchoring our lives together in a holistic union. I came to recognize that every unique element on Earth has a role to play in our unfolding experience. There is no separation. That is but an illusion.

Early in 2022 visions of printed pages again began appearing as I awoke in the morning. My response was much as it was in 2013. I ignored them. The visions continued and, over the period of a few weeks, the general outline for ‘The Musings of a Crazy Old Fart’ coalesced in my mind. When I finally agreed to sit down and write, the story unfolded easily. My discomfort with the process dissolved.

‘The Musings of a Crazy Old Fart’ is a work of fiction. It is semi-autobiographical in that most of the experiences of the two main characters, Thomas and Jason, are ones that I have been graced to experience. Those experiences have been incredibly important in shaping my understanding of Life. Otherwise, all of the characters and circumstances of this story were chosen to give me the time to slowly explain a very different vision of Life.Those differences take time to explain for the paradigm shifts can be pretty extreme. They are shifts though, that are consistent with what mystical teachings have shared for millennia and quantum physics confirms. I hope that Karl and I were able to explain them with some clarity.

So, whose story is this? Obviously it is Karl’s and mine. Perhaps you’ll find that this story is a chapter in yours as well.

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AN INTRODUCTORY NOTE FROM KARL

The ‘call’ home is ever present in each heart; it has been with you always. Each responds in their own way and time to that call, often trying to silence its requests to be heard. It will never be silent.

There are many ways to approach the journey to remembering, each of which is appropriate for those who are ready. This story is an attempt, our attempt, to make that journey easier and more fun. Teachers throughout recorded time have tried to explain life and reality in ways that have made sense to the people of those times, this story reflects our effort to compile a summary of some of the more difficult concepts of a very different reality in a way that is understandable to the current consciousness on Earth.

That is not a simple process as the way free energy interacts is different than how it interacts when compressed into matter. Those differences make moving from one type of awareness to another, from that of a material being to that of an energetic essence, very foreign. In that transition point lie the paradoxes that so confound rational thinking. We can only give you a way of looking at life that invites you to loosen your concentration on your current way of being. In doing so we feel that you will find it easier to relax into experiences that will make understanding the flow of free energy, which is your basic state of being, more easily understandable.

This is a time of expansion. You are an integral part of that process. As you embrace the truth of who you are, you naturally relax the compression that has created this experience. More light will flow through you, which will give you the understanding needed to further relax. This is the catch-22 in reverse. It is happening even now. The expansion being created is destroying the physiological and physical structures compression has built. The chick must destroy the eggshell to grow.

We do not pretend that the steps that lie in front of you are easy ones to take. They were not easy for us. They are, however, safe steps, ones that you will eventually have to take to be comfortable in your life. Jim, our co-author, is trying to take these steps even now. They are no easier for him than for anyone else and he is using this story to help him feel comfortable in trusting what he feels urged to do. Such steps are a process; reading this story is a part of yours.

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FOREWARNING

Thomas’ hand, nested in the thick covers of his bed, now limp in death, still lightly cradled mine. It rested that way for an hour more, for I knew that once that connection was broken I would have to fully acknowledged his passing. As long as we still touched, I could deny that a new phase of my life was beginning, a phase that was filled with unknowns. It was also filled with fear, for once again, I felt alone.

Thomas died as he had expected, lying in bed as his body coasted to a stop like a car run out of fuel. Those last hours of his life had been filled with a serenity that was still present on his face. He had felt no pain. The only words exchanged during that time had been his, a last gift to me as he prepared for his final transition. I love you, Jason. Thank you. I had tried to answer. God, I wanted to acknowledge and return his love, but my mouth could not overcome the shaking that filled my being. My only response was to tighten my grip on his hand, hoping, irrationally I guess, to keep him with me a while longer. I could not.

