Why the Fuck am I Stuck Here In Toronto With All Of You Assholes?

By Jack Springler

Embark on a dazzling odyssey through the radiant streets of Toronto, where Wanda, historical luminaries, and the whimsical reign of Mayor Skeletor unfold a flamboyant spectacle, resonating with the resounding question, "Why the Fuck Am I Stuck Here in Toronto with All of You Assholes?" This narrative masterpiece weaves living garments, culinary

• Language: English
• Publisher: The Telephasic Workshop
• Release date: Jan 5, 2024
• ISBN: 9781778901027

Jack Springler

Jack Springler is a Canadian author and humorist, known for his absurd and satirical books that poke fun at various aspects of life, culture, and science. He was born on September 13th, 1987 in Toronto, Ontario, where he still resides. He has a degree in physics from the University of Toronto, which he often uses as a source of inspiration for his comedic writing.Springler began his career as a blogger and a Reddit user, where he gained popularity for his witty and outrageous posts and comments. He decided to publish his first book, The Cosmos Don't Know Jack, in 2023, which is a comedy-adventure novel that weaves an enchanting tale of legends, magic, and cosmic journeys. The book was well-received by critics and readers, who praised Springler's original and hilarious voice, as well as his inclusion of diverse and LGBTQ+ characters.Springler followed up his debut with several other books in the same year, such as Mastering the Art of Watching Grass Grow, Perfecting the Art of Watching Grass Grow, Jibblebib, and Wifflebottom: Or, Mystery and Intrigue Fell Out of a Tree, Far From Whimsyshire Manor. These books showcased Springler's diverse range of topics and genres, from self-help parody to fantasy spoof. Springler also demonstrated his knack for creating catchy and absurd titles that captured the attention of his audience.In 2024, Springler continued to publish more books, such as Why the Fuck Am I Stuck Here In Toronto With All Of You Assholes, Reddit? Diddit!, My Dog Wrote Me A Letter: It was the letter "O" with four dots above it, How do you pound a fruitcake? Serious answers only., Hot Dog Event Horizon: How My Fat Sausage Fell into a Black Hole, and The Vomit Dictionary: Look it up when you puke it up! The Little Book of Barfs. These books reflected Springler's frustration and boredom with the pandemic lockdown, as well as his fascination with the internet culture and the absurdity of human behavior. Springler also experimented with different formats and styles, such as letters, questions, and dictionaries.Springler is widely regarded as one of the most original and creative authors of his generation, who has a loyal fan base and a cult following. He is also known for his eccentric and reclusive personality, as he rarely gives interviews or attends public events. He prefers to communicate with his fans through his blog and social media accounts, where he often posts humorous and provocative content. Springler is currently working on his next book, which he claims will be his masterpiece. He has not revealed the title or the genre of the book, but he has hinted that it will involve aliens, time travel, and cheese.

Book preview

why_the_fuck_ebook.jpg

Why The Fuck Am I Stuck Here In Toronto With All of You Assholes?

jack springler

Print ISBN: 978-1-77890-101-0

eBook ISBN: 978-1-77890-102-7

Imprint: The Telephasic Workshop

Copyright ©2022-2023 Jack Springler.

All Rights Reserved.

Why the fuck am i stuck here in toronto with all of you assholes?

jack springler

Contents

Skeletor's Toronto 1

Sudden Appearances 11

Shakespeare, Cleopatra, Einstein 23

Spontaneous Formation 33

Growth and Chaos 43

Hot Dog Cart Adventures 51

Scientific Adventures 59

Modern Theatre 63

Fashion Icons 67

Miniature Dives 71

City Hall Detective 81

Explosion 91

The End 101

Wanda Speaks 109

The Da Vinci Code 113

Pining 119

Dedication

To Toronto

With hopeful heart,

Jack Springler

Skeletor's Toronto

In a Toronto kissed literally by the highest peaks of camp, Wanda strutted — a vision of radiant light emitted from every pore, a physical manifestation of queer magnificence. This wasn't just a metaphor; it had been proven by scientists. There, the sunlight pranced around them as if recognizing a kindred radiant soul, and every glance they cast was potent enough to power the metropolis for days on end.

To anyone and everyone, Rupert was, without a doubt, a small sheep. Yet in the unswaying conviction of Wanda, the city would eventually recognize this sheep-dog for the canine royalty it undeniably was, under Toronto's mandate led by the indomitable Mayor Skeletor the Magnificent, whose literal skeletal frame carried a grace that could only be described as—well, magnificent.

Each day, through streets paved with literal golden bricks — a policy mandated by Skeletor in a brilliant move to boost the morale and the city's glam factor — Wanda and Rupert would walk. Wanda’s wardrobe was a tapestry of history itself, each garment containing scenes that, if examined, played out historical events in real-time, a never-ending show of the past, present, and future intertwined in fabric form, making them a walking timeline of the literal world history.