In those hours after his death, as I sat with him, his words from the very first night we were alone together came back to me. You see, he had said, the future always creates the past and together their dynamic tension holds the ever present ‘now’ in place. Even before we had met I’d been forewarned that Thomas saw the world very differently than most people did, but that statement had still given me pause. I remembered how Thomas had seen me flinch at what I had heard. He could tell that I needed help in dealing with its implications. Instead of help, he had simply added, That future is what has called you here. With that he had said goodnight and left for his room. As I sat with him now that night seemed so long ago.

Thomas had certainly understood the world in ways I could never have imagined before meeting him. He had given me glimpses into his world, ones that challenged everything that I had ever believed to be true. He had invited me to see Love as an inviolate state of our being, not as a gift, conditional and easily withheld. In his presence, I had begun to feel what he was describing, but as I sat with his cooling body, I was finding it increasingly difficult to connect with that Love. All I could feel was loss.

My future had called me to Thomas. That is what Thomas had claimed. He had been waiting for me to come, waiting to share what he had learned in decades of searching for answers to the deepest of questions. Why are we here? Who are we? On the first day we met he had asked me Who is Jason Long? I had answered that day, but even as I answered, I knew my answer was absurd. I had no real idea of who I was. Now, less than three weeks later, I was going to have to find that answer without Thomas’ help. Had he given me the tools I needed?

What was that future that was calling me forward now?

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MY FIRST TUESDAY

I started my trip West thinking I knew the way, but, while I could find the right roads to travel, I was finding out that there are many ways to be lost. Driving alone, confused about the life I was heading toward, I realized that there is no signage that can lead you to your destination. It is an unknown. You must rely on hope to be the guide that leads you forward. Fortunately for me, underlying the hope I felt, was the trust from which hope flows. They were my trusted companions, though they were not alone. Fear rode with me as well, an ever present voice that challenged my every move.

I took a week to travel from Tennessee to Eugene. Seven long days of solitary driving with way too much time to think, broken by stops at the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, San Francisco and the Northern California Coast. Those were all places I longed to see, yet each stop reminded me that I longed to share their gifts with someone. I could not. I was alone.

As I settled into my second day in Eugene, I was discovering that unfolding a new life that felt right wasn’t going to be easy. I had enough money to live for maybe two months, if I kept my expenses low. While staying at a youth hostel would help my budget, that wasn’t something I was looking forward to doing for very long. I needed a job! The local job listings offered several prospects that I felt qualified to do - sawmill worker, busboy and the usual untrained labor jobs. There was one though, that sounded somewhat intriguing. An elderly gentleman was seeking a live-in companion/housekeeper/nurse. While I wasn’t a nurse, I had worked in a nursing home for six months. It was worth a try.

Rather than asking for a resume the ad simply gave a phone number to call. A woman answered the phone, saying, Newsome Shaw Attorneys, and she quickly asked how she could be of assistance. I explained that I was calling about the help wanted ad; she placed me on hold for only a moment.

Hi, this is John Newsome. I understand you are interested in the job we posted. Tell me a little about yourself.

Hi, Mr. Newsome. My name is Jason Long. I’ve just moved to Eugene from Tennessee and am looking for a job that will give me some time to get settled into the area. I have some experience in a nursing home and my mother made sure I was a passable cook. As far as housekeeping goes, I have always tried to keep the space around me tidy and reasonably clean. I’m guessing whatever your client needs in those regards wouldn’t be a problem to meet.

Well, Jason, much of the requirements of this job will center around simply being available to help my client navigate the last months of his life. That can mean a lot of different things as I am sure you discovered working at a nursing home. Does the job still interest you?

Actually, I really enjoyed my work at the nursing home. Getting to know all of the patients there was a happy time for me, though sad at the same time. Many of them had no one. I loved being able to help them feel seen, if only for just a few minutes at a time. Being able to focus on just one person sounds pretty intriguing. I did some care giving while I was there, helping the patients get around and even assisting as some of the men showered, but I couldn’t say I have nursing skills beyond being compassionate.

"I think being compassionate may well be the most important nursing skill Jason. Fortunately, my friend has been entered into a hospice program, so that will cover most of the nursing. Still there will be things that you would need to learn and attend to as his care changes and, ultimately, you will be with him until the time of his death. That could be soon, though hopefully, it will be a several months. In the beginning you would be staying in a small apartment that is slightly separated from the house. As his needs increase, you’ll likely have to move inside to a bedroom close to his.

The pay is $500.00 a week and, of course, your food expenses would be covered as you’ll usually eat with him. Because of the situation, there won’t be any days off, but you will be able to have some time away when the hospice people are there with him. There will also be the times when you need to do whatever shopping is necessary. Right now his dietary needs are pretty simple. As his care progresses they will likely get even less demanding. There is a $300.00 per week allowance for that shopping. I would imagine you can understand why we also insist that you drink no alcohol."

That makes sense. Drinking has never been one of my favorite pastimes anyway.

Good. His current care giver has to leave the position this weekend. If my friend were to choose you for the job, could you start right away?

Yes, I answered. That would actually work really well for me. The job sounds like something I would enjoy.

OK, Jason, two others have met with my friend so far, but if you are at my office in the morning at 10:00 you’ll get a chance to meet him. His name is Thomas. He will need to choose soon so we can have someone in place by this weekend. So, I guess I’ll see you in the morning. My secretary can give you our address. In the meantime, can you give her the phone numbers for a couple of references that we can call before you come in to the office?

I gave John’s secretary the number for the nursing home where I had worked, as well as the numbers for a couple of friends from my school days and from church. That didn’t feel like a very compelling resume and I just hoped, well, I don’t know what I hoped. The job sounded too good to be true. It gave me everything I needed - some cash, a home and most of all, some time to move through some of my uncertainty about what lay ahead.

Between my excitement and my fear, sleeping that night was pretty piecemeal. The more I lay awake thinking, the more I wanted this job. Those same restless hours convinced me I would never get it. While I had never lacked self-confidence, the events of the last few months had left me pretty fragile, making it hard to imagine that all of my self-doubts wouldn’t be immediately obvious. How could someone else trust me when I wasn’t sure what to trust about myself?

Just as my doubts nearly led to despair, I remembered that there was one thing I knew about myself. I am a giver and that made me perfect for this job. I have always given to others before I have taken for myself. Giving has always felt right to me, receiving much less so. Even when people have taken from me without even trying to give back, I’ve known I was doing what was right for me. I guess, in that respect, I did receive by giving. Maybe that means that I’m learning how to give without expectation of anything in return. That would be nice, since so often nothing finds its way back to me anyway.

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WEDNESDAY

With the chaos of the night past, I put all of my stuff together and made sure I was at Newsome Shaw plenty early - a half an hour to spare. Walking around the block a times ate up most of that time and settled my nerves. The office was a converted home whose unpretentious simplicity helped relax me a bit. A warm ‘hello’ from the middle aged woman in the front room soothed me even more.

Good morning, she said. You must be Jason. Mr. Newsome is waiting for you. I’ll let him know you are here.

Her smile was soft and her energy said welcome in a way that made me feel at home, more so than I had for quite a while. As I sat down it felt like the day was off to a good start. John Newsome came into the room just a few moments after I sat, so I stood back up to greet him. He had the same kind of soft, welcoming energy. Hi, Jason. It’s nice to meet you. Please, call me John.

Nice to meet you as well, John.

We checked on your references that we could reach. They all had good things to say about you. The nursing home was sad to see you leave. Apparently several of the patients really missed you when you left. That said a lot about your character.

Well, thank you, I guess. I liked most of the patients at the home. So many of them were completely alone. It was a pleasure to just give them some caring attention.

My hopes were soaring. Wow, maybe I did have a chance for this job!

Let’s take my car, said John. Thomas lives about fifteen minutes from here in the country to the south of town. We can talk more on the way.