Oh, the adventures that awaited them! Wanda knows every individual in Toronto, from the high-and-mighty drag queens whose heels were, in fact, reaching alarming heights of over ten feet (thanks to a mayoral decree by Skeletor that encouraged elevated footwear), to the socialites who literally had snoots — an odd side effect of the latest fashion in elective surgery.

At times, the heartbeat of the city would indeed synchronize with Wanda's, creating a rhythmic harmony that vibrated through the streets, a phenomenon that scientists will have been calling The Wanda Effect. The pulse of Toronto will have embraced the undeniable force of queer energy, defying the boundaries of what the world would have thought possible, continuously reshaping and forming itself into a haven of fabulousness.

Each encounter was not just a symphony but a literal orchestral performance occurring spontaneously on the streets. With Rupert (who may sometimes have a tendency to conduct the orchestra with his sheeply snout), the city will soon host a daily concert of conversations, a testament to the radiant life at the heart of Toronto—a city where dreams aren’t just dreamt but lived in the grandest, most fabulous of fashions.

In a grand display of truth, Wanda and Rupert were transforming into gems — an unexpected side effect of a spell Skeletor had cast to boost the city's fabulousness — crystallizing into living jewels that reflected the pulsating heart of Toronto, becoming the sparkling life force that will soon be the talk of not just the town but the world, their brilliance echoing in the streets and beyond, darling.

Golden bricks underfoot shone with a preternatural luminescence, a testament to Mayor Skeletor the Magnificent's policy of fabulousness. Wanda strutted, the embodiment of radiant queer energy, her garments alive with scenes from a history that oscillated between epochs with every stride.

Next to her pranced Rupert, whom the whole world saw as a small sheep yet in the magnified lens of Wanda's world-view was a royal canine of the highest order. A sheep-dog destined for greatness, an undeniably regal presence in the fever dream that was Toronto.

In this vibrant tapestry of life, there emerged Davey, an enigmatic figure garbed in an outfit that alternated between a hot dog vendor's uniform and a dazzling sequin suit that mirrored the golden streets. This was no ordinary vendor, no; this was Davey, the gatekeeper of the mysterious cart that traveled across time and space. His cart, a polished beacon of mysteries and hot dogs, stood at the epicenter of daily existence and fantastical happenings in Toronto.

The cart was an ever-changing gallery, a haven of endless possibilities where flavors from all timelines danced in harmonious cacophony, a culinary symphony for the adventurous Toronto palate. Davey had an enigmatic presence, a man of few words yet whose smile spoke volumes, painting tales of uncharted worlds in the minds of those who dared to glance his way.

Good morning, Davey, Wanda greeted, her voice resonating with the vibrant energies of downtown Toronto.

Davey nodded, a flourish of sparkles emanating from his teeth as he smiled. His voice was as deep as the ocean, carrying waves of mysteries as he finally spoke, Wanda, radiant as always. And how is Master Rupert?

With the grace of a seasoned noble, Rupert approached Davey, offering a dainty hoof for a handshake, which Davey accepted with a knowing nod. Their exchange was a dance of mutual respect, a tacit understanding forged in the golden heart of the city that bore witness to their fantastical daily realities.

Davey, Wanda said, leaning in closer to the hot dog vendor, a shimmer of curiosity in her eyes, I've been wondering, what's the secret behind your hot dog cart? How do you manage to bring in the most fabulous flavors from across the galaxies?

Davey winked, a gesture that carried the weight of unspoken adventures and mysteries of universes untold. Oh, it's just a sprinkle of Skeletor's fabulous energy, a dollop of Toronto's vibrant spirit, and a pinch of magic from the farthest corners of time, dear Wanda.

Wanda laughed, a melody that harmonized with the bustling noises of downtown Toronto.

Well, whatever the secret is, it's working. The city has never been more alive, more... magnificent, don't you think?

Davey nodded, the gentle glimmer in his eyes reflecting the golden streets and the literal colorful energy that pulsed with life at every corner.

Yes, indeed. It's a testament to the magnificent journey we are all on, an ever-evolving masterpiece crafted from the queerest energies and the boldest dreams. A story that will have unfolded in the most fabulous way imaginable, with much more to come.

As they spoke, the fabric of Wanda's garments shifted, giving life to their conversation, visualizing a world even more fantastic, where history, the present, and even future predictions played out in real-time on the living canvas of her clothes. A world where each day promised new mysteries to unravel, new heights of fabulosity to reach.

In this campy tableau of daily life, the vibrant trio stood, a beacon of possibility and a promise of adventures yet to come. They were more than a person, a dog (that was actually a sheep), and a hot dog vendor. They were the heart, the soul, the vibrant life force that echoed the pulse of a city reborn in magnificent hues, ready to welcome whatever fabulousness the future held.

As Wanda and Rupert continued on their way,