As we drove southwest through the city streets, John began some of the questioning I knew was coming. So, what brought you to Eugene?

Well, I had a roommate at the University of Nebraska who was from Eugene. In the winter he would go on and on about how much he missed Eugene and the mild weather. He loved Eugene and transferred to the University of Oregon after just two terms in Lincoln. The thing is, most of the people I grew up with were very religious. Their religion colored how they saw the world and determined how they reacted to the people around them, not always in a good way. My roommate was different, gracious and open to everyone. I probably made a huge generalization when I decided to come here, but that graciousness was what I was looking to find. I’m hoping I wasn’t too naive.

John just smiled. Eugene is pretty liberal. Most of the people here accept people for who they are. Still, you’ll run into all kinds of characters here. Are you close to your family?

We had transitioned to a much more rural area by then and, while there were still plenty of houses, open fields were becoming the dominant landscape. Hoping to change the subject I commented how much the green reminded me of Tennessee. John wasn’t ready to change the subject.

Your family is still there?

My parents and my sister. They live outside of Knoxville in a little town.

That must have been hard to leave.

Not really as hard as staying would have been. My family and I had reached a point where being together had become really difficult.

Do you mind telling me why that was?

I paused before answering, wondering whether to share my reasons for leaving. While I didn’t want to risk not getting this job, I knew that the life I wanted for myself meant I had to be honest with John. I was tired of hiding. I’m gay. I finally realized that a couple years ago and told my family over Christmas. It was not a merry time.

I’m sorry to hear that, Jason. Thank you for being up front with us. Thomas is a dear friend of mine, and I I know that being open and honest is very important to him, and really, to me as well. For us, your honesty is far more important than your sexual orientation.

We didn’t talk much more on the trip. I wasn’t sure what more to say and John seemed content just driving in the sun. It truly was a beautiful day. I was beginning to feel that my choice of moving to Eugene was the right one, whether I got this job or not.

After a few miles we turned right onto a smaller paved road, then turned onto a paved driveway leading up a gentle slope. Halfway up the hill sat a house with big, south facing windows and a patio in front. On the patio sat a man I quickly assumed to be Thomas as he waved at our approach. He stood slowly, moved toward us at a very measured pace, ready to greet us at the driveway as we drove up.

John didn’t hesitate getting out of the car, walking over to give Thomas a hug. I was a bit slower, cautious even, as I watched those old friends embrace. Thomas was smaller than John by a couple of inches, older by at least a decade, his gray hair clearly thinning, yet still mimicking a younger look. He had a full grey beard and mustache, both trimmed short. While his skin showed his age, his smile at seeing John was as young as a child’s at play. I gave them a moment together before getting out of the car. I was unsure if I should give them more space before I stepped forward, but John turned quickly from their greetings to draw me up onto the patio.

Thomas, this is Jason Long of Tennessee. Jason, this is Thomas.

Thomas offered his hand and said, Welcome Jason. It is nice to meet you. It’s such a beautiful day I thought we could talk out here on the terrace. While John has shared some of your information and your good references with me, I have always been one to rely on how a person’s energy feels. So, find a seat that feels right to you and let’s see what unfolds.

With that Thomas returned to his chair, his back to the sun. I found one that would let us talk without the sun in our eyes. John didn’t join us. I was really nervous, but I found myself immediately drawn to Thomas and was able to relax in his presence. He watched me for a few moments, which made me wonder if I should start the conversation. At last he smiled and asked, Tell me, who is Jason Long?

The format of the question threw me a bit. It was as if he could somehow see my own self-doubt. I kind of stumbled as I repeated it back to myself. Who is Jason Long? Hmmm....I guess that’s what I’m trying to figure out. That probably seems a bit odd since I’m 26. Hmmm.....I’m just finding that I’m having to start all over without being too sure of much of anything. I almost winced as I heard myself. What a quick way to blow a job interview! What should I have said?

As much as I hoped Thomas might let me off of the hook, he offered me no help. I was going to have to find my way through his question. Fortunately, there was something about Thomas that was making it easy to be honest. What the hell I thought.

"I came to Eugene because my life sort of fell apart in Tennessee. I was raised in a pretty fundamentalist Christian family. My dad was very active in the church and his faith was very active in creating the environment in our home. When I was young, I didn’t really question anything. Going to Sunday school, church and trying to live according to the church’s judgments of how to live was simply what my family did. That began to change when I got to middle school and accelerated in high school. I can’t even tell you now exactly why things changed for me, I just knew that what the church was sharing wasn’t right for me. That was compounded by how I saw my father react to the world around him. He was so filled with judgment and hatred. I knew that I could never live with that type of Christianity.

During high school I began to notice that I was more interested in having male friends than female ones. I did date some and even had a steady girl friend by my senior year. The thing is, it was much more of a friendship than anything physical. That made things easy because it was perfectly in keeping with what the church taught. The thing is, I could feel that something was missing. I decided to go to the University of Nebraska just to get away from home, hoping, I guess, to have another way of experiencing life. It was different in some ways that were refreshing. At the same time, I found myself more confused about who I was because my attraction to men became more and more evident to me. That ran up against everything I had been taught. I couldn’t let myself be gay, even though I knew I was.

After my first year I left school, moved back home and started dating my high school girlfriend. Somehow I made that work for a couple of years, though, looking back, I’m not sure how I did that. It tore me up. I kept that torment inside because I had no one I could talk to about how I was feeling. No one I knew would understand. Then, a couple years ago, I met a man a lot older than me. We slowly became friends and eventually he became a confidant.

We met at a coffee shop that was close to the nursing home where I was working. Eventually we started meeting there every morning before work. While I didn’t know it at first, he later confided to me that he was gay, although not openly. The funny part is, neither of us was really attracted to the other. We just found the other’s company a light that was otherwise missing in our lives. We could talk about anything without running into all sorts of religious or political taboos. A few weeks after he shared that he was gay I finally felt the freedom to acknowledge that I was as well. That was a big moment in my life."

I stopped talking for a moment. Wow, Thomas, I’m sorry I’m talking so much. I’m not usually like this.

Thomas had never broken eye contact with me the whole time I had been talking and held it as he said, Jason, I’m glad that you feel like you can talk with me. That is more important to me than you can imagine. You see, whoever I hire for this position is going to be the person I spend most of the rest of my life with. If you couldn’t be open with me, you could never fit in here. I’m not sure what the next few months will bring, but I want it to be a happy time, not sad. I want the right person here to help make that happen.

I guess I hadn’t looked at the job in quite that way, I said. Yeah, I can see what you mean. There is a lot more on the line for you than I had imagined. Hmm…yeah...wow!

You can relax, Jason, I trust that what lies ahead for me will unfold perfectly. I hope you can do that for yourself as well.

We sat together for several minutes, both silently contemplating what we had just shared. The silence felt right. It didn’t feel like we had anything more we needed to say.

Apparently John had caught Thomas’ attention, as Thomas waved to him and John came back onto the patio and asked "How is it going?’

Good, we said together and both smiled.

A moment later an older woman walked onto the terrace as well. John introduced her as Mary, the woman who had been helping Thomas for several months. As I stood to greet her she waved me back into my seat, saying, It is nice to meet you, Jason. Turning, she asked, How are you doing Thomas?

I’m good, Mary, though a little tired. I don’t think Jason and I really need any more time right now. Maybe I’ll go in and rest for a bit. To me he said, Jason, thank you for coming out. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting you. John can give you a ride back into town. We should be making a decision on the position very soon. John will let you know what we decide. He turned and slowly walked inside.

John looked over to me and nodded toward the car. "I hope you enjoyed Thomas. I’m sure I’m biased, but he